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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Keepin' It OOld... Plus:
Benoit, Lita, Letters, and MORE! 

June 17, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I'm just a sexy boy; sexy boy. I'm not your boy toy; boy toy." 
        -- Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels, 1994.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, or as it's sometimes referred to, The Broad Perspective. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we've got roughly 1,000,000 different things to get to this week. So let's hop to it!!!

An open letter to The Returning Leeta,

Mazel Tov!

As everyone in the world knows by now, you are, as they say, "expecting". All of us here at ITR (and really, the entire Oldline Onlsut "family") wish you best of luck on this new addition to your household.

You and Mark Hardy Version XP must be ecstatic by now, as surely you told him the good news right after the end of this week's Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, and didn't wait until next week's show to make such a revelation.

I have so many questions for you right now. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Something entirely different? Do you have any names picked out? Won't Jeff make a fantastic uncle? What color are you going to paint the nursery? And why do you throw such shitty-looking punches?

One last piece of advice, as a parent myself: During your pregnancy, let this whole "thing" with The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain -- whatever it may be -- go. Otherwise, you may end up so frightened that you'll miscarry, and no wants to see that happen.

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT HAPPEN - HINT, HINT!!!

So good luck the many joys of motherhood, and don't let the little one bust out too many moonsaults until he's at least four. Trust me on this one.

Peace out,
B-Dawg

What on earth is The Ordertaker thinking these days? First, he helps kidnap his manager Paul Burner, and then next thing you know, he's aligned himself with former Smack! Down Co-commissioner Paul Herman!!! Here's hoping that The Dead Guy realizes what a mistake he's making, before he becomes "more than friends" with The Dudley Brotherz.

Current booking plans will have Eric Bischov switching the videotape library that his niece The Eugenius watches to learn his matches from. Instead of watching classic WWF videos, such as 'Best of The WWF Volume 11' (featuring a strip poker game between Master Fuji and Marvelous Moolah), he will be forced to watch classic WCW footage!!!

Over the next few weeks, everyone's favorite idiot will start using moves such as the fingerpoke of doom, swinging Jim Coronet's tennis racket, descending from the rafters, letting fans into the arena for free to boost attendance, and giving away pre-taped Raw spoilers.

PWTorch.com Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Day comes from reader completelyfakealias@yahoo.com: I was hanging out with my grandfather the other day and suddenly, he had a heart attack and died. I couldn't help but remember that the 'Hart Attack' was the old finishing move of The Hart Foundation.

Wrestling fans were shocked and saddened to hear that longtime WWE employee and Hall of Famer James Dudley passed away last week at the age of 93. One of the only people who worked for all four generations of the MacMahon family, he will be missed my many, including his half-brothers D-Von, Bubba Ray, Spike, Dances With and Sign Guy.

Speaking of deceased… World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated LLC Plc has amicably agreed to part ways with Chavo Cola Classic after the fiery youngster no-showed several Smack! Down house shows. Apparently, the father of Eddy, Chavito and Juventud couldn't handle the pressure anymore of being the only wrestler on the roster who was over.

I recently came across an old videotape full of wrestling in my basement, and thought I'd do a quick recap for you all. All it says on the cover is "Wrestling 1992" (wow, a 20 year-old video!), so no idea what's on here exactly:

· Segment # 1: We're welcomed to WWF Wrestling Challenge with your hosts Bobby "The Brian" Heenen and Gorilla Manson. We have a great main event coming up this week: Butchwhacker Luke Vs. Bo Beverley. The fans "are literally hanging off of the rafters," Gorilla says. Six fall off the rafters during the opening minutes.
 
· Segment # 2: Bad Boss Man Vs. Jerry Monty. This should be a barnburner!!! Nope, it's not. Bossman wins in eighty-four seconds.
· Segment # 3: Craig Da George tells us about some exciting events headed to the Rochester War Veterans Coliseum. Looks like they pulled out all the stops here - both Heracles Hernandes and Dustey Roads will be on hand in Rochester!!!
 
· Segment # 4: We start off with the introductions of The Doctor Of Style Silk leading his charge The Warlock to the ring, but then the rest of the match gets taped over.
 
· Segment # 5: This is from Canada's Maple Leaf Wrestling, and it's time for everyone's favorite segment, the "Maple Leaf Gardens Feature Match", joined in progress. This one is no exception, as we have Magnificent Marino taking on Sivi Afa in what promises to be a barnburner!!! Nope.
 
· Segment # 6: Announcer Billy Rad Lions (Don'cha dare miss it!) is about to introduce his guest at this time, Jim The Advil Night Hart, when the rest of it gets taped over.
 
· Segment # 7: Oh, wow! An episode of everyone's favorite sitcom, Alf! This week, our Melmakian hero is trying to mail a letter, but Mrs. Okmonek spots him in the front yard. You better work your magic and come up with SOMETHING, Willie!!!
 
· Segment # 8: Back to wrestling (looks to be from the first show), as we have Latino superstar Tito Montana locking horns with Silent Brian Macnie. Earlier on, Fashion Model Rick Mantel had something to say about his Mexican foe. The future "El Mastadon" wins the match handily, thanks to his patented Flying Jalapeno.
 
