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Before He Was Immortal, Poffonomics,
and a Big Ol' Slice of 1985

September 2, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Note to Webmaster Rick Scherer:

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Unfortunately, I'm going to be tied up this week, flying down to Grease to catch the Summer Olympics (not competing, though. At least not this year.)

But don't worry - I'm not going to leave you and the millions (AND MILLIONS) of Canadian Bulldog's fans high and dry. I've enclosed a Retro ITR. But not just ANY old Retro ITR - this is actually the first edition I ever penned!!!

Enjoy the column, and here's hoping the Canadian Olympic Team lives up to their expectations once again.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Originally published May 15, 1985
Inside The Ropes:
Ten Reasons Why Hulk-O-Mania Will Never Die!!!

Welcome, everyone, to another the first edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, also known as the president of the local Howard Jones Fan Club. We've got a ton of EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED news to get to this week, so let's hop right to it:

With the WWWF's first and only Wrestel Mania now in the history books, company officials are looking for a way to follow up on their success. Look for Junk Yard Doug to make a run at the tag team championships with his NEW partner, television star Mister Tee (Three's Company). As well, there's talk that pop singer extraordinaire

Cindy Lopper will turn on her protégé, women's champion Andy Richter for a shot at the prestigious pink belt.

This just in: It's obvious to everyone, such as announcer Gorilla Manson, that Hal Kogan has "guts personified" and the "intestinal fortitude" to become the very best in the WWF, "the Rolls Royce of sports entertainment".

Now that Paula Ortondorff has turned on Rod Roddy Piper, can The Hulkstor trust "Mr. Onedurful"? BANK ON IT!!!

And how can you excuse the actions of bodyguard Bob "Ass" Orton, interfering during every one of Piper's matches? My pen pal in Florida, Jeb Tennessee Lung, just hates this guy!!! If you happen to go to a WWF arena show, make sure you carry a sign that says "Bob Orton Fears Jeb".

The blood feud between "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare and "The American Pie" Dustey Roads shows no signs of letting up, over in that minor league NWA territory. These days, Flare has a band of goons with him including Olley Anderson, Enforcer Erin Anderson and Tulley Bleachard protecting him every step of the way. Someone needs to punish Flare for this; perhaps by making him wrestle for the next 19 years or so.

Every week on WWF Wrestling Challenge, "Leapin'" Larry Poffo delights us with his unique little poems. To return the favor, I've written a poem about The Leapin' One:

Word Life
This is Basic Poffonomics
Word Life
I'm a jobber and I'm forcing you to beat me
Word Life
This is Basic Poffonomics
At the starting of the match, I'm gonna throw ya out mah Frisbee

Word Life
This is Basic Poffonomics
Word Life
You don't even have to cheat to pin me
Word Life
This is Basic Poffonomics
I couldn't even get a win over freaking Tiger Chung Lee

Is it just me, or will Mean Jean Okerfeld soon regret his decision to leave a plum announcing job in the AWA? Sure, he's getting some decent television time now, but he could have had a lucrative toy endorsement deal had he stayed with the Minnesota-based promotion.

Speaking of "the wrestling company that never dies", a new team known as The Midnight Rock and Rollers has invaded the company and look set to take over. These guys are more exciting than the Rubix Cube and Q*Bert combined!!!

While one member of the team, Sean McMichaels, is only just okay, his partner Mary Janetty is the next big star in this sport. Warning to tag team champions Playguy Buddy Rose (w/ Webmaster Kurt) and Doug Summers: your reign of terror is almost over!!!

Those Hal-Ko-Mania T-shirts sure are trendy right now, but how about wearing one of these babies instead?

Wrestlers… singing? It's true -- as someone may start saying a couple of decades from now -- it's damn true.

The new Wrestling Album is out on vinyl and eight-track EVERYWHERE these days, and it's quite a dandy. Among the songs that will probably hit number one with a bullet:

  • A remake of the Sha-Na-Na classic "Na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na na na na, na na na na" featuring the entire company.
  • Junk Yard Doug and Vickie Sue Lawrence's soulful ballad "Grab That Ass".
  • "Real American Woman", a tribute to the late Barry Wind' Em and Mike Rotundoa by rocker Rick Schereringer.
  • Manager Captain Lou Albino's hip-hop classic "The Life And Times of Captain Lou Albino", featuring Greg The Aminal Steel on drums. If anyone ever had any doubts that Captain Lou could sing…
  • The Iran Sheik's stirring rendition of the Russian national anthem "Caramilk Mia".
  • Manager Jim E. Hart's original hit "Eat Your Heart Out, Bruce Springsteen".

