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Letters From a Nut V:
Helllllooo, Ladies! 

January 20, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Bulldog's Note: As many of you know, there's nothing I like more than the lovely ladies of professional wrestling. Well, some of the men, too. I mean, that Chris Jericho is kind of a cutie. And Randy Orton could flub his lines in front of me any time he wanted to, if you catch my drift. And let's be honest; who wouldn't want to take John Heidenreich and just…
WE'RE GETTING OFF TOPIC!!! My point being, I have e-mailed WWE Divas; ex-Divas; Diva Search rejects; TNA dancers; past superstars from WCW, ECW, GLOW, and really, just about everywhere, giving them the old "Letters From A Nut" treatment. And much like junior high school, high school, college and my current everyday life, most of the ladies didn't 

even respond. So I've included a bunch here who never even had the COMMON COURTESY to write back (See if I return your calls now, Miss Stratus!), as well as a number who did. As always, these are the complete, unedited transcripts from my correspondence with the fairer sex over the past six months or so.

Oh, and a special shout-out to my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR for helping me track down some of these addresses. Enjoy!

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Sensational Sherry,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I met you at a WWF TV taping back in the day. Me and my partner Jeb Lund were destroyed by The Powers of Pain. I even ended up in the hospital that night! Remember?

My question: I'm now booking indy shows out of Toronto and we have a GREAT idea that would involve YOU making a special appearance. Here are the details:

On our Nov. 21 show (Winter Warfare '04), you would be managing our tag team champions, Harlem Heat 2004. You may have heard of them -- Brawlin' Buddy Maxwell and Rik Nakamoto. They are one of the best teams in our territory.

Anyways, you would manage them against the challengers The Buschwhackers II (Dave and Jeff), then drop Harlem Heat after they lose the belts. We would have a gimmick that every show you appear at, you'd dump the tag team you're managing! Also, can you show up at our December 25th event. YES, we realize that's Christmas day. Blame the arena folks.

Anyways, please let me know ASAP if you can make it. You were my favorite manager of Randy Savage, Sean Michaels and Teddy Beassey EVER!!!

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Hi Bulldog, it's great to hear from you, please send a picture, bumped my head to many times, haha.

My fee is 750.00 plus airfair and hotel, don't forget the pic of yourself, also a pic of the tag teams, please.........

Sherri Martel

Dear Sherry,

Thanks for the compliment!!! I have tried sending you the necessary photos several times (I don't have one of myself; my agent is redoing my 8 x 10 promo pics). However, they keep coming back returned undeliverable from your Hotmail account because of the size of the files.

How about this? I have attached a caricature of The Bucshwhackers 2004 that the two of them often use as promotional pictures at indy shows. I know it's not the same thing... but at least it gives you an idea of what they look like. Please advise me if this is acceptable.

Peace, out, 

Awaiting Reply…

Dear Tammy Sitch,

Canadian Bulldog here (Don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was in a dark match on Raw during one of your last appearances as Sonny.

My question: I'm in the livestock fair business these days, and we are looking for celebrity guests to add to our line-up. Might we count you in?

It's fairly simple: you would pose for a few pictures with our prize cow, Bessie, then sign some autographs, and that's it. Possibly some hog-calling as well (haven't decided that yet).

Anyways, if there's any interest on your part, please let us know ASAP. It's either you or that bitch Jasmin Saint Clair.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

No Reply.

Dear Nicole Base,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I got in your way once when you had an appearance on the Howard Stein Show, and you almost beat me up!

My question: I'm now on the committee for annual Mister Mrs. Contest out of Toronto, and I'm in charge of securing Celebrity Guest Judges. We want YOU to be on your panel! Already among the judges are actor/singer/songwriter Stuart Stone and noted novelist Jeb Tennyson Lund.

For the uninitiated, the contest is a local Who's Who of men who want to be women, women who want to be guys, and occasionally, men who are just fairly comfortable being men. They're judged by their clothing, etiquette and speaking ability.

What do you think? A portion of the proceeds goes to the Oldline Onslut Fund of Dayton, Ohio. Please let us know ASAP, as we've already printed brochures with your likeness on them.

Canadian Bulldog

Big Bull,

Hi long time my rate is $1,000 air and hotel. Love and muscle, Nicole Bass

Dear Ms. Base,

Big Bull? You remembered me -- thanks for the compliment!!!

Regarding compensation, I have approached Johnny ITR on this subject, and he has informed me that the judging role is completely voluntary, as per Ontario law. In other words, the Mister Mrs. competition does not have a budget to compensate judges. Both Stuart and Jeb have said they'll fly in for free, though.

That said, we would be happy to supply you with the Canadian Bulldog T-Shirt of your choosing. We TAKE CARE of our guests, unlike some other competitions I could name (Little Miss Universe, are you listening?). So it's all good.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Awaiting Reply…

Dear Medusa,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was at a WCW meet and greet, several years ago. We met and greeted.

My question: I am currently preparing for our annual "Canadian Bulldog Italian-American Female Sports Stars Hall of Fame", set for December 29th in Toronto.

Our board of directors (Matt Hocking, Cory Harris, Stuart Stone, Rick Scherer) have nominated YOU for this prestigious honor. Would you be interested in attending in person? It's very cumbersome to set up one of those "live via satellite" feeds, so we'd prefer to have you accept in person.

All you would have to do is show up, accept the award, make a short speech that mentions your career and mine, and land a (worked) punch to the gut of The Rick. Then we hold a fabulous dinner/dance, autograph session, the works. Are you interested?

Please let me know ASAP. It's either you or you-know-who this year. I'm pulling for you.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

No Reply.

Dear Tracey of NWA T&A,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at that trade show in '97. In Scarborough.

