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The True Story Behind the Awesome Kongs 

August 21, 2003

by the Candian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"I would suggest that, Bret Hart didn't screw Bret Hart; Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart." - Vince MacMcMahon, following the infamous 1997 Minnesota Screwjob.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to another JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, otherwise known as Oldline Onslut's most popular columnist EVER!!!. Tons to get to this week, including an EXCLUSIVE interview and SummerShow predictions, so let's get started. But first, a quick Trivia Question:

Who sings the new theme song for Revolution?
(A) Twisted Sister
(B) R.A.T.T.
(C) Quiet Riot
(D) Judas Priest
(E) Iron Maiden
(F) HHH and The Wrestling Boot Band

Answer at the end of this column!!!

We start things off on a sad note: Rumor has it that all is not well between the sport's hottest real-life couple of Shawn Waltman and China. According to tabloid television program Rescue 911, Waltman broke into China's house and yelled at her because she sold WCW to her son after Waltman had built it from the ground up. Then he threatened 'The Eighth Wonder of the World' and forced her into the bedroom. DISGRACEFUL! Why, Ex-Pack, why?

According to a letter on Whitman's personal Web site , he still loves China very much, and he didn't mean to accidentally put her in a stepover-toehold-facelock while threatening to kill someone. It sounds like there's still hope for those two crazy lovebirds!!!

Former WWWE Champion Superstar Barry Graham is headed back to the federation!!! Insiders say that he'll back for SummerShow to plug his upcoming autobiography. For those of you who don't remember his legendary career, here's a quick run down:

He started in the WFF in 1988 and injured his hip shortly thereafter. He acted as a manager for Don "The Rock" Marino and then appeared on Geraldo to claim that Vince MacMcMahon was assaulting him sexually. Then he became a preacher. His look and style were later copied by people such as Joey The Body Ventura, Papa Pump and Tony Atlas.

First Kain gets unmasked… and now Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash gets shaved bald in a hair vs hair vs hair match? Eric Bischoff's Monday Night Raw is proving to be a show where ANYTHING can happen!

Did anyone else here know that former strongman Dina Bravo… is DEAD? News to me. Here's hoping he's enjoying himself in that big `USA is NOT OK' sign in the sky.

All of us here at OOO are waiting on pins and needles for SummerScam, which takes place in just three weeks from the legendary Madison Square Garden. Here are my EXCLUSIVE picks for what will go down in Phoenix:

Elimination Cage Match -- Big Sex Killer, Sean McMichaels, Bill Goldust, Chris Jericoholic and Dusty Roads vs Triple HHH, Rick Flare, Randy Orson, J.J. Dillon and The War Machine: I can see this one going either way.

Hair vs Hair Match -- Brock Lesnor vs Curt Angle: Just too close to call. Should be a great contest.

Love Her or Leave Her Match -- Eric Bischov (w/Lydia MacMahon) vs Shane O. Mack: I'm stumped on this one.

Tag Team Title Match -- Dudley Brotherz vs Los Resistance (w/Army Man): Look for the team of to come out on top of this big bout!!!

Tag Team Title Match -- The Best Goddamn Tag Team EVER (Sheldon Benjamin, Charlie Horse) vs Ray Misterio and Billy The Kid-Sized Man: You shouldn't even have to ASK me about the outcome of this one.

Four-Way Dance -- Cripplin' Chris Benwah vs Eddie Guerrera vs The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards:

Special Challenge Match -- Kain The Big Stupid Red Machine vs. Ron Van-Damme: I've been trying for weeks to pick a winner between these two gladiators and… I just can't. Readers?

Girl's Title Match -- Tritch Stratus vs Gay Kim vs Dolly Holly vs Queen Victoria vs Jazzy vs The Returning Leeta: Everyone's got a 50-50 chance of winning!!!

Six-Man Intergender Tag Match -- Rodney Max, Christopher Lewinski and T.D. Long vs. Hurricane Helmsley, Super Rosie and Snug-A-Lot The Cat: Probably will be a DDQ.

Speaking of which… I had the chance recently to catch up with Big Evil The Under Taker in an EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED interview!!! What follows is the unedited transcript. You may not reprint this transcript elsewhere, unless you represent some sort of wrestling news site:

