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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Just When You Thought You Knew the
Answers... Bulldog Changes the Features! 

December 11, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Whadda fuck is up widdat?" 
    -- Hurricane Helmsley, numerous occasions

Welcome, one and all, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we have tons to get to this week. But first, a quick trivia question:

Whom, of any of the following, are related?

(a) Vince MacMahon
(b) Lydia MacMahon
(c) Shane "O Max" MacMahon
(d) Stephoney MacMahon
(e) Vince MacMahon's dead father

Answer at the end of this column!!!

We start this EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED column reporting yet another wrestling death this year.

Sure, he wasn't exactly a household name in the business, but he gave his heart and soul into every match he had. You can't put a price on that, folks.

It was too soon. WAY too soon. How many must die before the higher ups in this industry realize something has to be done?

According to unconfirmed reports, WWE Federtainment Corp. has opted not to renew the contract of Goal Dust when it expires next year. You have to feel bad for Goal Dust, known in real life as Dustin Diamond. First, he's forced to wear that lame 8-ball jacket in the old WCW, then Vince MacMahon forces him to turn gay, then he gets electrocuted in real-life by Revolution and contracts tourniquet's syndrome. And now this!!! Hopefully, this decision will be best for everyone involved.

We are just three weeks away from arguably the best pay-per-view event in recent memory -- Our Mageddon!!! With that in mind, it's time for an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what wrestling insiders call `The Grand Daddy Of Them All':

  • WWE World Raw Title Match - Goldenberg vs. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain vs. Triple HHH (Three Way Dance): They've skirted the issue for months, but now we'll finally see 'Da Man' and 'The Criminal Assassin' locking horns -- and on PPV no less!!! Throw Kain into the mix, and you have the makings of the best match EVER. This one has 'give and take scientific classic' written all over it!!!
     
  • Intercontinentalballisticmissile Title Match - Rod Van-Damme vs. Randy 'Macho Man' Orton (Loser Must Retire): This is a tough one to predict. On one hand, you've got the fourth-generation superstar who has been named `The Legend Killer' as of late because of wins over General Slaughter and Jimminy 'Superfreak' Snuka. On the other hand, you have the always unpredictable and stoned RDV hungry for the big gold belt. On the other hand, you have Ricky Flare and the rest of Revolution ready to even things up at any time.
     
  • Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels vs. Deacon Batista (Special Challenge Match): This will all come down to who's hungrier, who's more ready to handle the challenge, and frankly, who's got more to prove.
     
  • Sucker T vs. Homosexual Mark Chocolate (Mississauga, Ontario Street Fight): This will all come down to who's hungrier, who's more ready to handle the challenge, and frankly, who's got more to prove.
     
  • WWE World RAW Tag Team Titles - Dudley Brotherz vs. Los Resistance vs. Garrison Jindrak and Mark Cade vs. Scotty Too Steiner and The Test vs. Lance 'n' Vance (the new team of Lance Storm and Vance Venus) vs. The Rock Em Sock Em Connection (Mike Foley and Rocky Maivia) vs. Al Sno and Coach John Goodman vs. Hurricane Helmsley and Super Rosie vs. Booker Tee and Goal Dust vs. The UnAmericans vs. Lance Storm and Chief Morally vs. The Bash 'Em Brothers vs. La Guerreras vs. The World's Best Goddam Tag Team vs. Scotty The Hotty and Rikishi Phatu and Your Mother Too vs. The Full Bodied Italians vs. Spanky and That Other Jobber vs. The Acquelytes Protection Alliance vs. Those Two Korean Guys vs. Strike Force (Tag Team Trouble Match): This will all come down to who's hungrier, who's more rea… er, I mean, probably Strike Force.
     
  • Eric Bischov's Battle Of The Sexists -- Tritch Stratus and The Returning Leeta vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho and Christian Cage: What a total waste of time this is. Everyone knows that Tritch and Leeta are Girl's Wrestlers, and shouldn't be bothering this pair of gorgeous Canadians. Probably match of the night. - Matt Hardee Version 1.2 vs. Mayvin: Probably won't happen.

Could the one and only Hulk Hollywood Hogan be in talks to return at this year's Wrestle Mania? No.

Nathan 'Don't Call Me Howard' Jones apparently up and quit while the Smack! Down crew was on tour of his hometown of Australia. That's a shame. Not too many had the potential - or natural ability - to go as far as this youngster did.

