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Straight to the Top Dog! 

January 15, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"Somebody Call My Mommy!" 
     -- Ernest 'The Kat' Carter

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the columnist so popular they named a fan club after me. We've got tons to get to this week (actually, most of it is filler, but work with me here), so let's get right to it. But first, a quick trivia question:

Who was solely responsible for the downfall of WCW?
(a) Billy Gun
(b) The Dudley Brotherz
(c) Stuart Stone
(d) Iran Shiek
(e) That Guy Who Wore Those Shoes

Answer at the end of the column!!!

An open letter to Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash:

Say it ain't so, Kev! Say it ain't so!!!

I know you read the Internet and columns like mine religiously, so I'm sure this will reach you. I just heard from a reliable source that you're hanging up the boots. Say it ain't so!!!

I have to ask why. You have your entire career ahead of you and you were just starting to gain momentum. For that period in between your quad injury and your neck injury (the first neck injury, that is), you were unstoppable. Say it ain't so!!!

Apparently, you're going to Hollywood to recreate the success you had playing a Ninja Turtle. Sure, that's a lofty goal, and there's no question that with your work ethic, you could be the next Billy Blanks. But why, Kevin, why? Say it ain't so!!!

Maybe, after a while away from the spotlight, you'll reconsider. You'll remember what it was like to have hundreds of thousands of fans chanting your name. You'll want to relive the glory of the crowd roaring every time you hit both of your moves. Say it ain't so!!!

It's not too late to change your mind, Mr. Nash. You're still in peak condition and could headline any PPV you wanted.

SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And onto the news we go…

Rumor has it that WWF divas Tori Watson and Sabel The Wild Cat will appear in the March issue of Penthouse Magazine. That's all well and good, but will happen when Vince MacMcMahon finds out that two of his former mistresses are doing this? What kind of moral scandal will that create?

The Les Guerreros Explode!!! I'm not sure what got into Eddy and Chavita Guerrera last week on Smack! Down, but the brothers have decided to amicably go their separate ways. Not sure which one of them will get to keep the low-riser.

The big question on everyone's minds these days is whether Bill Goldenberg will stay with WWE Ltd. following Wrestle Mania XXX. Sources say he will either sign a new contract or he won't.

As you may already know unless you're an idiot, the WWE has come out with several DVD releases lately, including Mick Farley: Lots of Recycled Shit, Rick Flare: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! and How WWF Won The Monday Night Wars and WCW Lost Because They're A Bunch Of Stupid Crybaby Jerkheads. However, my top source totalbs@hotmail.com has revealed a whole bunch of new DVD's coming out NEXT WEEK. Here they are:

  • The Ultimate Kevin Nash Collection
  • WWE Divas Wear Underwear And Such
  • WWE Divas In Underwear Getting Chased Around By Kevin Nash
  • Best Of Rhyno vs. Bradshaw
  • Raw 10th Anniversary, Widescreen Edition
  • Raw 10th Anniversary, The Criterion Collection
  • UWF Best of David Sammartino (FINALLY I can throw out my VHS version)
  • The PPV Where Owen Died: Screw You, Bret!
  • From The Vault: Homosexual Mark Chocolate's Greatest Matches
  • WCW's Dumbest Moments Because They're Losers, Volume One

Which former WWF champion has been talking `comeback' lately, with revenge of a former tag team partner on his mind? I'm not sure, but if you have any ideas, drop me a line at Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com

Why are there so many twins in wrestling? Not only do we have tag team championship kingpins The Bash 'Em Brothers, but there were also The Harris Boyz, Jakob and Ely Blue, DOA (Dead or Alive) and Shawn and Ian Mooney before them. Must be something in the water…

Recently, I had the chance to chat online with WWE Entertainment Limited Corporation Incorporated Associated Plc head honcho Vince MacMahon.

Actually, that's not entirely true. I was unable to get past his secretary Eliza. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript of my conversation with the number two executive at the company:

