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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Letters From a Nut VI:
The UUULLLLLLLTIMATE Challenge 

March 24, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Bulldog's Note: So this may end up being my last "Letters From A Nut" for this website.

No, no -- I'm not leaving OO or anything. But I am focusing my letter-writing efforts on a NEW project -- an upcoming (self-published) book of letters that will include the dozens you've seen on this

website since last summer, plus a TON you haven't. It's not imminent, but I do hope to have this project completed at some point this spring. Stay tuned for more details...

In the meantime, here is another round of ACTUAL e-mails sent to ACTUAL wrestlers, and the ACTUAL responses too. We're talking three - count 'em, three - Hall Of Famers in this edition, as well as a current WWE star, and a couple of former ones.

Ahhh, who the hell am I kidding? This is professional wrestling we're talking about! How many retirement stipulations actually stick? So while this probably won't be the last LFAN column ever... will it be the last one for a while?

BANK ON IT!!!

Bulldog


 
Dear Kimala The Ugandan Headbanger,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I used to hang out with Sika back in the day.

I am currently the Director of Product Development for Q-Tel Products Inc., a firm that is eerily similar to K-Tel. We produce and sell music and DVD compilations for the masses to enjoy.

My question: I am currently working on a comp CD, tentatively called "Kamala's Jungle Boogie Dance Party". What we wanted to know is -- would you be interested in appearing in the infomercial?

You wouldn't have to do much, just stand around with a confused look on your face and from time to time headbutt some of the dancers. Let me put it this way; it would be less work than the stuff you had to do with the Raw Divas last year.

What do you think? Call me crazy (many have), but I have a funny feeling that Kamala's Jungle Boogie Dance Party wouldn't be the same without you!

Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Hello, This is Kamala the Ugandan Giant.

Thanks for the e-mail. I am currently working on a CD myself, but this don't stop me from doing this with you all, but, first thing is there any money in it for me.

If you would please give me details about the pay. It sounds very interesting. Let me know. Happy holiday to you.

Kamala
 

(Bulldog's Note: I am SO buying that album!!!)
 

Dear Kimala,

Thanks for the compliment!!!

Unfortunately at this time, there would be no compensation involved, although you'd certainly be able to plug your new album on the infomercial (is it rap or hop-hop, by the way? I can imagine them sampling "Aiiiieeeeee" over and over again).

Anyhoo.... let me know if that is agreeable and we will proceed accordingly. Otherwise, best of luck in your burgeoning musical career.

Canadian Bulldog

P.S. Do you still have the spear that you stabbed Kimchee with?


Dear "Boogie Man" Jimmy Valient,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We chatted for about 10 minutes at a show in Memphis a few years ago, then you said you had to "run".

My question: I am kind of in a bind. My company is making plans for its annual Christmas party, to be held at the end of this month. YES, I realize this is February already; don't blame me! Anyways, we would like YOU to play Santa Claus.

As St. Nick, you would hand out gifts to our children, sing songs and near the end of the show, bodyslam our Chief Executive Officer Jeb Tennyson Lund. It's okay; he's just a mark. That will teach him to hold an Xmas party in February!

Our board of directors selected you because of your uncanny resemblance to Kris Kringle, so we are certainly hoping you can make it to the big bash. Please let us know ASAP, or else we have to go with Xanta Claus instead.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Hi Bulldog,

Great hearing from you. Boogie's Wrestling Camp Hall of Fame Museum. Founded in 1992 by Jimmy and Angel Valiant. Open 52 Sundays a year. Please come any Sunday from 12 noon till 4 pm and be our guest. For more info check out our cool web site at www.Jimmyvaliant.com

(Bulldog's note: What the hell is it with the plugs this time 'round? You'd never see me shilling my shoddy merchandise like that...)

Bulldog, since I saw you in Memphis I have retired and shaved my beard off. I would love to do the party but you would have to rent a false beard. My wife Angel and I would have to flown in and you would have to get us a room, plus, my fee would be $600.00 US dollars. Thanks brother.

Love you. Hope to see you soon.

Boogie and Angel
 

Dear Boogie Woogie Boogie Man,

Thanks for the compliment!!!

