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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Time Machine 

February 10, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Note to Webmaster Rick Scherer

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I'm your brother, but not the one who's a Hollywood big-shot, REMEMBER?

Unfortunately, I will NOT be able to write my award-winning Inside The Ropes column this week because I am still stuck in Bag Dad awaiting the results of the upcoming Iraqian Election, and while I'm here, I've discovered that their government isn't really "cool" with my proposed column on the character flaws of Raw superstar Mohachmed Hussein.

But don't worry; I'm not going to leave you in a lurch, bro. I've enclosed a Retro ITR™ from wrestling's golden era, 1986. Tell everyone I'll be back next week (if I'm not executed first) and say hi to mom.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Originally published July 22, 1986
Inside The Ropes - 
The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

"Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the largest pythons in the world swallow you?" 
        -- Hal Kogan
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, sometimes known as President of the local Animotion Fan Club (motto: "They're Our Obsession!"). We've got of ground to cover on this typewritten page printed from my Apple IIc, so let's get right to it: 

 
OMG SWERVE~!: Who among us wrestling fans could have predicted in a zillion years that Paul Orndork would have turned on The Immortal Hal Kogan? No one, that's who.

Orndork swears that he only did it because of the money and women and power, but let's be honest; the so-called Mr. (NOT) Wonderful turned on his buddy because he Hates Children!!! Why else would he align himself with morons like King Kong Crummy, Big John Dud and Bobby The Stupid Jerkface Heenen? If you answered "because he hates children", then - BIG BUCKS, BIG BUCKS, NO WHAMMIES - friend, you would have just won the grand prize!!!

But fear not, fellow Hal-Ko-Maniacs. There is nothing more powerful in the universe that a Hulkstor betrayed. Everyone knows that revenge is best served with a cold dish, and no one is better at doing that than Hal Kogan!!!

Has anyone out there seen Japanese newcomer The Giant Machine in action? Between his 7 foot 4, 525 pound frame, and thick French accent, he DEFINITELY seems familiar, but I can't quite place him. Maybe I'm not as big a puro mark as I thought I was…

Could "The Americans Dream" Dustey Roads be on his way to finally toppling archrival Nature Guy Ricky Flare? I have no clue; we don't get to watch any of that NWA crap here in Canada.

What's the biggest talk-show battle these days this side of Jerry Carson Vs. Alan Thick? How about Rod Roddy Piper and Arrogant Adrian The Adonis? Piper, fresh from making a movie that shows off his considerable acting skills, has returned to take back his critically-acclaimed Piper's Place talk show. But at the same time, Arrogant Adrian has NO PLANS to give up his show The Flower Store.

To make matters worse, Adonis has stolen Piper's ex-bodyguard, future hall of famer Cowboy Bob ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! and turned him GAY! You can bet your Intellivision that this has all the makings of becoming the best feud ever!!!

EVER!!!

Cartoon fans take note! I have viewed the LOST episode of the Saturday morning favorite Hal Kogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling 'n' Stereotypes. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript for the episode entitled "Time Machine":


Hal Kogan: Hey, brother. What's that big contraption sitting over there, brother?

Junkyard Doug: Rarrrr… Rrrrrr… Growl… That's a time machine. I found it my junkyard. Grrr…

Hal Kogan: That's cool, brother. But why is Captain Lou eating it, brother?

Captain Lou Albino: Because I thought it was a sandwich!

Andrew The Giant: I'm having trouble fitting into the time machine because I'm freakishly big, 'ulk!

Hal Kogan: Don't worry about that for now, brother. Right now we've got to go to the gym to work out, brother. Let's just hope we aren't getting spied on by that no-good Piper and his goons, brother.

(Hiding behind a door) Rod Roddy Piper: Okay, gentlemen. That Hulkamoron is finally gone. Let's steal the time machine!

Iran Sheik: Vee must stick eet to stoopid Americans!

Rod Roddy Piper: Fuji, you're Japanese. Maybe you can use karate or some shit to steal the time machine.

Master Fuji: Ahhh, Piper-san. Confucius say use dishonorable one must use karate (chops the time machine repeatedly).

Nikelai Volkov: Hurry up. One of the stoopid Americans is coming back, and we're too weak to fight him because he's good guy!

Jimminy Superfreak Snooka: Anyone seen my crack vial around here, brudda?

(Next scene, in Piper's castle)

Rod Roddy Piper: Now, it's time to activate the time machine! And you all thought I was crazy.

Big John Dud: In the future, I'm sure they'll all think you're perfectly sane.

Piper plugs in the machine and blue sparks start flying out. When the smoke clears, three wrestlers from the future appear in shadows.

Triple HHH: I am the game-uh, and we are the future-uh of-uh this business-uh!

Ricky Flare: Wooo! Evolution! (Starts dancing around)

Bautista: How did we end up in this ****ing cartoon, anyways?

(The bad guys from the future destroy the bad guys from the past…er, I mean present.)

Mean Gene Okerfeld (pops up out of nowhere): Now what do you bad guys from the future plan to do?

Triple HHH: Now, it's time-uh to destroy-uh the good guys-uh!

Ricky Flare: Mean - Woooo - Bah gawd, Gene! Evolution! Woooo!

(Next scene, in the gym)

Hal Kogan: Brother, I'm telling you. If you want to be the token Latino on this show, you've gotta have a catchphrase, brother.

Tito Montana: Arriba!

Hal Kogan: That's more like it, brother. Oh, excuse me for a minute, brother. Captain Lou is trying to eat Hillbilly John's pig again, brother.

