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Hooray for Hollywood 

February 3, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"I'm a wrestling dog!" 
     -- Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld, 2005.

Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the guy who was supposed to win the recent Royal Ramble. What am I talking about? Let's go back to last week's column, shall we, where I'll recap my enchanting tale of time travel and how, against all odds

and logic, I won the whole damn thing:

  • Bautista is about to celebrate his big win, when all of a sudden… Vince MacMahon struts his sexy ass to the ring!!! "Hold on a minute, PAL," MacMahon starts. "To win The Royal Rumball, you have to have beaten the best. And I happen to have the very best here, backstage… " 
  • {GLASS SHATTERS} The crowd goes berserk, only its not Steve Austen, it's just the next entrant, who has accidentally tripped over the glass-encased entrance. "Bah gawd," screams JR. "It's… it's… who the hell IS that, anyways?" 
  • "That's Canadian Bulldog, Cole," says Tazz. "He won the Rumble last year, according to a column which probably only six or seven people read on Oldline Onslut."

Now, as you all could plainly see, that was the plan. MacMahon was even on his way to introduce me. But then the so-called "creative genius" fell flat on his Sexy Ass, and as a result forgot about the plan. Had he not slipped, I would be on my way to Hollywood as we speak.

Bulldog didn't screw Bulldog. Vince screwed Bulldog.

And now, onto the news…

So now we have Deacon Bautista as your alleged "winner" of the Rumble, and it doesn't take a genius to see that the likely lineup for Mania is now:

  • Bautista Vs. Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! Vs. Takajiri for the Raw World Title 
  • Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld Vs. The Bash 'Em Brothers for the Undisputed Other World Title 
  • "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels Vs. Bert "Hatman" Hurt (in Montreal, with special guest referee Earl Hefner
  • The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To and The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Vs. Los Resistance
  • Triple HHH Vs. Mohachmed Hussein (Flag Match) 
  • Bookie T Vs. SHNITSKY!!!  
  • Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. Coach Man (Last Man Standing) 
  • Kur Tangle & Lucifer Rains & Mark Gingerale Vs. Men On A Mission II (Mabelle, Moe and Visceria)  
  • 60-Man, Three Ring, Battle Royale

This just in: As reported here first, media conglomerate Visacom is saying "Screw you, you're firrrrrrrredddddddddd!" to Vince MacMahon's WWE! According to an article Somewhere On The Internet, Visacom Chairman Les Moonvess Muonvez Muniz Nessman, said that even though the WWE is making him a ton of "dolla dolla bills, playa", he can't wait to release the show from its contract on The WB. Will the Smack! Down program fall to the wayside immediately and be gone forever? BANK ON IT!!!

First Jake "The Snakeman" Robards is arrested for possession of cocaine, and then Lex Larry Lugar is nabbed for driving under the influence (of booze)! What has HAPPENED to all of wrestling's straight-laced heroes? I mean, if these guys can be infected with personal demons, is anyone safe? Thank goodness China has her head screwed on straight these days…

It looks as though Tritch Stratus is set to "hook up" with none other than SHNITSKY!!! as evidenced on this week's episode of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. The new name for this awesome duo? TRISHNITSKY!!!

Following their incredible success of the commercial where Mean Eugene does a spot-on parody of the movie Rain Man, World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. has decided to run a Whole Bunch of Hollywood-style commercials in advance of WrestleMania XXX1: Where It All Begins Again. Again. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview:

The Bossfather

Vince: We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my company kicked your company's ass in the ratings, and then we bankrupted you. But let's be frank here: you never wanted my friendship.

Bischoff: Don Vincent, I don't want to get into trouble…

Vince: I understand. You found paradise here in WWE, making a good living as general manager. My people protected you backstage when Flair and pretty much everyone else wanted to kill you. And you didn't need a friend of me. But now you come to me and you say, Don Vincent, give me justice. But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me the Greatest Promoter That Ever Lived. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me for a favor.

Bischoff: I ask you for justice. How much shall I pay you?

Vince: Bischoffsera, what have I ever done to you to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Besides my company kicking your company's ass in the ratings, and then bankrupting you.

Bischoff: Be my friend -- Greatest Promoter That Ever Lived.

Shane: Father, he is making you an offer you can't refuse.


Pulp Faction

JBL: You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

Orlando: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?

JBL: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.

Orlando: Then what do they call it?

JBL: They call it a Bradshaw Burger. J-B-L! J-B-L!

Orlando: A Bradshaw Burger! What do they call a Big Mac?

JBL: How the fuck should I know? Let's go rape some guys in the shower…

Show Me The Monkey

Heidenreich: I love you. You… complete me.

SHNITSKY: Shut up. You had me at hello.

The Evolution Strikes Back

Darth Helmsley: Randy, there is no escape. Don't make me destroy you, like everyone else here. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

Randy Ortonwalker: I'll never join you. Never join you. Never!

Emperor Naitch: Woooo! To be the force, you've got to beat the force. Woooo!

Darth Helmsley: If you only knew the power of the Main Event Side. Obi-Shawn never told you what happened to your father.

Randy Ortonwalker: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.

Cowboy Bob Ortonwalker: But… I'm not dead!

Darth Helmsley: No! I am your father!

Cowboy Bob Ortonwalker: What the fuck?!?

Darth Helmsley: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Randy Ortonwalker: So, uh… what are you trying to tell me?

Darth Helmsley: That I'm your father.

Randy Ortonwalker: Can you put that in layman's terms?

Darth Helmsley: What part of that was hard to grasp?

Randy Ortonwalker:???

Batista Fett: So am I getting a speaking role in this? Or what?

X-Pacalypse Now

X-Pac: Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. Except maybe pot. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

China: So explain to me again how we ended up doing this commercial?

A Few Good Mans

Rock: Colonel Jessep, did you order the Code Red?

Austin: Well, I…

Rock: It DOESN'T MATTER if you ordered the Code Red!

Austin: Lookatcha! Yer pathetic! Ya think yer so big with your little suit, talking in your little courtroom… Ever put your life in a man's hands, son, or asked him to put his life in yours?

Rock: You like men, do you? Ha-HO! Colonel Jessep likes men! He likes checking out The People's Package. Well, The Rock says this: Why don't you take those men… shine them up real nice… turn those sumbitches sideways… AND STICK 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!

Austin: Do you want answers, son?

Rock: I want the truth!

Austin: WHAT?

Rock: The truth!

Austin: WHAT?

Rock: The Rock says he wants the truth!

Austin: If ya wanna see the truth, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"

Courtroom: HELL YEAH!

Rock: The Rock thinks he's entitled to it.

Austin: The bottom line is this. Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? EH-EH! I have neither the time (WHAT?) nor the inclination (WHAT?) to explain myself (WHAT?) explain myself (WHAT?) I said explain myself (WHAT?) to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it. I prefer you said thank you, and went on your damn way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand to post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to. And that's all I got tah say about that!

Rikishi: Stop! I admit it: I did it.

Austin: WHAT?

Rikishi: I did it… for The Rock.

The Rock: How does that even make sense? And didn't you leave the company already?

Rikishi: Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black…

They'll probably have some messages about Wrestle Mania XXX1 in there as well. Not sure.

Anyways, that about does it for this week. Be sure to e-mail me with any questions, comments, suggestions or just to say hello because DAMN AM I EVER LONELY, at bulldog@Onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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