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More Letters, Peanuthead, Eugene
Stardust, and Lots More HOT NEWZ~! 

August 5, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"I am… that… darn… good." 
     -- Triple HHH, numerous occasions.

Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, known to many as the toughest S.O.B. in the IWC (Prove me wrong, Ryder!). We have a ton to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

According to his new book To Beat The Man, whom does Nature Guy Ricky Flare hate the most:

(A) Mick Farley
(B) Bert "Hate Man" Heart
(C) Robocop
(D) Scott Keeth
(E) Yes

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. And here are the results from my most recent poll:

What was your favorite part of The Great American Beach?

(A) When JLB finally fulfilled his legacy - 14 %
(B) The hilarious Diva segment - 1 %
(C) The OTHER hilarious Diva segment - 48 %
(D) You mean the 1989 version, right? RIGHT? - 25 %
(E) Yes - 8 %

By the way, the kids who run BulldogZone (e.g. Johnny ITR) have been working overtime to bring you some new EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED, QUALITY items. For example, check out this new T-shirt, or this lovely beer stein, or perhaps this high-quality button. While I don't personally stand behind the quality of these

products, I'm sure someone, somewhere, might.

And now, onto the news…

This just in: Smack! Down no longer sucks!!! Because Vince MacMahon probably reads the Internet religiously, he realized that a show with Justin "Mr. J.L." Breadshaw as champion and the total lack of a push for The Ultimate Dragon didn't cut it anymore. So he installed former referee and host of WCW Power Hour T.D. Long to take charge.

Can the "Peanut Head" single-handedly turn things around? BANK ON IT!!!

What in the BLUE HELL has gotten in between former best friends Triple HHH and Mean Eugene? For weeks, these two were as close as Hal Kogan and Matzoh Man Randy Sewage, but then tension ruined the friendship!!! So much for the proposed super-group Eugenevolution (or, if you prefer, Evolugene).

Here's hoping these two crazy kids can put their differences aside and continue to eat up every last minute of television time on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw.

DID YOU KNOW?: Because Andrew The French Giant was billed as being 8 feet tall and over 600 pounds during his prime, he needed a special car to transport him everywhere. The original owner of the WWWWF, Vince MacMahon Classic, had to build Andrew a custom-made, six-story high truck with fourteen wheels and a specially-formulated 2,000,000 horsepower engine!!! (Thanks to ITR reader completelyfakealias@yahoo.com for submitting this week's 'Did You Know?'.)

The way things are going, SummerShow is shaping up to be the biggest paper-view spectacular for the entire month of August!!! Not only will we see an encounter between The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To and JLB that has ***** classic written all over it, but we're guaranteed to see Crippler Chris Benwah fight Someone.

Do you remember The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor? Good, because the former wrestler has signed with Minnesota!!! Apparently, he was traded from Boston along with shortstop Nomar Garceaciracrapparia for pitcher Randy Jackson and a wrestler to be named later. Here's hoping Lesnor can lift The Twins from their current fielding woes.

Could we be seeing Stoned Cold Steve Austen back in the WWE by the end of September? Nope.

Speaking of Eugene (a few paragraphs ago), I have just finished work on his new THEME SONG!!! While WWE musician Jim Jackson hasn't officially given the song a "green light", I'm sure that's just a formality. The song is to the tune of David Bowie's Blue Jean:

(Written by Bowie/Bulldog/Ray Parker Junior, copyright 2004)

Eugene, I just met a wrestler named Eugene
Eugene, his name is mentioned every three minutes
Remember - he always shows up when you don't need him
Oh, Eugene, I don't think you're that Special after all

His jacket's inside-out
He's got messed-up hair

Sometimes I feel like
(ohhh… here he comes again)
There's too much Eugene
(ohhh… he already fought tonight)
Eugene can stop now
(ohhh… we'd rather watch Rosey)
Somebody stop this!
(ohhh… or even the Diva search)

One day, I'm gonna write the wrestling folks a letter
One day, we're all gonna write Vinnie Mac together
Remember -- 'Ban The DDT' and 'Get Well Matilda'?
Eugene, this is gonna make that look like nothin'

He's chewing his thumb again
Soon he'll be Champ-ion

Sometimes I feel like
(ohhh… SmackDown ain't really that bad)
Enough with Eugene!
(ohhh… what time's Velocity on?)
Eugene upsets me
(ohhh… I now miss Thunder too)
Somebody stop him
(ohhh… Eric, we're looking at you!)

Sometimes I feel like
(ohhh… look, there he is again)
Where's his DVD set?
(ohhh… at least three discs, please)
Eugene upsets me
(ohhh… he just became a McMahon) Somebody stop this!

