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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Road To WrestleMania... XXX? 

March 4, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Wooh-ooh-ooh, wooh-ooh-ooh, Wrestle Mania. Fighting to survive. Just like that! Just like that!" 
    - WWE CEO Lydia MacMahon

Can you smell it in the air? The world has caught Wrestle Mania Fever™!!! And just like my recent bout with Asian bird flu, it's highly contagious!!!

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last hundred years, you know that Wrestle Mania XXX - Where Everything Old Is New Again™ - is just around the corner, coming to you live in just four weeks. With that in mind, I thought I'd help you remember a thing or two about all of the other 18 Wrestle Mania's, because you're all stupid. So here, without further adieu, is a little thing I like to call:

Canadian Bulldog's List Of Things You Didn't Know About Wrestle Mania Because You're All Stupid

First, some generic facts about "The Big Daddy Of 'Em All". Did you know that…

  • The name 'Wrestle Mania' was created by WWE announcer and occasional tuxedo-match participant Harold Fink? Original names that were batted around include GrappleMania, RasslingMania, BattleMania, Grown-Men-Who-Roll-Around-In-Their-Underwear-And-Pretend-To-Fight-Mania, and JYD's House Party '85.
     
  • Who has the best Wrestle Mania record out there? None other than Tito Montana!!! It's true; Mr. Mexico himself was at the first nine of these bad boys and put on the performance of the night each time.
     
  • The Ordertaker, who was recently killed by his brother Kain, has never lost at a Wrestle Mania. Except for that time.
     
  • WWE loves to match up wrestlers who are about to die. For example, take a look at: Wrestle Mania One (Andrew The Giant Vs. Big "John" Stud); Wrestle Mania Two (Adrian The Adorable Adonis Vs. Cousin Elmer); Wrestle Mania Three (all the midgets with names like Little Littleton and Teeny McShort); Wrestle Mania Five (Sir Perfect Vs. Oren Heart); Wrestle Mania Seven (Texas Toast Kerry Van Eric Vs. Deena Bravo); Wrestle Mania Ten (Yozokuna Vs. Lex Larry Lugar); and Wrestle Mania Eleven (everyone).
     
  • What do Oren Heart, King Bundy, Big Ass Barry Gun and Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash have in common? Absolutely nothing.
     
  • There were three people operating Andrew The Giant from the inside, kind of like they did for Jabba The Hut.
     
  • Number of times Sweet Sapphire appeared at Wrestle Mania: One.

Now let's go Mania-by-Mania. Did you know…?

  • Wrestle Mania One was held in Madison Ave. Garden and what a night it was!!! In the main event, the one-and-only Hal Kogan came out of retirement to team up with Dukes of Hazzard co-star Mister Tee against the undefeated trio of Rod Roddy Piper and Someone Else. The match was so hardcore that they called in boxing legends Mohammad Ali Singh and Pat Pat Patterson to officiate. Also appearing on the power-packed card were S.D. 'Overnight Express Delivery' James; Bruno Santamartina Junior (a/k/a David Santamartina); Jimminy 'Superfreak' Snuka; The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor and The Executioner (a/k/a Tito Montana).
     
  • Wrestle Mania 2½ (The Smell Of Fear) was the first time each match was held in a different city. Muscular King Bundy narrowly lost in the main event to The Hulkstor. In a special battle royale, the very best of the NFL were victorious over the XFL's finest. And we got to see the long-awaited 'dream match' between Jake 'The Snakeman' Robards and George Wells. Plus there were about 45 celebrities, including but not limited to: Ricky 'Don't Call Me Richard' Schroeder; Kate of Kate n' Allie fame; Mistress Of The Dark Elle Vyra; Burger King's Herb; Wendy's Where's The Beef? Lady; KFC's Colonel Sanders; McDonald's Grimace and Hamburglar; the Domino's Pizza Noid and numerous others.
     
  • Who can forget Wrestle Mania Three (Bigger. Better. Badddderrrrrrrrrrrrr) when Hal Kogan bodyslammed Andrew The Giant in front of 93 million people at the Pontiac Sunfire Dome™? Plus, there was a so-so match between Steamboat Ricky and Randy 'Mucho Man' Sewage that only got interesting when Greg 'The Aminal' Steel interfered. In the main event, Rod Roddy Piper retired for good, but not before allowing Brutus The Beefcake to cut his opponent's hair and steal his cocaine.
     
  • Heh, heh -- Where's The Beef. I get it now.
     
  • They were originally supposed to go with Hal Kogan Vs. Paula Ortondorff for the main event of Wrestle Mania IV (Wrestle Mania Four), but fate dealt them an ugly hand when Mrs. Hebner gave birth to evil twin referees who would later screw Kogan out of the title, and then Robin Leach ordered a tournament to fill the vacant championship. And you won't BELIEVE who won!!!
     
  • Wrestle Mania Five (The MegaManiacs Implode) eminated from the beautiful Trump Tower and featured Hulkie-Mania exacting revenge against a former partner for only the 26th time in his career. Also appearing were rap superstars Run DMV and talk-show host Robert Downey Jr. who was set on fire by Rod Roddy Piper and Brother "Dude" Love.
     
  • Among the highlights from Wrestle Mania Six (The Alllllllllllllll-timate Challenge) were a young Canadian Bulldog sitting in a box seat watching all the action (perhaps you saw me?); B-movie actor and aspiring singer/songwriter Stuart Stone in the front row almost being hit by Bad Boss Man; and comedian and longtime WWE advocate Steve Alan teaching The Bullshitviks how to play piano.
     
