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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Obituaries, Sonograms, and
Best-Selling Authors, Oh My! 

July 1, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hey, yo. It's survey time. You all know how this works. Earlier, we asked 100 people what their favorite vegetable was. The top seven answers are on the board. Let's play... The Family Feud, chico." 
          -- Scott "Last Hall" Call, 1998.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and factually inaccurate edition of Inside The Ropes, the only column to "blow the lid off of kayfabe", whatever the hell that is. I'm Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

What was your favorite part of the recent Great American Beach PPV?

(A) When Justin "Mr. JL" Breadshaw finally fulfilled his legacy.
(B) The HILARIOUS diva segment.
(C) The other HILARIOUS diva segment.
(D) Wait - you're talking about the 1989 version, right? RIGHT?
(E) Yes.

Be sure to cast your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website. It's just like voting for American Idle, only far less relevant. And here are the results of our previous EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED poll:

What did The Stupid Big Red Machine Kain recently ask The Returning Leeta?

(a) Do you have the time - 0%
(b) Can you teach me to throw those awesome punches just like you? - 21 %
(c) I need to score some heroin… - 21%
(d) Would you be my date to my nephew Hershel's barmitzvah? - 14 %
(e) Yes - 42 %

Finally, I just wanted to thank everyone for looking to the brand new BulldogZone for all of their merchandising needs!!! Now, according to the rules that govern this website, I'm not allowed to advertise my merchandise store here, which is understandable. But I AM allowed to publish the following testimonial:

"Bulldog - just wanted to let you know that I've ordered your new ITR baseball jersey for my husband, and it is the best piece of clothing EVER!!! Also, we have your autobiography on backorder. I'm sure it will top the Amazon.com book rankings any day now because it is so well-written and free of typographical errors. Sincerely, Anonymous Man Or Woman.

And now, onto the news…

Death Becomes Him: What was supposed to be a routine stunt at the Great American Beach turned horribly tragic, and as a result, we lost one of the sport's greats. Although I haven't yet discovered the details of his funeral, I do plan on placing the following obituary in several community newspapers:

BURIER, Paul, January 5, 19something3 - June 27, 2004

Paul Burier, best known to his friends as "The Dead Man", finally lived up to his nickname the age of… something-one last week, dying peacefully in his sleep after a lengthy battle with being buried alive in a tomb of concrete.

Burier got his start in the business in Memphis, or Louisville, or Houston or one of the shitty little regional territories in the early-80's, competing under his real name Perry Pringle III, where he managed greats such as Ricky Rude and Jack Black Mulligan. He usually led them into battle against the Van Erich Brothers, who are also all dead. For that matter, Rude's dead, too. AND… did you know that Road Warrior Hog is no longer with us? True story!

Anyways, new life was breathed into his career (pun fully intended!!!) when the WWE hired him to manage The Classic Old-School Ordertaker. After trying out "gimmicky" names such as Mort Ishun, Kree Mator and Tom B. Stone, the WWF finally agreed on a name that carried with it an air of dignity and respect.

Using the power of his magical urn (which actually carried the ashes of Andrew The Giant - no joke!), Burier carried Ordertaker to some of his finest matches over the next decade.

Burier is survived by his two children; Ordertaker and The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, whom he got when he screwed around with The Ordertaker's Momma Sara. You know who else was born that way? The Returning Leeta's upcoming kid!!! It would have been his first grandchild - how about that? He may have also fathered The Executioner. And possibly Mordechai.

Paul, that is. Not Kain.

But now we'll never know.

Rest in peace, Paul Burier. Rest in peace forever!!! The world was richer for having known you.

Ohhhhhh Yessss!

Speaking of bad angles, was there a dry tear in the house this past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, during Kain's heartwarming interview with Good Ol' JR Ewing? The Dead Man told the world that all he wanted out of life was to settle down, marry a nice Jewish girl, have a family in a house with a white-picket fence and constantly chokeslam the paperboy.

And even though Mike Hardy Version OS X thinks he has a legitimate claim to the baby, he should probably give it up. This recent sonogram that The Returning Leeta sent me (using the obvious pseudonym of u8b4a5@ilg.com) proves that she has a Big Red Bun in the oven.

And what the HELL is going on with The Classic Old-School Ordertaker these days? First (14 years ago) he was a heel, then all of a sudden (a few years later) he was a face. THEN, he turns all goth (as a heel) when he ran The Corporation Ministry, and a year later we're supposed to take him back as a babyface because he got a goddam haircut and rides a bicycle? And THEN… he buries his manager/father in mud for no apparent reason? Attention Mark Callous (his real name; sorry to "expose the business" here, but I figured this was of a serious nature): PICK A SIDE AND STICK TO IT!!!