However, I did not realize that you've since shaved your beard (those liars at PWTorch.com!). I've just checked our corporate insurance policy, and it doesn't (currently) cover the costs of beard-rental insurance, so unfortunately we're going to have to pass.

But thanks for your interest. If we ever need a beardless Santa, you'll be the first person I think of.

I love you, too,

Bulldog


Dear Nickolai Volkov,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I asked you to sign my jacket at an auto show several years back. You complied, even though my marker had almost run out of ink.

My question: I am currently President of an organization known as the Canadian Communist Ideals Party, a semi-serious political party with headquarters in Toronto. We would like YOU to appear at our annual convention in March because of your obvious ideological ties.

All you would have to do is make a brief speech, sing the Russian national anthem (just for "fun") and headbutt our master of ceremonies Rick Scherer. From there it's on to our MASSIVE SWEET TABLE and all the punch you can handle!

What do you think? Please let us know ASAP. It's either you or that no-good Soldat Ustinov.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply (from his manager): 
Whatever you want. As long as we can get out of the country alive!

Nikita
 

Dear Nikita,

It's hard to say.

Canadians tend to be a very hardcore group when it comes to politics. I'm not even joking! We lost our NHL hockey earlier this year and some guy named Cory Harris was stabbed to death with a goalie mask (true story!).

So if you are among us who support a hate-filled, communist Canada, it's very difficult to gauge how the Canadian public will react. Sometimes they act with gentle good humor towards different political ideologies.

But not often.

Anyways, now that I've made that disclaimer, I present the offer to you. Please let me know how we can proceed. Note that commercial flight into the country is no longer an option because of various, shall we say, security breaches.

Your options are (a) via tugboat, which would take six (6) days from Moscow, (b) hot air balloon or (c) sneaking through the border at 3 a.m. (not always recommended).

A dossier will be send second-class to your address. Please make sure to include any relevant information, such as food and bullet allergies, blood, hair and urine samples and all necessary inoculations against snake venom. We look forward to seeing you soon. Please let us know if you need any directions, etc. as well as ammunition.

Peace, out, 
Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Before we get too deep, are you serious about the flying, because that is the only way we could go.

Nikita
 

Dear Nikita,

I'm not entirely sure what you mean about the flying. I do not have a pilot's license, per se, if that's what you're asking.

Or do you mean that Nikaolay is afraid to fly, a la B.A. Baracus on The A-Team? If that's the case, I'm sure we could slip him something in his drink and knock him out until he arrives at the destination. Then we'd got locked in a shed by the bad guys and build something like a high-powered jeep that blows everyone up (but doesn't kill them) just before Col. Decker shows up. I love it when a plan comes together!

Anyways, glad to see you guys are going to be "on board" for our rally!

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Very funny, if it's not funny than forget it.

We don't mind doing wrestling related gimmick things, all in fun, with the proper audience, but if it's legit hardcore politics, forget it.

Nikolai wants to run for public office himself, so any negative publicity would be met with a big NO! Only good humor wrestling antics, nothing more. He won't even work as a heel anymore in his hometown. Besides, Nikolai hates communism, it's only for the tired old gimmick that he does it.

Nikita
 

(Bulldog's Note: So far, we've seen Kamala The Musician, Jimmy Valiant the Museum Curator and Nikolai Volkoff, Gubernatorial Hopeful. Don't you DARE tell me ITR doesn't break news!!!)
 

Dear Nikita, 

With all due respect, this IS in good humor! Don't let a handful of bloodthirsty racist Canadian murderers ruin the reputation for the rest of us!!!

There may be a way around this -- we could possibly have Nikolay hold up a torch (a la The Olympics) then have someone trip him and it "accidentally" burns the Canadian flag. That way he doesn't hurt his political aspirations and we still get our photo-op -- it's a win-win-win situation!!!

By the way, I seem to recall a time when Nikolay and Boris Zuhhovv once won a Slammy award for sharing a toothbrush or something, then they simultaneously tripped on stage when they accepted it. How can my thing POSSIBLY be bad publicity compared to that?

Peace, out, 
Bulldog

Reply: 
You know what, I don't want any more part of this goofy shit. Cease e-mailing me, I'm not opening them from you anymore.
 

Dearest Nikita,

Apologies for any confusion - there was no disrespect intended.

