borntorun
God of This World  
Posts -8733
Registered 7-22-2003 Location Breathe Member Is Offline Mood: House, Monk-E
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 04:44 AM |
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1 Year, 1,000 Posts, And All I Got Was This Lousy New Status!
Yep, it’s all about me!
I figured since my 1,000th post is exactly a year in the making, it is my civic duty to make it as self-serving (and thus inherently pointless) as I
could. So, in honor of how awesome and awesomely cool I am, I’m proud to bring to you:
Special thanks to Gimmickman for the cover, FFC for the foreword, Jeb for the blurb, and Canadian Bulldog for the interview text later on.
Foreword:
BornToRun. Run from what? Run from whom? And why was this individual “born” to do such running? Questions like these are hard to answer in these
trying times, what with terrorism, super size meals, and Bradshaw title reigns all threatening the very foundation of our culture and what we hold
dear. We may never know what BornToRun is running from, but we do know that it serves as an inspiration to all of us.
To run.
From something.
Something we were born to run from.
Many on the World Wide Web have made an impact on someone or something. Many have inspired and driven others to become something better than what they
once were. Many of taken great strides and gone above and beyond the greater good in order to help their fellow man.
ONE has posted a battle royal involving M.U.S.C.L.E. toys and Mr. Ass. That person is BornToRun.
Too many times I believe we’ve all come to Online Onslaught expecting insightful commentary on the sport we’ve all held close to our hearts. Too many
times we’ve clicked that link, expecting an opinion or point of view that we may not have considered before, to maybe be taken inside someone’s head
and to understand what they think about the sport we love.
And too many times, this quest for knowledge and wisdom has been sidetracked by trying to figure out why the fuck BornToRun has a POTATO for an
avatar.
Thanks for the brain candy sir, here’s to 2000 more posts and good luck and fortune in your future endeavors!
--FusionFistCutter, Two Minutes Before Going to Print.
Chapter 1: From Small Things Big Things One Day Come
I’ve been following Rick Scaia's Online Onslaught since day one; along with Wrestlezone.com (who turned me, of all people, down for a
columnist job a few years ago), OO was my source for pro wrestling news and anal for quite a while, until I overdosed on WZ’s pop-up ads and checked
into an exclusive all-OO treatment center. Anyway, I didn’t do much except read the site and occasionally lurk the message boards. One day, however,
one of the funniest things I’d ever read appeared on the main page: a Crashing the
Boards feature that most of you are all too familiar with. Yes, without your zany antics and hilarious imaginations, good ol’ BTR may never have
registered here. Basically, blame Jeb Tennyson Lund for compiling all that and planting the seeds of my eventual growth! It's all his
fault, hahahahaha!
Of course, I started posting, and DAMN was I wicked good at it. I was pretty low-key at first, focusing books, movies, and, oddly enough, wrestling.
Who talks about THAT? Anyway, I quickly enjoyed the quirks and personality of the board, and even received my first compliment: Slade, based
only on the fact that my screen name is awesome, became the first to join the perpetually-growing ranks of my disciples. Soon I would try my hand at a
serious comparison piece deconstructing the meaning behind and connection between
wrestling and pop culture, but that, for one reason or another, fell on
deaf ears. Even with this setback, I knew deep in my heart that I was better than all of you. It was only a matter of time before you all knew it.
Chapter 2: What DOES Intimate Mean?
Over time, I began to realize that other people were almost as good as me. This 2HoT fella would crack me up with his scathing remarks and his
Animaniacs-related avatars. Salmonjunkie, the guy who waits in back alleys ready to give head for a hit of that sweet, sweet fish, grew on me
like a puppy dog. Even FusionFistCutter, that adorable, orphan-helping, little-old-lady-grocery-buying,
cuts-apart-six-pack-rings-so-Thai’s-salmon-don’t-die sweetheart gave me a few chuckles. But they couldn’t equal my genius. Well, maybe combined. Wait,
no; still not as good as me.
Regardless, my big step at this point was to get drunk and talk about afterbirth. Oh, God, how I love afterbirth: on a sandwich, as a marinade for
Shish-ka-cod, or even as a light appetizer with Pringles, sharing my love of this postnatal delicacy spring boarded me into superstardom. You all
remember this, right? RIGHT?!
Thought so. In the meantime, I also started doodling a little strip called “Cheap
Heat,” and often consulted Angstboi to help me out with the drawing, writing, coloring, composing, and the layout of each panel. I was
becoming a legend before your eyes.