CB: Is this The Undertaker?
UT: This is an undertaker. How can I help you?
CB: Wow. I'm speaking to The Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen. This is an EXCLUSIVE for Inside The Ropes!!!
UT: Sir?
CB: Oh, right - the interview…
UT: Interview? Are you sure you have the right undertaker?
CB: Oh…. Wow. Wait. Is this, like, Fake Undertaker?
UT: We certainly are not. This is a reputable business, sir, and I…
CB: Question number one: Was it you or Kain that set your parents on fire?
UT: Beg pardon?
CB: It's probably a touchy subject, I know. Especially because Paul Burner blamed you for the whole thing.
UT: Sir, I think you have the…
CB: Question number two: Is Nathan Jones really as tough as he appears?
UT: Nathan who?
CB: He does appear to be as tough as nails. I wouldn't want to buy a used car from him!
UT: I'm sorry?
CB: Don't be. Uh… question number three: Why… do you have a British accent?
UT: Sir, I am an undertaker. I was born in London and have lived..
CB: WOW! What an exclusive, folks. He's originally from England. All this time, we thought he was from Death Valley, Texas. Wow!!!! Question number five…
UT: You haven't asked me, `question number four' yet. And also…
CB: My bad. Question number four: Do you remember all of those interviews they did with you in PWI?
UT: No.
CB: How did they…
CB: A-HA! I knew it! Well, you know what, Fake Undertaker, you may have all of Teddy Biase's dirty money, but you'll NEVER get away with your evil plot. Damn you, Underfaker! Damn you to HELL!!!(Hangs up).

Remember, if you have an interview subject you're DYING for me to speak with, email me at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com.

The following are a list of the Top 10 wrestling-related books, according to Amazon.com:

10. The Hardy Boyz Mystery, written by Matt and Crash Hardy
9. The Complete Dumb Idiot's Guide to Professional Wrestling for Morons and Jerks, written by Captain Lou Albino, George The Animal Lover Steel and Mine. 8. Foley is Big: and the Real World is Better than Stupid Fake Wrestling, written by Cactus Jerk.
7. I Just Can't Wait to be King... Sometimes, written by Jerry The King Lawyer.
6. Sex and Headlocks, written by Some Guy.
5. Dave Meltzer's Tribute to Dead Wrestlers, written by Brian Alvares.
4. Tonight.... In This Very Ring, Austin, You're Going To Be Facing The Entire Corporation! And If You Lose, Austin, There's No Chance In Hell You're Going To Be Entered Into The Royal Rumble. I Guarantee It. Did You Hear That, JR? Vince Just Guaranteed It. Woo-Hoo! Puppies!, written by The Internet's Greatest Treasure, Scott "Toby" Keith.
3. Pure Dynamite and Davey Boy, written by British Bulldog (no relation).
2. Wrestlecarp, by RJR Reynolds.
1. Smack! Down Five: Shut Yer Trap, written by Akkklaim.

Is Hulk Hollywood Hogan looking to re-form the nWo? No.

Just me, or is The Obese Angle by Jab Tennessee Lung WAY over my head? I just don't 'get' it.

Whatever happened to Wham Bam Bigelow? He was one bad mutha. I think he should be brought back in some sort of capacity.

Independent wrestling sensation J-Lo Ki legitimately knocked out Some Jobber at a Ring of Horror show in New Jersey over the weekend. Low Key rules!!!

And finally, let's open the old virtual mailbag so I can answer some of your questions. Be sure to e-mail me questions, or answers, at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com. Here we go:

Q: What can you tell me about Stevie Richards? How can I get in touch with him?
A: Thanks for the compliment. According to his official website, ``The blonde bombshell, former model and Playboy cover girl made her shocking comeback just days after WrestleMania XIX. Even four years after departing, the men still come to see her, and the women still want to be her. In 1999, in fact, men and women alike clamored to see her -- nude -- when she became the first WWE Diva to pose in Playboy.''
Q: You're not funny. Your column isn't funny. Stop wasting precious space on Online Onslaught with your second-grade level drivel. Or else.
A: Hello?!? It's not SUPPOSED to be funny.
Q: Dear Canadian Bulldog: Try our award winning formula FREE. We guarantee you'll lose up to 10 pounds a week and pay nothing*. If you set your mind to losing more weight, and are interesting in continuing the TrimLife diet, simply fill out the form below. *-Not a guarantee.
A: Thanks for passing along that cool info, r-dalgwczycvqhja@capitalbargains.net! With an incredible offer like that, how can I go wrong?
Q: What are your five favorite matches of all time?
A: I would have to say: Crash Holly vs The Headbangers at an amusement park (Raw, 1999); Rick Flair vs Rico (Raw, 2002); Crash Holly vs Mean Street Posse at an airport (Raw, 1999); Siva Afi vs Iron Mike Sharpe (Maple Leaf Gardens Feature Match, 1987) and Big Boss Man vs David Apollo (WWF Wrestling Challenge, 1991). All of those stand the test of time.
Q: I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Do you think that if the WWE writing team turned one of the two shows into a `pure wrestling' league and left the other one as more of a 'sports entertainment' type program, the two brands would have a better chance of competing against each other and attracting new fans?
A: Not really.

Well, that about does it for this week. Remember to e-mail me with your thoughts, compliments, praise and suggestions at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com. Or, if you don't have Internet access, go to your local library and e-mail me at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com. Until next week; remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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