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INSIDE THE ROPES    
2003... It was MURDER!  (Part One) 

December 26, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hooooooooooo!" 
     -- The God Father, 2000.

Hello, everyone. Canadian Bulldog here, wishing everyone a happy holiday season. So I got to thinking as I waited up for Santa on Wednesday night - what kind of wrestling column has never been done before? Shortly thereafter, it hit me… Santa wasn't coming to my house this year. Then, it hit me again… of course he wasn't; I'm Jewish! Then, it hit me again… well, my father hit me upside the head for being such a shmendrick.

After all that, I remembered that I was trying to think of a wrestling column that never been done before. Then it hit me… A YEAR-END REVIEW!!! Not only that, but an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED YEAR END REVIEW!!!

So here goes. This pretty much sums up EVERYTHING that happened in the wacky world of pro wrestling for the first six months of 2003. Part two will be up next week.

JANUARY

· Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho accidentally beats Stacey Keebler with a steel chair repeatedly on Raw. It was a surefire sign that Stacy and The Test were about to split.

· WWE puts on a special celebration to commemorate the tenth anniversary of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, and they don't disappoint. Tons of surprises and special guests galore set the stage for one of the most dazzling evenings in wrestling - or boxing - history.

· Who among us didn't shed a tear or two during the lavish wedding of Al Watson and Don Marie? If ever there was proof that two young people were in love, it was during this romantic commitment ceremony, which ended on a down note when Don murdered Al.

· Randy Macho Man Orton injures his arm and starts updating fans of his weekly progress on RTV. He then starts wearing a cast, dons a cowboy hat and begins acting as a bodyguard for Rod Roddy Piper.

· Speaking of Piper, the world was shocked and delighted when Scotty Too Steiner challenged Triple HHH for the Raw World Title. A series of thrilling super posedowns and benchpress contests led to Steiner carrying HHHHHHHHH to a ***** match at the Regal Rumble.

· The Retired Nathan Johns debuts as a rehabilitated former murderer, kicking off a breakout year for the young Brit.

· Happy Birthday to "Mouth In The South" Jim Hart, Bob "Hardwood" Holly, Millionaire Man Teddy Biase, singing legend Frankie Sinatra Junior, and Night Court's Richard Mole.

FEBRUARY

· Triple HHH forms Revolution, easily the best faction EVER in wrestling. To prove that they aren't just a ripoff of the Fore Hosemen, they trick Stinger into joining them, and then turn on him.

· To prepare for his match with Best Show, Big Evil The Under Taker receives several boxes. The first one contains Brian Hendricks; the second one has Canyon dressed up as Michael Jackson; the third and fourth ones contain Cactus Jack Manson and Abdullah The Baker; the fifth one contains some books he ordered from amazon.com (that wasn't part of the storyline per se); the sixth one was a puppy dog that helps Best Show sneak attack him.

· In a shocking development, Vince MacMahon fires Eric Bischov because the storylines suck. So Bischov goes to Texas to find Stoned Cold Steve Austin in a bar, but ends up at The Friendly Tap by accident, where he's assaulted by The Acqueltyes Protection Association, or AAA.

· Kur Tangle suffers a torn neck injury, and never returns to the ring again.

· Kurt Henning, best known to fans as Sir Perfect, is murdered in a Tampa, Florida hotel, probably by Jim Hart's XWF wrestlers.

· Manager T.D. Long fires D-Von Brown and scores a coup by hiring Rodney Max, formerly known as B2 on Smack! Down. Max goes undefeated in all of his special 'Play That Funky Music, White Boy' challenges.

· Rocky Maivia and Hal Kogan quit Hollywood and return to the business, competing in a match of the year candidate at No Way! Out.

· Happy birthday to Best Show, Ken Shamrock Shake, Ming, Men On The Mission's Mabelle/Visceria, The Hulk Hogan Family's Sandie Duncan and Pearl Jam's Curt Cobayne.

MARCH

· Wrestle Mania X-19 set new records for attendance, PPV buyrates and razzle-dazzle with a power-packed card (as Billy Red Lyons used to say). Here are the results: Hal Kogan pinned Vince MacMahon in a Chicago streetfight; Triple HHH got the better of Sucker T in a close contest; The Miller Cat Girls defeated Tori and Stacy Keebler; and various other matches happened.

· Speaking of Ray Mystereo, The Test admitted to Stacy Keebler that he may have accidentally flirted with, touched, groped and slept with numerous women during the Girls Running Wild PPV spectacular. It was a surefire sign that they were about to split.

· Heartbeat Kid Sean McMichaels lives out his boyhood dream by refusing to job to Y J Stinger at Wrestle Mania. The bout ends with one of those classic 'Wrestle Mania Moments' you hear Jim Roth always talking about: the two foes end up in a friendly embrace.

· Tori Watson mourns her father's death by posing in Playgirl Magazine, making it officially the sexiest edition of the magazine since China posed in the buff (not Bagwell).

· Brock Lesnor becomes the first-ever Undisputed World Champion, defeating My Olympic Hero by missing with his patented Shoot Star Press.