Chapter 3: Genius Rewarded
2003 slowly drew to a close. I hadn’t even been on the site for five months, yet I was sweeping bOOardies left and right. As you all remember, I had
the undisputed avatar of the year, destroying Markout, BoerboelLVR, Operation Retarded Pajamas, and Lucky Lopez in the competition. They didn’t
stand a chance, and not because they weren’t nominated; I’m just a better person. Oh, and nilesanderson or something like that was a distant
second, if my memory is to be trusted. Which it is, because I just remembered how handsome I am, and then I looked in the mirror to confirm it.
Anyway, I think I won some other rewards, such as “most likely to succeed” or “best best boy grip” or something like that, but I have so many trophies
for awesomeness that I forget.
Oh, I guess I did some other stuff to. Ah, yes: I spent a lot of time and energy making the “Interview the Person Below You” thread the best part of
the message board EVER, and I also spent some time playing four-square with Bonestein, ArmyofOne, and
SpinningToeHold, but unfortunately Uncle STH cherry-bombed all of us into the bike racks at school. We don’t let him play with us anymore, but
that’s mostly because he’s old. Well, not as old as OutbackJack, but still old. During this time, I gave birth (really, it was me!) to my
SIDS-infested son, Gimmickman, who has a face only a mother could love. Which she does, dearly. What a great woman.
Chapter Four: I’m an Ass, Man
I did something about Billy Gunn. And something else. Oh, and a big thing. But no one wants to dwell on that now, do we? Especially not OOMatt,
OOKyle, OOAlanaErin, or OOTTP.
Didn’t think so.
Chapter Five: Into the Abyss.
Around this time, things went downhill. For some reason or another, even though I was still awesome, I started acting irrationally. First, I thought I
was some kind of scoop-getting journalist, and then I thought I was a
doctor. At one point, I even got the crazy idea into my head that I was some kind of
amateur column judge, going Around the hOOrn with the likes of madiq, bigfatgoalie, and promoter2003. Without a doubt, all this lead to
a burnout; I started posting less, being more unfunny, and contributing next to nothing that could be deemed necessary to a discussion. I was on a
wing and a prayer, and I only had one man to turn to: a guy who makes shit up and can’t spell worth beans. “Canadian Bulldog can help me,” I
thought to myself. I picked up my trusty notebook, renamed myself “Johnny ITR,” and searched the Canadian desert for the one who could show me the
way. The following comes from some newspaper that wrote something about us for some reason.
"Johnny ITR came to me earlier this year in search of a job," said Online Onslaught columnist and noted sex therapist Canadian Bulldog. "Of
course, I couldn't do so at the time because he was wrestling a lot of personal demons. You know... coke, GHB, acid, IcoPro, Dexatrim. You name
it; Johnny was snorting it.
"So I told him, 'kid, you've got lick these problems you have'. And he looked at me (which was odd, because we were corresponding
by e-mail) and said 'ok'. Now, I never really checked back to see if he did get rid of those problems, but I'm sure it's all
working out just fine. Just like with Scott Hall."
Canadian Bulldog is the best boss ever...BANK ON IT!!! That is, unless Bonestein, BenoitBrokeMyNeck or AnglesGoldMedals work at 7-11,
where I'm destined to end back at because I like Taquitos so damn much. Still, employment was never my problem, and a stress-free job such as
world famous wrestling journalist apprentice would set me back on track, right? Did you hear that, Eli?
Well, some more demons caught up with me. Soon I was sick in the head making silly baseball bets with ThePunisher, and ConspiracyVictim
pushed Mafia.org on me like he was getting money off of it. I even resorted to bringing up the fact that I called Ultra Magnus’s avatar a
Go-Bot before Krydor ever did, even though everybody refused to see the humor in it 5 months later. That’s okay, though; at least
mooseheadjack and Lorraine are on the ball saying prayers to their gOOd! Which is God spelt funny. Damn OO’s.
Chapter 6: Recovery and beyond.
It’s been a long road back. While I never lost my ability to be better than everyone else, for a day or two that may not have been true. I’m not
sure; I was too busy making out with ModSquad003. She’s hot and most certainly a girl in real life! This is unlike girlie men Mods Prime,
Two, and Four, who are only female in their ovaries.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Since this book is being published in real-time, hopefully this venture into quadruple digits and another year will rejuvenate
me as a member of the community and allow me to bring fresh life into who and what I am. Barring that, I’ll probably just be boring like
borntoru…wait a minute! As I look back over my time here, I can only say one thing:
I Love Dolphins Please Post More Billy Gunn Pics BTW what does Afterbirth mean Around the hOOrn omg #1 avatar POTATO!
