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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Hirin's and Firin's 

April 29, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I am a real American. Fight for the rights of every man!"
        -- Justin 'Mr. JL' Breadshaw, last week.

Welcome, everyone, to another, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, your weekly guide to all of the world's news (especially wrestling). I'm Canadian Bulldog, known on the street by the names Notorious D.O.G., B-Dawg and Fat Ass.

Firstly, a response to the millions (AND MILLIONS) of e-mails I received last week in response to my SHOCKING SWERVE. Well, guess what, suckers? That was just a SHOCKING SWERVE!!! I wasn't going ANYWHERE!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Losers!!!

We've got a ton to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

What is the best wrestling book EVER?

(A) Farley is Big (And The Real World Is Better Than Stupid Fake Wrestling) -- Mick Farley (with a foreword by Cactus Jerk)
(B) Quick, Buy This Book Before I Die! -- The autobiography of Classy "Freddy" Blassie.
(C) I Just Can't Wait To Be King… Sometimes -- Jerry "The King" Lawyer
(D) People I Had Sex With -- Misty Hyatt
(E) Canadian Bulldog's Big Book of Automobile Safety and Random Bible Passages (currently being 'shopped' to publishers) 
(F) Yes.

Be sure to vote at the official Inside The Ropes website, should I remember to update the poll there. And here are the results from our last poll:

Where Does Benwah Really Live?

(A) Mudlick, Kentucky - 5 %
(B) Venice Beach, California - 15 %
(C) New Orleans, Indiana - 5 %
(D) Dayton, Minnesota - 5 %
(E) Jersey City, Colorado - 10 %
(F) Yes - 60 %

And now, onto the news…

Out with the old and in with the new: It appears as if World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC Chief Executive Officer Vince MacMahon has had to make some tough decisions lately with respect to, as my ex-business partner Al used to call it, "hirin' and firin'."

To keep track of it all, here's a handy chart that you can clip out for future reference. It helps if you print out the page first (trust me on this one!!!):

 

Wrestler Hired or Fired?

Why?

Jeff Hardee Hired Company was running low on drugged-out pretty boys
Lanny Storm Fired Boring as hell
Ulllltimate Dragon Fired Failed drug test
Mordechai Hired I think this was the kid who sat behind me in Hebrew School
Hirohito Hase Hired Company was running low on stereotypes
Ted Turnor Neither Planning to run WWE out of business, according to pwinsider.com
Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen Fired Got drunk at office party; hit on Lydia MacMahon and then gave her a stunner and threw beer all over her and gave her the finger

 
Yes, you read that last one right! After a 'decade of destruction', Austen has decided that he has reached the point in his career where the time was right to be fired. As it happens, I have an ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT of what was said between Austen and MacMahon:

VM: Quite frankly, Steve, I don't think we can continue this working relationship under the circumstances.
SA: WHAT?
VM: I just think it's best we cut our losses, and go our separate ways.
SA: WHAT?
VM: We have to end this…
SA: WHAT?
VM: We should...
SA: WHAT?
VM: …just agree to...
SA: WHAT?
VM: …part…
SA: WHAT?
VM: …ways.
SA: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
VM: Look, Steve, quite frankly I believe this is the best move for both of us. Let's be reasonable here…
SA: If you wanna see me and WWE agree to amicably part ways, gimme an 'Oh Hell Yeah!'
VM: There's… no one else here. That only works in front of a crowd…
SA: Look 'atcha! Yer pathetic! You make me sick. WHAT? I said you make me sick! WHAT? I said ya make me downright ill! WHAT?
VM: Dammit, Steve, don't push me. Look, quite frankly, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.
SA: Why don't you explain tah me what the difference is between easy way and the hard way?
VM: Well, quite frankly, the easy way would be to post a friendly announcement on our website, during a peak traffic period such as 3 a.m. on Saturday morning.
SA: And what would the hard way be?
VM: Did you not see how we handled Piper's release?
SA: WHAT?
VM: Did you n… DAMMIT, STEVE, I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR… CRAP!
SA: WHAT?
VM: I said I'm not… DAMMIT! YOU DID IT AGAIN!
BH: I think that it's wrong for me to drop the belt in Montreal. I just want to get through this weekend, then I'll do whatever you want.
VM: Well, what would you suggest?
BH: Maybe we could do a schmozz or something.
VM: Quite frankly, I think… wait a second. Bret? What the hell are you doing in my office?
BH: I was just in the neighborhood. Didn't you want discuss my upcoming DVD?
VM: Dammit, this isn't the time for that! Quite frankly!
BH: (mumbling) You screwed me again…
VM: What was that?
SA: Ya hear that, Vince? That's the sound of 20,000 people calling you an asshole!
VM: No one else is here!!! Except for Shane, and he always says that!
SA: So I'm supposed tah just walk out of here? WHAT? I'm supposed tah just leave? WHAT? Call it a day? WHAT? Walk away? WHAT? Pull a Brock? WHAT?
VM: Screw you, Steve. You're FIRRRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
SA: Ehh-Ehh! You can't fire me.
VM: Why the hell not, PAL?
SA: Because I quit (gives Vince stunner)!
JR: BAH GAWD! STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER!
VM: And where did YOU come from?
JR: I live under your desk, remember? BAH GAWD!
VM: Quite frankly.
SA: That's the bottom line.
BH: I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.
MF: Bang bang! Bang bang!
R: If ya smelllllllalalalalalalalalah…
JL: Woo hoo! Puppies, JR!
UT: Rest… in …. peace.
PB: Ohhh yessss.
BD: GET THE TABLE!
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!!

