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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Goldberg You Don't Know! 

October 2, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I'm Gonna Git You… SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!" 
        - Booker Tee, 1988

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of Inside The Ropes, arguably the most informative wrestling column EVER. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and let's get right down to it.

An open letter to Scott "Toby" Keith:

Hello, Scott. How are you? My name is Canadian Bulldog. Do you remember me? We once agreed to read each other's work, but obviously only ONE OF US honored that commitment (ME!).

But that's not what this is about. You write weekly wrestling 'rants' on 911mania.com, covering the latest matches in WWE, WCW and AWA:TNA. Everyone already knows that.

My question is, why are you so FREAKING bitter? Why can't you just sit back, and enjoy the hours and hours of free entertainment that these companies provide for us (okay, maybe not TNA, but I'm sure you have a 'hook up' of some sort)?

Okay, maybe this isn't the best year for World Wide Wrestling Federation Entertainment Corporation Limited Incorporated LLC. But it's ONE OF the best years they've had, what with Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash losing his hair and all.

Maybe each match isn't deserving of your patented ****** rating, but did you ever stop to think about their families and how THEY are affected by your stingy ratings system? I'm sure the wife of, say, Rodney Max -- if he's married (and a handsome fella like him would HAVE to be spoken for) -- would be IN TEARS at your latest review of his match, which reads word-for-word:

"Rodney Max's match was a crappy piece of fucking shit. No stars."

How can you look yourself in the mirror at night with comments like those, Scottski? What did the superstars of WWWE ever do to you? What, did Hercules put you in a vertical backbreaker as a child or something? What gives?

You have often said that you hope to become the next Dave Melter, but at this rate, you're not even in the same league as Oldline Onslut's Jab Tennessee Lung or Matt Horking.

You may disagree with my points, but deep down you know I'm 100 percent right. We're both from Canada. Why can't we think exactly alike?

Peace, out,

B-Dawg

A sad note from the wrestling world. Anthony Durante, best known to fans as One Of The Pitbulls, has died. That's sad to hear. Personally, I can't say I've ever seen any of his matches, though through photos and online accounts, it sounds like he formed one hell of a tag team. Their costumes were outrageous, right down to the cut-off jean shorts and rope belts, and the oversized soupbones they carried to ringside. Our prayers are with his family, and with former partner Pitbull Rex, during this troubling time.

How good is it to have Good Ol' JR Ewing and Jerry The King Lawyer back as the Raw announcing team, and not the evil team of Coach Man and Al Shaw? During their absence, I couldn't help but think of how they would have called some of the big Raw matches. And once they un-retired and took over the mic, it was obvious they hadn't lost a step and that the old magic was back. Nothing but kudos from me for these promising youngsters!!!

It's so nice to see that Torrie Watson and Don Marie have put aside their differences to go after a common enemy: Queen Shineequaa. Al Watson must be smiling down from heaven, knowing that his `two girls' can separate the whole killing-your-father thing for the greater good.

HUGE NEWS on the Triple HHH front. It turns out that The Criminal Assassin has offered a whopping ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS for anyone who can pin Bill Goldenberg to the mat. Obviously, "H" has opened up that infamous Greenwich wallet of his, and with that kind of money making the rounds, it's a wonder Da Man still has the title around his muscular waist!!!

And speaking of which…

HHH headed to HHHollywood? Rumor has it that "H" is looking to Tinseltown to polish off his already-impressive resume. My top-level sources tell me that he's currently in negotiations with Academy Award winner Wesley Sniper to co-star in Blade III: Because The First Two Blades Weren't Enough and is also in talks to star with Washed-Up Actor Stuart Stone and D-Von Sawa in Boys Club II: The Boys Get Pummeled With A Sledgehammer Because They're Snot-Nosed Punks Who Use Their Parents Computers To Spread Internet Rumors. Both projects sound like BOX OFFICE GOLD to the old Bulldog!!!

And speaking of which…

I had a Completely Original Idea over the weekend: why not pen a comic strip… about wrestling?!? A quick search of the most important wrestling websites showed me that no one out there is doing it.

Let me know what you folks think about the premier edition of my comic; more are ON THEIR WAY!!!

Recently, I had the chance to chat over the phone with WWE World Heavyweight champion of the world… Goldberg!!! What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED TRANSCRIPT. The transcript may not reprinted without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

G: Good afternoon, Goldberg Clinic, how may I direct your call?
CB: You sure DID put on a clinic this past week, teaming with H2K against Revolution.
G: I'm sorry, sir.
CB: Oh, don't be. You did your best, and that's what counts.
G: Who is this?
CB: Canadian Bulldog, the man who kicks Hot Newz's ass with his groundbreaking columns.
G: Who do you want to speak with, sir?
CB: GOOOOOO-LDBERG! GOOOOO-LDBERG! Is this him?
G: Why no, it's not.
CB: Oh. That would explain why you sound less like a guy and more like an old woman, then.
G: (Gasps) One moment!