---------------------------------------------------
In all seriousness, this message board has been something that should be more guilty than treasure, but I find it the other way around. I
wouldn't have stuck around if I didn't enjoy you peeps, and here's a few reasons why. I'm sorry I didn't get to
everyone, but that's the way it goes. If I forgot you, then I probably think you suck. Thanks, anyway. Keep in mind I'm writing these
while I'm falling asleep because I'm trying to get this thing up before it's too late and my anniversary passes and my goldfish dies
and *cries*
Rick: Obvious props for the site and giving me a bit of spotlight. Keep on rocking, or something!
Jeb: You're awesome, hilarious, and in some fashion the epicenter of this board. Thanks for everything.
2HoT: You're the man, plain and simple.
Salmonjunkie: Please let me adorn your breasts someday, you lovable little gov't worker.
Canadian Bulldog: Thanks for giving me a job in spite of the sexual harassment. Who would have thought that humping a typewriter would be a
misdemeanor?
Markout: I think you're pretty. Oh, and smrt. Will you out with me?
OutbackJack: To me, the most underrated guy around. Give this man props sometimes, peeps! Even if it's a thumb up in front of a lake!
LuckyLopez: Wherever you are, come back and post more. Always a pleasure.
Angstboy: See you in Maryland! Hopefully not in jail!
TTP: Thanks for tugging at my heartstrings and making me defend you, you asshat!
Gimmickman: Good luck at MSU. The best part of college is the food. TRUST ME.
Boerboel: uR toTalie kewl! oh, and ur ghey!
OOMatt: Thanks for the shout-outs in the columns. I never see you in chat anymore, but hopefully there will be a position for you listed as "NEEDS
MORE APPLICANTS" and "RESUME TO ORTON" in the writing world.
STH: I'm still waiting to hear about what happened to the guy who pissed on your shoe. Basically, write more!
FFC: Stop hitting on Shelton Benjamin.
Erin: Keep up the high-quality writing. I know that somewhere Ric Flair is watching over you. Seriously, he's at your window!
AIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!
Slade: It's a town full of losers, and you're HURLing out of here to win.
Lorraine: You honestly crack me up the one time a week you post. Do more!
Mabey: You are the most beautiful person here. Don't ever forget that!
I know there's more, but trust me: you don't want me to compliment you. That's like A-Train saying, "hey, you're a really
good wrestler; you remind me of me!"
Thank you, good night, and may all of your "totally unrelated to BTR sexual fantasies come true!"
[Edited on 7-23-2004 by borntorun]
[Edited on 7-23-2004 by borntorun]
[Edited on 7-23-2004 by borntorun]
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Ultra Magnus
Man of a Thousand Holds 
Posts 1491
Registered 1-4-2002 Location Red Sox Nation Member Is Offline Mood: Resigned
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 09:24 AM |
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You know, that might have been really funny, but I can't remember anything about it a mere minute later, so I suppose it couldn't have
been *that* funny.
What's more important is FFC's foreward. I think everyone here agrees with me: Borntorun might be running AWAY from something, but
it's equally, perhaps even MORE likely that borntorun is running TOWARDS something, and just ASSUMING that he's running AWAY from
something is the kind of inside-the-box thinking that has led to the 9/11 attacks, White Chicks, Carrot Top and Creed to name but a few examples.
I raise six glasses every night, just to get drunk enough to love this country like I did as a
kid: without feeling like it's using me.
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angstboy
cornerkicked.com 
Posts 4807
Registered 12-11-2002 Location Baltimore, MD Member Is Offline Mood: CornerKicked
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 02:29 PM |
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I'll tell ya what he's running towards... the tornado-swept plains of Chuck County Maryland. Congrats on the 1K/1yr landmark Cory.
P.S. - When are you gonna start doing Cheap Heat again?
Corner Kicked - a comic where Cory and Ziggy do inappropriate stuff to each other.
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Canadian Bulldog
Man of a Thousand Holds 
Posts 1890
Registered 7-28-2003 Location Yes. Member Is Offline Mood: EVER!!!
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 02:39 PM |
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BRT (a/k/a Corey. Sorry I had to break kayfabe here, but this is a fucking SHOOT, brutha!):
Thanks for the compliment!!! And congratulations on reaching the 1,000,000,000 post mark. I never thought you could do it (I actually bet Jeb - we
thought you'd be banned after the first 4,000,000), but you proved all the critics wrong.
You have a job for life here at BulldogCorp., though in order to keep it, you may have to starting writing shit again one day.
