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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Back to the Future:
Results of the 2005 Royal Rumble! 

January 27, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Finally… The [CENSORED]… has gotten rid… of his WWE contract. If ya smellllalalalalalalalow… what The [CENSORED]… is cookin'!" 
    -- Former WWE superstar The [CENSORED], 2005.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the only columnist out there who isn't AFRAID to filter out the politics, nonsense and facts to bring you the REAL STORY.

And this week's real story? Oh, nothing special, just something about how I TRAVELED IN TIME TO SEE THE 2005 ROYAL RUMBALL PPV SPECTACULAR!!!
   

You may recall that I wrote about something similar last year when my then-top source, Totalbs@hotmail.com, supplied me with a set of advance spoilers. But once I noticed that much of Totalbs's report was total b.s., I e-mailed totalbs and told him that if he was going to travel in time again, I wanted to go along for the ride as 

well. So he said "fine". And it was all done via ICQ!!!

So after I traveled in time, totalbs e-mailed me a copy of the spoilers (you have to understand, I was under sedation for the whole thing, and was told that when I woke up, I wouldn't remember any of the adventure, including the fact that I was sedated). So here we go:

  • "And now… the wrestler who earlier chose the number one position in the Royal Ramble," announcer Harold Finkel says. "Hooooooo!". Hey, it's Hacksaw John Duggan, with his trusty 2 x 4 in tow!!! "You can literally see the fans in this capacity crowd hanging from the rafters, Jess," commentator Gorilla Manson enthuses.
  • Wait a second… this is actually the 1987 Rumble!!! Totalbs must have set the time machine to the wrong date. We need the 2005 version!
  • Ah, here we go, 2005. The show opens with a longer version of the hilarious "Grease" promotional spot we've been watching on television for weeks now. Triple HHH plays Danny Zuko, while Torrie Watson plays Sandy. Heh, heh… "Tell me about it… stud!"
  • The first match should definitely get the fans on their feet. It's the casket match between The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To and HI-DAN-RIKE. At one point, it looks as though HI-DAN-RIKE is going to win, but… well, who's kidding who? He shoves The Death Man in the casket, but a bolt of lightning hits it, and he magically transforms into SuperTaker!!! And then he shatters the casket into a billion pieces!!! And then he somehow opens up a hole in the ground that leads to hell, and he chokeslams HI-DAN-RIKE right into it!!! And then HI-DAN-RIKE is consumed by the fire and killed!!! And it's the best casket match ever!!!
  • EVER!!!
  • Backstage, we see Smack! Down District Manager T.D. Long with a special announcement. "Let me holla at ya, playa. I've been drinking too much Haterade today; lemon-lime flavor, buhlee dat! And so for some reason, I'm thinking that the match between The Best Show, JLB and Kur Tangle won't draw a lotta dolla-dolla bills. So I'm changing the match to a triple threat between Amy Webburn, Joyce Giovanney and some new honey named Kurtella. Ya feel me? Holla."
  • Next up is the match between ThEdge and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels. But before it can get started, McMichaels makes fun of Canadians for no apparent reason! And then Bert "Hitman" Hart makes his grand return to the company, but is arrested by Eric Bischov's security guards. And the angle goes nowhere!!!
  • Backstage, who is walking around but Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen!!! He walks over to Raw Diva Search Winner Kristy and says "Hey, Kristy (WHAT?) I got a question for ya (WHAT?) A question (WHAT?) A query (WHAT?) I said a question (WHAT?) What I wanna know (WHAT?) is will you, Kristy (WHAT?) I said Kristy (WHAT?) Will you marry me? (WHAT?) Tie the knot (WHAT?) Get hitched (WHAT?) I said, get married!" Kristy isn't sure what to say, but accepts anyways because otherwise she'd be paired with Mean Eugene forever. Then Stoned Cold calls for a toast, and when she goes to drink her beer, Austen gives Kristy the stunner and pours beer all over her. "It's great to have Stone Cold back!" quips JR.
  • Then it's on to the triple threat match, which turns out to be the best Smack! Down PPV match in years. Unfortunately, it's dominated completely by Kurtella who doesn't really look like a woman, especially with the bald head, gold medals and hairy chest. T.D. Long comes out and congratulates her, and says that while she won't be main-eventing WrestleMania XX1, she can face the winner of next week's match between Steven Richards In Drag and Cross-Dressin' Chavo Classic™.
  • Backstage, we have our quarterly Raw talent meets Smack! Down talent confrontation. However, this time its John Matthews and Mark Lllloyd. And folks, things get really ugly…
  • World Title Match time, with Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON! finally going over Triple HHH after Deacon Bautista accidentally hits HHHHHH in the head with a steel chair sixteen times. All of Orton's fans go crazy, and the 15,739 remaining fans in the arena start booing. However, it turns out that it was all an elaborate plot by Revolution. "Bautista is too dumb to pull off anything like that," The Criminal Assassin says. So because it was all fake, the title doesn't change hands.