Windy Richter: Uh… y'all better come over here. There's a group of fellas that are destroying our gym with sledgehammers.

Hal Kogan: I'll handle this one, brother.

Bautista: Well, well, look who it is. The Immortal Hal Kogan!

Hal Kogan: I don't know what you dudes are up to, brother, but if doesn't involve sayin' your prayers and takin' your vitamins, I don't want any part of it, brother!

Triple HHH: First of all-uh, we're taking over this gym-uh! Second, why the hell do you sound like the brother from Everybody Likes Raymond?

Andrew The Giant: I'm trying to save you 'Ulk, but I'm too freakishly large to fit through the doorway.

Junkyard Doug: Stay in school, kids! Grrr… rrrowll….

Ricky Flare: Woo! Evolution!

Mean Gene Okerfeld (Popping out of nowhere): Could this be the end of our heroes?

(The time machine starts shooting blue sparks again, and a fourth figure emerges.)

Triple HHH: Who the hell-uh is that-uh? Bautista-uh, why didn't you destroy-uh that time machine-uh?

Bautista: Dude, I'm just trying to figure out why I don't look anything like myself… I mean, how hard could it possibly be to draw me?

Tito Montana: I feel your pain, my friend. Er, I mean… arriba!

(All of a sudden, ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON! shows up and RKO's all of the bad guys. Triple HHH escapes on Piper's Bagpipemobile.)

Hal Kogan: Dude, thanks for saving us, brother. I guess you could say you're the "future" of this business, brother.

(All the good guys laugh; fade to black.)

Orton: I don't get it.


According to the latest edition of Wrestling Eye Magazine (cover story: "Is it time for Mister Tee to hang up the boots?"), the WWF's elite are hard at work creating a follow-up to the multi Slammy award-winning album Wrestling Album One. With songs such as "The Sivi Afi Shuffle" and Jake "Snakeman" Roberts' cover of "I Want A New Drug" in the plans, will this be the best wrestling-related album ever? BANK ON IT!!!

AWA fans, both of them, will be thrilled to learn that Stan Hanson is the NEW AWA World Champion!!! I foresee Hanson cutting a lot of promos in front of the 200 person-audience in Las Vegas, while announcer Larry Neilson rolls his eyes and groans.

Does anyone else have trouble telling all these darned Hillbillies apart?

NWA fan favorite and Sex Symbol Magnum T.I. is still in the hospital, recovering from what no doubt was an attack by those no good Russians Ivan Volkoff, Nichita Volkoff and Krusher Krunchev. It's high time that someone -- be it The Road Worriers, Laser Tron or even President Raygun -- taught these Commies how things are done in the Good Old U S of A!!! Also in Canada.

Is it just me, or is Randy "Mucho Man" Sewage's valet Miss Lizabeth REALLY hot? I swear the Fed pushed the envelope last week when they almost showed her bare shoulder! Here's hoping she doesn't end up dead one day from a mixture of pills and alcohol, only to have her death trivialized for weeks on WWE Confidential, whatever the hell that is.

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk with Bill Aptor, who runs London Publishing's Pro Wrestling Illustrated, Inside Wrestling, Sports Review Wrestling, Wrestling Superstars, Pro Wrestling This Week, Pro Wrestling Last Week, Pro Wrestling From About Nine Months Ago, Wrestling Classics, Wrestling USA, Enough Fucking Wrestling Already, and Wrestling's Collection Of Pictures That Aren't Approved By Titan Sports. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Is this Bill Aptor?

BA: Is that you again, Lawler? For the last time, I'm NOT putting you on the cover…

CB: No, no, it's me, Canadian Bulldog. Do you have time for an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview?

BA: Kid, I barely have enough time to write 18 different wrestling magazines, let alone posing as nine different staff members, so I…

CB: Question number one: Why is Matt Brock so damn bitter all the time?

BA: Uh… see, that's kind of a tricky question, because…

CB: Question number two: How do you get along with Eddie Ellner every day without punching him in the face?

BA: Well, you have to understand that I… well, he… no, I….

CB: Question number three: When are you male chauvinists finally going to give Liz Hunter the respect she deserves?

BA: Kid, I've got to stop you there, because…

CB: Question number four: How did you manage to get two heated rivals on the phone together each month for "One on One"? And how come the police never stopped The Four Horsemans from beating up The Sting, even though your magazine reported it three months before it happened? And are you trying to tell me that Mil Maskaras always walks around with that damn mask on? Did you guys REALLY pay some UWF shlub $1 million dollars to win a tournament? How…

BA: STOP! STOP!!! IT'S ALL FAKE, OKAY?

CB: Come again?

BA: IT'S ALL FAKE, KID!!!

CB: "Fake"?

BA: We didn't really follow Ricky The Steamboat to a park where he had a top-secret conversation with Randy Sewage! We just made up "official" rankings for the hell of it! And there was no such person as Dave Rosenbaum!

CB: But noted wrestling psychologist Dr. Sidney M. Basil, he really exists, right?

BA: Afraid not.

CB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How dare you just… make up stuff! What about the integrity of this business, Bill? You wouldn't want the WRESTLERS doing fake stuff, would you?

BA: Yeah, about that…

BA: This interview… IS OVER!!!

(Hangs up phone)

Liz Hunter: Who was that, lover?

Bill Aptor: No one. Now let's go back to bed…

That about does it for this week. If there's anyone you're dying for me to interview, or if you just want to drop me a line to tell me how TOTALLY AWESOME I am, wait about 19 years and then e-mail me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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