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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Ulllllllll-timate Flashback 

April 22, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Online Onslaught and Canadian Bulldog part ways

After months of negotiations, Online Onslaught and Canadian Bulldog have been unable to come to terms on a new contract and as a result have mutually agreed to part company.

Both parties have left the door open to work together again in the future and Online Onslaught wishes Canadian Bulldog the very best in his future endeavors.

In his absence, we bring you this very special Inside The Ropes - Retro Edition.

 
(Originally published May 10, 1990)

Inside The Ropes - The Ullllllllllllllllllll-timate Column!!!

"Wait a minute. Let me handle this one, Mike…" 
     -- One of The Destruction Crew Brothers

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the people's alternative to Wrestling Eye Magazine that will someday, somehow, be shown to people worldwide on people's computers. I'm Canadian Bulldog (no relation to Canadian Earthquake) -- wrestling expert, prognosticator extraordinaire and unabashed Hulk-O-Maniac. We've got a lot to get to on this typewritten piece of paper that no one will probably see for 14 years (less, I don't know, three weeks or so), so let's get right to it!!!

An open letter to Millionaire Man Teddy Beeassey:

Money, money, money, money, money. Hahahahahahahaha! Is that all you think about, bastard? You think all you have to do these days is wave a $100 million bill in someone's face, and they're going to do whatever you want them to do? I THINK NOT!!! Laugh it up now, money boy, because the good times are about to come to an end! Regardless of if you've got Bodyguard Nigel in your corner, or even your gorgeous Zillion Dollar Belt strapped around your sexy waist, we all know that The Bad Boss Man has your number. And you can take THAT to the bank! Pun not intended.

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

P.S. Ever hear of a little something called church? I suggest you look into it, bastard.

And now, onto the news…

What's every wrestling fan talking about these days? That's right; the AWA Team Challenge Series!!! I don't know who will end up winning, how they'll get there, or what, exactly, the rules are, but I can't wait to see which team wins the one billion dollar prize at the end!!! Hopefully, this series will give youngsters like 'The Leaping Legend' Lenny Zbysko, Baron Van Roschke and Vern Gagne Junior a chance to shine.

If you watched WFF Superstars of Wrestling this weekend (and really; who didn't?), you saw that we have a NEW International Champion!!! It was none other than 'Sir Perfect' Kirk Henning besting odds-on favorite Tito Montana in the finals of the grueling month-long tournament to claim the prestigious yellow belt. Henning had more than a little help from his NEW manager Bobby 'The Brian' Heenen, who stole Perfect's contract from The Real Genius Larry Poffo.

If you have to ask why a tournament was held, then obviously YOU don't read PWI. You see, The Allllllllllllll-tellimate Worrier had to give up the Hi-C Title after he beat The Immaterial Hal Kogan at WrestelMania VISix. Hogan wasn't going to give up the belt, as he tends to hold down young talent because they can't work "main event style", but then Hollywood forced him to film Urban Commander, which is expected to shatter all current box office records. So The Hulkstor gave up his Undisputed Title to The Worrier.

Although President Jake Tunneigh has said that there won't be a rematch, trust me on this… THERE WILL BE ONE!!! They are just using a technique to work the fans known as 'fooling' them. Current booking plans are for the two to headline WrestelMania VIISeven in front of 100 million fans in Los Angeles, which definitely won't be changed to a smaller venue because of lack of ticket sales, that's for damn sure!!!

And that's what I call… absolutely… PERFECT!!! Pun fully intended!!!

Think It Over, Creep: Rumors continue to circulate that everyone's favorite crime-fighter RobotCop is headed back to the NWA!!! After his stunning debut at Crapitol Combat, where he helped Stink fend off The Forty Horsemen (Ricky 'Nature Guy' Flare, Barry Wind 'Em, Ulley Andersen, Enforcer Erin Anderson and Sid Nutritious), who could blame the fans for wanting him back?

From where I sit (in my parents' basement), RobotCop would make a great addition to Stink's Dudes With An Attitude stable, which currently includes such luminaries as Junk Yard Doug, Paula Ortondorff and El Gigantic.

On a related note, it's only going to be a matter of time before "The Complete Package" Lex Lugar finally unseats Flare for the ugly gold belt. Bank on it!!!

What the HELL has gotten into Demolishun lately? It used to be just Axel and Smush, but now they've added a THIRD MEMBER (Crunch) to the fold. Now they're allowed to defend the belts in any combination. In the immortal words of Gorilla Manson: "Puh-lease! Give me a break, Monsoon!". President Tunneigh should take the tag belts off these guys IMMEDIATELY. It will only make matters worse once Road Worriers Hog and Mammal jump ship from the NWA, because then everyone in the freaking company will be wearing makeup!!!

Who is this Cactus Jerk guy in the NWA? According to experts, he is insane in real life, and that's why he always yells "Blam! Blam!" in the middle of his matches. If he can't overcome top-level opponents like Captain Mick Rotoundoa and Norman The Maniac, I just don't think this kid has what it takes to be in the business.

Say it ain't so: Not only are the powers-that-be in Hollywood going to be canceling Mama's Family after this season, but they're also giving up on Mr. Belvedere? What the hell am I supposed to be watching NOW?