But I am unclear now -- should I be emailing Nikalay directly then? And should we keep his name on our promotional posters, or is he going to no-show? The last thing I want is to have his name in our newsletters knowing that there's an outside chance he's not going to be there...

Bulldog


Dear Jimmy Noble,

Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We once hung out for a few minutes at a Thunder taping, but then you said you had to go. So I talked to Glacier for a while instead.

My question: I now run CXW (Canadian Xtreme Wrestling) and we are holding our annual March Mania show on March 16th this year. Are you interested in attending?

This is what would happen -- I act as the evil figurehead commissioner of CXW and in November, I awarded the title to Pappy McPhee, who in the storylines is my 94-year-old grandfather. But it's just a work; he's not really my grandfather.

We would like you to put him over in a Toronto Streetfight match for the title to establish "street cred" with him before he moves onto a program with Superfly Snuka this summer. Pappy is actually quite talented; he can take most bumps, although you can't really push him around the hip or neck area. He also sometimes gets a little confused and tries to exit the ring and have a nap. Otherwise, he's a total professional.

So what do you think? I have a feeling the fans would much rather see you put over my storyline grandfather than Buff Bagwell (ugh). Let me know ASAP.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Reply: 
I am currently open on that date. 500 american all expenses paid fly from Orlando or Melbourne FL

Thanks
 

(Bulldog's Note: So wait a sec... he charges less than Valiant? Something's not right there...)
 

Dear Jimmy,

Thank you for your interest in our event. Unfortunately, Pappy McPhee (real name: Cornelius Fitzsimmons) passed away over the weekend. He died peacefully and was among family when he went. The death was NOT related to his wrestling activities, despite what Meltzer might print in his dirtsheet next week. Possibly drugs.

That said, we ARE going to be holding a memorial tournament in his honor sometime down the road, after the controversy ies down, etc. Would you be interested in attending? Johnny ITR, Gimmick Man, Tarheel Mike and Big Fat Goalie have already agreed "in principle" to be part of this fiasco. Pappy would have wanted it that way. Plus, it might help to eliminate any negative publicity you may receive as being the last scheduled opponent for a 94 year-old wrestler (it wasn't me who leaked it; I swear). Totally your call.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog


Dear Bobby "The Brian" Heenen

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You called me a "humanoid" many, many years ago backstage at the Maple Leaf Gardens.

My question: I am the cartooning business these days, and because your life has been an inspiration to many, I would like to fashion a Saturday morning cartoon after you. It would be called "The Brain and Captain Topper Adventure Hour".

Mark Hamill has agreed "in principle" to voice the Brain character (though if you actually wanted to do it yourself, I'm sure that could be arranged). Stuart Stone (the voice of Chucky from My Pet Monster and Ralphie from the Magic School Bus) would play Captain Topper, a space ranger who plays by his own rules.

So what do you think? I think this has all the making of being a fantastic cartoon show. I can even send you a quick mock-up of you and Captain Topper on Mars, fighting crime.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Bulldog,

Interested in hearing what you have to offer. Give me a ring. 
(Phone number withheld)
 

Dear Brain (I won't call you "Weesel", LOL!!!),

Here is a mock-up of what our artists have compiled. Glad to have you on board!

Bulldog

Reply: 
Received the cartoon. So, what is this? I don't deal with a person without a name. What is your concept?
 

Dear Mr. Heenen,

Bad news. Fox Kids has "scrapped" our plans for a Saturday morning cartoon. Not sure where things fell apart; possibly because of the whole tainted fruit "thing".

Anyways, we thank you for your interest in this project and will keep your name on file for future collaborations.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog


Dear Aron Aguilieira (a/k/a "Jesus")

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I met you at a restaurant earlier this year and got your autograph. We talked for a bit, until you had to leave.

My question: We are putting on a "Wrestlers For Jesus" card this March and wanted to see if you could attend. The thing is, this was originally supposed to be a religious wrestling event, but people got kind of angry when they found out about where the proceeds were going. Also the blading.

So someone mentioned on my website this week (ok, fine. It was me.) that this was actually a benefit show for the wrestler Jesus, not the prophet Jesus. You'd been injured recently, so why NOT a benefit card for you? Unfortunately, now people are expecting you to at least show up and sign autographs (my fault again).

