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INSIDE THE ROPES    
History of the (Wrestling) World, Part 1 

May 20, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"No Way… No Way In Hell!" 
     -- Lyrics to Vince MacMahon's theme song

We can't get enough of them when they're on television, and we always seem to miss them when they're off it. For decades now, the MacMahon family has been among the most-loved families in the sports-entertainment business. Besides those lovable dead Von Eric boys, that is.

But who are these people? Where did they come from? And why can't they seem to get along? These are the questions that every serious fan of the business asks from time to time (I asked it on Sunday at 9:30, for example).

I turned to a recently-released book entitled Sex And Headlocks, written by Sean Mooney and Somebody Else, for an accurate look at the man they call the "Genetic Jackass" and his lovely family.

Unfortunately, the book was 100 percent wrong!!! I should have known as much when I saw the disclaimer that the book wasn't affiliated with the WWE. For shame, Mooney; for shame!!! I would have expected this from your brother Ian, but you?

So with that in mind, yours truly, The Notorious D.O.G. (along with my trusty new apprentice, Johnny ITR) has decided to dig up some dirt on the entire MacMahon family. So, as my colleague Gorilla Manson used to say -- sit back, get that good stuff out of the fridge - the toppelegora, the meatball, the gottagonzola, and relax!

June, 1000 B.C. -- Although Vince MacMahon is the most famous (and sexiest) member of his family, he's not the first to be a wrestling promoter. Around this time, his great-grandfather Hoss MacMahon promoted wrestling matches between greats such as Staniclaus "Larry" Zybsko, "Whipper" Billy Wilson, Classy "Freddie" Blassey and Max Moon.

June 1960something -- Hoss passes on the family business (which he lost in a poker game. True story!!!) to his son Vince MacMahon Junior. The youngster creates a wrestling company known as the WWWWWF (or World Wide Wrestling WCW Whistling Federation), which had to be changed later to the WWWWWE because of protests from the World Weird Wild Wacky Wildlife Fund. Vince Jr. fills the company with tons of Racist Stereotypes, such as Bruno Santamartina, Andrew The French Giant, Pedro Gonzales, Drunk Irishman Mickey O' Hanlon, The Middle East Terrorist Allah Fazonahk, Mad Russian Boris Kolkonov and Max Moon.

June 1982 -- Vince Jr. dies and his son Vince MacMahon Senior (the current one with the sexy arms) inherits the business. But first, because of a stipulation in the will, Vince and his gorgeous wife Lydia have to spend the weekend in the Haunted MacMansion, where they are almost scared off by Ghosts, but that just turns out to be The Janitor in a Clever Disguise. Then Scooby Dude asks to have a Scooby Snack and everyone has a good laugh.

June 1984 -- As a shrewd businessman, Vince forces all the other crappy federations to sell their big stars to him and go out of business. Soon, superstars such as Hal Kogan, Rod Roddy Piper, Andrew The Giant, Junk Yard Doug, Ricky Flare, Bruiser Brady, Dustey Roads, Max Moon and Paula Ortondorff are working for the same boss.

June 1985 -- Vince changes the business forever by staging the first ever WrestelMania in Madison Ave. Garden. To make the event more appealing to the MTV Generation, he invites such stars as Mister Tee (Bookie T's real-life father!), Libberocchy, Cindy Lopper, Scott Baio, Twisted Sister, Alf, and the lead singer from A-Ha.

June 1986 -- Vince breaks more ground with two hot new television shows. The first, T and T, is about Mister Tee as a cop. Oh, no wait, that's the wrong T and T. Anyways, the other show is Saturday Night Live's Main Event, which features Mean Jean on a safari and classic banter between MacMahon and future Senator Jerry 'The Body' Ventura, such as:

VM: (Loud, throaty) A-HA HA HA! Look at that, Jess!
JV: You shouldn't play favorites, MacMahon. Especially with guys like Cocoa Beware here.
VM: A-HA HA HA! Come on, Jess. Get up there and dance! A-HA HA HA!
JV: Fuck off.

June 1987 -- Many people said it couldn't be done, but Vince manages to pack The Pontiac Sunfiredome with 97 million screaming fans to see Andrew The Giant do the job for Someone.

Oh, and… Vince and Lydia had two lovely children some time in there. The twins, Stephoney and Shawn, are born sometime in the 1970's. That should have probably been mentioned earlier. But it becomes VERY IMPORTANT later on!!!

June 1992 -- All the wrestlers in the WWF (oops, the name changed too, somewhere in there. Probably because of the Internet.) are fired because they all forced Vince to shoot them in the ass with drugs such as steroids, cocaine and dexatrim. Say GOODBYE to overstuffed apes like Handsome Harvey Race and The Weedwhackers and Max Moon, and say hello to a new generation of drug-free stars such as British Bulldog Davey B. Smith, Billy Jack Hayes, Max Moon and The Alllllll-timate Warrior.

June 1993 -- Vince creates his greatest idea EVER, the WWWWWBF (later changed to WWWWWBE for legal reasons). With a stable that included Lex Larry Lugar and The Incredible Hulk, the idea was destined for greatness.