  • Finally, it's time for our main event. "And now… the wrestler who earlier chose the number one position in the Regal Rumble," announcer Harold Finkel says. "Hooooooo!". Hey, it's Hacksaw John Duggan, with his trusty 2 x 4 in tow!!! "You can literally see the fans in this capacity crowd hanging from the rafters, Tazzzz," commentator Good Ol' JR Ewing enthuses. "This one should be a rocketbusta, Cole." Tazzzz answers back. "For the last time, I'm not 'Cole'. You're getting confused!," JR says. "Bah gawd, look at Jericho in there!"
  • Wrestler number two is… Mohachmed Hussein, accompanied by his trusty manservant Osama Arafat. Before he enters the ring, he forces all of the fans to recite the pledge of allegiance… in Arabic!!!
  • After two minutes of exciting action that we haven't seen since the likes of Duggan vs. Boris Zhukov, the buzzer goes off, signaling the next entrant. "Bah gawd, it's Eddie Guerrera!" JR says. However, his low-riser gets stuck on the entranceway because of a dead battery, and he has to wait until AAA comes to jump-start it. Instead, Double A comes to try with his tire iron, but it doesn't work.
  • Bzzzt! Next up is Rapmaster George Cena, who cuts a quick rap on his way to the ring:
First I was supposed to win this whole thing,
But now I'm gonna just get tossed from the ring.
I was in line for a shot at the gold,
But all of a sudden, my big push got old.
Didn't help that backstage, I made fun of Stephoney,
Now I'll be lucky if I can job on Velocity.
Boss Triple HHH says I just have to pay my dues,
But now, thanks to him, I'm gonna be hooked on the booze.
World Life!
  • Cena gets eliminated promptly by fitness guru Simpson Dean, who isn't, technically, in the match.
  • Bzzzt! Next in is The Christian (a/k/a Captain Christmas), who looks to all of his Popes for support, only to get eliminated by Duggan. Hoooooo!
  • Bzzzt! Number six is the trusty bodyguard Lucifer Rains. "This guy is a tough customer, Cole," says Tazzzzz. "He once killed three people in one day." "Stop that!" insists JR. "Stop calling me Cole!"
  • Bzzzt! Time for everyone's favorite flyweight Roy Mysterio Junior. On the way to the ring, he sees Guerrera still looking for a boost for his car. "He's going to help his friend, bah gawd," says JR. But Latina Heat asks Roy Roy to hold his car battery instead while he walks to the ring, and the referee sees the battery in Roy's hand and disqualifies him. "No one is better at cheating than Eddie Guerrera, Cole," says Tazzzzz.
  • Bzzzt! Next up is the Man Beast Rhinoceros. He gores Rains right out of the ring, but then Duggan hits him with his patented three-point stance and then Rhino is eliminated, tough guy. Hooooooo!
  • Bzzzt! Coming up next is Tuff Enuff champion Dan Powder. But before he can get to the ring, he's replaced by Hardwood Holly, who insists the kid hasn't "paid his dues" yet and proceeds to beat him up for real! Holly is then eliminated by Duggan.
  • Bzzzt! Here comes Y J Stinger and JR thinks he'll team up with Duggan because they look so much alike. But then he turns on ol' Hacksaw and forms an alliance with Hussein because he used to call himself Ayatollah! "That's just disrespectful, Cole," says Tazzzz.
  • Bzzzt! Up next is Kenzoki Suzuki with his lovely wife Stereotypical Japanese Woman. Suzuki is decked out in red, white and blue, so Duggan forms an alliance with him and then they simultaneously eliminate Jericho and Hussein. Duggan then tosses Suzuki out.
  • Bzzzzt! Now it's time for the Rumble's Token Hall Of Famer, none other than Andrew The Giant!!! "But… but…" is all Tazzzz can say. "Bah gawd, I never thought I'd see The Eighth Wonder of the World in a WWE ring again!" says JR. "Yeah, that's one way of putting it…" says Tazz. The Giant is decked out in a Hawaiian shirt, dark sunglasses and is being carried to the ring by two guys, a la the movie Weekend At Barney's.
  • Bzzzzzt! Next up is Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels. He teams with Duggan to try toppling the 7"4, 525 pound Giant, but to no avail. "They just can't lift that much dead weight," says JR. "Bah gawd!".
  • Bzzzzzt! "I'm gonna git you… SUCKAAAAA!" The unmistakable theme song of Bookie T plays as everyone's favorite Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time, Five-Time WCW Champion hits the ring. "Yeah, that's great and all, Cole, but I'd really like someone to explain this whole Andre thing…" says Tazzzzz.
  • Bzzzzzt! "I like to spit up on people who aren't cool." Here comes Puerto Rican wrestling legend Charlita Caribbean Cruel. HKB and Cruel argue over whether eating the apple is sacrilegious, eventually eliminating each other, while Duggan gets rid of Bookie T.
  • Bzzzzzt! Now it's time for the Rumble's Token Unknown Japanese Entrant Suki Wakrait! "Who?" says JR. He almost eliminates Duggan, but sadly it ends up the other way around.
  • Bzzzzzt! Hardcore legend Mick Farley is out next, even though he doesn't have a new book to plug! He sticks Mister Socko in the mouth of Andrew The Giant and a whole bunch of worms come out.
