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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Inside Scoop on WrestleMania 21 

March 31, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"If ya wanna me see go make a buncha shitty movies no one will ever watch, gimme an 'Oh heck yes'!" 
      -- Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, recently.
Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT HAIRY edition of Inside The Ropes, the only wrestling column that also advertises a "Best Shirt Ever! EVER!!!". I'm Canadian Bulldog, jobber to the stars. Welcome.
 
As you all know by know unless you're stupid or Matt Hocking, we are just TWENTY-SEVEN days away from "The Grandfather Of Them All"; "The Showcase Of The Immaterials"; an event so big, they had no choice but to call it: WrestelMania XXX1: WrestelMania Goes Bollywood.

What kind of in-depth analysis can I give

you marks readers that's different from what you're getting on other websites? I thought about this burning question for at least thirty seconds. Then it hit me: a piece of my ceiling (we are having plaster problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE). But once I came to, I was WAY behind schedule and had to provide this piece of shit instead:

The ONLY WrestelMania Preview You Need 
(Unless You Want One That's Factually Accurate)

First, a few facts about the big event. DID YOU KNOW?:

  • The show is named after its creator, socialite Russ L. Mania the Twenty-First
  • Future Hall O' Famer Hollywood Hal Kogan may break his usual ban of public appearances to make a rare cameo? 
  • World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow Iraqi superstar Mohachmed Hussein to wrestle on the show because he's racist? 
  • World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow HI-DAN-RIKE, Chris Masterpiece, SHNITSKY!!! and Kenzozoki Sazozuki to wrestle on the show because they ABSOLUTELY SUCK? 
  • Expected in the audience of the show is B-movie actor Stuart Stone, who'd better show up with a Canadian Bulldog-related sign, if he knows what's fucking good for him?

And now, onto the matches:

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Deacon Bautista Washington Monument 300ish Big! Many Afraid to be touched
Triple HHH Vince MacMahon's guest house Don't know 6 feet plus Banging bosses daughter Pushes young talent too much

Who could have predicted just three short weeks ago that the two co-founders of Revolution would be squaring off? No one, that's who!!!

The problem here is that Bautista obviously never knew how good he had it until he betrayed his former teammates. He could have been someone. He could have been a contender. But now, Triple HHH will have to show him why everyone calls him "The Criminal Assassin."

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Too close to call.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
John Ceno The Mean Streets of Somewhere Cruiser Average Yo, you can't see him Suffers from acute cheappopitis
John Breadshaw Lagerfeld Wall Street, Texas Too much 6"10 or 5"9 Bigot Rapist

I understand that Smack! Down district manager T.D. Long made this match, but otherwise I would have figured it was made in WORKRATE HEAVEN!!!

One of these guys is rich, snobby and racist, while JLB has proven time and time again that he is a "wrestling dog". One can only wonder what happens when SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CULTURES COLLIDE.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Not sure.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Kur Tangle The Olympics A slim, trim 217 pounds Barely The three I's: Intestiny, Importance and one other one Neck keeps breaking, falling off
Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels San Antonio Spurs No, you wait Varies Xtreme Sexiness Blades at least once an hour

These two former "tag team specialists" are finally ready to prove to the world that they, too, can wrestle an adequate match in a one-on-one situation.

This all started when HKB "accidentally" eliminated Tangle from the Regal Rumble. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Tangle disguised himself as a cameraman and attacked himself at a Smack! Down taping, leaving himself lying in a pool of his own blood. From there, McMichaels tried to imitate all of his own career highlights on Raw, such as Refusing To Put Over Brett Heart and Being Beat Up By A Bunch Of Marines.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Yes.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! Same town as his punk-ass dad Probably 5"21 Never has to lug around cumbersome books None whatsoever
The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To The Morgue 340 kg Yes Advantageous position of being deceased The guy ain't in his 40's anymore, if ya catch my drift

It's the age old question all of you marks fans have been asking: What would happen if a legend who refuses to job ever faced off against a moron?

Obviously, the momentum is currently with ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! because his father, Father Orton, is being indicted into the Hall O' Fame, and also because he recently gave his H20 finisher to Stacey Keebler. But will that be enough when he's going against a man who's 176-0 at WrestelMania? WILL IT???

