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OOld Sch... I Mean, Retro Ra....  Ummm:
"Column What's Been Published Before"

February 5, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


(Note to webmaster Rick Scherer: Believe it or not, I'm writing this from a hospital bed!!! Due to a severe case of shock caused by seeing Janice Jackson's unplanned nudity at Superball Sunday, I've been told by doctors not to write my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED column.

But have no fear - I'm not going to "pull a Lund" and leave you with nothing. Instead, I'm sending you an old Inside The Ropes from 1998. This era signified a simpler time in wrestling: storylines weren't as innovative; Stoned Cold Steve Austen wasn't yet a wife-beating drunk; and 1wrestling.com was still owned by Bob Rider. So sit back and enjoy this special Retro ITR!!! Oh, and if you could ring the nurse for me, I'm kind of running out of oxygen again…)

Why WCW Has Already Won The 
'Monday' Night Wars and 
Vince MacMahon Should Just Give Up

Originally published August 9, 1998

"Primpin' Ain't Easy" 
              -- The Goldfather

Hello, everyone, welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the site that makes wcw.com and wrestlemaniacs green with envy. I'm Canadian Bulldog and we have tons to get to this week. But first, a quick trivia question:

What's the REAL story behind 'The Montreal Snowjob'?

(a) Brad Hurt screwed Brad Hurt
(b) Vince MacMahon screwed Brad Hurt
(c) Vince MacMahon screwed Vince MacMahon, and then Brad Hurt.
(d) The fans screwed Brad Hurt
(e) All of the above.

Answer at the end of this column!!!

An open letter to Mean Jean,

Jean, it's Canadian Bulldog here. You probably know me best as That Guy Who Keeps Calling Your Hotline Every Other Day. I have a question for you: which former WWF star is coming to WCW? You keep giving us hints about it on TV, but never give out a name. If this keeps up, I may have to start calling 1-900-909-9900 only once a month.

Anyways, that's not what I'm writing you for. I understand you are the guy who chooses the winning Nitro Party every week. Why do I keep getting overlooked? Is it because Canada doesn't air Nitro on Monday nights? Or is it because no one ever shows up to my place to watch it? I demand answers!!!

In any event, I hope you reconsider and send your camera crew to my place next time. We have signs here for every major WCW superstar. Even Mike Enus.

Peace out, 

And now onto the news…

WCW Commissioner Eric Bischov is at it again! Last month, he signed basketball superstars Dennis Radman and 'Mailman' Sam Malone to contracts, and now it's talk-show legend Jason Leno!!! It turns out that the host of 'Late Night' will team with DPP to take on Hulk Hollywood Hogan and Bischov at the main event of their Road Trip PPV. This has all the makings of being a classic, from where I sit.

Which hardcore wrestling group has the most extreme action today? That's right - Eastern Championship Wrestling!!! Boasting a lineup that includes Marky Whipwreck, Blow Meanie and dozens of other people I've never actually seen in action, this is one promotion to keep an eye on. ECCW owner Paul Herman pays his grapplers top dollar to put their bodies on the line, and you can take that to the BANK!!!

Because we don't get ECCW PPV's yet in Canada, my top source totalbs@prodigy.net was gracious enough to supply me with the latest results. So here, without further ado, is what went down at 'Summer Break Slaughter 98':

  • · The Pitbulls (Pitbull Number Two And The One Who Isn't Dead Yet) went to a no-contest with Public Enema (Playboy Rocky Rock and Jerry Grunge) when New Jack City shot them all with a machine gun.
  • Then, in an impromptu match, New Jack City went to a no-contest with Supernova and Takajiri and Supper Crazy when Rhinocerous interfered.
  • Rhinocerous went to a no-contest with `The Whole Fucking Show' Rod Van-Damme (with manager The Fonz) when Saboo fell through 17 tables. Then, Sand Man ran to the ring, drank a keg of beer, then passed out.
  • The Dudley Brotherz entered the ring next, and challenged any other pair of Dudleys in the audience to face them. So then D-Lo Dudley and Barbara Ray Dudley fought Hawk Dudley and Animal Dudley to a no-contest. So then, Amish Roadkill Dudley and Danny Doring Dudley made it a three-way-dance until they were joined by… the shocking combination of Spike TV Dudley and Balls Maloney!!! Then it went to a no-contest.
  • Johnny Dreamer and Rayvin went to a no-contest in their 'Loser Must Die' match in which the loser is the first wrestler to be killed. They were then both sneak-attacked by Justin Incredible and Lanny Storm, which turned into the next match.
  • Justin Incredible went to a no-contest with Lanny Storm when Don Marie ran into the ring and gave them both sex!!!
  • Then commentator Jerry Styles yelled into the microphone 'Oh.. My… Goodness!'. And then he said something else, but I don't know what, because I don't subscribe to his premium edition.
  • Just then, Styles is attacked by That Fat Guy With The Neckbrace and he, in turn, is attacked by 'The Franchisor' Shawn Douglas who yells into the microphone that ECCW is better than WCW and WWF combined!!! Then Styles and Dave Scherer get on the microphone and say the same thing, ending the show.

