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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The New Fall Season is This Spring's
Biggest News! 

June 3, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Bang, bang, you're dead, bastard!" 
        -- Cactus Jack Manson, 1994

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the column where we aren't afraid to ask the tough questions, unlike some columns I could mention (coughcoughMrTitosPhatDailyColumncoughcough). I'm Canadian Bulldog, and I just wanted to pass along my brand new EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED quiz, which you can take by clicking here You'll be glad you did!!!

We've got a ton to get to this week, so let's hop right to it.

What in the BLUE HELL is Triple HHH's problem with Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels??? After all the history between the two guys, they still can't seem to "bury the hatchet". As far as I know, these two were best friends, first in The Click and then in Degenerated X. Then, out of nowhere, The Criminal Assassin obviously got jealous of HKB's Religious Upbringing, and all heck broke loose.

How will these two sexy gladiators settle their problems? In nothing less than a Hell In A Cage match at the next Paper-View Spectacular, Glad Blood!!! Other matches "rumored" for the show are Chris Benwah Vs. The Edge and The Eugenius Vs. Coach John Goodman in a Hell In The Cage match.

Is it just me, or has The Best Show dropped off the face of the earth ever since he was pushed off a scaffold by Torrie Watson last month? Was his injury a "shoot" or a "work"? Readers?

Pardon my French here, but c'est le temps pour célébrer parce que Voilà Los Résistance est finalement les champion d'équipe d'étiquette du monde!!! Dans leur ville de maison de Montreal, aucun moins!!! France's own Robbie Dupree and Sylvain Grenouille overcame the odds to be the first tag team champions in a LONG TIME that we can all be proud of!!!

Remercie pour le compliment!!!

Hot rumor on the streets right now is that Tritch Stratus will be reforming her old team of The Test and a Train, and combining them with her newest charge, Tyson Tonka. The new combo will be known as A,T&T. Expect Carrot Top to accompany them to ringside and their finisher will be known as "Dialing Down The Middle".

One of my top sources, a gentleman (or woman; I'm not sure) known as ydgnkuwwcheapviagrayeda@pochtahotdealsonviagra.ru sent me a copy of the new fall television season, and guess what? It's full of wrestling-related shows!!! Obviously, PWI Insider.com's Dave Scaia is DEAD WRONG when he says that the wrestling boom is over. Over, my Oklahoma ass!!!

Anyways, here are but a few of the shows that will debut over the major networks this fall:

· Everybody Loves Rey Rey
Loveable lunchadore Ray Mystereo Junior stars in this heartwarming sitcom about a family of overlooked Little Heavyweight wrestlers who are constantly overlooked in favor of women and senior citizens.

· Law & Order: Wrestler's Court
"In the WWE justice system, there are two separate, yet equally important groups: the wrestlers, who play good-natured ribs on each other, such as sticking lit cigar butts in their friends crotches; and the bullies, who prosecute them. These are their stories." DAH DAH!

· According To Bret
This show is exactly like According To Jim, except that it features former WWWF Heavyweight Champion and current whiny crybaby Bret "Hatman" Hurt complaining about how Vince MacMahon screwed him in Montreal.

· American Icon
Well-known yet past-their-prime grapplers such as Sergeant Slaw, Hatsaw John Duggan and The Patriot Missile compete for a chance to hand out miniature U.S. flags on Smack! Down tapings before being attacked by Breadshaw. A panel of judges that includes Simon Howell, Paula Abdullah and That Third Guy critique their performances, saying things like "You are absolutely terrible! I haven't seen an act that contrived since Heavy Metal Von Hammer was in WCW."

· Rico And Charlie
Two life-long friends, one openly-gay and the other an in-the-closet-gay, find the world is theirs for the taking when everyone else runs away from them when they blow kisses.

· Big Brother, BROTHER!
Noted Hulk-O-Maniacs such as Ed "The Man With No Anthrax" Leslie, Jim E. Hart, Paula Ortondorff and Ivad Sullivan live in a house together (because they spent all their money on steroids in the 80's!) and vie for the attention of their leader Hollywood Hal Kogan.

· Xtreme Makeover
Watch as wrestlers Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Workstations, Jeff Hardee and The Returning Leeta are magically transformed into drug-free workers with decent acting ability.

· Who Wants To Beat A Millionaire?
Smarks like Scott Keeth, Wade Kellerman and Bob Rider take turns trying to discredit the enormous salaries that have been paid to guys like Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Papa Pump Scotty The Steiner and Goldenberg.

Wow, thanks for that AWESOME information, ydgnkuwwcheapviagrayeda!!! I also appreciate the e-mail you sent me about RE: We1ght L0ss Medicati0ns!!!