We here at ITR (me and my typewriter) have decided to try a couple of Exciting New Features this week in lieu of my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview (HUGE caller ID problem on this end; don't ask).

This first one is a forum where, YOU, the reader, can get your say in what insiders call easily the most internationally-respected wrestling column of all time. You guessed it -- Inside The Ropes!!!

The feature is called `The Great Debate' and we welcome YOU, the reader, to submit your position on an important debate in the squared circle and I, Canadian Bulldog, will argue the opposite point. So here is this week's installment of 'The Great Debate':

Mick Foley Is Doing A Good Job So Far As RAW Co-GM
Submitted by completelyfakealias@yahoo.com

There's been a change on Raw recently, and you can feel it. Mick Foley has taken charge of the flagship wrestling show, and slowly, but surely, the ratings are starting to climb.

A long-time staple of the famed Monday Night Wars, Mick knows what it takes to get an audience reaction. It could be something as simple as the look in his eyes, or the cheap pop comments he makes to get a belly laugh. Still, when Mick talks, people listen.

That power comes from the accomplishments this man has had in his storied career, and the heart he's used to pull it off. Hell In A Cell. The Japanese Death Match. His days as WWF Commissioner. They're all brilliant masterpieces, and I daresay, they were because of one Mick Foley.

Must-see television is what Monday Night Raw needs, and finally, Mick Foley is bringing it back to the masses.

Mike Foley Is NOT Doing A Good Job So Far AS RAW Co-GM
By Canadian Bulldog

What are you, an idiot?

I mean, what are you talking about, completelyfakealias, if indeed that is your real name? You can't even spell `Mike' right. How am I supposed to take your opinions seriously?

You'd be best to just pay attention to what I say. After all, there's a reason one of us has a well-known wrestling column, and one of us doesn't.

If you have an argument you'd like to submit to 'Point/Counterpoint' (formerly known as 'The Great Debate'), and it's not a stupid one like this losers' was, please send it care of Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com

Here's the second Exciting New Feature. In the grand tradition of PWI, Wrestling Eye and The WCW Top Ten, yours truly has decided to institute the 'Official ITR Rankings' starting this week. Here they are, in no particular order:

WWE ERIC BISCHOV'S MONDAY NIGHT RAW IS WAR
Champion - Triple HHH

1. Goldenberg
2. Rocky Maivia
3. Rod Van-Damme
4. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
5. Super Rosie
6. World's Nicest Man Mike Henry
7. Molly Hardy
8. Scotty Too Steiner/The Test (tie)
9. Goal Dust
10. The Undertaker

WWE SMACK! DOWN SHUT YER TRAP
Champion - Brock Lesnor

1. Big Evil The Under Taker
2. a Train
3. Ray Mysterio Senior
4. Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah
5. Mike Morgan
6. UnderTaker
7. Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan
8. Bob 'Hardwood' Holly
9. That Guy
10. Bad Boss Man

TAG TEAMS

1. World's Greatest Goddam Tag Team (Charlie Horse/Sheldon Benjamin)
2. World's Second Greatest Tag Team (Garrison Jindrak/Mark Cade)
3. World's Third Greatest Tag Team (The Bash 'Em Brothers)
4. Dudley Brotherz (Big Bubba Ray, D-Lo, Spike TV)
5. Booker Tee and Kain
6. La Guerreras (Eddy and Chavita)
7. Los Resistance (Robbie Dupree and Frenchie Martin)
8. The Power Twins (Test and Steiner)
9. Under Taker

Finally, let's open it up to a little Q & A, shall we? As always, feel free to submit your questions to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail. $1.99 for the first minute, $3 for each additional minute. Long-distance charges may apply. Kids, get your parent's permission first.

Q: What can you tell me about newcomer Matt Morgan?
A: Absolutely nothing. Thanks for the compliment.

Q: Bulldog, I was wondering if you could suggest a wrestling book for me to read. I've never bought any of them before, and was wondering which ones get your highest recommendation?
A: Although there are easily six or seven available on the market these days, only two get The Notorious D.O.G.'s stamp of approval. The first one is 'If You Only Knew What I'm Gonna Do To You, You'd Be Running Out Of Here As Fast As Two Feet Could Carry You' by China. Secondly, I'd recommend 'I'm An Old Hag', the story of Marvelous Moolah Larry Ellison. Both are must-reads!!!

What? That's it? No more letters? You folks must be especially stupid this week… Oh well, please sent your questions, letters of extreme compliment, suggestions, oh.. and 'point/counterpoint' debates care of Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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