  • The tearful reunion of Mrs. Elizabeth and Randy Sewage capped off an otherwise uneventful Wrestle Mania Seven (Stripes and Stars Forever), which was ruined by Lex Lugar, who ran in and killed Liz with drugs. Also making his Wrestle Mania debut: Tenyru.
     
  • Get this: There were not one, but TWO main events at Wrestle Mania 8 (The Thanksgiving Day Tradition): In one, Hulkstor lost a loser-must-retire match to Psychotic Sid, and in the other, Jigsaw Duggan, Sergeant Slaw, Bodyguard Nigel and Bad Boss Man fought to a draw with The Gnarly Boys, Repair Man and A Partner To Be Named Later
     
  • Wrestle Mania Nine (Toga! Toga! Toga!) will best be remembered as the time when Doing The Clown outsmarted Kona Crunch by enlisting the help of Fake Doing (a/k/a Fake Sting). Plus, fellow barber and subway collector Brutus The Beefcake made his grand return to the business and avenged the time when Monsters Inc. (Ted E. Beease and I 'R' Us) ruined his face in a parasailing accident. Also on the card, Yozokuna realized his boyhood dream by winning the WFF Title and losing it 30 seconds later.
     
  • Wrestle Mania Ten (Sponsored By IcoPro) had everything: Bert Reynolds, Bob "Spanky" Plug, AND Man On A Mission. Out of respect for the tenth anniversary of the first 'Mania, Vince MacMahon made sure that absolutely no one from the inaugural event attended.
     
  • Wrestle Mania Eleven (Enough already!) had the first-ever celebrity actually WRESTLE in a match (unless you count when Mister Tee and Hannibal fought Face and Howlin' Mad Murdoch at WM 4, but that was more of a 'shmoz'). Yessir, bonafide NFL legend Lawrence Fishburne defeated Terry "Bamm Bamm" Bigelow, with more than a little help from Steve 'Wahoo' McMichaels and rap sensations Salt and Pepper.
     
  • "Bret Didn't Screw Bret; HKB Screwed Bret!". Those were the famous words of Vince MacMahon at the end of Wrestle Mania Twelve (Bret Didn't Screw Bret; HKB Screwed Bret) after Sean McMichaels upended Brad 'Hatman' Hurt at the end of their epic "I - am - Iron - Man!/Dadadadada duh duh duh duh/Has he lost his mind?/Can he see or is he blind?/Can he walk at all/Or if he moves will he fall?" match. The Heartburn Kid won in overtime after scoring a hat trick. Plus, Goal Dust ran over Rod Roddy Piper after Hot Road found O'Jay Sampson's murder car, and… Triple HHH used his backstage power to hold down The Alllllllltimate Warrior (a/k/a Marvelous Mike Mero).
     
  • Wrestle Mania 13 was a piece of shit.
     
  • The evening's highlight at Wrestle Mania 14 (DX-Rated) was when The Ordertaker accidentally murdered Bad Boss Man by hanging him over the top of a Hell From The Cell. Also, Stoned Cold Steve Austen won his first world title, with a little help from special guest referee and boxing superstar Tyson Beckford. Triple HHH used his backstage influence to defeat Oren Heart. Making his 'Mania debut: future hall of famer Pete Ross.
     
  • There was swerving-a-plenty at Wrestle Mania 15 (Russo Takez Over The Book). First, Triple HHH used his backstage influence to hold down The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain (a/k/a Diesel), who was kicked out of The Company. Then, China turned on The Company and re-joined D-Generated X. Then, the happy couple turned on Ex-Pack and re-joined The Company, much to the delight of Shane O' Max. And maybe Kain joined D-Generated X.
     
  • Next up was Wrestle Mania 2000 (Not affiliated with Tekno Team 2000), which featured more than 60 wrestlers, not one of them in a one-on-one match. I don't remember what happened here. Triple HHH probably used his backstage influence to hold down someone. Perhaps The Sultan (a/k/a Conquistador # 2).
     
  • Wrestle Mania X-7 (Fuck You, WCW) marked the only time in history that The Iran Shiek, The Bushgardeners and Dumpster Drossey were in the ring at the same time (unless you count indy shows in Hamilton, Ontario). And who can forget when Vince MacMahon forced Ted Turnor to come to the ring and sell him WCW? Plus, the first-ever tables, ladders, chairs, lamps and desks match took place between The Hardy Brotherz, The Dudley Brotherz and The Edge And The Christian Brotherz.
     
  • Wrestle Mania X-8 (new new new new new World order… FAH LIFE!) returned once again to my hometown of Toronto (a/k/a Chicago). You may have seen my sign from the Level 200 seats ("GAME OVER")? In the main event of the evening, Tritch Stratus regained the Canadian Girl's Title by bettering The Returning Leeta and Jazzy. Scott "Last Hall" Call got the better of Sheriff Austen in a match of the year candidate. Also, something happened with Hal Kogan and Rocky Maivia.
     
  • If you haven't seen Wrestle Mania X-9 (Seattle, We Have A Problem), I've got just two words for you: Nathan Johns. The former murderer stole the show!!! In addition, we had a special tag team match involving The Miller Cat Girls and a bout that was "200 Years In The Making" between Vince MacMahon and The Hulkstor, in which a pregnant Rod Roddy Piper interfered.

… which brings us up to present day and Wrestle Mania XXX. Next week, I'll have an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of the big event (not to be confused with 1987's The Big Event) for all of you out there, including something known as the Portland, Oregon Wrestling Church (I'm not making that up). Until next time, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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