"If I may misquote Kant, [the HHH/Orton match and post-match stretcher job] strikes me as not unlike the spectacle of a guy trying to milk a he-goat: nothinhg happens for a really long time, whatever you finally DO get to come out isn't gonna be what you expect, and the mere fact that you thought it was a good idea and never realized your mistake means you're a fucking idiot. Bravo, WWE, bravo." -- Rick Scaia, Backlash PPV Recap (4/26/09)

"I Quit is the anti-Last-Man-Standing in terms of 'gimmick match gravitas.' There's something compelling and manly about getting up at a 9-count after absorbing your 17th Sure Death Blow. There's something vaguely obnoxious and sissified about Matt Hardy half-blubbering 'No, I don't quit' into the house mic 17 times over the course of a match." -- Rick Scaia, Backlash PPV Recap (4/26/09)

"Young Randall living up to expectations isn't really something that infuses my soul with joy; it's more like the sun rising in the east every morning... reliable and predictable. One day into the latest attempted Orton Era, and our boy goes and scores the lowest RAW rating of 2009 so far. Sounds about right." -- Rick Scaia, OO Forums (4/28/09)

"I do kind of love how [Legacy] pretty much has as much significance and impact on this feud as The Spirit Squad did." -- Matt Hocking, RAW Satire (4/17/09)

"MelinaÕs self-kicking just proves to me that her natural flexibility should definitely encourage some submission goodness between herself and Gail Kim." -- PyroFalkon, Reading the Rick's Mind (4/21/09)

"Let's get it on." -- A Disgraced Former OO Semi-Star, Somewhere On The Intarwebs (4/27/09)

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
Who ARE all you people? After the Trump Trade left ECW gutted, the Tuesday night brand had to get crafty to fill up their hour. They introduced FOUR (4) new guys. Who are they, and how much should you care? Let Firewoman tell you.
 
NEWSFLASH: Full Rundown of 15-Person Trade
It's less than 2 months since the 2009 Draft, but WWE realized RAW is still broken, and shuffled the rosters once again. Each brand got 5 new stars, and Rick Scaia has the handy-dandy color coded summary chart for you.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
For a guy who was "fired," Donal Trump sure had a lot to do with this week's RAW. First, his "guest host" idea was implemented, and Batista was put in charge. Then a trade made by Trump allowed Batista to book Orton in three matches, against three new RAW stars from ECW. PyroFalkon has the full report.
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Bash 2009
Well, maybe nothing stood out, wrestling-wise, at the Bash PPV. It wasn't a show that'll be remembered or rewatched a whole lot. But news-wise, there was at least one huge bombshell: Edge and Chris Jericho were a surprise addition to the Unified Tag Title match and won! Which means two of WWE's best all-around talents are now allowed to show up on any brand they want! Which means, by default, RAW just started sucking less! Rick Scaia will fill you in on this and all the other results from the PPV in his recap.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: Smackdown in Brief
Ladies and Gentleman: we have a heel turn! After a few weeks of toying with Tweenerness, CM Punk cheapshotted Johnny Morrison after their match (Morrison upset Punk in a non-title affair), and later one verbally punked out Jeff Hardy. All while remaining level-headed an internally consistent. Good stuff.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
Normally, OO loves it some ECW for Christian, Swagger, and maybe (if OO is feeling super-gay) some Evan Bourne. But this week, all hail THE HURRICANE, who returned and unveiled his new super-power: making a Mark Henry interview mildly-amusing!
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
Well, WWE got a bump in Fringe Fan Interest by installing Donald Trump as its new owner... and then promptly turned around a pooped out a horrible show where SmackDown once again stole the night. For a full recap of the night Vince "re-bought" RAW from Trump and Orton stayed Champ against all odds, check our recap.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
Edge, Punk, Jericho, Hardy, Mysterio, and Morrison. Seriously: can you go wrong with those six? No, you can't. So watch this damned show. And if you didn't? Read our damned recap, you philistine!
 
OOTRR: WWE Royal Rumble 2004 Re-Revued
For some of us, the highlight of the 2004 Royal Rumble PPV was NOT Bob F. Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. For better or for worse, we remember Chris Benoit (the performer) as he stole that show in the 60-minute Rumble Match, no matter what WWE would rather you believe. Join Adam Gutschmidt in re-believing the '04 Rumble.