June 1994 -- Because they're a bunch of jackasses, the federal government sues Vince for something and forces him into trial. Sources say it was because he embarrassed his country by having Iraqi dictator Sergeant Slobber win the title. Three years earlier.

Anyways, here is some ACTUAL testimony from the case, which has been dubbed the "steroid trial" for some reason.

Lawyer: Mr. MacMahon, where were you on the night of the 25th?
Vince MacMahon: Quite frankly, I don't see the relevance in asking that. Kiss my ass.
Lawyer: Very well. Do you take steroids?
Vince MacMahon: Quite frankly, anything is possible in the World Wrestling Federation. It's UN-BE-LIEVEABLE!! A HA HA HA!
Lawyer: Please just answer the question.
Vince MacMahon: Well, quite frankly, I did take steroids once. That was because I needed to help a sick friend.
Lawyer: By injecting YOURSELF with steroids?
Vince MacMahon: Quite frankly.
Lawyer: And did you give steroids to your wrestlers?
Vince MacMahon: For free? NOW which one of us is on drugs?
Lawyer: I mean… did you sell steroids to your wrestlers?
Vince MacMahon: What do you want from me?
Lawyer: I want the truth!
Vince MacMahon: You can't HANDLE the truth! Our people are stationed out there in cities like Madison, Wisconsin, and Peterborough, Ontario (Good seats are still available) entertaining all of you, so you can sleep better at night. If I'm not out there defending them, who's going to do it? You?
Lawyer: Are you offering me a job?
Vince MacMahon: Quite frankly, yes. Your new name is Louis A. Warren, better known as L.A.W.. This will be the best gimmick since Hillbilly John!
Canadian Bulldog: This steroid trial is OVER!!!

June 1995 -- Evil WCW owner Eric Bischov created a rival show known as Eric Bischov's Monday Night Ro to compete with Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Right from the beginning, Bischov got under Vince's skin by saying things like "Don't bother turning into that other Monday night show. It's pre-taped. We hear that their champion, Stoned Cold Steve Austen, is going to battle The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain in a steel cage match that will be the best match EVER!!! Why not stick around here instead, and watch Lenny and Lodey take on Two Jobbers in a match that will see a run-in by Psychotic Sid?"

June 2001 -- WCW folds because their ratings go into the toilet.

Previous to that -- Vince decided to become a wrestler himself, after screwing Brad 'Hatman' Hurt in what will be forever known as "The Minnesota Snowjob". He is trained by his personal "stooges", Pat Pat Patterson and Lenny Briscoe. In his first match, he nearly defeats Stoned Cold before Dude, Where's My Love?, the wacky alter-ego of Mick Farley, intervenes.

June 1999 -- What's better than one MacMahon constantly on TV? How about four of them??? That certainly was the thinking over at Trojan Towers. Little Shawn MacMahon (now known as Shane O' Max) was cast as the spunky young protégé to his father's fortune who pretended to run their website; Adorable Stephoney MacMahon pretended to be a slut who married The Ordertaker, The Test, Max Moon and Triple HHH; and beautiful Lydia MacMahon was cast as a robot.

June 2001 -- In his smartest move EVER, Vince creates the XFL (later changed to the XEL for legal reasons), a new brand of "smashmouth", "in your face", "proactive" and "ridiculous" football. Among the gridiron greats the league produced: I Hate Me and That Other Jerk.

June 2001 (mid-June): Shane O' Max "shocks the world" by stealing WCW from right under his father's nose when he's not looking! The InVention angle is born, bringing us such dream match-ups as Canyon against Hardwood Holly and Mark Awesome against Breadshaw.

June 2001 (late-June): Vince launches his first reality-television show, in which 12 young hopefuls vie for their chance to be his apprentice (Johnny ITR, take note!). Among the winners are Mayvin, Nadia, Christopher Lewinski, Miss Jackee, Queen Shaneequa, Johnny Night Ro and Max Moon.

June 2002 -- Stephoney gets new airbags installed, if you catch my drift! Nudge, nudge! Wink wink! She also had breast-augmentation surgery around that time.

June 2003 -- Vince lives out his boyhood dream by wrestling Hal Kogan at WrestelManix XX9 (200 Years In The Making). And losing.

June 2004 -- Hasn't happened yet.

April 2004 - Vince promises to "shake things up" by holding a Lethal Draft Lottery on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Among the blockbuster trades including Ricola for a Train, and Chuck Columbo for Sheldon Benjamin.

Which brings us up to present day. Here's where the family stands:

Stephoney MacMahon is enjoying her time out of the television spotlight right now, and will probably never return to the airwaves. She and current husband Triple HHH live with Ex-Pack in their lovely San Diego home.

Shawn "Shane O' Max" MacMahon was never seen again after being crushed in a freak limousine accident following a hardcore match with The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain.

Lydia MacMahon got tired of her husband's "womanizing" and decided to hook up with Eric Bischov following their torrid fling last year. As she often likes to say "Woo-ohh, woo-ohh. WrestelMania. Fighting to survive. Just like that, just like that."

Vince MacMahon, at press time, had split up from mistress Sabel The Wild Cat (who went back to her first husband, The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor), and was last seen ogling Gay Kim. Best of luck to those crazy kids!

Next week: more news, rumors and false accusations. Be sure to drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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