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Three Little Words, One Big Exclusive:
Ass Reduction Surgery! 

February 19, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"¡Arriba, arriba, arriba, ándale, ándale¡"
    -- El Mastadon Tito Montana, 1989

Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes, the column read by everyone, even the modern-day Eddie Ellner himself, Chrissy Hyatte. I'm Canadian Bulldog. We've got lots to get to this week, but first, a quick trivia question:

Who were the original members of The Click?

(A) Sean McMichaels, Triple HHH and Deacon Batista
(B) Roadog Jamie James, Ex-Pack, Big Ass Barry Gun and China
(C) Justin Incredible, Ex-Pack and Al Bert
(D) Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Scott 'Last Hall' Call and Eric Bischov
(E) All of the above.

Vote RIGHT NOW for your choice over at the official Official ITR Website. And here are the results of last week's poll, which had an AMAZING response:

Who would win a 'shoot fight'? (149 votes)

(A) Canadian Bulldog - 18 %
(B) Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen - 61 %
(C) All Of The Above - 16 %

Now, onto the news:

Viva La Pasta: At Norway Out, we saw the one and only Latin Heat Eddy Guerrera stop drinking and doing drugs long enough to defeat Brock Lesnor to win the WWE World Undisputed Smack! Down Heavyweight Title. Also, Chavita Guerrera (with Jose Lothario in his corner) defeated Ray Mystereo for the Little Heavyweight Title. WWE officials are so pleased that they're thinking of bringing the entire family: Hector Guerrera is set to win the U.S. championship from The Best Show, while Juventud and Fuerza Guerrera will win the tag straps from Whomever The Champs Are These Days.

This just in!!! Ernest 'The Kat' Carter has agreed to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. While everyone loved his hilarious dancing vignettes, the truth is that he never learned how to work 'WWE Main Event Style'.

Okay, is it just me, or are we all confused about what's going on with The Ordertaker? First, the guy gets buried alive by his father The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain. Now Tazzzzz and everyone are saying that he's coming back for Wrestle Mania XXX - Where Everything Old Is New Again™. Which one is it? Can somebody please make up their freaking mind?

And pardon my French here, but que dans le monde est-il en haut avec The Heartburn Kid these days? First, he joins Degenerated X in 1997… and now this?!? Come on, like we're supposed to believe that he 'accidentally' superkicked Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah and 'accidentally' signed his name on the contract? GROW UP, HKB!!! I thought you were a Born-Again Catholic. What gives?

While the Smack! Down crew were busy putting on their paper-view last weekend, did you know that the boys from Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw were also at work? It's true!!! They had a house show that night, and WE'VE got the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED results, courtesy of my top-secret source, totalbs@hotmail.com:

  • Chris Benwah beat HHHH for the Undisputed WWE Raw title. But because it didn't happen on TV…
  • Homosexual Mark Chocolate, Christopher Lewinski and Rodney Max formed a brand new stable called 'Injuries Inc.'. They defeated The Dudley Brotherz in a tables match.
  • Rocky Maivia and Mick Farley defeated Randy Orson and Cowboy Bob Orson, making his triumphant return to the company!!!
  • Hurricane Helmsley pinned Hulk Hollywood Hogan, who made his triumphant return to the company!!!
  • The team of The Christian, Y J Stinger and Tritch Stratus lost to Kain, and Los Resistance. After the match Jericho and Christian started arguing and Tritch said "can't you two just kiss and make up?". So they did!!! And they started making out in the ring. But because it didn't happen on TV…
  • Brad `Hatman' Hurt beat Sean McMichaels by submission when someone came to ringside and ordered the ref to ring the bell. Can't tell from totalbs's writing who it was… Vance McMoney or someone…?
  • Goldenberg, making his triumphant return to the company, was pinned clean by Coach John Goodman in under 10 seconds.

Wow, thanks for the news, BS. I didn't see this anywhere else, not even on PWInsider.com. And they usually have everything - even an 'Elite' section!!!

This just in!!! Canyon has agreed to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. What happened was that Good Ol' JR Ewing finally saw the Jerry Ventura Story and Lets Get Ready to Rumblllllllllle movies and then he said "Bah Gawd, why have we got this loser on our roster? Bah Gawd!!!"

As part of its Wrestle Mania Weekend™, WWWE will be hosting a special Hall of Fame. Although the names of this year's winners have been placed in hermetically-sealed envelopes, some of my sources are telling me that the entrants this year include:

  • Former WWE Welterweight Champion Jeff Hardee
  • Former WWF Undisputed World and Sumo Champion Yozokuna
  • Kim Chee, the lovable mascot for Kim Allah
  • Critically-acclaimed B-Movie actor Stuart Stone
  • Super Hero For Training Rosie
  • Bo Beverly, one half of The Beverly Hills Brotherz
  • The Haiti Kid… well, at least he made the short list. HA!!! Get it? Short? Short list? Ahh, never mind…

This just in!!! Brian Kendricks, who wrestled under the name Sparky, has agreed to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. What happened was, he got into a backstage brawl with Brock Lesnor because he thought The Next Best Thing stole his toothpaste. It was actually taken by that no-good scheming bastard Noonzio.

If I were Eddy Guerrera, I'd thank my lucky stars that I have a good friend like Kur Tangle watching my back. Just a hunch, but My Olympic Hero will probably give up his title shot at "The Granddaddy Of 'Em All", just because the two are such good friends. Bank on it!!!

This just in!!! Zak 'Don't Call Me Larry' Gowan has agreed to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp., even though we already reported it here last week. Go figure!