E: Hello, I am Eliza.
CB: Hello, Eliza. I'm looking to speak with Mister MacMahon.
E: How long have you been looking to speak with Mister MacMahon?
CB: A looooong time. Don't get me started...
E: I see.
CB: So... uh, is he there?
E: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
CB: I want to speak to your boss.
E: Suppose you got to speak to my boss?
CB: That would be great!
E: Can you elaborate on that?
CB: Uh… can you?
E: Perhaps you don't want to talk to my boss.
CB: I *don't* want to talk to him?
E: Can you elaborate on that?
CB: I'm not sure...
E: Do you enjoy being not sure?
CB: Look - let's get back on topic here.
E: Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.
CB: I need to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Vinnie Max!
E: Can you elaborate on that?
CB: I don't have time!
E: Don't you really have time?
CB: Okay... you got me. I'm just trying to hurry this along a bit.
E: Did you come to me because you are just trying to hurry this along a bit?
E: Tell me more.
CB: Okay, can I at least ask YOU a few questions?
E: Do you want to be able to at least ask me a few questions?
CB: Thanks for the compliment. Question number one: Is Vince all grouchy because of steroids, or was he always that way?
E: Can you think of a specific example?
CB: Sure. That time he yelled at Mick Farley for no reason.
E: Why no reason?
CB: I forget. That was, like, 5 years ago...
E: Can you elaborate on that?
CB: NO!!! Question number two: Is his wife Lydia a complete idiot? How else does she not know about all his affairs with Sabel The Wild Cat, etc.?
E: What is it that you really want to know?
CB: Are YOU the one protecting his sorry ass?
E: Would you prefer if I were not the one protecting his sorry ass?
CB: Obviously! Let Pat Peterson or someone do Vince's dirty work...
E: Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.
CB: Question number three: What was the feeling around the office when one day he showed up as The Highest Power?
E: Does that question interest you?
CB: It would interest any student of the game.
E: That is quite interesting.
CB: Yeah, I figured. Question number four: Who came up with the idea for Wrestel Mania? You or him?
CB: Sorry
E: Don't be so defensive!
CB: Fuck off
E: OK... "Yeah, you figured. Question number four: Who came up with the idea for Wrestel Mania? me or him". Tell me more.
CB: So you're saying it was all YOUR idea?
E: What makes you think I am saying it was all my idea?
CB: Because you... I.... I thought....
E: Oh... you.... you thought?
CB: Okay, lesson learned. Never assume anything. Question number five: Where is the real power in the MacMcMacMahon family?
E: Why do you ask?
CB: Because people are saying that Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon-Test-Helmsley-HHH hold all the power, and put the other wrestlers under a glass ceiling.
E: That is quite interesting.
CB: Scott Keeth certainly thinks so.
E: Say, do you have any psychological problems?
CB: We are talking about YOU!
E: We were discussing you, not me.
CB: Sorry.
E: What feelings do you have when you apologise?
CB: Hatred for my mother. Oh, mom, why didn't you just let me buy that Boba Fett action figure? WHY DID YOU TORTURE ME SO???
E: We were discussing you, not me.
CB: I've had just about enough of this.
E: I see.
CB: Last question: What does `WBF' stand for?
E: What do you think?
CB: Wide Bodied Female?
E: What does that suggest to you?

If you know of anyone that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  Hey, while we're doling out cheap plugs, be sure visit my website at http://inside_the_ropes.tripod.com. It's full of some of my greatest columns, cartoons and helpful carpet cleaning tips. And why haven't any of you lazy asses donated to Rick Scherer's 'Help Keep Oldline Onslut Free' campaign? You're telling me you don't have a few dollars to cough up? For shame!!!

Finally, let's open up things to a little Q & A, which is industry-speak for Questions and Answers. Please send me questions to Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com

Q: Do you think you can be serious for a minute and tell me who will win the Royal Rumble?
A: I'm always serious! Unless… this is some kind of puzzle. Hmmm… Serious for a minute? Isn't that Vance Storm's patented catchphrase? So you're saying you think Storm will win… or are you? Perhaps you're suggesting that his life partner Val Venus is ready for a shot at the gold? Or perhaps his longtime associate The Goldfather? Or… if I'm supposed to be thinking "outside the box" here, one of The Goldfather's Hose? Hmmm… and Queen Victoria was a former Hooooo. And who does she manage? Stephen Richards. So 'Big Stevie' will win it all!!! I get it. Thanks for the tip.

Q: Have you been hearing rumors that The Undertaker will hang it up after WrestleMania?
A: Hang what up?

Q: Who holds the record for the most Intercontinental title reigns?
A: I don't know. Thanks for the compliment.

Q: Bulldog, you are the best. Where should I invest my money?
A: Might I suggest a tax-sheltered savings account? The yearly maximum you can set aside on a pre-tax basis into your 403(b) is $13,000 or up to 100% of compensation (if less than $13,000) for 2004 and increases incrementally each year until 2006 when the maximum will be $15,000 annually.

Certain "catch-up" provisions allow extra amounts to be contributed for those over age 50 at any time in 2004. An additional $3000 can be contributed making the maximum contribution $16,000 annually. Under the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act (EGTRRA)of 2001, the maximum yearly contribution increases on an established schedule each year. When there is an increase in the allowable maximum you will need to complete a new authorization form to change your deduction to the new maximum if your current percentage does not meet the maximum. You will need to complete the authorization for the catch-up provision each year.

Q: How does it make you feel to "please send you questions to Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com"? 
A: Awww, Eliza. Not you again. Leave me alone. Don't make me get my lawyers involved!!!
Q: Thanks for the compliment.

That about does it for me. I'll be back next week with the usual collection of scintillating discussion about grown men who roll around in their underwear. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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