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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Pay-per-view Preview and
Oh-so-much More. 

October 16, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I'm back. And better than ever." 
      - Eric Bischov, numerous occasions.

Hello, everyone, welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. My name is Canadian Bulldog and we have lots to get to this week.

Why is there lots to get to? Because I was on vacation last week and have tons to catch up on, including the angle where Los Guerreras sprayed Best Show with mud.

Why was I on vacation? Because I needed a break, quite frankly, from you readers, who hang on my every word and wait on MY column before making an Educated Decision about `the squared circle.' Let me tell you, it's quite a responsibility.

Why is it such a responsibility? Ehhh… no time to get into that right now. Roll the open letter:

An open letter to Stacey Keebler:

Hello, Stacey. How are you? My name is Canadian Bulldog. You've probably seen some of my racy photos on the Internet before.

The reason I'm writing you today is because you shouldn't have to take this CRAP (Note to webmaster Rick Scherer: can we say `crap' on this website? Besides, of course, when Matt Horking refers to Smack! Down?) for any longer!!!

This past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, you were senselessly attacked by Scotty Too Steiner because he lost his shot at the tag team titles. Well, I say… TOO BAD FOR HIM!!! He should have known better than to give you a stone cold stunner just because he's an angry JERK!!!

And speaking of which… what did The Memphis Rattlesnake do? He just sat there, laughing away at your misfortune and chugging down beers!!! Some WWE Commissioner you are, Stoned Cold.

Stacy, it's high time you got out of this sport that treats you like a piece of meat (Note to webmaster Rick Scherer: Can I say 'piece of meat' on the website?). You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. While you're no Missy Hyatte in the looks department, you certainly aren't that ugly.

Leave World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. RIGHT NOW - and settle down with a nice Jewish boy like me. Just kidding folks (I'm married). But you get my point, no?

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

Breaking News: Hulk Hollywood Hogan is said to be *this close* to signing on the dotted line with T and A!!! As legend has it, The Hulk had just finished a successful title defense against Masahito Chonaki in China when none other than Double Jeff Jarrod jumped him, made him bleed and then asked him if he'd like to sign a contract.

While Hogan v. Jarrod is a great match and all, what I'd REALLY like to see is for The Immaterial Hulk Hogan finally "lock horns" with The Roddy Scot Rod Roddy Piper in a battle of the all-time greatest legends EVER!!!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's see if the contract actually gets signed before I declare that Hulk-O-Mania is going to run wild once again!!!

This is NOT a Test: Turns out that The Test will be out from six weeks to a year because of a pulled foot injury he suffered on a recent house show. I can't be the only one pulling for this fiery youngster to get back in the ring STAT!!!

Due to the OVERWHELMING response two weeks ago, I have decided to pen another wrestling cartoon. People like Derek Kurrgan and OOO's own Brad Foley only WISH they had talent like this: 

 
We are just two weeks away from the WWE's latest pay-per-view spectacular. So, without further ado, here's Canadian Bulldog's
EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED PREVIEW of Have Mercy:

  • Main event -- Vince MacMcMahon v. His Daughter (Love her or leave her match): What's not to love? It's the original Family Feud here, and that always means a good match and high buyrates!!! The fact that Stephoney's mother Lydia and Vince's real-life mistress Sabel The Wild Cat will be in opposite corners only creates more tension to an already hot situation!!!
  • Big Evil The Under Taker v. The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor (Bicycle-on-a-chain match): The Taker has all the tools to pull this one off; he's older, angrier and DEADLIER than his young, sexy opponent. But Brook has the big gold strap right now, so it's hard to count him out. Or disqualify him.
  • Curt Angel v. Jim Cena (Celebrity Rap-Off): I think it's time to bust out some Bulldoganomics:
     
  • Yo, yo, yo, I just gotta say,
    That this match is really gonna make my day.
    One guy's good on the stick, the other guy's good at rasslin',
    This will be a classic match for the ages.
    WORLD LIFE!!! 
     