· Segment # 9: It's pick 'em time, as the All-American team of Sgt. Slobber and Hacksaw John Dugan take on a pair of worthy foes in the form of Barry Hardy and Kato. Before I can find out who wins, the segment gets taped over yet again. ARGH!!!
 
· Segment # 10: Tonight, on the Arsenio Hall Show it's actor John Stamos, musical guest Lou Reed and comedian Louie Anderson. Why the HELL did I tape this? Oh, I forgot. This must have been during my "Full House" phase. WAIT ONE SECOND! Arsenia has a "Dog Pound" too? HOW RUDE!!!
 
· Segment # 11: A late-night infomercial for the Insta-Perm Portable Hair Care Solution™. This oughta be a real barnburner. Nope. The tape runs out about halfway through the first hour of this.

I'll let you folks know if I end any more "classic" videotapes!

SPOILER ALERT!!! DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING SECTION UNLESS YOU DON'T NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED!!! --------------------------------------------------------------

Keep scrolling down…

 

 

 

Seriously, this is your last warning. If you don't want to find out what happens, keep scrollin', pardner…

 

 

 

Okay, fine. THIS is your last warning. But I mean it. DON'T read this section if you want to avoid the spoiler.

 

 

Well, not that part. That wasn't the spoiler. The one coming up…

 

 

 

A few more inches down, and you're going to be smack-dab in the middle of spoiler country. Just saying…

 

 

This week on Smack! Down, "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera will probably lose his drivers license on the show!!! It's because he accidentally destroyed Justin "Mr. JL" Breadshaw's Nazi Limousine last week!!! And also because he's a recovering alcoholic, so the (indy workers dressed up as) cops won't take any chances!!!

Then in what I think will be a hilarious sketch, Eddie will have to go to the DMV to take another road test!!! But Breadshaw will show up as his test inspector, and fail him just out of spite!!! Also because he forgot to "buckle up for safety"!!! And it will be the best wrestling sketch filmed inside of a DMV office EVER!!!

!!! 
--------------------------------------------------------------

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the telephone with the world's greatest wrestler EVER, Atlanta's own Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, in which I don't pull any punches, NOR do I throw any "softballs":

CB: Is this Mr. Benoit?
CB: Speaking.
CB: Hi, it's Canadian Bulldog. Are you ready for your EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview?
CB: Interview?
CB: Excellent. Question number…
CB: No, no, no, wait. I've got batting practice right now, kid.
CB: Thanks for the compliment. I… wait a second, this is confusing.
CB: What's confusing?
CB: The fact that we both have the same initials. You know - CB and CB. Hmmm… what to do, what to do? Do you mind if I change your initials?
CB: Not at all. Especially considering those aren't my initials.
CB: That's the spirit! Question number one: Do you…
S2Z: Kid, kid -- I've got to go! And what does 'S2Z' stand for anyways?
CB: Just something I made up. Why do you have to run?
RY: Because the coach will yell at me if I'm late.
CB: So why do you care what Jonathan Coach Man thinks of you? You can take him on!
ZX: Sure, but I'd get fired.
CB: I hear ya -- Eric Bischov wouldn't stand for it. Fair enough…
HFL: Huh?
CB: Can I just ask you one question before you go?
TTP: Uh… sure.
CB: You've had so many career highlights. Which one stands out for you? Would it be when Triple H put your sorry ass over?
GG: Yeah, the days playing in Triple A were tough, but they helped to build… wait a sec. MY SORRY ASS???
CB: This interview is… (hangs up)
ZI: Huh?

(A short time later) 
UY: Hello?
CB: … OVER!!! (hangs up)

If there's anybody out there you want me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com

Finally, let's open up The Dog Pound (stupid lousy Arsenio!), where we take your questions and provide answers to them in an expedient fashion:

Q: What do you think the main matches will be at SummerSlam?
A: They'll probably be title matches.

Q: Dear Canadian_Bulldo,
Re: cutout ampex
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bgehzbug zsxusgr, zuyuz xeoysxtfw jwattpa
xaktvw fpquqrb ibtnbto hchruvdz
gdfepo faeyixqew, qcxhut, ysqawlyz
A: According to his official website, Eddy Guerrera "has been a mainstay in TNA since 2003. He claims it's his "destiny" to become NWA World Heavyweight Champion, and will go to any lengths to achieve that goal. His finishing DDT move - The Raven Effect - is lethal. Recently, he has been involved in a feud with former friend Sabu, as the two superstars look to clash for the first time in their extreme careers!"

Q: Hey, Bulldog. Just wanted to let you know I e-mailed Joltin' Joe for you. When will you be on the hotline?
A: Thanks for the compliment. For those of you who don't know the story, Joltin' George (or as he prefers to be known, Joltin' Joe) runs a wrestling hotline here in Toronto. A month ago, he got upset at me, simply because I called him a "Stupid fucking asshole". Anyways, I asked my loyal Bulldog-a-Maniacs to write George/Joe at joltinjoe2049@hotmail.com and ask him, nicely, to get yours truly on the hotline for an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview. Nothing has happened yet, but if you want to continue your e-mail campaigns to make it happen, that would be the best thing EVER!!!

That about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, suggestions, harsh criticism or good recipes for double-fudge brownies, email me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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