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Author: Subject: My eyes! MY EYYYYEEEES
GimmickMan
The Rowdy One






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posted on 12-3-2004 at 07:16 AM Edit Post
I came across this while...uhhh....searching for FFC.

http://www.alivingwonder.com/movies/onc.html





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Dead Snoopy
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posted on 12-3-2004 at 06:13 PM Edit Post
- The following is a paraphrased report from HowardStern.com with regard to the Chyna sex tape:



Stern comments that he has now seen "Chyna Doll's" sex tape and describes it as being disturbing. He says they first have sex in a very dimly lit area and comments that Sean Waltman (X-Pac) looks like he just was released from jail.


He says they then go on to have sex in a better lit area and that you can see way too much. Stern makes a comparison between Chyna in her dominatrix outfit that she is wearing and Herman Munster dressing up as a rock star.


Everyone agrees there is nothing sexual about the video whatsoever. Stern also comments that Chyna had acne all over but butt and large bruises on her body too.

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microplay_24
The Great One






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posted on 12-3-2004 at 06:42 PM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by Dead Snoopy
- The following is a paraphrased report from HowardStern.com with regard to the Chyna sex tape:

Stern comments that he has now seen "Chyna Doll's" sex tape and describes it as being disturbing.




Now...that comment coming out of Howard Stern of all people, must mean the tape is really frightening.





Microplay - first ever OOWF World Heavyweight Champion

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2004 bOOardies - Breakthrough Poster of The Year

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Omega
Call me McIan






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posted on 12-3-2004 at 06:48 PM Edit Post
If Stern finds it disturbing how bad can that be....






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microplay_24
The Great One






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posted on 12-3-2004 at 07:00 PM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by Omega
If Stern finds it disturbing how bad can that be....


Well...i think the tape speaks for itself, anyway.





Microplay - first ever OOWF World Heavyweight Champion

Owner of The "Reggie IC" #002
2004 bOOardies - Breakthrough Poster of The Year

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Fudge-Pac
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posted on 12-6-2004 at 11:26 PM Edit Post
Here is the review from AVN.com. It almost, ALMOST makes me sort of want to consider thinking about possibly seeing it, in a sick-fascination sort of way.

EDIT: I'm not sure what the rules on vulgarity are, so I'll just warn you that it contains some really disgusting imagery. In other words, don't read it if you plan on having kids.

quote:
Review: Hot on the heels of 1 Night in Paris, Red Light District has followed up with another, uh, celebrity sexpose.

The AVN-named Best Selling and Renting Movie for 2004, Paris featured celebrity sex kitten and heiress to the Hilton fortune, Paris Hilton, while this sequel takes the back road to the bank.

1 Night in China stars Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman, who in a former career were known as Chyna Doll and X-Pac as part of the World Wrestling Entertainment’s bevy of beefed-up wrestling superstars.

When Joanie and (gosh, I’m so tempted to say Chachi here!) Sean left their careers and wrestling monikers behind them, anyone would guess it was just a matter of time before they moved on to some form of exploiting their past. WWE’s Vince McMahon, like many savvy promoters and producers, owns many of the names of characters they help build, so new careers and real names have to be created or used to fall back on, it seems.

Chyna was a badass bitch in the ring and looked quite fetching in that female, steroid bodybuilder appeal that strikes a chord with wimpy men, homosexual closet cases and those who make transsexual porno (one of the hottest niches since bisexual porn came and went).

Here, Joanie and Sean travel to China (or at least Sean does), obviously to make the “China” connection and (hopefully) avoid a head-on, body-slam of a lawsuit with McMahon and the WWE. Hell, McMahon is the guy who fought over having to change his organization’s name from the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) when the World Wildlife Fund cried foul.

In the 56 minutes of travelogue, seduction, tease and sex, Sean Waltman’s attempts at improvisation to a video camera at The Great Wall and Tiannamen Square, rank right up there with some of the great yucks fans of wrestling have enjoyed. Remember when X-Pac would stomp the mat moments before some mook’s back would kiss the ring, making for an unintentionally hilarious entertainment experience? This movie leaves that memory on the mat.

Like his short-lived career in front of the wrestling fanatics where he crosses his arms in an X in front of his legs, Waltman should have taken his own advice and kept his pants on, as should Chyna.

When she first enters the frame, ensconced in something “sexy” and looking to tease, it harkens back to those nightmare moments where you’re slightly drunk in a room, waiting to see what it is you really seduced, and out comes someone who makes you wonder, Is it a man, a she-male—and most importantly, what the hell is that bulge between its legs and what are its plans for me?! Yikes!

Well, after a brief session of poorly lit seduction in black and white, a surveillance footage level of video camerawork reveals Joanie and Sean’s sexual exploits.