RAW SATIRE: The Alternate RAWniverse, In Verse
Matt Hocking has sole access to the latest happenings in our Alternate RAWniverse, and his PC is broken. And it turns out that typing on an iPod or a tiny laptop are a pain the ass. So he's not going to regale you with things like paragraphs and full-verbosity. Instead: the RAWniverse is put into verse this week, in the form of the delightfully simple Haiku. Enjoy.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
Wow, Tommy Dreamer is looking as good as ever! He's totally back to his old form! I mean it! Really! The man who won maybe one important match in his entire career in the old ECW is Jobbing Like It's 1999, baby! Get up to speed on Tommy's latest failings, and on Finlay's apparent heel turn, in this week's ECW recap.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
On this week's special three-hour edition of RAW, one thing was perfectly clear: SmackDown was the best wrestling show on Monday night. Yep, that's right: SD brought some pretty awesome stuff to the special show (Jericho vs. Rey and Punk/Edge/Hardy), all while RAW's contribution to it's own brand included Randy Orton regaining the WWE Title and Donald Trump becoming the new "owner." Oy.
 
OO: Batista Injury, Umaga Fired, Lots More!
You can quibble with things like RAW's quality these days, but you canNOT accuse WWE of being boring. The past week was rife with major title changes, serious injuries, a high profile firing, and a general manager quitting. Rick Scaia has a massive update covering all this news and then some.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
CM Punk had himself a busy night: first he addressed the fans as their new Heavyweight Champion (and was booed for it). Then he wrestled Chris Jericho. And finally, he continued toeing the line of heelishness by providing outstanding guest commentary during the night's Edge/Hardy main event match. Great showing by Punk.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
Christian is happy for his friend Tommy Dreamer, but he still wants "his" ECW Title back. Pronto. Christian's actions this week landed him in a tag team main event with a strange bedfellow: Jack Swagger, who also has designs on the ECW gold.
 
RAW SATIRE: Going Mobile
Matt Hocking's computer is on the fritz, making his usual connection to our Alternate RAWniverse impossible to accomplish. Luckily, he made an alternate connection: to WWE Mobile's live feed of RAW! And here's the full tweet-tastic txtmsg transcript.
  
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
Triple H is back, and just in the nick of time. It seems Batista (despite just winning the WWE Title) will be gone for a while after an "injury" at the hands of Legacy. Now, HHH can slide into his spot (just as Batista did into HHH's spot six weeks ago) as RAW seeks to crown a new champ.
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2009
Alright, so maybe WWE's ratings aren't all they can be... but if they didn't get people talking after Sunday night's PPV, I don't know what's left for them to try. It was a fun "stunt booking" night in which all 3 World Titles changed hands a total of four times. Get the results.
 
OO: Kennedy's Firing, Masters' Hiring, PPV, MORE!
Rick Scaia's here with a huge update on all things rasslin'. From the latest on why Kennedy was fired, to who Orton has convinced Vince to re-hire, to Flair's WWE/ROH juggling act, to ratings, and even to a full analysis of the Extreme Rules PPV, Rick's got it all. Enjoy.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
If WWE's going to insist on shoving somebody down our throats in 8 segments per week, let's just say Edge is a fine choice. It was "Double Your Edge, Double Your Fun" night on SD this week, as Edgeward hosted "The Cutting Edge" to open the show and then laced 'em up to face Rey Mysterio in the night's main event. Good times.
 
RING OF HONOR: Get the Tables!?!
Mere days before ROH's huge four-way Title Match (and the commensurate end of CRZ's Kennedy-like comeback to recapping), the company featured a show with a tag title tables match in the main event. And even with no Dudleys in sight, that was a recipe for new champs. Read up.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
This week, there are two noteworthy headlines from RAW... one, we've got a new US Champion, as Kofi Kingston defeated MVP in a Battle Of Mutual Respect. And two, Randy Orton delivered his daintiest Bootie Kick yet, supposedly incapacitating Ric Flair. PyroFalkon fills you in on both, as well as on what happened in between.
 
