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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The R?ck Says.... 

April 8, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"WHAT … TIME… IS IT? IT'S… TWENTY… TO… FOUR!" 
         -- Biggie Van Vadar, after someone asked 
            him for the time.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, or as we're known in Moscow, ? ????????. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the number one wrestling writer in the world, according to a new list published by Someone.

We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, here's the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED poll that you must fill out on the official Inside The Ropes website, or be prosecuted to the full extent of the law:

Does this recent award validate the fact that I am, without a doubt, the best wrestling journalist EVER?

(a) Absolutely.
(b) Yes.
(c) All of the above.

Here are the results from last week's poll:

Who Should Eric Bischov Trade Triple HHH For?

(A) "A-Rob" Alice Rodriguez - 10 Percent
(B) A Player To Be Named Later - 8 Percent
(C) An Assorted Package of Television Jobbers - 26 Percent
(D) Actor/Singer/Songwriter Stuart Stone - 21 Percent
(E) Yes - 32 Percent

And now, onto the news…

World Wide Wrestling Entertainment Federation Corporation Incorporated Limited has agreed to amicably part ways with Terri Reynolds and Shawn O'Hair. Both will be big blows for the company, according to Idiot Message Board Posters Who Don't Know Any Better.

O'Hair debuted for the company last year using a Devil Gimmick, using his patented catch phrase "I ain't one to gossip, so you didn't hear this from me..." He then became a manager to Rod Roddy Piper until Piper had to amicably part ways with the company because he was too fat. He then became a jobber on shows like Velocity, Metal, Jakked, Ripped, Pumped and WBF Body Stars, fighting such luminaries as Orlando Jackson.

Reynolds started with the company 30 years ago, starting off as Marlene, the ditzy valet for Goal Dust. She then managed others including Val Venus Flytrap, The Hardy Brotherz and Percy Saturn, and later used a Slut Gimmick.

Both competitors will be missed by many, especially Idiot Message Board Posters Who Don't Know Any Better.

At the same time, the WWE has been hiring wrestlers like it's going out of style! For instance, check out their newest acquisition: Eugenius Dismoar, the real-life brother of Eric Bischov, who will use a gimmick that he is Insane. And he's managed by the returning William Royal. Will this new character draw millions? Bank on it!!!

You've got to love newcomer John Heginann, a/k/a Johnny NitroThunderWorldwideSouledOutFallBrawlBashAtTheBeach SpinTheWheelMakeTheDealYou'reGoingToTheWhiteCastleOf FearStinger. According to One Wrestling.com, the company is going to hire legendary announcer Tony Shoevauntey Shauvaunee Shwinvonney Scott Hudson to yell out "This is the greatest moment in the history of our business!" every time Johnny comes to the ring!!! And then the NwO will attack everybody after his matches!!! And the main events will all be four-minute screwjobs!!! And then they'll make Big Sex Killer the head booker and he'll bury everyone!!! And then Vince MacMahon will buy the whole company for eight dollars!!!

!!!

Is a merger between minor league companies NWA T and A and Ring of Horror in the works? No, not at all!!!

Still, the two companies sat down last week to discuss whether superstars such as B.J. Styles and The Incredible Red can worth in both promotions.

Everything was working out just fine, until… Triple HHH wielded his backstage power and argued that both groups don't know how to work "main event style". So then he trapped them under the glass ceiling and laughed repeatedly!!! True story.

Speaking of T and A, they're in Top Secret Negotiations right now to appear on the Fox Network!!! The show, tentatively called "NWA: Who Gives A Crap? You know?" will be sandwiched between their already strong Sunday Night lineup of In Living Color and Married… With Children.

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that my former top source known as totalbs@hotmail.com and I have had what's known in the business as a "falling out". I'll spare you all of the juicy details, but click here for all of the juicy details. And then, if you feel like it, drop him a line, and tell him The Notorious D.O.G. says hi.

So just when I thought that future ITR's would less accurate than they are now… who should come to my rescue but FOUR different total bs's? Un-freaking-believable!!! And how did they all get the same name?

Anyways, here are but a few of the Hot Tips they gave me, any of which are so intriguing that they'd make Bob Rider tremble in fear. Because we don't know exactly who these people are, please keep in mind that this is probably 100 % accurate:

  • Expect the "World's Most Chocolate Man" Mark Henry to take time off to appear in Tim Barton's new "Wily Wunka" flick.
  • Despite the "sham" that they put on in real life, Matt Hardee Version 3.5 For Workstations and The Returning Leeta aren't really related.
  • Guess who's gay? Pat Pat Patterson!!!
  • Everyone's favorite Wonder Of The World, China, should be back by the time you read this! And this time, it's personal!
  • Shane "O Max" MacMahon checks the coin return at pay phones for quarters. This is a scandal, because he's already got the "Bling Bling." Just look at his entrance video! What a greedy person! SCOOP!
  • Former Girls Champion Molly Hardy isn't bald because of her pre-match stipulation; it's because she has terminal cancer and she has two months to live (Bulldog's Note: And they STILL didn't give her the title shot at Backdraft? How rude!!!).
  • Actor/singer/songwriter Stuart Stone is a jerk. And probably gay.

