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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The First Anniversary Spectacular~! 

August 12, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I practice the three I's -- Intesgrity, Intertelligence, and Inside The Ropes. Oh, that's true; that's true. I suck!" 
      -- Kur Tangle, 1982.

Welcome, everyone, to an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY CELEBRATORY edition of Inside The Ropes, the only column on the Internet that answers the age-old question "WHAT?"

I'm Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a lot to get to this week. But first…

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

That's right. It has been (almost) ONE ENTIRE YEAR since Canadian Bulldog began gracing the pages of Oldline Onslut. It seems like just yesterday that I was e-mailing OOO's fearless webmaster Rick Scherer. Actually, it was just yesterday, but that was on a different matter.

Would he take a chance on a young 

sexy punk who didn't know the first thing about the so-called circled square? Would he allow a fresh, sexy, new voice to be heard on his otherwise boring (sorry, Jeb) website? What would he say when he was presented with the opportunity to play home to the innovative and sexy Inside The Ropes column?

"Fuck you, asshole."

He also said something about his last name not being Scherer, so I knew he was just kidding around.

After approximately 37 similar e-mails and the promise of free Animal Pornography, The Rick finally relented and the rest, as they say, is history.

Here's what but a handful of comments from the people whose lives were changed by this very column:

  • "Quite frankly, we here at World Wrestling Entertainment attribute the success of this column to you, the millions of World Wrestling Entertainment fans worldwide. And quite frankly, we know what the fans of World Wrestling Entertainment want, better than the fans of World Wrestling Entertainment themselves do. And quite frankly, if you don't like it, pal, then perhaps we can settle it tonight… in this very ring. Screw you, Austin. You're firrrrrrrrrrred! Quite frankly."
  • "Dear Canadian_Bulldo: Make money work for you! Quit your day job! Introducing the largest ALL-CASH business in the world, with an average success rate of 90%! Don't delay, send away for more information today!"
  • "Canadian Bulldog is becoming quite a hoss from where I sit. We could be taking a closer look a him if he starts losing some weight, bah gawd!"
  • "B3st de8ls oN g3n3r3ic v1A&ARA anyw^ere. Improv# y0ur s6x driv3 1,000,000,000,000 p3rec3nt, g^rant33d!"
  • "A lot of the hip kidz on the Internet don't realize this, but it was me who f****n' invented the Canadian Bull-Dawg character. But the stupid a******s who ran WCW didn't let me f*****in' go anywhere with the f*****n' character. So I had to play f****in' politics forever with the b*****t suits at Turner, and that's the story of why WCW never eclipsed Vince McMahon in the f*****n' ratings."

There are way too many people to thank for the success of the Pulitzer-award-winning ITR since it was first launched on this site. So I won't thank any of them.

And now, onto the news…

As you all know by now unless you're the biggest fucking bunch of idiots around, the WWE's SuperSlam PPV is just nine days away, and it takes place in the Canadian Bulldog's backyard in Toronto!

Unfortunately, because of potential fire-hazard violations, WWE organizers have moved it out of my backyard and will stage it at the nearby Oh Canada Centre instead. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you can expect:

MAIN EVENT
The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To Vs. Justin "Mr. J.L." Breadshaw
Caribbean Strap Match
I've died and gone to workrate heaven!!! While no can forecast something as unpredictable as the outcome of a professional wrestling match, I'd have to definitely say that JLB wins it here via clean pinfall.

MAIN EVENT
Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. "Lund Killer" Randy Orson
Loser Leaves Town
For years, people have said the fourth-generation Orson has been passed over for title opportunities. Finally, he will get his chance at the paper-view! Will the third-generation Benwah get the upper-hand, or will there be interference by the sixth-generation star Nature Guy Ricky Flare? BANK ON IT!!!

MAIN EVENT
Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Workstations Vs. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
Loser Must Get Married; Winner Must Die
With the lovely Returning Leeta appearing in a neutral corner, this should be one of the most evenly-fought contests of the year!!!

MAIN EVENT
Roy Mysterio Junior, Pal London and Billy The Kid-Sized Man Vs. The Dudley Brotherz
Dog Collar and Chain Match
Look for team of to come out on top!!!

MAIN EVENT
ThEdge Vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Vs. Deacon Bautista
Fatal Four Way
There's lots of underlying jealousy and sexual tension between these three gladiators. The winner of this match will probably be the first man to score the pinfall or get the submission.

MAIN EVENT
Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera Vs. Kur Tangle
Bunkhouse Brawl
Look for this match to be a rerun of their ******* classic at WrestelMania XXX. Except that back then, they knew this match was going to happen and they filmed an alternate ending that was supposed to appear on the DVD, but instead you get to see it happen LIVE!!!

Triple HHH Vs. Mean Eugene
Coal Miner's Glove Match
Who would have thought a simple alliance between two best friends would have turned into something so shocking? No one, that's who. Expect The Eugenius to easily pin The Criminal Assassin in less than 30 seconds, and go on to win the Raw World Title 19 times between now and March.

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the telephone to, arguably, one of wrestling's biggest stars. He was the main attraction during the Rock and Wrestling era, and then went onto even greater success in the movie industry. Years later, and the muscular man from Venice Beach, California isn't showing ANY signs of slowing down.

What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript. For a written copy of this transcript, call 1-900-909-9900. Kids, get your parents permission first.

