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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Halkomania Will Live Forever 

March 10, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Well ya know somethin', Mean Gene? I've been hangin' and bangin' at Gold's Gym, brother, for forty days and forty nights, brother, and when I grabbed the dorsal fin of a Great White shark, brother, with my 24 inch pythons, brother, by following the three demandments, brother - sayin' your prayers, takin' your vitamins and trainin' real hard, brother… you fans can stick it! Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the largest arms in the world run wild on you, brother? Whatcha gonna doooooooo?!?! Brother!" 
          -- Hollywood Hal Kogan, daily.
 
Welcome, everyone, to a very special, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and EXTREMELY ILLUSTRATED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog and tonight (or today, depending on when you're reading this), I want to pay respect to a man undoubtedly on his way to the prestigious WWWE Hall of Fame. A man who inspired the 

careers of hundreds, if not thousands, of wrestlers. A man who single-handedly saved the industry more than his fair share of times. A man whose contributions to the business can't be overstated. I'm of course talking about…

But even the legendary Atom Bomb had to take his cue from someone. So in order to completely shift topics, let's instead take an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED look at the career of the legendary Hal Kogan.

I used a variety of resources to compile this, which will actually serve as the first known biography of Hal Kogan's life. Among them: his self-titled autobiography published in 2003; this shitty unauthorized biography of him; also this one; an episode on Betamax of "Hal Kogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling 'n' Stereotypes" (the one where Captain Lou Albino eats a lot); my cat Owen, for some strange reason; and the May 1986 edition of Pro Wrestling Illustrated (Cover story: "The Killer Bees' Secret Plot To Sting The British Bulldogs")

Chapter One: Humble Beginnings

Hal was actually born as Terry "The Hulk" Boulder in 1950something to a family somewhere. Probably.

His family noticed quickly that their son wasn't like other kids. Probably because of the steroids. By age 11, he was six feet two inches and weighed 250 pounds. By age 22, he was twelve feet, four inches and 500 pounds.

He took up wrestling, eventually, but didn't make waves until he appeared in the Sylvester Malone flick "Rocky VIIII: Back To The Streets. Again."

He also wrestled for the AWA, where he probably headlined and won titles, but didn't have any action figures made or anything, so let's just move on to:

Chapter Two: Hittin' The Big Time

Kogan went to Vince MacMahon's fledging World Wide Wonderful Wrestling Federation and on January 33rd, 1984, won a version of the world heavyweight title (sorry, Kerry Van Eric's World Class title is only true champ to ME!!!), defeating technical wrestling legend The Iran Sheik.

That night, a little something known as Halkomania was born. It weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces, and its mother is resting comfortably. The bris is scheduled for next Thursday at the temple downtown.

Backstage, wrestling announcer and professional gadfly Mean "Jean" Okerfeld interviewed the new champ:

Mean Jean Okerfeld: Hal, you've just won the "Ugly Green Strap". Any thoughts?
Hal Kogan: Well let me tell ya somethin', Mean Jean. I am so excited, brother. I am so pumped up, brother. This turns me on, brother!
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Halkster, I'm flattered, but this isn't the time or place for that. Perhaps later on we can…
Hal Kogan: Brother, this belt is for all my Halkomaniacs! This belt is part theirs, brother, it's part yours, Mean Jean..
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Can I hold it, then?
Hal Kogan: Uhh… you're talking about my belt, right?
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Sure.

Soon, Hal Kogan merchandise was EVERYWHERE!!! You had the Hal Kogan action figure, the Hal Kogan ice cream bar, the Hal Kogan beer stein, the Hal Kogan inflatable sex doll (at least I think it was supposed to look like him; the eighties were a confusing time for me), the Hal Kogan acne cream, the Hal Kogan E-Z bake oven, the Hal Kogan 52-piece chess set, Hal Kogan's Olde-Fashioned Peanut Butter, the Hal Kogan home workout kit (steroids sold separately), and of course, the Hal Kogan inflatable sex doll.

Kogan's reign of terror lasted until 1988, when Millionaire Man Teddy Beeassey's dirty money paid for plastic surgery to create a fake Andrew The Giant, who went on to capture the championship and make the following speech:

Mean Jean Okerfeld: Andrew The Giant… you've got to be kidding me!
Andrew The Giant: Mean Jean, I tell you I wool golan nurf ggg marsoeeen. Heeej mal worrrrrl!
Teddy Beassey: And you can take to the bank. Dahahahahahahahaha!!
Mean Jean Okerfeld: So I guess what you're saying, Ted, is that I can "bank on i…"
Teddy Beassey: … Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!

However, Halkomania wasn't dead. It was on life support, though, awaiting a kidney transplant. In the meantime, Vince MacMahon decided to give his top star a shocking new look for his big return.

Chapter Three: Clawing His Way Back To The Top

As was his nature, Hal Kogan left the WWF to very little fanfare, allowing his best friend Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage to win the company's top strap. While we was out of the business, Kogan went to conquer the one medium he had never explored before: Hollywood!!!

Armed with a variety of choice silver screen roles to play, The Halkstor picked a script that was apparently written by a four-year-old, the classic No Holds Bart. In a shocking stretch, he played a larger-than-life WWF Champion who overcomes the forces of evil by exercising his creative control clause and refusing to job to Zoos.

From there, Kogan made his glorious return to the company!!! And then his supposed "best friend" turned on him!!! And he accused him of "lusting" after his partner Leeta!!! And he found out that she was leaving cellphone messages for him while she was supposedly "out injured"!!! And it was the best infidelity storyline ever!!!

EVER!!!