Problem is, what we can see looks like a faggy bodybuilder with a mullet banging a handsome transsexual. The freak-show, circus-act, car-crash appeal heightens when Joanie pops her clit and it’s not only pierced, but looks like a mini-penis.

After a bit of the ol’ in n’ out, we cut back to Sean talking to the camera in China, stumbling through some obviously improvised lines. We’re oddly glued to the screen to see how bad he’ll get and hoping that we can witness in full-color that mini-penis that speaks inches about steroid abuse in women.

Girls if ya want a big one, juice up, get ready for pimples on your ass, a dick of a clit with a hood like an uncut foreskin and…”Get Ready to Rumble!”

Back in the sex room, Sean switches over to a color camera, forgetting to take the strap off the handle and holding his videocam with all the steadiness of a drunken sailor on a lost weekend. His sexual conquest splayed out, naked before him, with wall-eyed bolt-ons and a mug of a face that is both mannish and moody looking, awaits. Sean goes to work.

Joanie sucks a mean cock, in the way you would assume a guy would, taking a face fucking, manhandling a member and devouring dick till you wonder if it’s ever coming back out of that gaping maw of a kisser.

We watch as Sean dives in for his hot lunch, camera wobbling woozily as he contemplates what will likely be his last meal in a porn movie. Joanie’s loins are riddled with razor burn, bruises, zits and ripped to the max from serious squats. It doesn’t take long for the man in the boat to appear from under Joanie’s clitoral hood. (Now I know why there’s such a thing as gawkers’ block on the freeways.)

As much as I was repulsed seeing an inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis, I was oddly fascinated. I wondered what it really says on her driver’s license and how many years and injections of male hormones could produce a member that impressive, and what that would mean to guys who got shortchanged at birth, looking for a few extra inches.

Sean, attempts entry as the camera strap comes into frame like a hook from a vaudeville act and one is left to wonder what ever made these two think this was their ticket to anything other than ridicule and perhaps bit parts in a remake of Nightmare Alley.

Sean gets going and stays hard while the camera captures such wonderful moments as Joanie’s ripped abs, which are now showing signs of flab, and her Marty Feldman tits, impossible to capture together at close range.

Obviously, Sean didn’t brush up on his (pro-porn shooter) Mike John movies, as he can’t direct the sex, much less shoot it and fuck. Hell, the guy was a wrestler, so you have to forgive him.

Joanie, on the other hand, gets so hot, she turns over and starts power thrusting back on Sean’s member, doggy-style. The insta-porn stars rut like sweaty gay men, pushing to and fro and grunting, as we can’t take our eyes off the acne-riddled ass of Joanie.

Sean makes a thumb pass on Joanie’s butthole and with a deft move of a camera that highlights one her worst bruises on her quad, Sean makes an anal entry we never see. Once inside, Joanie lights up like a tranny with a love for butt sex. She power-pumps Chachi, er, Sean, till he’s worn out and has to have her turn over for some languid linking.

We watch as she takes it missionary, sweat glistening and her pussy looking like a pierced catcher’s mitt with a swollen thumb. More manly sex ensues and one notices that Joanie’s almost more buff than Sean… but I digress.

A jump cut takes us to the money shot, where Sean unloads with all the mastery of an amateur stud, whacking his stiff member till he shoots on her splayed anus from the side. At this point, we could be watching two men have sex. It’s that scary.

Nevertheless, this is a movie that every casually curious porn consumer and porn fan must see. Wrestling fans too will flock to rent and buy—though we all know once they’re 18 they convert to porn fans, so that leaves the rest of the world and, yup, they’ll come a runnin’.

Unlike Hilton in 1 Night in Paris, there’s no glee to be had watching a bad girl heiress look like she’s thinking, “Fuck you daddy!” while she takes a load on camera.

However, Joanie and Sean do have celebrity appeal of a more freakish sort, and will obviously end up on some sort of circuit, probably with a small circus, or maybe even Branson, Missouri, because I hear Joanie likes to sing and play guitar. Sean’s already looking like he could be one of The Gatlin Brothers on a bender, so that pretty much sums it up.

You have to see this movie.

Afterwards, take a Silkwood shower like I did, and don’t pick up the soap. If you drop it, Joanie might get you.


[Edited on 12-6-2004 by Fudge-Pac]





"Kevin Nash may have only three moves, but they all hurt." - WCW.com bio of Kevin Nash

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FusionFistCutter
The Great One






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posted on 12-7-2004 at 12:05 AM Edit Post
Hooooooo shit this review scares the piss out of me, although it does give me a great new signature.





!

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Trickstar
Showstopper






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posted on 12-7-2004 at 12:07 AM Edit Post
Ewwwwwwwwwwww

Dude that's some messed up s***. God, to think HHH was banging her at the height of her "bulky days"....godaaaamn he's a case!

So that’s the after (outer ?) effect roids leaves on women? Christ...

