"Wait… WHO won the election? Aw, crap… Hello, Steph? Can you do me a favor and fire ten wrestlers at random? Thanks."
        -- Vince MacMahon, Nov. 2004.

Who will be the next to hear the words "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRED!!!"?

Wrestler	Reason Fired	Headed to…?
Big Ass Billy Gun	Triple HHH told the boys to 'show ass' in the ring; he took it literally	Japan, obviously
Nadia	Ignored dress code; kept wearing Daisy Duke shorts	Tuff Enuff 5
The Test	Didn't have "superstar look"	MMA world
a Train	Head too big	Ring of Horror
Gay Kim	Overweight	Back home to Korea
Rodney Max	Because of wife	NWA T&A, as a headliner
Jazzzzz	Because of wife	Mexico (Lucha-Jazz!!!)
Ray "Bad Boss Man" Trailer	Currently deceased	Heaven?
Stoned Cold Steve Austen	WHAT?	WHAT?
I said, St… WHAT?	WHAT?	WHAT?
Chuck Columbo	Being a jerk	Vacation
Johnny "The Boar" Stambolini	Who the fuck cares?	WHAT?
Ricola	Gay	Broadway
Pat Pat Patterson	See Ricola	Start own thriving indy fed
Canadian Bulldog	That's weird; I don't even remember signing with them…	Oh, wait… that OVW developmental contract (damn you, stupid 90-day rollover clause!!!)

Company officials are saying that the moves will save it more than $8,000 (Canadian) a year!!! It will also allow the cash-strapped WWE to make more talent acquisitions, such as Raw Diva Hunt winner Kristy Hem, former King of the Ring Visceria and The Tuff Enuff Guy Who Made Kur Tangle Tap Out Like A Little Bitch.

One of the new people they've hired on is Mohachmed Hussein, who will be accompanied by his manager Osama Arafat. Just because they are Arab-Iranian citizens, they claim they are being blamed by the general public for the events of Rescue 911.

I say… give them a chance!!! Just because they are different from you and I, or because they dress differently, or talk in a different language, or because they carry Weapons of Massive Destruction to the ring, it doesn't make them any different than you and I. And besides, when was the last time WWE exploited something as sacred as World Events for their own personal benefit?

We are just ONE month away from the WWE's 20th annual Survivin' Series PPV. And what a treat this one will be - a return to the "Classic" 5-on-5 survival matches, reminding me of the first SS in 1981 when Hal Kogan, Paula Ortondorff and Three Others teamed up to face Andrew The Giant and Four Others. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

Main Event
Classic Survivin' Series Match
The Curtain Jerk & His Curtain Jerkers (Lund Killer Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!, Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah, Mavin and Brutus The Beefcake)
Vs.
The "New" Revolution (Triple HHH, Nature Guy Ricky Flare, SHNITSKY!!!, ThEdge and Dangerous Danny Davis)

 
This match has a little bit of everything: talent who have been held back, talent who haven't been held back, and SHNITSKY. Look for the team of to come out on top.

Main Event
Loser Must Suck Because This Is A Crappy Match
Bookie T (with Velocity's John Matthews in his corner) 
Vs. 
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld (with Orlando Hudson in his corner).

Will Book diss all his dawgs from the hood by winning the bling-bling, proper? BANK ON IT!!!

Main Event
International Title Match
Sheldon Benjamin  
Vs. 
The Christian

Whatever…

The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To  
Vs. 
HI-DAN-RIKE (with Paul Herman in a neutral corner) 

You just knew that these two sexy titans would eventually settle their differences, but… settle them in the ring??? This one looks too close to call, even though Ordertaker almost never lets anyone beat him, and his opponent isn't very talented or over.

Main Event
Classic Survivin' Series Match
Eddie's Rowdies (Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera, The Best Show, Rod Van-Damme, ???? and Hillbilly John
Vs.
Team America World Police (Kur Tangle, Lucifer Rains, Mark Gingerale, Charlita Caribbean Cruel and Nickelai Volkov)

Expect ???? to be John Matthews, because he's proven himself to the locker room, both in terms of workrate and mic skills. Either that or it will be The Tuff Enuff Guy Who Made Kur Tangle Tap Out Like A Little Bitch.

Main Event
Girls Title Match
Tritch Stratus  
Vs. 
The Returning Leeta  

I'm not sure what exactly the issue is between these mildly-attractive ladies, but one thing's for sure: it will probably end when one of the competitors bites the referee on the butt. Or is that a midget 'spot'? Readers?

Main Event
Three-Way Dance for The Little Heavyweight Title
Spike TV Dudley  
Vs. 
Chavita Non-Classic  
Vs. 
Billy The Kid-Sized Man  
Vs. 
Roy Mysterio Junior  

This one will end when someone lands a Shooting Splash Press on someone else. Or misses the move. Whatever. I mean… really! Who cares?

On paper (and even on this computer screen), this event has the makings of being the best PPV ever. EVER!!!

Even MORE PPV: Apparently, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) held a Real Paper-View Event this past week. I wasn't able to find any reports of this so-called Victoria Road card online, but everybody's favorite apprentice Johnny ITR provided the details:
 

Hey, boss. I just got back from the T&A paper-view, which was taking place at Disney World. Here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED report:

· The first match featured 20 No Name Little Heavyweight Wrestlers. One of the Mexicans won.
 
· Some Jobbers and Jerry Be Bad went over Kid Krash and Some Other Jobbers.
 
· Next up was Midget Madness, with Little Littleton pinning Teeny McShort after one of them bit the referee on the ass.
 
· Roaddog Jamie James and Conan beat Two Canadians to win some belts.
 
· Rod Roddy Piper defeated Jimminy "Superfreak" Snooka in what was an ~OMFG ***** MOTYC!!!
 
· Jacaklquenyn made her long-awaited return to wrestling, defeating Some Chick.
 
· Alphabet Male Murphy Brown beat That's So Raven and The Mankind Wannabe in a "Ballroom Blitz" match.
 
· Peter Williams (OMG, the guy from The Brady Bunch) beat B.J. Styles to retain the XXX Division title.
 
· Next up was Triple XXX against America's Best Wanted. The team of came out on top!!!
 
· Then it was time for the "main event". It was supposed to be Jeff Hardee's and Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash against Double Jeff Jarrod and Scott "Last Hall" Call. But then there was a SHOCKING SWERVE when Nash turned on Hall!!! And then there was another SHOCKING SWERVE when they didn't team up with each other!!! And then there was a SHOCKING SWERVE when they teamed up with Jarrod!!! Then they turned on Jeff Hardee's!!! Then Matzoh Man Randy Sewage came out for some reason!!! And it was the best match ever! EVER!!! 
 
· !!!
 

Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.