And over the next couple of years, Kogan won the WWF (then known as "WWE") World Title four more times, defeating Sewage, Sgt. Slobber, The Old-School Classic Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like Used To Even Though Back Then He Really DID and Yozokuna.

At the point The Halkstor was accused of injecting himself in the ass with ALCOHOLIC STEROIDS!!! To prove he was innocent, Kogan appeared on "The Armenio Hall Show" and engaged in the following exchange:

Armenio Hall: A lot of folks think you may have possibly, accidentally, taken steroids.
Hal Kogan: No way, brother. I never took any stereos, brother.
Armenio Hall: No, I said steroids.
Hal Kogan: I'll tell ya, brother. I never once injected myself with asteroids, brother.
Armenio Hall: Give it up for The Dog Pound. Woof woof woof!

Kogan came back to the ring a few months later, looking exactly as he always did.

Chapter Four: Peak Physical Condition

Looking as ripped as ever, Kogan had one final WWF match, when he dropped the belt to Yozokuna when a photographer accidentally set his camera on fire, burning Hal in the face.

From there, Hal Kogan tackled the world of television by starring as a musclebound horrible actor on the syndicated series "Trouble In Paradise". And speaking of crappy TV shows…

Chapter Five: The WCW Years

Convinced by professional slimebucket Eric Bischov, Hal Kogan made his debut in World Championship Wrestling and on July 33rd, 1994, won a version of the world heavyweight title (It was no UWF title, to be sure), defeating middle-east wrestling veteran Nature Guy Ricky Flare.

Due to Kogan's popularity and not at all because of guys like Flare, The Stinger, and Biggie Van Vader, Bischov soon launched "Monday Night Ro", which went head-to-head with WWF's "Tuesday Night Titans" (often referred to as "Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw").

Unfortunately, WCW couldn't maintain its television-ratings momentum and gave up. Actually, that's not entirely true: Bischov discovered the missing ingredient to the Hal Kogan character: fake beard stubble.

Chapter Six: For Life

Who will ever forget the following promo?

Mean Jean Okerfeld: Hal Kogan, what in the world are you thinking?
Hal Kogan: Mean Jean, the first thing that you need to do is to tell these people to shut if you wanna hear what I gotta say.
Mean Jean: Uh… does that turn you on?
Hal Kogan: For the last time, brother - NO!!! The first thing you've got to realize, brother, is this right here is the future of wrestling. You can call this the New World Order of Wrestling, brother.
Mean Jean Okerfeld: You have made the wrong decision, in my opinion!
Hal Kogan: About sleeping with you?
Mean Jean Okerfeld: Sure.

Kogan teamed with "Big Sex Killer" Kevin Nash and Scott "Last Hall" Call to form the New World Order of Wrestling (nWoOw). This was only the beginning of a hot streak for the company, where tons of innovative and exciting concepts were created.

Oh, wait, no it wasn't.

Kogan toiled in the WCW midcard for years before being publicly fired by creative genius Vince Rousseau:

Vince Rousseau: One month ago, I left WCW. And, quite frankly... I didn't know if I was gonna come back. And the reason I didn't know if I was gonna come back or not, is because from day one, that I've been in WCW, I've done nothing... nothing but deal with the bullshit of the politics behind that curtain! Eric Bischov: Me, too. Join the club. Vince Rousseau: What the hell? Well, anyways... the fact of the matter is - I've got a wife, I've got three kids at home and I really don't need this shit. Canadian Bulldog: THEN JUST LEAVE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! Vince Rousseau: Bulldog, you stay outta this! Let me tell you the reason why I did come back. I came back for every one of the guys in that locker room that week in, week out, bust their ass for WCW. I came back for the Lash Leroux's, for the Sgt. Craig Pittman's. I came back for every single guy in Disorderly Conduct... I came back for the guys behind that curtain that give a shit about this company! And let me tell you who doesn't give a shit about this company... that goddamn politician Hal Kogan! Hal Kogan: Well, you're right about that, brother. I quit.

Chapter Seven: Back In The Spotlight. Again.

In 2002, a fresh-faced, new look Kogan returned to the spotlight of the WWF and began embroiled in a bitter feud with Rocky Maivia:

Rocky Maivia: The Rock has one thing to say… You talk about headlining, main-eventing WrestleMania after WrestleMania after WrestleMania. Well, Hal Kogan, the Rock says how do you feel about main-eventing one more WrestleMania...with the Rock?
Hal Kogan: Okay.

Afterwards, Kogan drove his truck through Maivia's head, killing him, and they went on to have a classic ******* match at WrestelMania X-18.

Kogan was soon turned "babyface" again (Did I explain that he turned heel before? Oops.) and went on win the WWF (formerly WWE) title from noted bigot Triple HHH.

He then lost the belt to Someone and was fired by Vince MacMahon for being too old and orange. There were rumors that he would return under a mask, but the company gave the job to up-and-comer Mister American instead.

Fast-forward to today. Since being fired by World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. Ltd. LLC, Kogan has dabbled in minor-league wrestling promotion NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass), shown up in a bunch more crappy films and hogs the spotlight while managing his OMG HOT DAUGHTER~!!!

Recently, MacMahon decided to mend fences when he found out that Kogan wasn't under the mask (it was actually The Patriot). So he invited The Halkstor to be inducted into the prestigious WWWE Hall of Fame, where he'll be respected alongside peers such as Pete Rose, Jimmy Valiant and Vince MacMahon Senior's Limousine Driver.

The only question that remains: Will Halkomania truly live forever?

BANK ON IT!!!

And if he doesn't, you can always check out the following T-shirt and worship a new hero.

Brother!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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