OO NEWSFLASH: Kennedy is Fired
Just five days after his return to TV (and his big push up into the main event/WWE Title mix), Ken Kennedy has been fired by WWE. Though injury prone and known to be a bit of a dumbass when it comes to speaking his mind in interviews, it doesn't seem like any of that affected this sudden decision. Rather, it may well have been Randy Orton on the Grassy Knoll that took out Kennedy. Rick Scaia has a full rundown of what we know about Kennedy's confounding termination.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
There's a guy who goes around CLAIMING to be a Cerebral Assassin, and then there are Edge and Chris Jericho, who have decided to live the gimmick: using giant vocabulary words to confound the masses and using extreme deceit and trickery to beat the piss out of Rey Mysterio and trap Jeff Hardy into a 2-on-1 handicap match. Good times.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW on Sci-Fi in Brief
When you're hot, you're hot. And ECW is enjoying a run that's at least lukewarm... they even made Mark Henry seem tolerable this week. Granted, it was mostly because he was working against the inimitable Evan Bourne, but still: good is good. Firewoman has all the details.
 
OOTRR: Armageddon 2003 Re-Revued
So RAW was the "worst show ever"? Really? Looks like you folks need s reminder of what TRUE Suck is all about. Cuz a free TV show stinking is one thing: a $40 PPV insulting you is another. So how's about having a little fun reliving the agony that was Armageddon '03, complete with the epic fail of Goldberg in the main event?
 
RING OF HONOR: Garbage of Honor?
With An OMG Workrate Pants-Wetting Title Match coming up in a few weeks, ROH decided to let Necro Butcher main event the show this week. At least nobody felt the need to harp on "The Wrestler" this time (well, until CRZ did it). Who needs workrate when you got staple guns?
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
Ahhh, yes: the "eagerly anticipated" WWE vs. NBA episode of RAW... on the upside, the Kroenke-related Suck was pretty much limited to a godawful opening segment and the rest of the show was surprisingly tolerable (and even included Ken Kennedy's return to RAW). On the downside: the show set yet another year-to-date record-low rating.

OO: Death Feud vs. the NBA? And Other News...
Forget working out an easy and amicable solution to a minor scheduling snafu! If you're Vince McMahon, you use the incident as an excuse to start a Grudge Match against the NBA... with mixed results. Rick Scaia has a full report on the WWE/NBA issues, plus tons of other news on ratings, injuries, Flair's status, and more. Enjoy.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
This week on SD: Jericho vs. Punk and Edge vs. Hardy. Yep, both rematches from earlier in the week. But guess what? Who cares when they tend to kick serious ass? The top line guys on Friday night continue to deliver the goods, and PyroFalkon delivers the recap.
 
RAW SATIRE: Who'll Be MVP of the MVP?
Over in our Alternate RAWniverse, the superstars didn't wait to find out how WWE would resolve its scheduling conflict with the NBA... they just assumed RAW would be moved to a Mostly Vacant Parkinglot, and started jockeying for position to see who would rule that roost!
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW on Sci-Fi in Brief
ECW is now officially Your Home for Foriengers. Christian and the new Hart Foundation are from Canada. Paul Birchall's from England. Finlay? Ireland. And I don't even want to know what planet Zack Ryder is from. All of 'em were in action this week on ECW. Enjoy the UN of WWE!
 
RING OF HONOR: Still With Flair... For Now!
Don't look now, but Ric Flair is still stylin', profilin', and making matches for the ROH Title, even after returning to WWE! Flair's all about Jerry Lynn putting his strap on the line in a four-way match to showcase the very best ROH has to offer on HDNet. Christopher Robin Zimmerman recaps the build up to that epic conflagration.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
With ratings down, WWE's finally decided Randy Orton in 8 segments per show may not be a good idea. So they tried some new things this week (Santino Marella working double duty), along with some trusty ol' relaible things (Ric Flair is back, baby). How'd it all fit together? PyroFalkon will tell you.
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Judgment Day 2009
The first PPV of the WWE's "new booking year" saw SmackDown clearly steal the show from RAW. SD delivered 4 good-or-better matches (including two really outstanding affairs in Rey/Jericho and Edge/Hardy, in which both champs retained) while RAW delivered only 2 matches, both kinda lame, and provided entertainment only in the form of a Miz/Santino comedy skit and a suprising run-in by Ric Flair. Rick Scaia has full results.
 
OOTRR: Survivor Series 2003 Re-Revued
John Cena and Big Show aren't just headlining a WWE PPV this weekend... they were also front and center, starting their long-standing rivalry at a PPV six years ago. Young John Cena pinned Show to win a five-on-five elimination match at the 2003 Survivor Series (a show that also featured an excellent Team Austin vs. Team Bischoff match and more).
 
