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INSIDE THE ROPES    
To Know the Man, 
You Gotta Read About the Man! 

July 8, 2003

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Mean - Whoo - By Gawd - Gene! You're talking to - Whoo - the dirtiest player in the game! I'm gonna walk that aisle - Whoo - and style - Whoo - and profile! Whoo! To be the man - Whoo - you've got to beat the man! And that man - Whoo - is the Lear Jet flyin', limousine ridin', wheelin', dealin' - Whoo - kiss-stealing - son of a gun! And whether you like it or not, Schiavone - Whoo - you better learn to love it - Whoo - because it's the best thing going today - Whoo! Diamonds are forever, and so is Ric Flair. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!" 
         -- Nature Guy Ricky Flare, numerous occasions.

I couldn't have put it better myself. Welcome, everyone, to a VERY SPECIAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog - Internet legend, borderline journalist and entrepreneur extraordinaire.

This week, we take a VERY SPECIAL look at the aforementioned "Nature Guy", whose autobiography I Took Your Old Lady For A Ride On Space Mountain, Fatboy (with a foreword by Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking), hits bookshelves everywhere next year.

The man's legacy on this great and not-at-all-phony business cannot be questioned. He is unquestionably the greatest wrestler ever to slip on a pair of baby-blue boots that have the letters "RF" on them.

For example, did you know that you can link ANY wrestler in history to The Nature Guy within six degrees of separation? It's true!!! Here are just a few examples:

Rick Flare to Crash Hardy

(1) Flare once wrestled Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels.
(2) McMichaels never once teamed with Crash Hardy.
(3) But Hardwood Holly often did.
(4) Hardwood Holly sometimes beats up kids on the show Tuff Enuff.
(5) Flare sometimes beats up his own kid.

Here's another one:

Rick Flare to Triple HHH

(1) Flare once wrestled Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels.
(2) Who is best friends with -- you guessed it - Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash!
(3) Nash once wrestled as "Vinnie Las Vegas".
(4) He often teamed with DPP, Simon Diamond Page.
(5) Page isn't from Las Vegas, but he sure knows how to gamble (see his house of cards tattoo for bonafide proof!).
(6) Triple HHH has also wrestled in Las Vegas.

So please join me while we take a VERY SPECIAL and HIGHLY ILLUSTRATED look at the immortal's one legendary career:

October 24, 1929 -- Ricky Flare is born (at the time, nicknamed "Little Naitch") in Charlotte, North South Carolina, to his proud parents, Mr. and Mrs. Flare.

October 1930 -- His first word is "Whoo!" Followed closely by "Walk that aisle". And then "Stinger".

October 1950 -- The youngster enrolls in a wrestling camp taught by AWWA legend Vern Gagnon, where Flare tests his mettle against guys like Stanislaus Zybszko, Lou Thez, George Hackenschmidt, Nick Brockwinkler, and Moses.

October 1962 -- To get his gimmick "over", Flare dyes his red locks light blond. To this day, you can still see his hair revert back to its original color whenever Flare cuts himself open.

October 1977 -- On what was known as "The Flight From Hell", Flare's jet crashes over North South Carolina, in the process injuring Flare, Mr. Wrestling II (real name: Don Wrestling II) and Greg The Hammer Valentine Senior, and killing Richie Valens, Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper.

October 1983 -- In the main event of wrestling's first supercard, Starrrcaddde 1, Flare upended Handsome Harvey Race to win his first of 17 NWA:TNA World Heavyweight Titles.

October 1984 -- Flare takes on all the top challenges of the era, including Dustey Roads, Road Warrior Hog, Ricky Moron, Nikolai Koloff and "Magnum T.A." Tom Selleck. He wins and loses these important bouts.

October 1986 -- Tired of playing backstage politics with guys like Ollie Anderson, Dustey Roads and Triple HHH, Flare decides to protect himself by forming his own stable, known hereafter as The Forty Horseman. The initial crew was Flare, Television and Radio Champion Telly Blanchard and real-life twin brothers Ollie Anderson and "Enforcer" Erin Anderson.

October 1987 to Present -- Later incarnations of the Horses include, but are not limited to: Barry Wind 'Em, The Team Package Lex Larry Lugar, Sid Nutritious, Jeff "Buffed" Bagwell, Double Jeff Jarrod, Paul Romeo, Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah, Dean "The Great" Milenko, Women, Mrs. Elizabeth, Deborah MacMichaels, Stink, Brutus The Beefcake, Sir Perfect and Steve "Wahoo" McMichaels. They were managed by Jimmie "J.J." Dillon, who would often quip: "The Horsemen are DY-NO-MITE!!!"

October 1988 -- To show up Vince MacMahon's annual Surviving Series PPV, the NWA decides to give us a match between Flare and The Man They Used To Call Sting on FREE TELEVISION!!! The two wrestle to a classic 405-minute draw, and no one ever watches WWF wrestling ever again.

