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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Wreck the Halls! 

December 9, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Folks, a major wrestling company has just purchased WCW. Who is it? I can't talk about here on television, but CALL ME ON THE HOTLINE! 1-900-909-9900. Kids, be sure to get your parents permission before… nah, fuck it. Call anyways." 
        -- Mean Jean Okerland, trying to make 
            a quick buck during the final edition 
            of Monday Night Ro, 2001.

Welcome, everyone, to the latest edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the only person in the business who has never been General Manager of Raw. We've got a whole lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

Who will be the next NEW World Champion? 
(A) Definitely not Triple HHH. No sir. 
(B) SHNITSKY!!! 
(C) Coach Man  
(D) Hardwood Holly  
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. Selected visitors will be deluged with Pop-Up Advertisements That Probably Contain Viruses. Oh, and here are the results of our most recent poll:

Who will win the next Tuff Enuff? 
(A) Who the hell cares - 82 % 
(B) Yes - 17 %
 

And now, onto the news…

World Title SHAKEUP!!!: As mentioned above (before the part where I told you that my website gave off viruses), absolutely NO ONE knows who the undisputed World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Ltd. Inc. Raw World Champion is!!!  Not even head writer Vince MacMahon!!! 

And it's his job to know these things!!! And now when I look up the rankings in PWI it will say "Title Vacant: See Page 55 for Ratings Analysis"!!!

!!!

The normally shy and reserved MacMahon offered the following statement:

"Quite frankly, we here at World Wrestling Entertainment are listening to what you, the fans are saying. And quite frankly, you the fans have decided that not having a champion makes for a more exciting action-adventure series, quite frankly. And if you don't like that, PAL, then why don't we settle this tonight… in this very ring! One, two, three, he got him; no, wait, it was two. Come on, Jess, get up there and dance with Hillbily Jim. Anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation Entertainment. It's un-be-lievable. Ah ha ha ha! Screw you, you're FIRRRRREDDDDDDDD!"

What the HELL is Marvin's problem these days? One minute, he's all best friends with Mean Eugene and William Royal, and now… he hates them??? What gives, Marv? These two gave you start in this business (probably) and now you're all like "Thanks for nothing. Don't go there, girlfriend. Talk to the hand!"? Sometimes, I just don't get this crazy, mixed-up business at all…

Pay-Per-Snooze: Unless you're all a bunch of idiots (or just kind of forgot), WWEE presents its latest paper-view spectacular Our Mageddon in just seven weeks. The following is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

Main Event  
Three Way Dance For The Undisputed Other World Title
 
Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld
Vs. 
The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To
Vs. 
Bookie T
Vs. 
Someone Else Whose Name Escapes Me At The Moment

If listening to Mike Cole and Tazzzzzzz has taught us anything, it's that unlike the last 75 times, JLB is definitely fighting "Against All Odds" now. Or maybe JLB's "Sussudio" now? I don't know; it's some Phil Collins song. Perhaps "One More Night"? All I know is that he seems to have an invisible touch, yeah. He reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart.

Main Event  
United States of America Championship
 
John Ceno
Vs. Jesus Christ

The WWE's self-professed "gangsta rapper" may have bitten off more than he can chew this time, challenging the "Holy One" to a streetfight.

A few questions pop into my mind: 

(1) Whose decision was it to turn the prophet heel? 
(2) Is having this match so close to Christmas such a hot idea? 
(3) Why not have him feud with Michaels instead? I mean, at least there's money in that program. 
(4) Does this make Satan a de facto face? 
(5) Why do they call it a "street fight" if it doesn't take place on the street?

Main Event  
Triple Threat
 
The Best Show
Vs. 
Kur Tangle, Lucifer Rains & Mark Gingerale

Yeah… I've got nothing here.

Main Event  
Fake Tag Team Titles Match
 
Team Japance
(Robbie Dupree & Kenzosaki Sakasaki) Vs. 
Roy 'n' Rod
(Roy Mysterio & Rod Van-Damme)

If you look at the rich history of Smack! Down tag team champions (The Bash 'Em Brothers, Roy Mysterio & ThEdge, Rikishi Phatu & Reeco, Don Marie & Al Wilson, Roy Mysterio & Al Wilson), never before has a tag team title match seemed so random.

Main Event  
Girls Match; Probably In A Bowl of Dishwater or Paste or Peanut Butter
 
Jackie Gay
Vs. Don Marie  
Special ENFORCER referee: Charlie Horse

Put the kids to bed for this one, because it's sure to be… one of the best give and take chain-wrestling matches of the modern era. BANK ON IT!!!

Main Event  
Tuff Enuff Challenge
 
One Tuff Enuff Kid
vs. The Other One

According to a recent survey, 82 percent of respondents don't care who will win this thing. So why the hell should I?

Last-Minute Gift Ideas: So Christmas is just around the corner (as mentioned by my blasphemous references a few paragraphs ago), and you haven't done any shopping yet... OH GEEZ, that reminds me, I've gotta run!!!

Oh, wait, I forgot that I'm Jewish. Oy vey… anyways, let's say you need to buy something for that wrestling-lover on your list. What to buy? Well, here are a few suggestions, courtesy of The Notorious D.O.G.:

  • Do you have someone on your list who likes to play board games? If so, why? I mean, that's so last year. Anyways, try this one on for size…
     


 

  • For the younger fans, perhaps this Mr. SHNITSKY Potato Head is just the thing to stuff their stockings with. And if they don't like it… It's Not My Fault!!!
     


 

  • If your gift-recipient is looking to build a better body, forget Triple HHH's New Book That He Uses To Hold Benwah and Jericho Down With and think about getting one of these fine items:

 

 

 

  • What - time - is - it? It's time, it's time, it's time to get this beautiful wall clock:
     


 

  • If you are more of a "traditionalist" and insist on getting a gift that's both practical AND tacky, how about a soap-on-a-rope shaped like everyone's favorite WWE champion? (Warning: do not drop in the shower)
     


 

  • Finally, if you're lucky enough to have a special someone in your life and weren't DUMPED BY YOUR FUCKING WIFE - DAMMIT!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!… uh… then perhaps you can show her how much you care for her. By wearing the finest new men's cologne:
     


 

If none of those things don't interest you, I'm sure there's tons more useless junk over at my BulldogZone merchandise center. Order now for guaranteed Christmas delivery. I guess. Maybe not; I've never ordered from them before.

Anyways, that about does it for this week. If you have any comments, suggestions, questions or Ortonopoly game pieces, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside the Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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