Oh, and I just checked Amazon.com and the book isn't out there yet. An oversight? Or is just another case of Triple HHH holding down young
talent? Send me the front cover and maybe we can hawk it on BulldogZone, which for those of you who are interested, is CUTTING PRICES LIKE MAD RIGHT
NOW at
http://www.cafeshops.com/canadianbulldog
The prices are so low, you're going to think I've suffered BRAIN DAMAGE (again)!!!
Peace, out,
B-Dawg
[Edited on 7-23-2004 by Canadian Bulldog]
The book... IS... HERE!!!
The Official Inside The Ropes website
BulldogZone : Official Inside The Ropes Merchandise
The Ridiculously Expensive Canadian BullBLOG
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ModSquad003
Queen Bitch 
Posts 441
Registered 5-8-2003 Location Lurking Member Is Offline Mood: Bantabulous
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 03:11 PM |
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Lousy new status, huh? That can be fixed... and has been fixed. Now come back to bed, sweetheart. 
You fuck up the boards.
I fuck up your day.
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BoerboelLVR
Man of a Thousand Holds 
Posts 1646
Registered 2-14-2003 Location Over the line! Member Is Offline Mood: HELP ME!!!
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 03:43 PM |
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Congrats BTR!!1!111!!1 ~OMG 1000!!11!1!!
I see that thanks to 003, you've finally had your first Vergina. I hope it was worth the wait.
Unlike myself, you've managed to keep the majority of your 1000 posts worthwhile except for the TTP defense that is. I do have one minor
gripe
When it came to thank you's this is what I got, "Boerboel: uR toTalie kewl! oh, and ur ghey! "
WTF Brutha? That's all I get? I thought that my Sweaty Man Love for you meant a little more than that. Geez! Well, at least I got thanked,
so you are so very welcome.
Oh, BTW, Ur a gud kissor ~OMG!!!1!11!1!!
Don't touch me there!
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Omega
Call me McIan
Posts 1466
Registered 4-29-2004 Member Is Offline Mood: MacIan
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 03:51 PM |
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Conrats on 1000 posts, and on your new fondler status.
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GimmickMan
The Rowdy One 
Posts 2460
Registered 8-14-2003 Location Republic of Woodhaven Member Is Offline Mood: FELLA!
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 04:42 PM |
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Way to go, dad! Keep up and good work and keep the tuition money flowing!
Please.
Nice job!
(and that cover is one bad ass image!)
Go Green! Go White! Go State!
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outback jack
The Great One 
Posts 3681
Registered 3-10-2003 Location not Australia Member Is Offline Mood: old
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 07:53 PM |
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Congo Rats! And thanks for the, er, nice words. (Deftly avoiding gimmick infringement.)
Would you consider doing one of those action figure thingies featuring Gorilla Monsoon?
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salmonjunkie
American Dream 
Posts 7751
Registered 6-25-2002 Location Sunny Seattle, WA Member Is Offline Mood: ass
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 08:52 PM |
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BTR. You suck. and i don't mean that in any nice way.
Oops. What I meant to say is: CONGRATULATIONS!
And if you do plan on coming out here to WM21, you'll have a tour guide and a drinking buddy. No sweaty man-love from me, though.
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bigfatgoalie
The Man 
Posts 5379
Registered 1-16-2002 Location London, ON Member Is Offline Mood:
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 09:42 PM |
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Normally I'd say a post celebration Needs More Trish...but in this case, it needs more Billy!!! Congrats and enjoy!!!
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markout
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1299
Registered 1-4-2002 Location Elsewhere Member Is Offline Mood: Zen-tastic
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 10:37 PM |
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He thinks I'm pretty! Maybe he'll ask me to the Fall Ball! He's sooooooo dreamy!
Congrats...but honestly, you couldn't do better than "pretty" for a guy that quotes you in his sig? Come on now! 
Do NOT fuck with my chi.
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Lorraine
Showstopper
Posts 608
Registered 1-20-2003 Location The Wild, Wild MidWest Member Is Offline Mood: Chilly!
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 10:55 PM |
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Aw thanks, BTR.
You're the first person to ever mention Me, glorious Me, in one of these posts.
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ThePunisher
The Rowdy One 
Posts 2938
Registered 4-19-2003 Location Asheville, NC Member Is Offline Mood:
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| posted on 7-23-2004 at 11:05 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by borntorun
Well, some more demons caught up with me. Soon I was sick in the head making silly baseball bets with ThePunisher
Silly baseball bet? Don't think I'm not holding you to it when I win, and those Motor City Kitties are shown to be the little pussies
that they really are!
Seriously, though, congrats on reaching 1,000. And in only a year to boot. At the rate I'm going, no one else is going to be around once I
reach 1,000.