· Happy birthday to The Man Called Stink, Under Taker, Val "Chief Venis" Morley, Tezt, Rosey O' Donald and Mr. James Bond himself, Timothy Dalltonne.

APRIL

· Elizabeth Hewlett, known to the world as Elizabeth Hewlett, dies after she is murdered by Lex Larry Lugar in Cobb County, Georgia. Bad Boss Man makes the arrest and tells Lugar that he'll "be servin' hard time, punk!!!" Lugar admits his wrongdoing during three different episodes of WWE High School Confidential. Elizabeth was once the wife and mother of Randy Mucho Man Sewage, who himself is related to The Real Genius Larry Poffo who once worked in a film with… Kevin Bacon. There! I did it!!

· Lots of people make their WWE debuts this month, including Bill Goldenberg, Duane Gilldenberg, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Rod Roddy Piper and Jimminy Superfreak Snuka, but none were more anticipated that the return of Sabel The Wild Cat, who was no longer with her husband Mike Mero because she murdered him.

· A bunch of shit happened in NWA T and A.

· Jazzy returns to the ring, now under the tutelage of T.D. Long and it doesn't take people that long to realize, as she puts it, "The Beast Is Back!"

· Happy birthday to Goal Dust, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, his stepfather Paul Burier, Roddy Roddy, Simon Diamond Page, Who's The Boss regular Tony Danzza and Elizabeth (the Queen, that is, not the manager who was murdered).

MAY

· Co-Commissioners Eric Bischov and Stoned Cold decide to ressurrec resserek bring back the International Title. It's won by The Christian in a thrilling 8-man battle royale, who dedicates the win to all of his 'Popes'.

· At exactly the same time Hal Kogan was fired by Vince MacMahon, a newcomer by the name of Captain America was signed by Stephoney MacMahon. They.. wait a second…

Same height, same weight, same python size, same moves and voice… Oy vey!!! HAL KOGAN AND MISTER AMERICAN WERE THE SAME GUY!!!

I can't believe that all of us for fell for that, when in retrospect, it was so obvious!!! I guess the lie detector test threw ME off, personally, but the rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves for not putting two and three together and realizing they were the same guy!!! Oh well…

· Chavita Guerrera went "on the shelf", and so Eddy Guerrera needed to find a partner immediately. He chose Takajiri and the two upset The World's Best Goddam Tag Team for the gold. Team Japexico, as they were now known, would go on to enjoy a lengthy title reign, until Eddy turned on his partner a couple of weeks later.

· Move over, Charlie Horse and Sheldon Benjamin. There's a new World's Best Tag Team on the horizon, and it's Sylvain Grenouille and Robbie Dupree, better known to the world as El Resistance. They quickly plough through such experienced teams as Scotty Too Steiner and The Test.

· The world marvels at the debut of Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan, the world's first one-armed wrestler. He shows up in Mr. American's corner, and instantly becomes the hottest, most lovable babyface on the roster.

· Happy birthday to Roaddog Jamie James, Headsmasher Mush, Sucker T, William Royal, singer Sir Engelbert Humperdinck and ex-Spice Girl David 'Posh' Beckham.

JUNE

· Ricky Flare turns face for the first time EVER, siding against life partner Triple HHH in a feud with The Heartburn Kid. Experts say it was really a "shoot" because he was sick of HHHHHHHHH holding younger wrestlers down. Then the next week, Flare re-joins the leader of Revolution in a "work" because he wants to break the glass ceiling.

· Longtime manager and former Ayatollah Classy "Freddie" Blassie dies at the age of 89, after being murdered by The Dudley Brotherz when they rescued him from The Three Man Warning and then put him through a table.

· The first ever Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw-exclusive PPV, Black Blood, is both a commercial and critical success, topped off by Mick Farley vs. Big Sex Killer vs. Triple HHH in a Hell From The Cell Match. Also on the card, Stoned Cold defeats Eric Bischov in a special Redneck Challenge that provided many laughs for months to come.

· Nothing much happened on Smack! Down.

· Scotty Too Steiner and The Test fought over the "services" of Stacy Keebler, if ya catch my drift (I mean sex!!!). It was a surefire sign that they were about to split.

· Announcer Coach Johnathan Goodman was doing a kick-butt job filling in for Good Ol' JR Ewing on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, while JR was fired or suspended or burnt to a crisp or somesuch.

· Both Rod Roddy Piper and Hal Kogan were fired from WWE Entertainment Limited after saying nasty things about Vince MacMahon on a PBS special. Damn… I still can't believe I didn't catch on to the Mister American ruse. Or was it really Piper?

· Happy birthday to Mick Farley, convicted murderer Lex Larry Lugar, The Allllllllllltimate Warrior, Dan 'The Bitch' Severn, Family Ties star Scott "The Hammer" Valentine, and Academy Award Winner Tom Ah-nold.

What? We're at June already? Okay, so tune in next week, same Bulldog time, same Bulldog channel, for the first installment of my year in review. Until then, remember: If you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

P.S. Don't spend all your Chanukah Gelt in one place. Trust me on this one!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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