  • Bzzzzzt! It's time for SHNITSKY!!! Instead of entering the ring, SHNITSKY randomly grabs one of Farley's newborn children from ringside and tries to kill it. Farley jumps out of the ring to save his child and is eliminated. "Bah gawd, how can SHNITSKY do that?" screams JR. "That's just cold, Cole," says Tazzzzz. "DAMMIT, I'M NOT MICHAEL FUCKING COLE!!!"
  • Bzzzzzt! Number nineteen is Robbie Dupree along with Fifi The French Bitch. Andrew The Giant somehow eliminates him.
  • Bzzzzzt! The cavalcade of excitement continues with Team Angle flunky Mark Gingerale, - bzzzzt! - ThEdge, and - bzzzzzt!- Scotty The Hotty at number twenty-two. Out by Duggan, out by Duggan and out by Duggan.
  • Bzzzzzt! "Ain't no stoppin' me… now… SUCKAA!!!". Here comes Sheldon Benjamin who manages to capture the corpse of Andrew The Giant in a T-Bone suplex over the top rope, except that he only eliminates himself. "Both of these guys have a great future ahead of them, bah gawd!" says JR.
  • Bzzzzzt! Benjamin's former partner in The World's Best Goddamn Tag Team, Charlie Horse, is out next. Unfortunately, he's unable to match the superior mat stylings of Duggan and is quickly sent to the floor.
  • Bzzzzzt! JLB's loyal "Head Of State" Orlando Hudson is out next to kick ass and take names. He gets one on his way out of the ring - Hacksaw F'ing Duggan.
  • Bzzzzzt! and BOOOOOM! "By fire and brimstone, that's gotta be Kain!" screams J.R. "No, actually that's Chris Benwah, Cole," says Tazzzzz. "Kain is up next."
  • Bzzzzzt! Now it's Kain. And The Big Stupid Red Machine is none too happy that Benwah stole his entrance.
  • Bzzzzzt! Number twenty-eight is none other than future Heat jobber Marvin. "Bah gawd, what the fuck is that asshole Marvin doing entering this thing at twenty-eight? Who the hell wrote this shit?" yells JR. "Anyone can win the Rumble on any given day -- even Virgil," proclaims Gorilla Manson. "Firstly, that's not Virgil. Second, how the hell did you get here?" asks Tazzzz. "Will you stop? Puh-lease!" pleads Gorilla.
  • Bzzzzzt! All of a sudden, a parade of ex-WWE superstars including Reeco, Billy Gun, a Train, Rodney Max and The Test come to the ring. "We represent a new faction called The Disgrunted Employees, and we're taking over this company," shouts Noonzio. "Bah gawd, what the hell are these guys doing here? They were fired from this company?" yells JR. "They were fired?" asks Tazzzzz. "When?"
  • Who comes to clear the ring of The Disgruntled Employees but ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! The third-generation superstar plants an RKO on the only group of wrestlers less over than he is, and then leaves to his Annoying Maven Rip-Off Theme Song.
  • Bzzzzzt! Number thirty is none other than Deacon Bautista, who clears the ring of Benwah, Marvin, Kain and maybe Anyone Else I Forgot About. Except Andrew The Giant and Duggan.
  • The final three in the ring are Deacon Bautista, Andrew The Giant and Hacksaw John Duggan. Then, for no apparent reason, Kain's father-in-law Paul Burier comes back from the dead to collect Andrew and return him back to the morgue. Ohhhh yessss!
  • It's down to Bautista and Duggan, representing the very best of their respective generations. Bautista tries the powerbomb on Duggan, but it has NO EFFECT! Then Triple HHH shows up and pretends he's Triple A, as in the car-repair company, and helps Eddie Guerrera start his car. But Eddie is drunk on alcohol and high on drugs, so the car crashes into Duggan, killing him and unfortunately, eliminating him over the top rope. Eddie is engulfed in flames, which is against Regal Rumble rules, and is officially out of the match.
  • Bautista is about to celebrate his big win, when all of a sudden… Vince MacMahon struts his sexy ass to the ring!!! "Hold on a minute, PAL," MacMahon starts. "To win The Royal Rumball, you have to have beaten the best. And I happen to have the very best here, backstage… "
  • {GLASS SHATTERS} The crowd goes berserk, only its not Steve Austen, it's just the next entrant, who has accidentally tripped over the glass-encased entrance. "Bah gawd," screams JR. "It's… it's… who the hell IS that, anyways?"
  • "That's Canadian Bulldog, Cole," says Tazz. "He won the Rumble last year, according to a column which probably only six or seven people read on Oldline Onslut."

Well, I don't want to get into the whole space-time-continuum thing, but bottom line… I won. Again. How's that for a finish?

Wow! I'm exhausted after just READING those spoilers, so I can only imagine what it was like being there in person (especially after I botched that top rope plancha). And much like totalbs predicted, I don't even remember any of it.

If you watch the Rumble this weekend and for some reason it doesn't happen EXACTLY as I predicted, then you know that Vince MacMahon must personally read this column every week, and changed it all so he wouldn't be shown up. You can email me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com to thank me. Remember, if you read it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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