RAW SATIRE: Catch the DUMB~!
Randy Orton's never stood accused of being particularly bright... but that doesn't mean we expect him to behave outright retarded. But in our Alternate RAWniver this week, that's precisely how Randall behaved, channeling countless dimwitted horror movie characters who pretty much all deserved to die. Matt Hocking will fill you in.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
We've been waiting for it for years... and now, the "Next Generation" Hart Foundation is here. David Hart Smith made a surprise appearance to aid Tyson Kidd and Nattie Neidhart in beating down Finlay this week, giving ECW a sort of "Legacy" of their own. One that doesn't suck.
 
RING OF HONOR: Danielson Does SO Draw!
In some circles, Bryan Danielson is considered the Best Wrestler In The World. In others, he's just another ROH Guy who Ric Flair can't remember the name of. But as ROH's top contenders jockey for a shot at Jerry Lynn's title, Danielson and Tyler Black fought valiantly for 20 minutes, but then both got counted out. D'oh. CRZ recaps.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
In the words of the Rock Poet Bob Pollard: "I wish I could give a shit, just a little bit. Awwwww, Lethargy." For once again, an episode of RAW focused HEAVILY on Randy Orton and his lackeys came up short on on excitement and pace (and in the ratings). Luckily, OO believes in keeping it short and summarizing only What You Need to Know.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
Call it the start of a new "SmackDown Six." Call it "Five Men and Two Titles." Call it whatever you want. World Champ Edge, top contender Jeff Hardy, Mr. Money in the Bank CM Punk, IC Champ Rey Mysterio, and all-around top-shelf jerkface Chris Jericho are all mixing and matching in top level title-worthy storylines, and bringing the awesome every Friday.
 
RING OF HONOR: Now with Flair!
He's heeee-ere. Ric Flair made his debut in Ring of Honor last week, as their "Ambassador." Along the way, he reminisced with and put over ROH Champ Jerry Lynn, while patiently enduring a rant by Austin Aries, who intends to show Flair just who is best among the industry's young bucks. CRZ has your full report.
 
RAW SATIRE: Twits, Tweets, and Twats
Over in our Alternate RAWniverse, it's business as usual this week. Which is to say: it's highly unusual. But even with all the usual hinjinx in full effect, one mystery looms largest: how many 140-letter twats will Matt Hocking have to tweet in order to get a full Satire out to all you twits?  
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
ECW had a match so nice, they did it twice this week. And no, it wasn't Bourne vs. Kidd that got the double treatment, dammit. It was the match with Mark Henry in it. Luckily, he had Christian, Swagger, and Dreamer all around to help mask his raging Suck.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
Randy Orton's quest is complete: there are now zero (o) McMahon's left unhospitalized. Shane McMahon was the last McMahon standing (and capable of appearing on TV, apparently), until Monday night, when he was decimated by Lethargy. ArsonMonkey has a full report.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
The Draft Results are now in full effect, and the "new booking year" has begun... and SmackDown's making out like a bandit, IMMEDIATELY presenting a show almost entirely focused on Chris Jericho, Jeff Hardy, Edge, and CM Punk. You canNOT go wrong with those four.
 
OOTRR: WWE No Mercy 2003 Re-Revued
WWE's been serving up PPVs with unexpected disappointments balanced by surprising show-stealers lately... and they did the same in 2003, when a stacked roster featuring Benoit, Eddie, Angle, Cena, Lesnar, and Taker still managed to flake out in big matches and allow Rey Mysterio and Tajiri to steal the show in the opener. Adam Gutschmidt re-recaps this odd event.
 
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW in Brief
Tommy Dreamer is retiring this summer, but before he does, he desperately wants to score one more huge signature win for the ECW Title. On the grand stage at MSG, Tommy thought he might live that dream thanks to a title shot granted by new champ, Christian. Too bad OLD champ, Jack Swagger, wasn't feeling so sentimental for Dreamer...

RAW SATIRE: Cena Fears Miz
What is it about short guys with one-syllable nicknames that end in "Z" that's so scary? A decade ago, everybody feared Taz, and today, John Cena is cowering like a little girl from the Maharishi of Masculine Machismo that is Miz. Cena SHOULD have been afraid of that Swine-Flu-Infested Matt Hardy, if you ask me. 