All I can say is… wow. That sounds like the best show EVER. Here's hoping the Pittsburgh-based minor league company eventually gets their own show on The Country Music Channel.

According to the crack staff at Scoops Central, Jeff 'Buffed' Bagwell is almost ready to return to action, after suffering a torn neck last year. Here's hoping he can put past him the troubles brewing between the NwO and continue on with his hall-of-fame-bound career. And hey, let's all hope the appearance of his Hot Mother wasn't just a one-time thing.

This just in: WWF sucks.

My Internet beef of the week: That guy who writes The Rick Says ought to name his column The Jerk Says because the guy NEVER ANSWERS MY QUESTIONS. One day, I swear, I'm going to end up working for you, and then you'll be sorry!!!

Am I the only one having trouble differentiating between all the offshoots of the Brave New World Order? First, you've got NwO Hollywood, led by Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash; then there's NwO Woolpack, featuring The Man They Called Sting and Conan; and now there's this NwO Black n White, starring Virgil, Scott Norton Utilities and Brain Adams. You know what would be a great idea? An All-NwO paper-view. THAT would be something worth watching!!!

In his latest Roth Report, Good Old JR Ewing said the WWE is searching high and low for new additions to its Little Heavyweight division. Well, folks, I believed Roth the first 74 times he said it, but enough is enough. I can never picture guys like Ray Mystereo Junior, The Alllllllltimate Dragon and Billy The Kid-Sized Man make it to the big-leagues. Coming soon, my Oklahoma ass!

Wait… WWE? Sorry, must have been a typo. What was THAT all about?

This week's past Monday Night Ro was the greatest night ever in the history of professional wrestling, according to Tony Schauvontey.

Reason # 650 why WWF sucks: Vince MacMahon has a whole family at his disposal that he could incorporate into his 'action/adventure series', and what does he do with them? Nothing. What the hell? I think I can speak for every wrestling fan today when I say that's one sure way to turn the ratings around.

Who else out there is tired of the stale antics of that group of NwO ripoffs Degenerated X? Their crude gimmicks weren't funny back when they invaded Monday Night Ro and begged Bischov for their jobs back, and they still aren't funny now. Note to Hunter Harry Helmsley, Ex-Pack, Roaddog Jamie James and Big Ass Barry Gun: I've just got two words for ya -- GET A LIFE!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down with WCW Legend Brad 'The Hatman' Heart. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript.

CB: Hi, is this Brad The Hatman Heart?
BH: (muffled) This is Bret The Hitman Hart, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
CB: Close enough. Question number one: What REALLY happened between you and Vince MacMahon? Was it a `work' or was it just `staged'?
BH: (muffled) This is Bret The Hitman Hart, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
CB: True enough. Do you think you'll over go back to the WWF again?
BH: (muffled) You smashed my leg!
CB: Oh… sorry about that. What if MacMahon asked you nicely to come back?
BH: (muffled) I'll smash you with my right arm!
CB: Geez!!! Let's just calm down for a minute…
BH: (muffled) This is Bret The Hitman Hart, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
CB: That's more like it. Question number two: Who was the best brother you ever had: Davey B. Smith or Oren Heart? BH: (muffled) Ow! You smashed me in the face!
CB: I know it must be hard to decide. Question number three: Did you ever…
BH: (muffled) You can't beat the excellence of execution.
CB: I'm not even trying to!
BH: (muffled) This is Bret The Hitman Hart, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.
CB: This interview is OVER!!!
BH: (muffled) Thanks for the compliment.

If there's somebody you're dying for me to interview, look me up on excite.com.

Finally, let's open things up to a little Q & A, shall we?

Q: Who do you think will be the biggest star going forward: The Rock, Triple H or Val Venis?
A: I think it's pretty obvious that the character of The Big Vablowski has limitless potential, whereas the other two you mention are best off staying in their little factions.

Q: Don't you think that Bischoff has been getting too cocky lately?
A: Hell no! You're talking about a guy who created stars like Steve Austen, Mick Farley and countless others before the WWF stole them away. Now, the guy is on top of the world and he deserves everything he's getting. Just as sure as technology stocks will keep on surging, you better believe Eric Bischov will be the man in charge for a long time.

Q: How long do you think Goldberg's streak can last?
A: This week, his record officially became 433-0. Not bad for a guy who's just been around two months. But I've got to think that Big Sex Killer will eventually 'get the book', force Goldenberg to drop the title to him, and then the 'Da Man' will eventually injure himself by smashing his hands through a limousine window, and then sit out for the balance of his contract. If he ever shows up in the WWE, it will only be for about a year, before he loses to Brock Lesnor at Wrestle Mania XXX in New York City on March 14, 2004. But not before jobbing to Triple HHH, who will marry the boss's daughter and then bury everyone else on the card.

Of course, that's all just speculation on my part.

Dammit… I did it again. WWF!!! I can't get seem to get the F out.

Q: Uncle Bulldog… it's your nephew Timmy. How come you just called our house and had a conversation with my Bret Hart doll?
A: Thanks for the compliment.

That about does it for this week. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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