A short time later…

G: This is Dr. Goldberg. Can I help you?
CB: Yes, this… wait a second. DOCTOR Goldberg?
G: Yes. Who…
CB: DOCTOR Goldberg?
G: Yes!
CB: Wow, you learn something new every day. I had no idea you were a doctor.
G: Do I know you?
CB: No, I'm just a longtime fan. Question number one: how do you feel now that you've rid the world of Triple HHH?
G: Is that some sort of disease?
CB: Is it ever! Just answer the question.
G: I don't know what you're talking about, kid. Now…
CB: Question number two: Why did you let Scott 'Last Hall' Call end your winning streak?
G: Streak? I've had more successful operations than any other doctor in this state, but I wouldn't call it a …
CB: Question number three: how does it feel knowing that people hate you behind the scenes?
G: THEY DO?
CB: Do they ever!!!
G: Well (sniff), I don't know what to say. I mean, you don't take this job to make friends, but still I thought that (sniff) at least some people in my ward liked me… (starts bawling)
CB: Calm yourself down!!! Last question. Who's next?
G: (Sniff) Well, I have Murray Handelbaum down for my three fifteen appointment, but now, I'm not sure I really feel like seeing him.
CB: Okay. Bye!!! (hangs up)

So let that be a warning to YOU, Murray Handelbaum. The WWE champion is calling your ass out!!! And remember, if you have anyone you want me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com 

It looks like my prayers have been answered -- Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah will finally 'lock horns' with a Train at the next pay-per-view spectacular, Have Mercy. Also expected for this power-packed-card are: Big Evil The Under Taker v. Brock Lesnor FOR THE TITLE!!!; Vince MacMcMacMcMacMahon v. His Daughter in a Hell In The Cell; Eddie Guerrera, Chavito Guerrera and Ray Mistereo v. Best Show and Team Angel, and Cur Tangle vs The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor. On paper, it looks like the BEST PPV EVER!!!

This week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, both Molly Hardy and Gay Kim complained that they didn't have their own books or DVD's yet. Well, that's all about to change!!! Sources tell me that a Kim DVD will be out NEXT WEEK and feature all four of her WWE matches, while Molly's book, out in time for Christmas, will no doubt be placed alongside the best-seller's lists like the bios of Marvelous Moolah, China and The Returning Leeta.

Update on the suckiness of Hot Newz: He still sucks!!! Yeah, I know you've been "dissing" me to all of our common "sources", but "it's" got to "stop". You may be the originator of our style, pal, but I'm the originator!!! You want a piece of me? I'm not too hard to find. (Note to webmaster Rick Scherer: as per our previous agreement, please do not give out my home address or credit card information. Thanks!!!)

Where did Rod Roddy Piper go? I haven't seen his In The Pit With Piper segment on TV for several weeks now.

Finally, let's close this bad boy up with a little Q & A. Remember to send me your questions (or answers) at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com 

Q: Stop wasting column space, bonehead.
A: Thanks for the compliment!!! And actually, it's Bulldog, not Bonehead. You wouldn't believe how many times people have mixed those two up.

Q: What can you tell me about Goldberg?
A: According this official web site, Dr. Goldberg is ``a Natural Hygiene Practitioner and a University Professor of Gastroenterology, Rheumatology, and Clinical Nutrition since 1979, Dr. Goldberg has long been devoted to helping others reverse chronic illnesses through Natural Hygienic/Biological Measures.
Few understand the misery and discouragement of being unable to locate the help and guidance they need in order to recover from chronic illness better than Dr. Goldberg. Stricken with a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis accompanied by ulcerative colitis in 1975, he searched for help for his ailing body trying numerous systems and doctors without help. In 1976 he came under the guidance of Dr. R.L Cheatham at the Natural Hygiene Institute where he worked and studied for a year, rebuilt his tattered body, and became the institute's health and fasting director.
He continued his studies at the University of Texas Medical Center, Graduate School of Public Health, where he did his thesis on Hygienic Approaches to Rheumatic /Arthritic Diseases.

Q: Why was WWF forced to change its name to WWE?
A: Because Rick Flare wasn't allowed to have his old WWF title shown on television even though he owned the thing. So while they were changing the logo on the belt, they also changed the company's name.

Q: Why hasn't Stone Cold Steve Austin been wrestling lately?
A: Stoned Cold, real name Stephen Austin, was suspended by the WWE Board of Directors because he was physically provoked by Eric Bischov and Y J Stinger.

Q: What can you tell me about Mark Jindrak?
A: Jindrak has " long been devoted to helping others reverse chronic illnesses through Natural Hygienic/Biological Measures.
Few understand the misery and discouragement of being unable to locate the help and guidance they need in order to recover from chronic illness better than Dr. Jindrak.
Stricken with a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis accompanied by ulcerative colitis in 1975, he searched for help for his ailing body trying numerous systems and doctors without help. In 1976 he came under the guidance of Dr. R.L Cheatham at the Natural Hygiene Institute where he worked and studied for a year, rebuilt his tattered body, and became the institute's health and fasting director.
He continued his studies at the University of Texas Medical Center, Graduate School of Public Health, where he did his thesis on Hygienic Approaches to Rheumatic /Arthritic Diseases."

That's about it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, suggestions, constructive criticisms, stupid remarks, or you're just Hot Newz telling me that "It's ON!", email me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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