CB: Hello, is this Hulk?
HH: HULLLLLLKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: let's cut through the bullshit once and for all and ask the question every fan is dying to know. Have you ever taken steroids?
HH: GROARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
CB: Fair enough. Question number two: How do you respond to allegations that you held back people such as Ricky The Steamboat, Nature Guy Ricky Flare and Bruno Santamartina?
HH: HULK SMASH!!!!!!
CB: So you're saying you broke, or "smashed" the glass ceiling?
HH: RRRRROARRRR!!!!
CB: I hear ya. Question number three: How did you come up with the nickname "Hulk"? Was it patterned after anyone in particular?
HH: BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!.
CB: Fascinating. Question number fo…
HH: HULK MADDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CB: Hey, take it easy. I was doing my job as a borderline journalist and…
HH: AAARRRRR!!!! SMASH!!!!
CB: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone).

Geez, the guy used to be so nice on television… what a split personality! Anyways, if there's anyone you're looking for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  Kids, get your parents permission first.

And finally, let's kick off things with one of my favorite (to date) of something I like to call:

Letters From A Nut


Dear The Road Warriors,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I had you autograph my LOD action figures once. 

My question: I am (finally!) getting into the wrestling promotion business. We will be putting on our first "Super Show" in October, and we want you guys to have the honor of becoming our FIRST tag team champions! 

Here's how it will go down: There will be four teams in our promotion. Instead of holding a lengthy and cumbersome tournament, our group's "commissioner" (me; don't tell anyone!) will hand out BINGO cards to all four teams. The first team to win 'BINGO' will become the champions. Don't worry; it's all a work. The Harlem Headbangers will be the first to score (either an 'X' or 'four corners'; haven't decided yet. Do you guys have any preferences?), but then you'll steal their BINGO card when they're not looking. So what do you think? It won't even require actual wrestling! And you'll forever be known as the world's first WWF, NWA, AWA, Japan and Canadian Hardcore Wrestling Federation tag team champions. It would only add to your immortality. 

Please let me know ASAP. I really would rather "shell out" for LOD than the Rock and Roll Express.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Bulldog, are you doing the event in Octobet or Not? I need to know if you want to use me for it. Please reply as soon as possible.
Joe
Animal

ww.roadwarriorsinc.com

 
Dear The Road Warriors,

Yes -- our super show is still taking place in October (Sunday, October 24th, to be precise, with a bell time of 7 p.m.). We are SO THRILLED that the legendary Road Warriors will be able to attend!!! I will begin an advertising campaign in the papers here ASAP. Will you be able to stay for the post-event barbeque as well? 

Here is a tentative lineup for who we've got signed so far: 

MAIN EVENT - FOUR CORNERS BINGO GAME TO DETERMINE CANADIAN HARDCORE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS 
The Road Warriors Vs. Harlem Headbangers Vs. The "New" Can-Am Connection (managed by Stuart Stone) Vs. Jeb Lund & Matt Hocking
 

STREETFIGHT - ANYTHING GOES! 
Johnny ITR Vs. Top Ten Pro
 

SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH 
"Web Master" Rick Scherer Vs. Boris The Wrestling Bear

ELIMINATION CHAMBER* 
Kamala III Vs. Canadian Bulldog Vs. Jerry "The King" Lawyer Vs. Gimmick Man
 

* -- not the real one Look forward to seeing you guys there. Please let me know if you need directions to the arena, etc.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Bulldog, you do know that Hawk Passed Away in November don't yo?

I do want to do your show though in a Tag manner you can put me any way you want. How about if I do not Wrestle I become your special referee for Lawlers match, it is just an idea. right now I am open that Sunday so let me know asap. 

We also have to agree on the financial end too. E-mail me back and let me know. I have been averaging 1500-2000 an event let me know what we can workout. 

I am all over the TV lately with the new WWE series dolls coming out for Christmass and our book deal as well as Legends 3 that just came out, so I am all over the stores and media. It all helps I wil do any advertising you need to do also. 

Thanks and let me know what is going on. 

Animal
(PHONE NUMBER WITHHELD)
 

Dear Aminal,

Hawk.... passed away???? I am SO sorry. I had no idea this had happened. When? My condolences to the entire Hawk family. Was it from Spongiform Encephalopathy? (the disease that my uncle recently succumbed to; that's why I ask). 

It's strange; in your first e-mail when you signed it "Sincerely, Joe, Animal" I thought that Hawk's new ring name was "Joe" or something like that. I guess I was very wrong. In a bad way. I am going to go back to my board of directors ASAP and figure out what we can do about this. Because we had been advertising (sorry) a Road Warriors reunion on our website, I guess we should take that off right away. That would just be in poor taste. Let me get back to you and see what the Board of Directors want to do about this.

Again, my apologies and deepest condolences. 

Canadian Bulldog

Reply:
Just as long as you kep me on the event to make the fans happy and it shows credibility on both parties.

Animal
 

Dear Legion of Doom Animal,

Bad news to report.

I held an emergency board meeting last night and explained to them the situation. They're all a bunch of money marks, so unfortunately, they hadn't heard about Hawk either. But then... they start throwing a bunch of replacement partners up in the air to team with YOU: Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Kamala III, The Hammer, Jeb Lund, etc... 

So I tell them that unless you and I are going to team up, they can forget it!!! So for no reason at all, these morons kick ME off the board. After everything I've done to put this company on the map, they just spit in my face. Not literally, of course. I have never been so embarassed in my life. I've quit the company, even though there was talk I would eventually end up with the championship. To guys like you and me, there are things that are more important than titles and big pay-days; am I right? 

If you want to negotiate with them separately, I won't be offended. But I'd stay clear of them, if I were you. This supershow is shaping up to be a disaster. All this talk of their "Online Onslaught" PPV in January is a bunch of bunk, if you ask me. 

Anyways, thanks again for all your help, Animal. I'm truly sorry if this interfered with any of your booking plans or anything. 

All the best, 
Canadian Bulldog
 


That about does it for this week. Thanks again for making ITR the most read column on the Internet. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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