There's also plenty of Witty Banter in between the songs, featuring announcers Mean Jean, Vince MacMahon and Jerry "The Body" Ventura. After playing this album at least 300 times over the past week (the poster it came with has even replaced my Culture Club one), I have to say that I smell a Grammy for this LP.

Or at the very least, a Slammy.

Whatever the hell that is.

Who are these Road Worriers guys I keep hearing stuff about?

Fashion note: Andrew The French Giant looks SO much better since getting his hair cut. Instead of being vilified for their actions, Bobby The Brian Heenen, Big Josh Stud and Ken Pettera should receive a medal for their efforts in hairstyling!!!

Is it just me, or would working for the Pro Wrestling Illustrated family of magazines be a living hell? Sure, it would be great to take pictures of guys like Tony Atlas and Tommy Rich for their Capsule Profiles, but could you imagine having to listen to the biased and insane ramblings of Eddie Ellner? How Matt Brock, Liz Hunter and Stuart M. Saks can put up with him every day is a mystery to me!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down over the telephone and chat with Magnificent Morrocco, occasional wrestler and more importantly, the star of such shows as "Fuji Vice", "Fuji Hospital", "Fuji Bandito", "All In The Fuji", "Fuji Ties", "Fuji Brewster" and "I Love Fuji". What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Hello, is this Mr. Fuji?
DM: No. You're way off.
CB: Oops, I mean is this Don Morrocco?
DM: No, this is Dan Marino.
CB: Close enough. Question number one: how does it feel to be so close to the championship, yet so far away?
DM: Well, we did win it in 1983.
CB: I'm not talking about the International Title.
DM: Uh… either am I. If you mean personal achievements, I was the most valuable player last year.
CB: True enough, Don, but the PWI Awards don't win you championships.
DM: The… what? And I'm not Don!
CB: Thanks for the compliment. Question number two: don't you think the Asiatic Spike should be banned?
DM: Uh… sure. Anything to improve the quality of the game, I guess.
CB: Question number three: Why did you hang Ricky The Steamboat with your karate belt and suffocate him to death?
DM: I did no such thing.
CB: I beg to differ, Don, but according to the footage on Saturday Night Live's Main Event, you did.
DM: Okay, look. I am not Don Morrocco. And his name is spelt Muraco, anyways.
CB: You're not?
DM: No, I keep telling you. I'm Dan Marino. Of The Miami Dolphins. At least, I think I was with the Dolphins at this point in my career.
CB: One of us should probably check nfl.com for that.
DM: Wouldn't be a bad idea….
CB: So, wait, I… dialed the wrong number? And still tried to interview you?
DM: Afraid so.
CB: Well, mark my words. I'll never let THAT happen again!!!
DM: Don't worry about it. Hey, if you'd like, one of the kids in the locker room here is the son of a wrestler. He's not with the team yet, but he'll attend the University of Miami in about five years and play football there. Do you want to speak to him, his name is Dwayne Johnson?
CB: No thanks. This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)
DJ: Who was that, Dan?
DM: Oh, just some rooty-poo, candy-ass, jabroni. If ya smell what I'm cookin'.

If there's anyone you'd like me to interview, and you happen to be reading this, say, in the year 2004, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com

And finally, let's open things up to some questions:

Q: I was wondering if you could help settle a bet for me. My brother says all the wrestlers use steroids to enhance their physiques, yet I think that guys like King Kong Bundy and Adrian Adonis probably don't.
A: Yes, I can help settle that bet for you.

Q: What can you tell me about my favorite wrestler out there, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine?
A: Thanks for the compliment!!! Greg is actually related to another famous person, the Roman Christian Saint Valentine, who according to tradition was martyred during the persecution of Christians by Emperor Claudius II. Saint Valentine's Day was primarily celebrated in his honor, but was also inspired by another martyr named Valentine, who was bishop of Terni, a region in central Italy.
Also, he won the International Title earlier this year, defeating Chico Santana.

Q: Why does the WWF have so many damn hillbillies?
A: I think Hillbilly John is using his backstage influence to make the company hire his whole family, including Uncle Elmer, Cousin Luke and Cousin Junior. But even if you don't agree with the politics, you've got to just love the whole family!!!

Well, that about does it for this week. I'll be back next week, or whenever I can find the next edition of Wrestling Eye on sale at my local newsstand. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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