Special thanks to all of those totalbs's out there. Please keep sending in your tips to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com so I can steal them confirm the facts through my other sources and put them in the public domain.

Hal Kogan is now… a manager? It's true!!! The former WWF competitor is managing the singing career of his daughter Brock (named after whiny crybaby quitter The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor, who smeared Kogan's blood all over his chest once).

Expect The Hulkstor's daughter to turn on him on the next Saturday Night Main Event (the one where Mean Jean and Lord Alfred Hayes are engaged in some silly backstage shenanigans), claiming that he never returned her phone call, because he was at the gym when Bobby 'The Brian' Heenen challenged her to a match against King Bundy and Big Josh Stud.

Breadshaw has legally changed his name to Justin 'Mr. JL' Breadshaw. And guess what, folks? He's rich, rich, rich!!!

Recently, I had the chance to speak with Rocky Maivia, the former wrestler-turned-actor whose new film, Walking Large, hits movie theaters everywhere last week. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED, and not-at-all FABRICATED transcript:

R: Hello?
CB: Finally… The 'Dog… has come back… to the telephone!!!
R: Who the hell is this?
CB: It's Canadian Bulldog. Just because I've reached the wrong person once or twice when conducting my EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interviews, I figure I better double-check - You're The Rock, right?
R: No, Bulldog, it's me -- The Rick. Rick Scaia. Your boss, remember? Why are you calling me at ho…
CB: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!
R: Actually, it kind of does, because…
CB: Enough chit-chat!!! Question number one: Why are you not on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw anymore?
R: Well, let's see… It could be because… I'M NOT A WRESTLER!
CB: Oh, sure. Turn your back on the industry that gave you a start. That's nice; real nice!!!
R: Look, Bulldog, how long is this going to take? I have Jeb on the other line, and we're negotiating to get his next column out by August…
CB: Question number two: Don't you think I deserve my status as number one writer on the Internet? Especially over guys like that dork webmaster from Oldline Onslut?
R: I'm losing my patience here…
CB: Look at you -- Mr. Hollywood Big Shot. No time for your fans anymore.
R: Grrrr…
CB: Question number three: What film projects are you in talks to star in? And I don't mean any of the crappy ones that sound like they were originally supposed to star Steven Seagull with names like 'Kill To Die'.
R: I'm working on something called 'Canadian Bulldog Gets Fired'…
CB: Hey, I know someone who would be perfect for that!!!
R: Me too.
CB: Question number four: Do you prefer 'pie'? Or 'strudel'?
R: Speaking as The Rock?
CB: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!! LOL!!!
R: (phew) Listen, Bulldog - I have to go! The maraschino cherry in my tiki drink is getting soggy.
CB: Fine, fine! This interview is OVER!!! (hangs up)
R: What a jabroni.

If there's anyone you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com (Editor's Note: Don't bother; there won't any be more ITR's after this.)

Finally, let's enter The Dog Pound, where we answer all of your questions in a timely manner:

Q: STOP SENDING PEOPLE TO MY WEBSITE, FUCKER
(signed total_bs@hotmail.com)
A: Okay, okay. I won't.

Q: What is ur best pick up line?
A: I have several. My most successful is when I walk up to a woman (or man; it works both ways!) and in a suave manner, simply say: "PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSE!!! PLEASSSSSSSSSSSE!!! PLEASSSSSSSSSE!!!" You'd be shocked at how much "action" that line gets. Try it some time.

Q: RE: AWARD FINAL NOTIFICATION.
We are pleased to inform you of the release of the result of the EL GROUP SWEEPSTAKE LOOTERY/INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMME played on the 15th March 2004. Your name attached to ticket number 025-11464992-750 with serial number 2113-05 drew the lucky numbers 13-15-22-37-39-45, Which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category. You have therefore been approved for the lump sum pay out of 315,810.00 (Three Hundred and Fifteen Thousand Eight Hundred and Ten Euro Only) in cash credited to file Ref No: EGS/ 25512600/03. This is from a total cash prize shared among the thirty=0ne International Winners in this category. CONGATULATIONS!!!
A: Thanks for the compliment. Many consider Rob Van Dam to be the finest WWE athlete to never hold the World Heavyweight or WWE Championship. But because of his incredible talent and Spartan work ethic, RVD's reign at the top may not be far away, especially now because he is on the SmackDown! roster. While competing for ECW, RVD combined his scintillating martial arts skills and eye-popping maneuvers to develop a huge following that made his move to WWE enormously successful. Since coming to WWE, RVD's popularity has exploded and his appearances on RAW were considered a highlight week after week. He should have no problems establishing the same following on SmackDown!

Q: I TOLD YUO TO STOP SENDING YOUR FOLLOWERS OVER TO MY E-MAIl.
(signed total_bs@hotmail.com)
A: And I told you 'thanks for the compliment'!!! And I meant it!!!

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have anything to send me: tips, women, recipes, etc. -- or if you just want to contribute to The Dog Pound, drop me a line at total_bs@hotmail.com.  Err, I mean Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com  (my bad!). Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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