Is there a happier real-life couple in wrestling these days than Dusty Roads and his gorgeous valet Sweet 'n' Sour Saffire? I don't think so!

It looks as though there's no end in site to the blood feud between The Weedwhackers (Butch and Lou) and Rhythm & Blues (Honky Tonky Man and Greg Blues). Let's hope these boys can settle their differences on the upcoming house show circuit. Same thing with Jimminy 'Superfreak' Snuka and Akeeme The American Dream.

Move over, Ted Arseedy (whom I haven't seen compete in MONTHS); there's a new 'World's Strongest Person' in town!!! His name is Doug Furnace, and you haven't lived until you've seen this guy on syndicated NWA programs such as Power Hour. I'll make a not-so-bold prediction and proclaim this guy the next World Champion in this business!!!

According to my top source Totalbs who, uh, called me with this information, look for Andrew The Giant to create a new team with Hal Kogan now that they're both babyfaces. They will take on either the team of Rick "The Fashion Model" Mantel" and the returning Zoos, or The Midnite Rockers in the main event of the next SummerScam paper-view. On paper, this looks to be the best PPV extravaganza since No Holds Bart: The Match, The Movie and The Match!!!

Recently, I had the chance to speak on the telephone with minor-league wrestling legend and 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time, 184-time USWA Champion Jerry 'The King' Lawyer. What follows is the unedited, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

JL: Bulldog in Toronto, you're on the air.
CB: Thanks for the compliment. Question number one, how come…
JL: Wait a second, kid. You only get one question. We have a lot of callers to get to.
CB: Only one question? How rude!
JL: What's your question, Bulldog in Toronto?
CB: (Sigh) Question number one: How come you're still doing this when you're so old?
JL: (Laughs) It's a living, what can I tell ya?
CB: Heh heh… good answer, Jerry.
JL: Jerry?
CB: Yeah. Isn't this Jerry 'The King' Lawyer?
JL: You're on Larry King Live. I'm Larry King.
CB: You're Jack's hip, bachelor neighbor from Three's Company?
JL: Uh… yeah. Look, kid. Do you have any questions for our guest tonight?
CB: We have a guest?
JL: Our guest is Ed McMahon. Do you have…
CB: WHAT? VINCE MACMAHON IS WITH YOU TONIGHT? OH MY… I LOVE ALL OF YOUR SHOWS!!!
JL: Even Star Search?
CB: You do that one, too? I meant All-American Wrestling, but hey, you really CAN do it all.
VM: Ho ho ho.
JL: We've got to go to our next…
CB: Wait one freaking second. Why is Jerry Lawyer in talks with Vince MacMahon? And why hasn't 'Sports Review Wrestling' picked up on this yet?
JL: I have no idea what you're…
CB: Could it be because… you're jumping ship?
JL: WHICH ONE OF US ARE YOU TALKING TO?
VM: Ho ho ho. You are NOT correct, sir. I stay loyal to Johnny Carson.
CB: Look, I don't know the name of the guy who runs your league. I just don't want you "selling out" your incredible gimmick as 'King'. Didn't you see what they did to Handsome Harry Race?
JL: Uh… do we have ANY other callers on the line?
CB: …And then the next thing you know, you're going to be a shell of yourself, making awful remarks about women on TV, even Ivory.
VM: Hmm… Maybe…
JL: Look, we have to go.
CB: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!! (hangs up)
JL: Fine. Rick from Dayton, you're on the line.
RS: Did someone say Ivory?

Finally, let's jump into our patented question and answer section, where we cut out the middleman and bring the answers right to your doorstep:

Q: Are The Steiner Brothers related?
A: To whom? Thanks for the compliment.

Q: Hulk Hogan recently said on Arsenio Hall that he never took steroids. Do you believe him?
A: OBVIOUSLY I DO!!! Why would the Hulkstor lie to us? He's been telling us all along that the secret to his muscular (and sexy!) physique is nothing more than vitamins, IcoPro™ (You've got to want it!) and some kind of energy liquid that has a bee on the front of the can.

Q: How does Ultimate Warrior's music go again?
A: Dah (duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh) DAH.. DAH DAH Dah (duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh) DAH… DAH DAH Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah DUH DUH Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah Dah DUH DUH (Chorus) Wah nah wah wah nah wah nah, Wah nah wah wah nah wah nah Dah (wooooow wooow wah nah wah nah) Wah nah wah wah nah wah nah, Wah nah wah wah nah wah nah Dah (wooow wooow weeeee) DUH DUH…

Q: Who is the best manager in the business today?
A: Isn't this question better suited to Eddie Ellner's mailbag? Nonetheless, I would have to say that The Doctor of Style Sluck has all the tools to go far in the business.

Q: Who's got the brightest future in pro wrestling?
A: Without a doubt, it's Zed-Man Tom Zinc. This young (and sexy!) superstar has tons of promise. And he definitely won't end up as one of these guys who whines about the business after his time in the sun is up. Bank on it!!!

That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or legitimate concerns, be sure to e-mail, er… fax… er, send me a telegram to canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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