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INSIDE THE ROPES    
A Few of Your Holiday Favorites 

December 16, 2004

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Ho ho ho!" 
     -- The God Father, 1999.
 
 
Need some holiday cheer? 

Canadian Bulldog Records, along with the world-famous Inside The Ropes Choir (that Johnny ITR sure has a mean falsetto), is very proud to present to you a little something we call:

Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers And Sometimes Didn't Exactly Rhyme
(2004, all rights reserved)

Feel free to sing along:
 

Triple H Is Coming To Town

You'd better all job, 
You'd better not whine, 
And if you complain, your job's on the line,
Triple H is coming to town. 

He's making a list,
Of wrestlers to fear,
So that he knows, whom he'll go over next year,
Triple H is coming to town.

He'll hold you under the glass ceiling,
Simply because he can,
He knows he won't get punished,
'Cuz he's married to a McMahon.

O! You'd better just lose,
'Cuz you know what he'll say,
"Don't like it? Go find work, in T-N-A!"
Triple H is coming to town

You'd better get much stronger
Become an oversized hoss,
And if you have a problem with that, 
You can take it up with the boss. 

O! You'd better work well, 
Just do as you're taught,
Or else you can say, good-bye to your spot,
Triple H is coming to town!
Triple H is coming to town!


Wreck Your Match

Wreck your match with Hardcore Holly 
Fa la la la la la la la la
Bob is never, ever jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Piss him off, and you'll be sorry
Fa la la la la la la la la
Even if you're Dawn or Torrie,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Bob hurts every-one he touches,
Fa la la la la la la la la
With his botched moves and stiff punches,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Bob can be ornery, vile and rude,
Fa la la la la la la la la
And that's just when he's in a good mood,
Fa la la la la la la la la.


Ring The Bell
 

Dashing through Montreal,
Bret called it a sin
All he had to do
Was give Michaels a win (ha ha ha)

But then Bret refused
Vince had to do some-thing
So when HBK trapped Bret
It was time for the bell to ring

Ring the bell,
Ring the bell,
Ring the fucking bell
Vince regrets that 'Bret Screwed Bret'
Still, he was damned to hell - oh!

Ring the bell,
Ring the bell,
Ring the fucking bell
He'll screwed, by Turner's brood
When Ted decides to sell. 


Koko The Bird Man

Koko The Bird Man, 
Was some guy who always lost,
With his rainbow hair and suspenders-pair
He entertained at any cost.

Koko The Bird Man
Loved to sing and dance a lot,
Must have been surprised, when he realized
That his services were no longer sought.

There must have been some magic in
That old macaw he found
For when he put on its perch
It made an annoying sound

Koko The Bird Man
Promised us that he could fight
But it's not the same thing, when you're in a ring
For thirty bucks a night

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thung
Look at Koko lose
Thumpetty thump thump 
Thumpetty thump thump
I'll bet he's turned to booze

Koko The Bird Man
Can't you get a real job?
I don't really care, about Frankie Ware
Even if that makes me a SOB

Koko The Bird Man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye, saying "Don't you cry.
I just got hired by TNA."


The Twelve Days of SmackDown

On the first SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
A win over Booker T.

On the second SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Two Basham Brothers,
And a win over Booker T.

On the third SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the fourth SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the fifth SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the sixth SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the seventh SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Seven ditzy divas,
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the eighth SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Eight jobbers jobbing,
Seven ditzy divas,
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the ninth SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Nine of the Guerreros,
Eight jobbers jobbing,
Seven ditzy divas,
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the tenth SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Ten Rey-Rey's leaping
Nine of the Guerreros,
Eight jobbers jobbing,
Seven ditzy divas,
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the eleventh SmackDown taping,
My booker gave to me:
Eleven Orlando matches,
Ten Rey-Rey's leaping,
Nine of the Guerreros,
Eight jobbers jobbing,
Seven ditzy divas,
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.

On the twelfth SmackDown taping, 
My booker gave to me:
Twelve Tazz's-A-Tazzing (Hey, YOU try to come up with something better after eleven verses!!!)
Eleven Orlando matches,
Ten Rey-Rey's leaping,
Nine of the Guerreros,
Eight jobbers jobbing,
Seven ditzy divas,
Six Dead Men Walking,
Five minute vignettes,
Four general managers,
Three white stretch limos,
Two Basham Brothers
And a win over Booker T.


I Saw Mommy Kissing Charlie Haas

I saw mommy kissing Charlie Haas
In a hilarious sketch last night
She didn't see me creep
In the locker room to have a peep
She never saw I was there,
Like all the other backstage cameras; no one seems to care.

Then, I saw mommy groping Charlie Haas
Yet, this never seemed to prompt a fight
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Jackie had only seen
Mommy screwing Charlie Haas last night.


Randy The Smug-Faced Orton

Randy the smug-faced Orton,
Had a very large e-go,
And if you ever fought him,
You would get an RKO.

All of the other wrestlers,
Never viewed him as a peer,
They never let poor Randy
Into a match of the year.

Then one sunny summer eve,
Vince McMahon came to say
"Even though you're not-so-bright,
Won't you lead this brand tonight?"

Then all the fans, they loved him,
Well -- except for me and you,
But if the company keeps saying that,
Eventually it might come true!


and that's not all. If you act NOW, you can get renditions of the classic carols "Feliz Juventud", "Good King Lawler" and "Here Comes Snitsky Claus" ABSOLUTELY FREE. Send your feedback and, uh, I don't know, $250 or so, to bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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