OOfficial PredictiOOn: WELL, WILL IT???

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Chris Benwah Edmonton, Atlanta Under control Vanilla midget Technical wrestling specialist Bad breath
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Also from The Morgue 6"6 303 pounds Fire Leeta is two-timing him
The Christian The Vatican Could stand to a lose a few pounds 5.5 metres They don't call him "Captain Christmas" for nothing! Snidely Whiplash-style moustache
ThEdge Bulldog's backyard -- literally (you better return that frisbee, BASTARD!) 23 metric tonnes Yes Not afraid to sleep his way to the top Leeta is two-timing him
Sheldon Benjamin What do I look like, a fucking Atlas? Who cares? Honestly, are you even READING this at this point? P.S. I have murdered several people P.S.S. Actor Stuart Stone is gay
Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Don't know Unknown Not sure n/a Leeta is two-timing him

If the idea of six guys repeatedly tossing themselves off aluminum stepladders is what you want, then THIS IS THE MATCH FOR YOU, PALLY!!!

The winner of this match will be the first person to grab hold of the glass ceiling!!! And then they get to shatter it!!! And that will make Triple HHH cry!!! But there's nothing he can do about it because it's part of the stipulation!!! And so he'll make Nature Guy Ricky Flare job to The Brooklyn Basher because he's so pissed!!! And it will be the best match ever!

OOfficial PredictiOOn: EVER!!!

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Kirstie Hemmey Playboy Mansion, living with Hugh Hebner Won't tell us 6 foot something Often naked Sudden emergence of facial hair
Tritch Stratus My dreams! 375 lbs. Height Has captured Bulldog's heart SLUT!!!

These ladies are mad at each other for appearing on consecutive covers of Playgirl Magazine. But I ask ya, is THAT a reason to have a feud? (Sigh) women...

Of note is that The Returning And No Longer Pregnant But Still Slutty Leeta will be a neutral corner, making sure that neither competitor pulls off any moves without injuring themselves.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Don't care.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
The Best Show Deepest, Darkest Africa 5,000 pounds 9"3 Wears a Mr. T-style Mohawk quite well Fat
Akeboner China 5,000,000,-
000,000,000,-
000,000,000 ounces
4"2 Fat Banzai!

Everywhere I go these days (airports, hotels, NAMBLA meetings), people come up to me and say "Who is this Akeboner guy?". To which I respond "Thanks for the compliment!!!". Then they usually walk away quietly...

The Best Show is in for the BEST SHOW (pun not intended) of his life, putting the over the fat Asian superstar in the center of the ring. This one all comes down to which wrestler wants it more, and also whom the bookers have predetermined will win.

OOfficial PredictiOOn: This prediction brought to you by IcoPro -- "you've got to want it".

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera Spain 112 pounds 2"9 He lies. He cheats. He steals. He lies. He cheats. He steals.
Roy Mysterio Junior New Spain 12 pounds 0"3 Fast Furious

This dream team was getting along just fine until earlier this year, when Guerrera accused Mysterio of "lusting after" Elizabeth. But they continued to stick it out until Guerrera abandoned his partner during a match with The Twin Towers. And the end of the show came with Roy walking through the halls muttering "Edddddddddddddie! Eddddddddddie! EDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

And now... the team of Guerrera and Mysterio EXPLODES, here at WrestelMania!!!

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Put the smart money on the guy with Latin heritage.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Name From Weight Height Strengths Weaknesses
Rod Roddy Piper Glasgow, Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland at least 400 Head and shoulders above the competition Crazy No, seriously
Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

For the first time ever, two of the biggest drinkers/drug-abusers/psychos/wifebeaters will "lock horns" on the grandest stage of them all. Who will win? Folks... who WON'T win?

OOfficial PredictiOOn: Hard to pick a winner

There you have it. From where I sit (my living room, avoiding the falling plaster), this one is shaping up to be the biggest, baddest and most boring paper-view ever! (EVER!!!). If you have any questions, comments or want to e-mail me with the results (I won't be watching it), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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