I have it on very good authority that Garrison Cake will be doing a new gimmick where he imitates Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels. First, he'll gather a group of friends backstage that will hold political power over everyone. Then, he'll refuse to job to Brad Hart and fake a knee injury instead of wrestling him. Then, he'll discover religion and pour out buckets of blood during every match. And it will be the best gimmick EVER!!!

Former 17-time Girls' champion and one-time Little Heavyweight champion Miss Jacquelyn was FIRED by WWE for failing a drug test!!! The former Mrs. Texas started out in the company as the valet for Marvelous Mike Mero, leading to a ***** feud with Sabel The Wild Cat and Goal Dust. Then she teamed up with Terri Reynolds and Shane Stasiak in the stable known as Pretty Mad Sisters, before finally settling into her role as occasional referee and opponent for Ivory for the next 11 years.

What I don't understand is how Vince MacMahon can live with canning her and keeping her husband Rodney Max. HOW CAN YOU SPLIT UP A FAMILY LIKE THAT, VINNIE? FIRST LOS GUERRERAS, AND NOW THIS!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and interview over the telephone the hardcore legend and author, Mick Farley. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript. To obtain a written copy of this transcript, please send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to:
Webmaster Rick Scherer 
Somewhere In Ohio

CB: Hello. Is this the best-selling author himself?
MF: Why yes, yes it is. But feel free to call me Bill. Or Mr. Clinton.
CB: I thought it was Mr. Socko?
MF: Hey, call me whatever you want, kid. It's cool. I'm just saying you don't have to refer to me as a former President...
CB: Wow! I'd forgotten all about that angle! When you used to have a makeshift office on, like, a tractor, and bang your gavel down…
MF: I thought only Janet Reno knew about that.....
CB: Anyways... this is Canadian Bulldog, and I just wanted to conduct an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with you.
MF: Canadian, huh? You know, I heard that your prime minister lied and cheated to get into office in that election this week.
CB: Eddie Guerrera is our prime minister?
MF: I… guess so…
CB: Way to go, Latin Heat!!! Question number one: What do you figure was the most hardcore moment in your career?
MF: Well, I guess the whole Oval Office thing with Monica (laughs)!
CB: (Laughs uncontrollably, then) I don't get it.
MF: No, but seriously, it would probably be when we developed a clear and consistent policy for…
CB: Question number two: who was your favorite tag team partner? Someone who you could always depend on to be in your corner? Was it Rocky Maivia? Or Al Shaw?
MF: Who? Do you mean Al Gore?
CB: GORE! GORE! GORE! Heh, heh, I love that move.
MF: Uh… you sure you wouldn't rather speak to Hilary instead?
CB: Perhaps later. Question number three: Do you think your career changed for the better after WCW fired your ass and your had to go to "New York"?
MF: Well, we moved to New York after my political career was really over…
CB: Don't get me started on backstage politics, what with Triple HHH holding everyone down and everything…
MF: Rrrright. Say, kid: did you want to ask me any questions about my book?
CB: Not really, no.
MF: Oh…
CB: Yeah.
MF: So… uh… what else?
CB: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!! (hangs up)
MF: Have a nice day.

So after the Secret Service people came over to my house, they all realized that I was just an Intrepid Journalist doing my job, and completely dropped the charges. By the way, next week, I plan to have an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with George "The Animal" W. Bush.

Finally, let's go to The Dog Pound™, where you can submit your questions and try to "Stump the Chump" (you can also order EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED merchandise!!!):

Q: What do you think of Bradshaw as champion?
A: Much like champions before him such as Bruno Santamartina, Pedro Gonzales and Bret The Heart, Breadshaw will have to prove himself to the critics, after acting like a Nazi in Germany recently. For example, it took Santamartina 11 years for the fans to forget about the time that he impersonated a Nazi.

Q: How long do you think it will be before Eugene wins "the big one"?
A: The Super Bowl? Probably never!

Q: What matches do you expect for Vengeance?
A: Thanks for the compliment. I would expect several.

Q: What did you think of TNA's second anniversary?
A: The traditional gift for a second-year anniversary is something cotton, and what could be better than a beautiful cotton ITR World Order T-Shirt? This yellow printed shirt is a fashionable blend of cotton, polyester and marshmallows, and is perfect for lounging around the house, going to a wedding, or just for a formal night out. A STEAL at only $16.99 (suggested retail price; some retailers may sell for less).

That about does it for this week. For any questions, comments or suggestions that you may have, send them to:
Webmaster Rick Scherer
Somewhere In Ohio


Or you can email them to bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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