My question: I have recently become Colonel for a new elite quasi-military organization known as the Canadian Bulldogs (thus my new trade name) that helps to protect the greater Toronto area. As a local Toronto celebrity, we would like YOU to help us "get the word out there" for our cause through local promotional appearances. Plus, Tritch Stratus won't return our phone calls.

During the appearances (mainly held at shopping malls; one is scheduled at a Toyota dealership), you would help us find new recruits by yelling at them, calling them maggots and slapping them (fake, of course). It's reverse psychology! We're hoping to increase our force to at least 45 people by the end of the year.

Please let me know ASAP if you're interested in this new gig. That way, you can "Be All You Can Be" (that's going to be OUR motto as well).

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

No Reply.

Dear April Huntor,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at an auto show years ago. You were my favorite nWo member EVER!!!

My question: Plans are currently in place for the maiden voyage of our "Brawlin' Boat" cruise ship, a new vacation experience designed ENTIRELY for wrestling fans. For example, Hacksaw Jim Duggan will be the honorary captain for our first cruise, while one of the lesser-known Guerreros (Tito) will be serving drinks.

We would like YOU to sing in our lounge act (the main stage) for our first cruise, which departs from Dayton, Ohio in May. What do you think? You don't even have to really sing, as most of it will be lip-synched anyways. Mostly soft jazz music.

Please let us know ASAP as we have already started producing brochures to distribute to travel agents worldwide. Your inclusion would no doubt be a highlight for our customers (marks).

Canadian Bulldog

HI-I'll bet ya tell that to ALL the nWo girls, huh?

Trust me, I can't sing...it's actually worse than my wrestling, but thank you for asking me.

Dear Goldy Locks,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at a meet and greet for NWA T and A several months ago. You gave the finger to some guy; not sure who.

My question: I am the head and Past President of "The Pin Pals", a button-collecting group out of Toronto. Our board of directors (myself and Matt Hocking) have nominated YOU to appear at our next annual general meeting in December.

As the special guest of our AGM, you would be asked to make a short speech (about buttons) and sign a handful of autographs. After that, we have our annual dinner/dance where we "party like there's no tomorrow!". Attendance would be mandatory.

Let us know what you think. We would be happy to supply you with some rare collector's pins, such as the IT F'N R and Orton Fears Jeb ones, for your collection. No questions asked!

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

I'd love to come. Let me know the details & where it is. Travel would be the only issue. Thank you so much of thinking of me. I am totally interested provided we're not on tour like the band & I are on now.

Thanks & let me know 
-Goldy www.goldylocks.com

Dear Goldy Locks,

Bad news.

It looks as though, barring a small miracle, the Pin Pals AGM I wrote to you about on 9/27 will be CANCELLED FOR GOOD!!!

Why? Let's just say that, once again, the Canadian government has stepped in where it doesn't belong and threatened to ruin our good time.

For the simple reason that we bring in U.S. talent to appear at our conventions, such as yourself and actor/singer/songwriter Stuart Stone (who's actually a Toronto boy, but has "gone Hollywood"), the government is calling our little convention "Un-Canadian"! They're also against our ceremonial flag burning.

However.... I don't believe this is over quite yet. We plan on petitioning Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin until he "sees the light" and allows us to hold the annual meeting. Letter-writing; national advertising campaigns; you name it -- we'll do it!!!

By the way, any chance we could get you to be part of a sit-in we're planning on the lawn of Canadian parliament (that's in Ottawa, Ontario)?

We'll keep you posted on the latest. KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!!

Canadian Bulldog

Awaiting Reply…

Dear Raw Diva Search Winner Christie,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I met you at some sort of event several years ago; you told me at the time you probably wouldn't remember it.

My question: we are putting on a celebrity star-studded telethon for The Lund Fund, an organization that helps children digest complicated prose. We would like YOU to be our special guest speaker during our December 9 gala event.

The speech could be written ahead of time and shipped to you via Fed-Ex if you don't feel up to writing your own speech. It would basically deal with the problems in America and why Dubya is all wrong for this country. Et cetera.

Anyways, please let us know ASAP. It's either you or Carmalla. We'd prefer you. You won the contest and she didn't.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

No Reply.

Dear Jungle Grrrrrrrrrrrl

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was once backstage at one of the old WOW shows, but then they told me I wasn't needed because I wasn't, technically, a women's wrestler.

My question: I am now the "special events coordinator" at East Toronto Elementary School and we are looking a special guest speaker for our second grade class. Are you available?

We are trying to teach children that they can be anything they want to be, including a professional wrestler. Your appearance would involve discussing your career, answering questions from the class and perhaps blading.

Please let us know ASAP if you are available for this appearance. Our second choice is a clown from the local strip mall; we don't really think that's an appropriate guest for children that young.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Hello there. I would need to know the date. When you let me know that, I can better answer your question. Hope all is well.


Dear Jungle Girl,

Thanks for the compliment. The event will be held on January 8th, 2009.


I'll probably be dead by 2009!

Dear Jungle Girl,


I'm so sorry to hear that. If it helps at all, we could kick Gimmick Man out of our show for 2008. Please let me know ASAP, as I hate doing things at the last minute.

Canadian Bulldog

Well, okay, how can I refuse such an offer!

Excellent. The children will be so glad to hear it!!! Look forward to seeing you then. Please let us know if you need directions to the school, et cetera.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

I will be there with bells on!!!

Dear Jungle Girl,

No need for the bells, but.... if you have something with chains, we could probably work it into the event!

Remember -- "Things will be great in 2008"!!!

Cheers, Bulldog

That about does it from here. Email me with your thoughts, comments or suggestions (especially if you're a female wrestler) at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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