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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Austin 31.6 Says, 
"I Just Wrote Your Column" 

August 28, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Yo! It's me, it's me, it's D - P - P!" 
     - Simon Diamond Page, 2001

Hey, folks -- Canadian Bulldog, the most popular personality on the Internet, here with another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of ITR!!! My sources tell me that SummerScam is in the books, and it's on to new things. With that in mind, I'm going to skip this week's trivia question (sorry!) and get right down to business.

An open letter to Vincent J. MacMahon, President of WWE Corp.:

Dear Mr. MacMahon, I know you are a regular reader of Oldline Onslut, so please shut up and listen to me. You are the owner of, arguably, one of the larger wrestling companies in North America. You've done it all in this business from being an announcer to being a special guest referee. But the one thing you haven't been is… a father.

Well, technically you have been a father. But what I mean is, not a very good father.

Okay, in terms of providing for your children Stephoney and Shawn, you probably did good in that department. Those kids just look wealthy, you know? But what I mean is, you're a jerk.

How dare you lead this secret life, cheating on your gorgeous wife Lydia? And you know what, Vince? Remember all those love affairs you had: Tritch Stratus, Ivory, Sabel The Wildcat and Don Marie? Your wife KNEW about them all!!! She just has too much CLASS to make an issue out of it.

Maybe it's time you GREW THE HELL UP, and learned how to be a good father!!! Why don't you go outside right now and play catch with Shane O. Max? Or take Daddy's Little Girl shopping? I bet you'd feel a whole lot better about yourself.

Just some friendly advice from someone who's been in your shoes.

Peace out,

B-Dawg

And now, on to your regularly scheduled news:

What the HECK has gotten into "Coach" John Goodman? First, he accidentally hits Shane with a chair, and then he tries to get JR Ewing fired? As Gorilla Monsoon used to say, "Puh-lease! Give me a break, Monsoon!" You only got this job because Todd and Rod Pettengill up and quit one day, so you should count your lucky stars you landed this great internship at WWE Corp. Employee of the month, my Oklahoma ass!!!

Anyone know when that movie starring Rocky Maivia and Stifler is going to hit theaters? Should I get my tickets now? In a related note, my backstage sources tell me the reason Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash was shaved bald on Raw last week was for an upcoming movie role. According to Isn't That Cool News, Nash will play the part of Grandpa Klump in Nutty Professor III.

One of the biggest fans of this column, totalbs@hotmail.com, sent word that there was a WWE pay-per-view spectacular this weekend… in Japan! Thing is, I hadn't enough heard anything about it, not even in Mr. Tito's Fat Daily Column. Here are the results:

  • The Oriental Express (who knew they were still around?) def. The Bash Brothers
  • Show Funaki def. John Ceno
  • Takajiri def. Rhinocerous, Chris Benwah and Eddie Guerrera (non-title bout!)
  • Kensenunki Sakasaki, Great Muta, Hiroshi Hase and Keiji Moto def. Full-Bodied Italians and Tenyru
  • Antonio Onoki def. Brock Lesnor
  • TAKA Michinoclue def. HHHH (TITLE WAS ON THE LINE!!!!)

Thanks for the heads-up, totalbs! Any idea when we can watch that show on these shores?

I want to get one of those 'Fock Fear' shirts that Stuart Stone Steve Austin wears.

Speaking of The Memphis Rattlesnake, I had the chance recently to chat with good old Stoned Cold, who by the way, is currently playing the role of Co-CEO on RAW! The following is an UNEDITED, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript.

SCSA: Good afternoon. Austin, how may I help you?
CB: WHAT?
SCSA: Good afternoon. This is Austin Insu..
CB: WHAT?
SCSA: How may I help you?
CB: I'm just kidding with you, Austin. Ha! It's me, Canadian Bulldog. How'd you like me using your Patented Catchphrase… on you?
SCSA: WHAT?
CB: Yeah, that one.
SCSA: I'm sorry, are you looking for information on your policy?
CB: No thanks. I wanted to talk about your historic career for Inside The Ropes.
SCSA: WHAT?
CB: Okay, okay. That's getting kind of old now. Question number one: How did you feel when Rocky Maivia told you that you should ``Go The F Home''?
SCSA: I think you may be looking for someone else…
CB: Yeah, I know. I tried to get in touch with 'The Greatest One', but he doesn't return my calls. Question number two…
SCSA: Sorry… wait. Is this about insurance?
CB: Actually, I was going to ask you about your rivalry with Eric Bischov, but if you'd rather me ask about insurance, I guess I could…
SCSA: Oh, wait. (Laughs) You think… I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin, the wrestler?
CB: Well, Stoned Cold. But, yeah.
SCSA: I see. Um… yeah, I am… Stone Cold, and you know what? I think its time that you started exploring your insurance options.
CB: Really?
SCSA: If you wanna see Canadian Bulldog get a no-obligation estimate on personal liability coverage, gimme a 'Oh hell yeah!'
CB: OH HELL YEAH!
SCSA: And if you wanna see Canadian Bulldog take out umbrella liability as well at a nominal monthly charge, gimme a 'Oh hell yeah!'
CB: OH HELL YEAH!
SCSA: Now all you have to do is give me your credit card number, and that's the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so!
CB: Uh.. I don't have a credit card, actually.
SCSA: WHAT?
CB: Heh… this is great, Austin. What should I say next?
SCSA: You don't have a credit card?
CB: OH HELL NO!
(Hangs up)

