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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Book Report 

March 17, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I have to go back and fix myself, and take care of myself, and I have to go back and I have to find my smile because somewhere along the line I lost it. If you have any information that leads to the capture of my smile, call our confidential hotline at 1-800-CRIME-TV."      
          --Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels, 1996,
              speaking on America's Most Wanted  
              (the tag team, not the TV show).
 
Welcome, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the only place besides The Figure Four Weekly guaranteed to deliver you the TRUTH. I'm gubernatorial candidate Canadian Bulldog and we've got a ton of crap to get to this week, but first, a quick poll: 

What match are you looking most forward to at WMXX1?

(A) Dean Simon vs. HI-DAN-RIKE -- interpromotional WAR!!! 
(B) Stone Cold Steve Austen vs. Ex-Wife III 
(C) Bautista/Mister Tee vs. Triple HHH/Paul Orndork 
(D) The "Sex With Leeta" Hardcore Invitational 
(E) Yes

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official ITR website, as the first person to vote wins a brand-new... Whoops, looks like someone already beat you to it. Whoops, turns out that was me. And here are the results of our last poll:

Who will be the next Smack! Down General Manager?

(A) Who cares - 6 % 
(B) No, seriously. Who cares? - 26 % 
(C) I really, REALLY, don't care - 16 % 
(D) What's Smack! Down? - 26 % 
(E) Yes - 23 %

And now, onto the news...

Well, folks, we are exactly ONE week away from the big one. No, not that pathetic little "wrestling mania" shit or whatever it's called, but something I like to call:

LETTERS FROM A NUT VI: THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!!

Without even a trace of hyperbole, I can say that this will definitely be the greatest, most respected work of literature ever, and I include in that the Gordon Korman classic "Who Is Bugs Potter?". Watch for it in this space NEXT WEEK (LFAN, that is, not Bugs Potter)!!!

As you all know unless you're jerks, The Returning Leeta has split up with her long-time partner The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain or Mark Hardy Version XP, depending on whether or not you're keeping "katefabe". The reason why? Because she's been screwing around with ThEdge, whom she was just trying to console because he's still bitter about not being voted in as champion at Tabasco Tuesday.

Actually, when you think about it, there were several hints dropped about this whole affair if you'd just bothered to read the books of the superstars involved:

Excerpt: Life is really tough on the road as a WWE superstar. There's the endless travel you have to endure, pandering to all those stupid fans and pretending to listen to their pathetic stories, and let's be honest, the cocaine doesn't find itself. So anyways, I decided to have an affair with ThEdge.

Excerpt: By the way, I'm currently fucking Leeta. But please don't tell anyone, such as my wife or Mark Hardy. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because nobody's reading this piece of shit book anyways.

Excerpt: Mark: Amy and I have a very special relationship. It's tough because I'm not always there to look out for her. Thank goodness she has good friends like ThEdge to travel with, dine with, take showers with and share beds with. Jeff: Dude, she's so obviously cheating on you! Even an ambiguous freakjob like me can tell. Mark: Shut up! You're just jealous because I'm still in WWE and you're about to refuse rehab and then get shipped off to NWA T and A shortly after this book is published. Jeff: ... do you have any pills? Mark: You'll have to ask Amy. She said she finished off the last of my stash the other night after she had sex with... OH MY LORD!!! It's all starting to add up now. Jeff: WHAT'S starting to add up?

Excerpt: The first time I noticed that Leeta was cheating on Mark Hardy was back during a run in Chicago in November 1998. I was doing some promotional work for Vince and he asked me to leap headfirst off the Sears Tower, onto a mattress. After I landed, I decided to make fun of Al Snow by stripping him naked and taking numerous photographs of his dick and then showing the revealing photos on Sunday Night Heat. Then it occurred to me: Leeta was fooling around with ThEdge. Also my left elbow was missing.

Excerpt: Brother, we packed the Pontiac Silverdome with 200 million fans, and every last one of them loved me, brother. I was kind of worried that the eight-foot tall, 700 pound Andrew The Giant wasn't going to do the job for me, brother, even though what we do is all kind of pretend anyways. Then Vince MacMahon came up to and said 'Brother, we need you to win this match, brother, or else wrestling will never recover and all of us will be out of the business forever, brother'. So I sucked it up and pressed the nine-foot, 800 ton giant over my head and slammed him down to the appreciation of the 345 billion fans in attendance. Brother!

Excerpt: One night in Charlotte, we were at this bar and Leeta threw herself at me. So I took off all my clothes in public, which I apparently do all the time. She wanted to style - woooo - and profile with the Nature Boy. Wooo! Leeta wanted to walk that aisle - woooo - and ride space mountain. Wooo! Oh, and FYI, she was never a good worker. Woooo!