(ohhh… he's now on SmackDown too)

(repeat till fade)

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and have a conversation over the telephone with Sabel The Wild Cat. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which you may not even READ until you have e-mailed Webmaster Rick Scherer repeatedly.

S: Hello, thank you for calling the Saber Reservation Network. How may I help you?
CB: You mean I need I reservation just to speak with her???
S: Speak with whom?
CB: You know… the diva.
S: You mean that b***h Shirley in accounting?
CB: Yes. Yes, I do.
S: (one moment please)

S: Accounting…
CB: Geez, you sure took long enough to answer my call!
S: I'm sorry?
CB: Don't worry about it. It's water under the bridge.
S: Oookay… So, uh, how may I help you?
CB: Question number one: Why can't you stay with just one man?
S: I… er, don't know what you mean…
CB: LIKE HELL YOU DON'T!!! First, it was Hunter Harry Helmsley, then Wild Child Mike Mero, then The Oddities, then Vince MacMahon and now Brock Lesnor. Maybe you should make up your freaking mind!!!
S: Oddities?
CB: It makes me sick just thinking about how you used them to further your own career…
S: Look, hon, sure I've been with my fair share of men, but that's none of your business.
S: No, it's not.
(awkward pause)
CB: So… uh, you doing anything on Friday night?
S: (annoyed for some reason) I don't think so!

If there's anyone out there that you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. No reasonable requests refused.

Finally… as you all know by now, ratings for my "Dog Pound" Q&A-style-feature have been at their lowest level in months lately (although, they did show a spike during the Eugene segment, according to onewrestling.com). So I've decided to scrap the feature for the time being to bring you some of my award-winning

Letters From A Nut

Now, unlike the last two ITR columns, the recipients of these e-mails were TOO FUCKING CHICKEN to respond. Still, I thought it would be good to have it on the public record:

Dear Pal London

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was supposed to face you on one of the early ROH shows, before I had to cancel out because of a wedding. I am finally arriving in "the big time!". After tons of phone calls and messages to that loser Johnny Ace, they're letting me work a tryout match the next time SmackDown is in Detroit. I'm supposed to be working with our old friend Jeb Tennyson Lund, though who knows if things will get changed between now and then? 

My question: I've heard a lot about "locker room etiquette" and the last thing I want to do is piss off a guy like The Undertaker, even before I've had a chance to impress him. 

So I want to know: 

(A) Should I bring baked goods, such as brownies or krispie squares, to the locker room for the other boys? Or is that sucking up too much? 
(B) Is there anybody I'm NOT supposed to shake hands with? I've heard that Noonzio is all anal-retentive about stuff like that, but I'm not sure if there's anyone else I should be avoiding? 
(C) Is it a bad thing or a good thing to be pitching suggestions to Vince MacMahon before I'm hired? (officially hired, that is). 
(D) Can I bring a date? Probably not, huh? It's just that my girlfriend is a huge Scotty The Hotty mark. 
(E) Should I blade during my match with Jeb? I know Ace said to leave that shit at home, but I REALLY want to impress them with how well I can bleed and just generally work.

Thank you very much for your time, Paul. Getting advice from a WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION (mazel tov, by the way!) such as yourself would be tremendous. 

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Chris Canyon

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) We thumb-wrestled on the set of "Ready To Rumble". I am putting together a documentary about the seedy world of professional wrestling. You know the deal --- bodies being pushed to "raise the bar", rampant use of drugs like steroids, cocaine and dexatrim, plus the constant criticism by fans on the Internet. We want to document this, and we want YOU to do all the stunts! Are you interested? 

The first scene would be set in Japan (actually, a high school gym in White Plains, New York; who the hell's going to know the difference?) where we show a "hardcore" exploding ring match. You would play Terry Funk in a match against Mr. Pogo (played by Stuart Stone of My Pet Monster and Donnie Darko fame). I'm not sure exactly HOW the ring would explode, but that's what I pay special effects people for. 

Questions: can you absorb items like thumbtacks, glass, barbed wire, etc. in your skin? Should we be using props instead? I'm fairly new to the business, so I just don't know how it's done. But the exploding ring trick will be just phenomenal!!! Please let me know if your schedule allows this ASAP. We want to be out in time for Oscar consideration (who doesn't?). 

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

By the way, next week will mark my one-year anniversary writing this piece of shit innovative column for Oldline Onslut.

What kind of festivities will follow? What kind of guest celebrities may stop by? Will I get many congratulatory e-mails in between now and then, which could be sent via bulldog@onlineonslaught.com (not bloody likely)? How many people will buy my crappy merchandise because they've been shamed into it? Tune in next week to find out! And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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