[Edited on 7-23-2004 by ThePunisher]
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Slade
The Rowdy One
Posts 2806
Registered 11-10-2002 Location Kananaskis, Alberta, Canada Member Is Offline Mood: Not at home
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| posted on 7-24-2004 at 08:08 PM |
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I do not doubt that you made it to 1,000 posts. In fact, I remember seeing that as your official post total yesterday. Now you are at 997 posts. It is
obvious that one of the Mods does not like you and they are purposely erasing your posts to try to make you look stupid. But the hoax is on them
because nobody makes you look more stupid than you do!
In any event, congratulations, Born To Run, on achieving this milestone. Moreover, I would like to thank you for recognizing me as the first person to
have recognized you as the coolest member of the OO message boards besides myself, of course (and anybody else that wants me to think that they are
cooler than you).
"Love is making out with someone after you've blown a load on his/her face." - Dan Savage
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Ultra Magnus
Man of a Thousand Holds
Posts 1491
Registered 1-4-2002 Location Red Sox Nation Member Is Offline Mood: Resigned
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| posted on 7-24-2004 at 11:33 PM |
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To bring it into stark relief:
Ultra Magnus has attached this image:
I raise six glasses every night, just to get drunk enough to love this country like I did as a
kid: without feeling like it's using me.
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OOMatt
Crazy Go Nuts 
Posts 1194
Registered 12-19-2002 Location St. Paul Member Is Offline Mood: Greatest Mood
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| posted on 7-25-2004 at 07:10 AM |
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What would really be devistating is if the mods went through and deleted every Billy Gunn related post.
Post Count: 2/3
HaHA! 003, you're on it!
For NFL Power Rankings, My Blog and More check out Hock Show Dot Com
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AnglesGoldMedals
Showstopper 
Posts 686
Registered 2-13-2003 Location From wherever he damn well pleases (Newcastle, UK) Member Is Offline Mood: "Break it!
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| posted on 7-26-2004 at 12:56 AM |
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BTR, you are so vain, you probably think this post is about you....
Congrats, you attention whore !
Now with 20% less Kellett...
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borntorun
God of This World
Posts -8733
Registered 7-22-2003 Location Breathe Member Is Offline Mood: House, Monk-E
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| posted on 7-29-2004 at 04:02 AM |
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Markout and Boer, sorry to stiff you on the comments. But my physical attraction to you both makes it hard for me to....wait, what am I saying? Just
be happy that if I gave you a comment, that means that I bolded you TWICE! Damn ungrateful bastards.
Marky, you're easily one of the best all-around guys here, and I wish you'd write more columns. Plus, you've got this certain wit
that I can't put into words that I'm jealous of and want to have.
Boer, I stand by my earlier comments. Ur sExaaay!
Bulldog: Johnny ITR will have something on your desk this weekend. Whether or not it's some kind of report or your morning coffee is up in the
air.
quote:
Mod003: Lousy new status, huh? That can be fixed... and has been fixed. Now come back to bed, sweetheart.
Only if you let me be on the outside of the spoon this time!
[Edited on 7-29-2004 by borntorun]
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2HoT
The Immortal One 
Posts 4809
Registered 3-23-2002 Location Yermomsbox PA Member Is Offline Mood: Cock-sure
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| posted on 7-29-2004 at 06:36 PM |
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Congratz BTR.
An occasion such as this requires a present.
I wasn't sure what to get ya but I happened to be walking past Banana Republic and this just screamed ambiguous sexual orientation at me so of
course, I though of you.
Here ya go, buddy
Keep up the good work!
Who wants soup?
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blackdragon
The Great One 
Posts 3491
Registered 11-9-2003 Member Is Offline Mood: Awesome
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| posted on 8-4-2004 at 05:11 PM |
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CONGRATULATIONS
How can one hope to conceive an adequate form of expressing one's devotion. For you BTR, have guided me away from the destitude of the likes of
Benoit and Jericho and into the cleansing light of the "One." And not some black trenchcoat garbed sissy boy, but the one and only Mr. Ass. So I
kneel before you in reverence for accepting me despite my past transgressions and lack of faith in the "One" and pledge to follow you through the
valley of scorn and contempt heaped upon our beliefs like so much rich gravy atop buttery mashed potatos. In Gunn's name I pray, AMEN.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would you mind sharing Mod? Not to sound blasphemous or anything, just curious.
[Edited on 8-4-2004 by blackdragon] Because spelling is not as forgiving as Lord Gunn
[Edited on 8-4-2004 by blackdragon]
A ho fucks everybody. A bitch fucks everybody but you.
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