Excerpt: Please kill me.

Speaking of great things to read, I'm told that next week we can all look forward to:

LETTERS FROM A NUT VI: THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!!

Extreme Trouble In Paradise: There appears to be two different groups that are both presenting ECW shows, on the exact same day, at the exact same time, in the exact same building!!! World Wrestling Federtainment Ltd. Inc. Corp. has somehow retained the services of Johnny Dreamer, Tazzzzzz, The Dudley Brotherz and Takajiri, while a show put on by professional crybaby Shawn Douglas will feature special appearances by The Videographer That Diddled Little Boys and The Dead Fat Kid That New Jack Bladed. Can't wait to see that one (the WWE show, that is, not the other stuff).

First Kirstie Hemmey bared all in the pages of "Hustler Magazine", then Korean superstar Gay Kim had a series of "wardrobe malfunctions" during a photo shoot. Who's next? How about octogenarian sex symbol Mae Yung? That's right, the "Original Diva" is set to show the world her puppies in a very special edition of AARP Magazine, on newsstands everywhere never.

Everybody Has A Price: Word has it that "Millionaire Man" Teddy Beassey has left his Seasonal Residences to work for WWE. His duties will include spreading the good word of the lord and instilling the power of prayer, as well as knocking guys unconscious and then stuffing hundred-dollar bills in their throats.

Who could have imagined we'd see Sean McMichaels and Mary Jannetty reuniting to take on Los Resistance this past week on Raw? I always wondered what would happen if the greatest team of the 1990's took on the only team of the 2000's.

"The Showcase Of The Immaterials", better known as WrestelMania XXX1, is starting to shape up, and it will make it to paper-view just shortly after the debut of...

LETTERS FROM A NUT VI: THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!!

... which, of course, will run next week.

Already, the show is starting to shape up. While he hasn't officially chosen which title he wants to go after yet, many people "in the know" feel that Deacon Bautista will challenge his friend and life partner Triple HHH for the Ugly Gold Strap. On the other side of things, Jim Cena and Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld have been talking tough, and may just decide to settle their differences at "The Grandfather Of Them All".

Between those matches; an interpromotional bout between Kur Tangle and Someone; Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! trying to fulfill his density by challenging Someone Else; The Best Show taking on the sumo grand champion Akeboner; and the 6-way "BANK ON IT!!!" ladder match, the show is starting to shape up as possibly the best ever!

EVER!!!

This just in: Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! is going to turn HEEL! HEEL! BAH GAWD, HEEL!!!!!! To get him ready for this challenging role, WWE writers had planned to bring back Old Timers for Orton to squash, but most of them are either too Cranky or Stonedto appear on television!!! So next week, Orton will go the graveyard to prove he can beat up dead legends!!! And then he'll dig up the corpses of Andrew The Giant, Lou Thez, Rick Rood, Crash Hardy and Leeta's Baby and then give them all RKO's!!! And it will be the best exhumation vignette ever!!!

EVER!!!

The following is a list of wrestling DVD's that will probably make it video stores this year, next year or never:

  • "We Screwed Bret" -- Vince MacMahon reveals, for the first time ever, that he INTENTIONALLY told the referee to "Ring the fucking bell!" during the match between Brad "Hatman" Hurt and Sean McMichaels. Special guest commentary by Triple HHH and Nature Guy Ricky Flare, who will tell everyone why Bret was a shitty worker. 
  • "The Ultimate He Buries Them Alive Collection" -- Watch The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To squash competitor after competitor after competitor in the exact same manner each time until you just CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND WANT TO STAB YOURSELF IN THE EAR MULTIPLE TIMES WITH A BLUNT PARING KNIFE!!! Available soon. 
  • "The Ultimate Worrier's Greatest Promos" -- Includes the one where he's not really making a lot of sense. 
  • "Pal London's Greatest Matches So You Marks Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up" -- Featuring his classic bouts with Billy The Kid-Sized Man, Chavito Guerrera Junior, Akira, and whoever else is left on the Little Heavyweight roster. 
  • "Ramped Up: The Videos Volume Two" -- FINALLY!!! 
  • "Let's Examine One More Time Why WCW Failed" -- Hosted by Eric Bischov, who is crying throughout the whole thing.

Well, that about does it for this week. Be sure... oh, wait a minute. I almost forgot. Next week, we've got a special edition of this column. What is it? I thought you'd never ask. It's called:

LETTERS FROM A NUT VI: THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!!!

And there's nothing anyone, not even Vince MacMahon, can do to stop it! Unless you provide me with one of those "Cease and Desist" thingies again. Anyhoo...

Be sure to send any questions to bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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