If it's half as messed up as the reviewer makes it out to be Chyna's dead, buried and resurrected as a circus freak. No hope of ever doing anything else. Condemned to Freak Show Hell.
Kinda feel bad for her...such a life humiliation. Ouch!

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SuperRob
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posted on 12-7-2004 at 12:40 AM Edit Post
Mommy? Why is the world so bad?
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Eli
The Immortal One






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posted on 12-7-2004 at 12:42 AM Edit Post
I'm almost afraid to admit this but, up until that review, I was willing to give the ole tape a gander. But now, well, I just don't know. Could it possibly be true that the clit has a head? That can't be true. That can't be true. Damn, damn, damn.





The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.

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microplay_24
The Great One






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posted on 12-7-2004 at 01:14 AM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by Eli
I'm almost afraid to admit this but, up until that review, I was willing to give the ole tape a gander.




Almost?? sheesh...





Microplay - first ever OOWF World Heavyweight Champion

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2004 bOOardies - Breakthrough Poster of The Year

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Eli
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posted on 12-7-2004 at 03:08 AM Edit Post
quote:
Almost?? sheesh...


Well, If you hung out in the same circles as me you would know that among my friends I am almost ALWAYS counted on to make the most off-color and off-kilter remarks about just about anything. One of the reasons for that distinction is that I have been exposed (thanks largely to the time I spend on the Internet) to some of the most god-awful media this side of a G.G. Allin concert. But, a penis clit, man, I just don't know if I can handle that. Not to mention the ass-cne and then, uh, X-Pac naked. It might just be too much, too much.

I'll prolly still watch it though.





The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.

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Fudge-Pac
Turd Generation Superstar






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posted on 12-7-2004 at 03:23 AM Edit Post
Mark my words, "penoris" will be in the dictionary by 2005. I guarantee it.





"Kevin Nash may have only three moves, but they all hurt." - WCW.com bio of Kevin Nash

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GimmickMan
The Rowdy One






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posted on 12-9-2004 at 12:32 AM Edit Post
Oh. My. God.

I think I am going to be sick. They were not kidding about the "penoris".

If you go to www.duuh.com and scroll down a bit, they have a picture of the back of the box (which, unlike the penoris, can be enlarged by clicking on it) that clearly shows that thing.

Words do not do it justice.

Seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Kids: Suggestion...do NOT make this the first porn you ever watch.





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ModSquad004
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 12:51 AM Edit Post
HOLY SHIT THAT'S DISGUSTING!





WOOF!

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Endo
Fella






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posted on 12-9-2004 at 12:51 AM Edit Post
Wow. Just wow.

Cutter, if you follow through and perish for your efforts, we know why. Jeez, she could fuck x-pac with that thing.





"Why do you watch that? It's fake! IT'S FAKE!!" - My mother
"I know." - Me

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Bonestein
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 12:52 AM Edit Post
I can vouch that Chyna's penoris is THE scariest thing I've ever seen. It's way, way, way more sick than anything you'll even see in a Faces of Death video.
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ModSquad002
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 12:55 AM Edit Post
Holy Mary Mother of God. It's a fucking penoris.

I like to pronounce it PEN-oris with the stress on the PEN. Rather than pen-OR-is with the stress on the OR.

Whichever the case, it should stalk teen-agers in horror movies it's so damn scary.

Chyna is ruined.





предавать меня не

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Bonestein
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 01:05 AM Edit Post
THIS is what ruined her? I could have sworn it was either her pompous book of bullshit, or maybe even her "music career". I heard an interview with her about 6 months ago, and it's amazing listening to her- she still thinks she matters to people.
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Eli
The Immortal One






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posted on 12-9-2004 at 01:22 AM Edit Post
Get your penoris avatar right here!

http://www.thechicory.com/images/penoris.gif





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GimmickMan
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 01:38 AM Edit Post
Better question:

Who in blue hell would EVER want to pierce that thing?

That must've put a dent in her walle....errrrr purse.





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Shaggy
The Great One






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posted on 12-9-2004 at 02:56 AM Edit Post
It looks like a pre-pubescent penis

HHH and Hef have some explaining to do...

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GimmickMan
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 03:05 AM Edit Post
I think now is the time we all hold a moment of silence for Sean Waltman's manhood.

......................

Anywho, I believe we should all sing the praises of the airbrush. Here, here!

Thank you, Photoshop!!!!





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Shaggy
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 03:16 AM Edit Post
quote:
Originally posted by GimmickMan
I think now is the time we all hold a moment of silence for Sean Waltman's manhood.


I wonder if she could do him with that monstrosity...

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borntorun
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posted on 12-9-2004 at 03:42 AM Edit Post
I really, really, really, really hope that X-Pac does not even think about performing oral sex in this video. When he did the crotch chops standing next to Chyna, I never imagined that he would be the one doing the sucking.





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