…and that, as they say, is the Stoned Cold Truth. And that's all I got tah say about that!!!

Could there be something of a romance starting up between The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain and The Returning Leeta? Bank on it!!!

According to industry sources, minor league wrestling group NWA T and A is negotiating to sign Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash and Randy 'Matzoh Man' Sewage to their promotion. Expect Nash to "do the job" (which means wrestle) for T and A Champion B.J. Styles, while Randy will engage in a thirty-minute debate with head writer Vince Rousseau about who killed WCW.

Everyone is wondering where Smack! Down Co-Commissioner and former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle has gone to. Expect him to appear at the brand's big Judgmental Day pay-per-view spectacular where the "Classic Old School" Ordertaker will bring him back from the dead. Tangle will then challenge Tori Watson to a match because she dropped him from a scaffold three weeks ago.

Other matches scheduled for the May 34th PPV:

  • Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera Vs. Justin "Mr. J.L." Breadshaw. Special stipulation: If Guerrera wins: Mexico will be declared a free and independent nation by the U.S.!!! If Guerrera loses, he has to drop the title.
  • Tag team champions Charlie Horse and Ricola (The World's Gayest Tag Team) Vs. Rakishi Phatu and Your Mother Too and Scotty The Hotty (Too Phat).
  • El Grande Lunchadore (Smack! Down's Spanish champion) Vs. Chavita Guerrera Junior (with his father, Jose Lothario in his corner).
  • Rod Van Damme, The Ordertaker, "Rap Star" John Ceno and Ray Mysterero Vs. Bookie T, Robbie Dupree and The Full-Bodied Italians.

And… THAT'S IT? Who else is there on this freaking roster? I knew trading away a Train was a huge mistake!!! Perhaps they'll have to make up people just to make the show look longer:

  • "The Masked Russian" Boris Kolkonov Vs. Cody The Wrestling Bear.
  • "Cowboy" Johnny Lonestar Vs. "Muscleman" Tom Strong.

If my hunch is correct (and it almost always is, except for in 1998), this has all the markings of the BEST… PAPER-VIEW… EVER!

EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Numerous sources have mentioned to me that both Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen and The Immaterial Hal Kogan are jumping ship to the AWA. All yours truly can say is… FINALLY!!!

Hopefully, these legends can help clean up some of the filth that has taken over the federation lately. For example, maybe one of you could answer Scott Norton Utilities's arm-wrestling challenge? Or how about putting your differences aside to dethrone The Destruction Crew Brothers? At the very least, I'm expecting you guys to combat the racist comments made by Colonel DaBeer. SOMEONE has to show President Stanley Blackburn a little support!!!

And now, without further ado, here are the latest news 'n' scoops from my top source, totalbs@imneverwrong.com:

THE BS Report

Just came back from Canada, home of this year's Backdraft, and I must say, this was one of the top 3 events of all time. Hey, I just thought of something. You're from Canada too, right? Do you know where Tritch Stratus lives, because she is HOTT!!!111!! (Bulldog's note: Yes I do!!! And I have the stalking order to prove it!!!). Anyway, some Canadian fallout, complete with SCOOPS!!! SCOOP! Chris Benwah, fresh off his Non-Title Match at Backdraft, is slated to defend his championship against Heartburn Shawn MacMichaels in two weeks. The stip? If MacMichaels loses, he won't be admitted to Texas Christian University! However, if he wins, HBK gets new chaps. "Lund Killer" Randy Orson cemented himself as a legend. If you look at the official company map, Orson can be found among the symbols in the lower left corner, along with the wheelbarrows indicating Bauxite. If you see Orson's face in Bolivia, that means "Danger! Thumbtacks!" SCOOP! The Edge 102.1 FM is actually not just a wrestler, but an easy listening station as well. Expect Ron Zombee's favorite wrestler to feature a new theme next week: Michelle Bolton's classic ballad "When I'm Back on My Feet Again I'll Break My Hand." I hope that was both EXCLUSIVE and JAM-PACKED! I promise I won't sell Mean Jean anymore of my secrets. And remember, if you don't believe it...It's TotalBS.

Wow, thanks for the HOT TIPS, BS. Some would say you're born to run your own wrestling promotion!!!

Finally, let's open things to a little hot Q & A action, shall we?

Q: How do you become ultimate like The Ultimate Warrior?
A: That's SO weird!!! I was recently talking to The Worrier himself, and this is what he said (on his answering machine):

"Greetings, Warriors. You have contacted the physically explosive elements that combine the desire of animal instinct with the discipline of unspokeness. Although it is a physical possibility for me to answer your call, I have a need to break the unspoken rules and calculate the multiple sacrifices that exist. Condemnation be damned, Warriors! We (and by 'we', I mean 'I') must be relentless in the pursuit of parallel circumstances! In order to qualify the truth past cultural degeneration, we must strive to… {BEEP!}"

Q: Hello, I was recently contemplating a vacation, and I thought a good place to go might be The Undertaker's home of Death Valley. Can U give directions?
A: NO! Thanks for the compliment!!!

Well, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, compliments or compliments, drop me a line at canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  Except for that one person (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!). Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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