Is it possible that a certain former ECW World Champion is in talks with WWE these days? NO!!!

This just in!!! Ed Lesley, who used to play Brutus The Beefcake, has agreed to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. He was recently arrested at a Subway restaurant in Boston, when someone accidentally mistook his stash of anthrax for cocaine.

Recently, I had the chance to speak with WWE Girls Heavyweight Champion 'Mighty' Molly Hardy. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript of our recent and often steamy conversation:

MH: Hello, Molly Maid, how may I help you?
CB: Hi, this is Canadian Bulldog.
MH: Hi, Mr. Bulldog. Are you looking for an estimate on cleaning services?
CB: Uh, maybe later… I believe my assistant called earlier about conducting an interview.
MH: That's news to me.
CB: Excellent! Question number one: Who is better in bed -- Hurricane Helmsley or Spike TV Dudley?
MH: I'm sorry??
CB: Don't be; it's probably hard to decide. Personally, I'd choose Spike, he looks like he'd be 'One Tough Little Bastard' in the sack, if you know what I mean. Hey, you probably do know what I mean!!!
MH: I… I…
CB: Question number two: Isn't it pathetic that no one cares that you're the champion?
MH: Look, I don't know what you're calling about, but I…
CB: Hey, don't get bent out of shape about it, toots. I remember back in the day when they gave the title to Rocket Robin once Marvelous Moolah died or retired, and she went like four years without having a match on TV. So it's not like there's not precedent.
MH: I… think you must have me confused with someone else…
CB: If I had a dime for every time someone told me that. Question number three: How come you used to have a fat ass and now you don't anymore? Was it because you had surgery to make your ass smaller?
CB: Three simple words: PWTorch VIP Member.
MH: (Angry) The clinic said it would be confidential…
CB: They showed footage of your ass-reduction surgery on Confidential?
CB: Wow! So how did it feel having your ass shown on national television?
MH: (Sobbing) I can't believe Dr. Nakamoto did this to me…
CB: There, there. It's not all that bad. I'm sure Mean Jean handled it tastefully.
MH: (Sniffling) I suppose you're right. I just wish they would have told me about it beforehand.
CB: Isn't that always the case?
MH: (Begins crying again)
CB: Question number four: Would you ever pose in Playboy?
MH: (Sniffling) Would I WHAT?
CB: Well, I'm not sure if you've heard the big news, but Tori Watson and Sabel The Wild Cat are now lesbian lovers and they posed together. Now it looks like Stacey Keibler and Jackie Gay are doing the same thing.
MH: I can honestly say I did not know that…
CB: So, as Goldenberg once said: Is Your Ass Next?
MH: Please! Stop with all the questions about my ass… (hangs up).

Wonder what she's so uptight about? If there's anyone out there that you're just DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  No reasonable request refused!!!

Finally, let's open things up to a little Questions and Answers session, shall we?

Q: Hi. My name is Bud Ellock. I am the second cousin, twice removed, brother-in-law's cousin to Dusty Rhodes. I have had my own Wrestling School, and interview spots on OnlineOnslaught and the 411 boards. I was banned from OO years ago, due to people not liking the truth when I spoke it. They were a bunch of idiots anyways (Bulldog's Note: Tell me about it!). The 411 guys have been more senseable to say the least. I would, however, like to make the comeback to the OO because people love BUD-A-MANIA. It is running WILD!
A: Wow… the one and only Goal Dust, asking yours truly to interview him. Readers, what do you think?

Q: What can you tell me about Scotty 2 Hotty?
A: According to his official bio, Scotty "is not only one of the most impressive WWE Superstars to appear on RAW but one of the most popular as well. Scotty stands 6 foot 2 and weighs 255 pounds, but his measurements tell only half of the story. Every inch of his frame is so chiseled that he has often referred to himself as a "genetic freak" because of a physique that includes two of the largest arms in the world. And when you combine his imposing frame with his natural in-ring talent, he is a force in the ring and always a threat to whomever holds the World Heavyweight Championship."

Q: Where do you think the Trish/Jericho/Christian storyline is headed?
A: Thanks for the compliment. I have a funny feeling that The Christian is trying to steal Tritch away from Y J Stinger. I don't know WHY he'd try to do that; after all, these guys are supposed to be best friends and sexy beasts!!! But nonetheless, if Tritch isn't careful, she could end up losing the man she loves!!!

Q: Bulldog, I run an environmental-rights group, and we're trying to get a consensus on what 'Freedom of Association' really means. Can you help?
A: First, and most importantly, a government agency cannot legally compel any group to reveal confidential sources of information it discloses. In the precedent-setting case of the United States v. Garde, 673 F.Supp. 604 (US Dist. Ct. For DC, 1987), the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia held that the government's attempts to subpoena or otherwise compel a whistleblower support organization to disclose the identity of its confidential sources infringe upon the First Amendment right to association of those sources. Recognizing the risk of great harm to those who disclose problems in their agencies, the Court held, organizations cannot be forced to disclose the identity of its sources unless the government can show a compelling interest that cannot be served by alternative means. Similarly, the identity of sources is also protected when private entities, such as polluters or developers who may be implicated by disclosure, seek to obtain confidential identifying information about PEER sources from government investigatory agencies. See Alyeska Pipeline Service Co. v. EPA, 856 F.2d 309 (DC Cir. 1988).

Well, that's about it for this week. I'll be back next week with some major dirt on a famous WWE superstar. If you have any questions, comments, feedback or dirt about famous WWE superstars to give me, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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