October 1989 -- Flare takes over as "booker" of the NWA "territory," and in his first act of "power", he "fires" a young Mick Farley (who was wrestling under a mask as Cactus Jerk) because he couldn't "work" "main event" "style". Flare also "programs" himself into a "feud" with the "returning" Ricky The Steamboat. The two engage in a series of boring ** "matches".

October 1990 -- In order to get revenge on Stink for something that he'd done to Flare in California years earlier, "Sick Rick" wrestles under a "hood" as 2 Cold Black Scorpion. Scorp shows Stink why he should fear him because of his numerous magic tricks. He's eventually revealed as the man behind the mask at Starrrcade 1990 and is forced to leave the sport forever.

…OR WAS HE???????

October 1991 -- No, he wasn't. After turning back the tough challenges of Lex Larry Lugar, "Beautiful" Bubba Eaton, El Gigantic and Tatsunumi Fujinami Kawasaki Hirohito Kenzonoki Suzuki, Flare gets mad at WCW executive Jim Hard. Apparently, the front office wants him to dye his hair, wear earrings, a dress and pantyhose and repackage him as "Esmerelda The Dancing Wrestleress". Flare refuses and debuts a much more masculine look for Vince MacMahon's WWWF:

October 1992 -- In his debut match, Flare wins The Regal Rumble PPV, setting a new record by lasting 100 hours against some of the WWF's greatest (Elle Matador, Bad Boss Man, Repair Man, etc.). The record is later eclipsed by Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, who doesn't last nearly as long, but throws more people out of the ring.

October(ish) 1992 -- Flare shows off revealing pictures of him having sex with Mrs. Elizabeth, the deceased wife of Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage. Elizabeth dies (years later, from a totally separate matter).

October 1993 -- Flare is forced to leave the WWWF (probably because of the 'roids) and with no choice, he returns to the former NWA group, now known as WCW. Then…

WHAT??? HE WASN'T FORCED TO LEAVE? THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE GO BACK?

Anyways… uh, Flare returns to host a talk show known as Flare Of The Gold, where "Enforcer" Erin Anderson sits on a barstool and drinks himself silly every night. He also had a love affair with his maid Fifi (not to be confused with the current Fifi The French Bitch character currently managing Robbie Dupree). And maybe an affair with Misty Hyatt.

Flare, that is; not Dupree.

Although… maybe both of them did.

Hell, the dog may have even been involved with Misty at one point.

October 1994 -- In order to boost the ratings for WCW, Flare helps sign the biggest name in the business at the time to work an angle with him. Together, the duo of Flare and Sexy Sherri are unstoppable!!!

They eventually feud with WWF reject Hal Kogan at the annual Bash At The Bash PPV.

October 1998 -- WCW announcer Eric Bischov suspends Flare because he skipped a taping of Monday Night Ro to attend a different amateur wrestling show - his son's tournament (which also scored better in the Neilson ratings that week! True story!!!).

Flare returns on an emotional episode of Night Ro and yells "Abuse of power! You suck! I hate your guts! You are a liar, you're a cheat, you're a scam! You are a no good son of a bitch! Fire me! I'm already fired! Fire me! I'm already fired! We've got the right to choose it; there ain't no way we'll lose it! This is our life; this is our song! We'll fight the powers that be; just don't pick our destiny - WHOO! - you don't know us, you don't belong!"

Then the other Horsemen joined in: "We're not gonna take it! No! We ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it, anymore!"

October 1999 -- Flare "shocks the world" by running for and winning the gubernatorial race in North South Carolina.

October 2000 -- Flare becomes WCW Commissioner, then President, then CEO. Then he's admitted into an insane asylum, only the second WCW figurehead in history to make that distinction.

October 2001 -- About a month from now, Flare does something he swears he'll never do: join the WWF. He uses the money he made from selling the Big Gold Belt to buy Shane MacMahon's half of the WWF parent company Trojan Sports.

October 2002 -- Making the same mistake that top executives including Jack Welch, Lee Iacocca and Donald Trump made before him, Flare agrees to put his half of the company on the line in a wrestling match.

Had he been in the ring against a normal competitor, he'd probably still be the owner today. But he didn't reckon that he'd have to face one Vince MacMahon, and promptly lost the match.

October 2003 -- Tired of playing backstage politics with guys like Triple HHH, Good Old JR Ewing and Dustey Roads, Flare decides to protect himself by forming his own stable, known hereafter as Revolution. The initial group includes Flare, Triple HHH, "Lund Killer" Randy Orson and Deacon Bautista

October 2004 -- Hasn't happened yet.

July 2004 -- Taking on the top talent of the era, such as The Eugenius and Takajiri, Flare proves he can still perform with the best of them. Which brings us up to present day.

Present Day - A high of 82 degrees Fahrenheit today, partly cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms overnight.

That about does it for - WHOO! - this week. Remember, if you have any questions - WHOO! - comments, or suggestions - be sure to e-mail me - WHOO! - at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember - WHOO! - if you heard it here first, it's - WHOO! - Inside The Ropes.
 

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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