World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Plc LLC Corp. recently announced that MY hometown of Terronto will play host to the paper-view spectacular SummerScam. None other than WWE CFO Vince MacMahon was on hand, and he made the following announcement:

"Quite frankly, I think the fans of Toronto are terrific supporters of our live events, quite frankly. And quite frankly, this event should be no exception. Quite frankly, I expect the Canadian wrestling fans to show up in full force because, quite frankly, they're sick and tired of hearing about how I screwed Bret. Everyone, quite, knows, frankly, that Bret, quite frankly, screwed, quite frankly, Bret. And dammit, I'm Vince MacMahon, and whatever I want, quite frankly, I get it. Screw you Austen. You're firrrrrrrrrrrrrrred!!! Quite frankly."

Who's the new WWE superstar who everyone is whispering will be world's champion by year-end? That's right, The Eugenius. Recently, I had the chance to speak with the stupid youngster. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

E: Good afternoon. This is Eugene's. How may I help you?
CB: Thanks for the compliment. Question number one: are you really, you know… "special". Or is that just a "work"?
E: What are you talking about?
CB: You don't even know what I'm talking about?
E: No.
CB: Wow, you must be "special" then. The gimmick is a "shoot". Question number two: Why can't you find a better jacket to wear?
E: They make us wear this when we deliver gyros. Now what is…
CB: WHO makes you wear it? Uncle Eric?
E: No, Uncle Jimmy…
CB: Eugene, it's okay, it's okay. You don't have to "kayfabe" me here. I know about the whole deal with you and Bischov.
E: Who's Bischov?
CB: Fine, be that way. Question number…
E: Wait, wait, wait. My name isn't Eugene!
CB: Oh, okay (makes 'cuckoo, cuckoo' noise). What-ever. Stupid.
E: Who are you calling stupid?
CB: Look, look, let's calm the HELL down here. I don't want this to end like the whole situation did with Coach Man. So just try to calm down, Eugene.
E: THAT'S NOT MY NAME! MY NAME IS PETE!
CB: (Sigh). Okay, "Pete", let's move on. Question number three. Don't you realize that Lord William Royal is just using you so he can get re-signed by Bischov?
E: WHO IS WILLIAM ROYAL?
CB: Your manager, stupid.
E: The manager here is William Kostopoulos. We call him Billy, though.
CB: Look, nutjob. I have no idea what his "real" name is, and dammit, I don't care. All I know is he's using you!!!
E: Billy's just… using me?
CB: Trust me on this one, idiot.
E: Hold on a sec… (muffles phone). Billy… Billy! Get your ass over here! We have to talk!
CB: I can't wait on this stuff all day, Eug… er, sorry "Pete". This interview is OVER!!! (hangs up phone)
E: What a retard.

If there's anyone you want me to interview, and you just can't SLEEP until it's been done, drop me a line at canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  And then get to sleep.

Let's open up The Dog Pound, shall we?

Q: Very, very accurate review of the history of wrestling. I just wish you had mentioned some legendary names such as Carlos Santana, Greg "The Hummer" Valentine, Herculoid Fernandez, and Snake "The Jake" Roberts. Without illuminaries such as these the WWWWWE would not be where it is today. You're Welcome for the Compliment.
A: It's actually Snake "The Jake" ROBARDS!!! Dumbass!

Q: Mr. Bulldog: I was wondering what is your opinion on the 6 sided ring that NWA TNA will be using on their new impact shows?
A: Thanks for the compliment!!! I may be in the minority here, but I can't help but think that NWA T and A will be hurt by their decision of having six different rings, even if it IS for television. How many rings do guys like B.J. Styles, Sanjay Duck and The Incredible Red need, anyways? You know?

Q: Hi! I'm in a big dilemma. We've created an animated video but can't decide for which song (between two) it should be edited. If you like modern rock stuff, please listen to them and just tell me which of 2 u like more that's all. I really need your help to make the right decision because half a year of hard work depends on it. Thx for your time.
A: I guess I probably should have included a link here…

Finally… I'm going to ask for everyone's help here on this last item. A while back, yours truly contacted Toronto Wrestling Personality Joltin' George™ about being interviewed on his telephone hotline about how great my column was. However, he got, shall we say, edgy, when I called him a "stupid fucking asshole". Also, his name is allegedly Joltin' Joe.

So how can you all help? I would suggest a letter-writing campaign to joltinjoe2049@hotmail.com to show him just how strong a fan base ITR has. Be respectful in your letters, but be honest: tell him how I'm easily the greatest person related to wrestling EVER and how I practically invented the Internet. Whatever you do, make sure you let him know you NEED him to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview… with me!!!

And that about does it for this week. After you've finished bugging Jolting George, drop me a line at canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.  Oh, and don't forget to take my quiz. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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