I'll be sure to bring you part two of this EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview once my check to them clears!!!

Hey… I just noticed something. When you type out the new nickname for Super Rosey, it kind of… SPELLS OUT SOMETHING. That's right, Super Hero On Training is actually a Cute Acronym for SHOT! Pretty clever, WWE!!! I haven't been this impressed since you introduced the Edwin R. Shuster character some years ago.

Did anyone notice that Mr. American is no longer on the roster? When did THAT happen?

You may not know this, but yours truly is actually from Canada. That said, I do NOT support the actions of Los Resistance, who are clearly trying to get under the skin of The Dudley Brothers, from the All-American city of Dudleyville, New York. The evil Frenchmen have recruited a legit army commander (Ron Conway) in their evil plot to destroy America. Thank GOODNESS the third Dudley, Spike TV is there to even up the score.

By the way, you may notice I'm a little light on Smack! Down news this week. That's because my cable company no longer carries the program. Actually, they still carry it, but now they want me to buy a package of other channels I just don't want. Sorry, folks, but sometimes a man has to take a stand. If you have any tapes of last week's Smack! Down, please send them care of Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com

E-Buy Alert! I'm selling some of my best wrestling memorabailli…er, parapahaneli… things. This week, you can buy a Limited Edition Billygun Pencil Case, a Shirt That Probably Was Signed By Rev. Slick and a Best of the WWWF Volume 0 videotape (Beta format). To bid on my items, click here!!!

This is where I would normally bring you Questions & Answers, but I have a small problem. It seems as though certain unnamed people (totalbs@hotmail.com, I'm looking at YOU!) have bombarded my virtual mailbox with letters of profanity!!! You know the type: 'Your column f---ing sucks'; 'Go to h--k you st---d piece of s---'; 'Get out of d--t now with our exclusive f---ing residential loan program', etc. I simply refuse to print them 'Tonight… In This Very Column' (copyright author Keith Scott).

So instead, I thought I'd bring you something of a treat. Do you remember the magazine Inside Of Wrestling? I have a copy here with me from July 1990 (Cover story: "PWI Investigation: How Undertaker Killed The Original Ultimate Warrior"), and there's this great feature called `Where Are They Now?'. It was a great way to keep me up to date on my favorite WFF superstars. So without further ado (copyright author Keith Scott), here's a little feature I call 'Where Are They Now?'

 
Wrestler Best Known For Currently
Greg The Hacksaw Valentine Injuring His Leg Indy Scene
Brutus "Beefcake" Leslie Cuttin' And Struttin' Retired… And Lovin' It
Sand Man Alcoholism ECW
Nathan Johns Escaping From Prison House Arrest
Brother Love Loving Yewwwww Preacher
Jim The Advil Night Hart Crazy Beard Teaching Parachute Class, Newark
D'Von "Bad News" Brown Heat Commentator AWA-TNA
Steve Wahoo McMichael NFL Champion Not Sure
Jake Snakeman Robards Not Trusting His Foes Drug Rehab (!!!)
Andrew The French Giant Film Role, The Scorpion Bride Deceased
Bob Backlan Using Big Words Deceased
Mean "Jean" Okerland Host, WCW Nitro Host, WWE Excess, Hour 2
Under Taker Resting In Peace Still Active
Kurt Henning Mr. Flawless Gimmick AWA-TNA
The Wall Bodyguard, Berlin Here
Grand Master Sexy Part Of Two Cool Team Drugs, Drugs, Drugs
Paul Burier Father Of Kain Owns Small Cemetery Business
Master Fuji Tuxedo, Bowler Hat Real Estate Developer

If you know of a superstar's whereabouts that you want me to include in a future column, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com

If you want to find out more about a wrestler who is missing, email me at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com

If you have a letter for my Questions & Answers column -- it's no Ask The Rick, but then again, what is? -- email me at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com 

If you have a comment about my column and it's not stupid, email me at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com 

That's it for this week. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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