So what do you think? Our backers feel this would be a win-win situation for everyone involved. Well, except for the religious groups, but enough with them already. Please let me know ASAP.

Sincerely, 
Canadian Bulldog

Reply: 
Sounds great. I would love to do this. Call WWE and ask if its ok and ill be there.
 

(Bulldog's Note: Oh, shit!)
 

Dear Jesus,

Just cleared it with Shane and they're fine with it. In fact, they love the idea!

I'll send you a copy of the promotional posters soon. It was tough work because we had to erase all of the religious stuff, but I'm convinced we've got a best-seller on our hands. One quick question: do you have any previous experience giving sermons?

Peace, out, 
Bulldog

After a few weeks, I sent the following:

Dear Jesus,

Our "Jesus Benefit Card" is progressing along nicely -- we have managed to sell out Tampa, Florida's Jeb Lund Center For The Performing Arts in record time. The merchandise is coming all nicely as well, though I was told by our committee that the "WWJD" T-Shirts are in poor taste.

Here is the final lineup for the show:

BulldogCorp. Presents 
JESUS BENEFIT CARD 
Sunday, April 3rd Jeb Lund Center, Tampa

Main Event -- SCAFFOLD MATCH! 
Canadian Bulldog Vs. WWE's Jesus Aguiileiria

Tag Team Title Bout 
The "New" Road Warriors Vs. The Jabroni Express

"Fire" Casket Match 
(First person to set the casket on fire wins!) 
Matt Hocking Vs. "Web Master" Rick Scherer

Legends Match 
Abdoulla The Butcher Vs. Bruiser Brodie*

Elimination Rumble 
(Last man in the cage wins) 
"Hollywood" Stuart Stone Vs. Gimmick Man Vs. Johnny ITR Vs. Tarheel Mike

* - not the originals

Plus: Free autographs and photographs from WWE star Aron Aiguileira. A portion of the proceeds will benefit Jesus and also BulldogCorp. Get your tickets today at all MegaMart outlets and Hillbilly Jim's Used Auto Heaven. Seating is limited!

 

Reply: 
I'm on the card? Can you send me some of those wwjd shirts?
 

(Bulldog's Note: Oh, shit!)
 

Dear Jesus,

Didn't I already tell you that you'd be working the main event scaffold match against me? I probably should have clarified that. Oh, I hope that will still be okay. If not, this is going to be like that Hogan incident all over again...

As far as the WWJD shirts go, we only have women's shirts available currently, but they can be found here. If that still works for you -- hey, who am I to judge? -- let me know. Otherwise, we also have a fabulous Bulldog Still Rules shirt on sale that all the kids are talking about these days.

Let me know ASAP if you're cool with the scaffold match. Don't worry; it's been reinforced since the accident in 2002. Also let me know about the Carlito thing.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Womens shirts, cool! Send me about 5 for my cousins and aunts. And throw in a couple of those bulldog ones too.
 

(Bulldog's Note: Oh, shit!)
 

Dear Jesus, 

Bad news. Due to OVERWHELMING pressure for the religious nuts (sorry "groups"), it looks like they're won't be a "Wrestlers For Jesus" show after all. They have threatened to stage a public boycott at the Jeb Lund Center that night, even though they apparently have NO problems with "Randy And Me" and "Sickening Mutant Bastard". Go figure? 

I am sorry about all of this, but because we're essentially taking a bath on the show now, I can't afford to comp you on the shirts. However, feel free to buy as many as you'd like (or why don't you hit up Carlito for an advance?). 

Thanks again for understanding. Perhaps we can fit you in on the 9/12 Satan Benefit Show.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

 

Reply: 
Really? I actually thought this show was going to happen.
 

Dear Jesus, 

Thanks for the compliment. I thought we were really going to pull this off as well. Don't you hate religious groups? But your efforts won't be forgotten, and may even be mentioned in this month's BulldogCorp newsletter. Keep hope alive!!!

Canadian Bulldog

P.S. You should sue Depeche Mode for using your name in their song.


And that's all she wrote, folks. I think this may actually be the lengthiest ITR column ever (EVER!!!). I'll be back next week with an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED WrestelMania XXX1 preview, and don't forget about the book!

Be sure to send me any non-threatening feedback to bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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