  • Chris Benwah v. a Train: It's hard to believe that Stephoney signed this match, because I would have bet it was a match made in Workrate Heaven!!! This has something for everyone: one guy is good at amateur-style wrestling holds, while the other is hairy and large. Can't pick a winner on this one.
  • Matt Gowen v. Zach Hardy (Ladder match): Why does the WWE waste our time with matches like this? Who really wants to see these guys on a PPPV? I'd much rather shell out good money to see guys like The Full Bodied Italians and Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too on the big show. And, speaking of big shows…
  • Ray Mistereo v. Takijiri v. Billy The Kid-Sized Man v. The Allllllltimate Dragon v. Jimmy Noble (Triple Threat Match): This one could go either way!!!
  • Latino Night Heat v. Best Show (Loser has to eat dog shit): The stakes are high, yes, but something tells me this will be the match of the night. Bank on it!!!


Due to an overwhelming request from numerous fans, I decided to contact my good friend Simon Diamond Dallas Page. Many of you longtime friends will remember that DPP had to retire from the business last year because he was Too Old.

What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript. It may not be reprinted without giving full credit and complete creative control to Oldline Onslut:

DDP: Hello, Dallas Diamonds.
CB: Get ready to feel… the… BANG!!!
DDP: Hello?
CB: Hi, there, it's Canadian Bulldog, the guy whom many consider to be far superior to Hot Newz. I was just looking to talk to you for an interview.
DDP: An interview?
CB: I thought you'd never ask. Question number one: What ever happened to that Battle Bowl ring? Did Steve MacMichaels steal it?
DDP: I don't understand…
CB: Because he lost his when Goldenberg stole it from him.
DDP: Uh…
CB: But that happened years ago. Question number two: How old are you? You look like you could pass for at least fifty-five.
DDP: EXCUSE ME?!?
CB: Oh… that probably happens a lot at your age, no worries.
DDP: Look, who are you trying to talk to?
CB: Does the term `five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion' mean anything to you?
DDP: No. Who are you looking for?
CB: Uh, who did I call again?
DDP: The Dallas Diamonds football team.
CB: Heh, heh. That's who I was looking for… the, uh, Diamond Dallas… uh… football… Ivegottogobye (hangs up).

A short time later…

DDP: Hello, Dallas Diamonds.
CB: Get ready to feel… the… BANG!!!
DDP: YOU AGAIN?
CB: Aaaaaaaah (hangs up).

Folks, just a reminder, if there's anyone you want me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.

I have it on good authority that New Jersey based 'shlock jock' Isaac Stern will be among the celebrities at Wrestle Mania XXX. Finally, we'll get to see what happened to The Jackal and his Parade of Human Oddities!!!

Just one question in the old virtual mailbag this week, probably because many of my fans are too dumb to write in. Anyways, here it is:

Q: If you could create a federation using any wrestlers you wanted, who would you choose?

A: Thanks for the compliment. In no particular order, I'd choose: Curt Angel, Goldenberg, Triple HHH, Brock Lesnor, Big Evil The Under Taker, Rhino Richards, a Train, Booker Tee, Rod Van-Damme, The Christian, Dudley Brotherz, Los Resistance, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Chris Benwah, Eddie Guerrera, Best Show, Big Daddy Pump, The Test, Stephoney MacMahon, Stoned Cold, Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, Eric Bischov, Jimmy Noble, Ray Misterio, Vincent MacMcMacMcMahon, YJ Stinger Chuck Jericho, Ricky Flare, Zack `Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan, Shawn McMichaels, Tazzzz, Mitchell Cole, World's Nicest Man Mick Henry, Good Old JR Ewing, Jerry Lawyer, Stacy Keebler, Shane O Max, T.D. Long, Legend Killer Randy Poffo, Rodney Max, Jack Cena, Mark Cade and Garrison Jindrak, Coach Johnathan Goodman, Al Shaw, Tritch Stratus, Vance Storm, The Returning Leeta, Gay Kim, Molly Hardy, Jaz, Goal Dust, Ebony and Ivory, Queen Victoria and Ultimate Dragon.

I'd probably also add Chavita Guerrera, Full Bodied Italians, Hurricane Helmsley, Super Rosie, The Bash 'Em Brothers, Ricola, The Acolytes' Protection Association, Mark Hardy Version 1.5, Shannen More, Orlando Jackson, Christopher Lewisnki, Rikishi Phatu, Torrie Watson, Billy The Kid Sized Man, Don Marie, Sabel, Nerdia, Shaquaneequa, Takajiri, Lord William Regal, The World's Best Goddam Tag Team and Stuart Stone. Thanks for the compliment!!!

That's about it for this week. Be sure to email me SMART questions to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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