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
Backlash inexplicably featured both Triple H and John Cena doing stretcher jobs at the end of their matches. One was convincing, the other, not so much. And yet, it was the guy who was convincingly broken in half who showed up on RAW to wreak havoc on the Big Show's title aspirations, while HHH was "too injured" to appear.

PPV RECAP: WWE Backlash 2009
Another month, another Match of the Year candidate from WWE: this time, it's Edge vs. John Cena supplying the goodness. And this time, the undercard actually provided a halfway decent supporting cast: all 3 "world" titles changed hands, and Ricky Steamboat and Chris Jericho hit a home run. Rick Scaia recaps.

RING OF HONOR: The Best There Is *and* Was
For the better part of this decade, there has existed a vocal sub-culture of wrestling fans who believe Bryan Danielson is the best wrestler in the world. Now that ROH is on TV, it's a chance for the fanbase-at-large to tune in and judge for themselves. "The American Dragon" is on ROH this week along with LOTS of hype for one of the best wrestlers of yesterday debuting soon.

OO: Backlash Breakdown and Other News
Rick Scaia is here to examine the Backlash PPV from every possible angle. Perhaps THIS is the real climax of WWE's booking year and NOW things'll change? Rick also has tons of other news, including where you can next see Ric Flair on TV, Bobby Lashley (and Taz?) in TNA, and a whole lot more.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
How was SD in terms of a final pre-PPV hype show? Well, you had John Cena trying to use the Yankees vs. Red Sox as an example for a crowd of Brits and yet another "main event squash." So: not very good. But as a stand-alone wrestling show: a pretty solid Taker/Big Show brawl and angle, plus more Gail Kim/Maryse!

RAW SATIRE: Two, Two Jokes in One!
RAW was in England. On 4/20. Over in our Alternate RAWniverse, that means one of two things: either an absolute Ounslaught of Unnecessaury "U's" or Rob Van Dam jokes. How's about we just call in Roub Vaun Daum and call it even?

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: RAW in Brief
Triple H and Randy Orton are still trying to make it up to fans after their stinky WM25 main event. They're still failing. But luckily, Chris Jericho (who doesn't even work on RAW anymore) was here to save us, with both a sweet match versus John Cena and with a promo setting up a PPV showdown against Ricky Steamboat.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: SmackDown in Brief
I could have sworn that having women wrestling and stealing the show was TNA's shtick (at least: it was last summer). But on a night when SD! was "main evented" by a crappy Batista squash match, it turned out to be Gail Kim and Maryse who delivered the goods.

NEWS FLASH: Complete 2009 Draft Summary
Rick Scaia has compiled, sorted, and color coded all WWE performers who switched brands as part of this week's Draft. In total, 36 men and women (including 24 in a "Supplemental Draft" held on Wednesday) will have new homes once the draft goes into effect next week.

OO: State of the WWE and Importance of the Draft
As WWE geared up for the Annual Brand Draft, Rick Scaia was taking a step back to assess the state of the company and discovering that the draft wasn't just a fun little "shake-up" for fans this year... it could have a monstrous effect on WWE's business and revenues heading forward. Rick believes that WWE's audience SHRINKING on the road to WM25 and SD's uncertain future on MyTV make it absolutely vital WWE uses the draft to fix lingering problems, not exacerbate them.

PPV: WWE WrestleMania 25 Recap
It probably won't go down as one of the better overall WMs, what with the crappy storytelling leading into the show and the forgettable main event. But WM25 WILL be long remembered for the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels absolutely stealing the show with a 35-minute Instant Classic. Rick Scaia has a full WM Report.

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2009
You think you know the E? Guess again. A "predictable" pre-WrestleMania PPV turned into a truly surprising night of TV, as two new World Champs were crowned (Edge lost his first title, but then won RAW's strap to close out the night) and expected WM25 plans were blown up. Good times, and Rick Scaia has results and analysis.

PPV RECAP: WWE Royal Rumble 2009
Randy Orton is now "bulletproof" on his way to WM25 after winning the Rumble match this year. But stealing the show was Edge vs. Jeff Hardy, where Christian did NOT make his return, but the match still featured a tremendously surprising finish. Rick Scaia recaps.