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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The ITR 50 (or, The Edge-ucation 
of the Canadian Bulldog) 

May 5, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Every week for the past two years, I have used this opening space to quote a famous saying from a wrestler. Never before though, have I had a wrestler quote a famous saying from ME. And certainly never TWICE in forty-eight hours! Until now, that is…

     "Bank on it!!!"
            -- ThEdge, Sunday, May 1, 2005

     "This interview… IS OVER!!!"
             -- ThEdge, Monday, May 2, 2005

 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and POORLY THOUGHT-OUT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the new promo-writer for Adam Copeland. We've got a lot to get to this week, so let's…

… oh wait, we don't have to get to this week. Hmmm… I suppose I could bust

out another Retro ITR™, except I already did one of those two weeks ago.

What about one of them "Letters From A Nut" things? Oh, that's right, I already retired that. Crap!

Okay, okay, I've got it. How about I use this column to debut the most INNOVATIVE, INTERESTING and INNOVATIVE concept in sports entertainment? It's just a little concept I like to call:

THE ITR 50!!!

But first, so that everyone knows what the inaugural (AND first-ever) ITR 50 is all about, a few Frequently Asked Questions and Understandings to better explain things:

F.A.Q.U.

Q: What criteria did you use to compile this most prestigious ranking?
A: Thanks for the compliment!!!

Q: Are you kind of just making this shit up as you go along?
A: BANK ON IT!!!

Q: Is there any scientific basis for this study, or is it more a subjective list that really anyone could do, and at that, probably much more comprehensively?
A: EVER!!!

And now, on with the list:
 

(50) Demolition Smush 

  • One half of the current tag team champions.
  • Has bad breath.
  • Awful fighter/great lover.

(49) "Macho Men" Randy Santana 

  • Half of the MegaManiacPowers tag team.
  • Loved to snap into Slim Jams.
  • (May have) killed his wife.

(48) NwO Sting 

  • Likes jumping from buildings for some reason.
  • Uses Sheldon Benjamin's "Stinger Splash" as a finisher.
  • Nice ass.

(47) Sheldon Benjamin

  • Former WWE Intercontinational Champion.
  • Born on the mean streets of Somewhere.
  • Afraid of heights.

(46) Amateur Wrestling

  • Very cool.

(45) Christopher Lewinski

  • Extremely intelligent; can type up to 60/wpm.
  • A "Triple Crown" champion in All-Japan, New Japan, Old Japan and Rare Japan.
  • Often dumb.

(44) Visceria

  • Has evil, crazy eyes.
  • Wears a garbage bag to the ring.
  • Great dancer.

(43) Bunch Of Random Guys

  • All significant in their own right.

(42) The Weedwhackers

  • Completely unpredictable.
  • Even though every match of theirs was exactly the same.
  • (Probably) did lots of drugs.

(41) Old Men

  • Ready for any challenge life throws them.
  • Unless they have to, you know, do anything for it.
  • Notoriously bad breath.

(40) The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain 

  • Killed high school sweetheart Kate Vickie.
  • Killed Elizabeth.
  • Killed Leeta.

(39) Fancy Man (as Bubby used to call him)

  • What a jerk!
  • Look at him, stupid referee!
  • It used to be they did wrestling; now all they do is punch.

(38) May Yung

  • Old.
  • Sexy.
  • HORNY!!!

(37) Vampira

  •  Really used to be a vampire!
  • One Scary mofo.
  • NWA T&A won't even use him!

(36) Ninth Wonder Of The World China

  • Don't treat me like a woman.
  • Don't treat me like a man.
  • Don't treat me like you know me.
  • Just treat me for who I am.

(35) Jake Tunney

  • Figurehead President of old WWWF
  • Likes to present "power-packed cards"
  • Don'cha dare miss it!

(34) Bird Man Cocoa Beware

  • Always accompanied by his macaw Freddie.
  • Loved to sing.
  • Wait… this was actually his gimmick?

(33) SHNITSKY!!!

  • Not (entirely) his fault.

(32) Batista

  • Oops, wait. Wrong guy…
  • There - much better:

(31 – 25) Roy Mysterio

  • Quicker than a hiccup.
  • Faster than a speeding locomotive in a single bound.
  • Much taller in real life.

(24) "Hollywood" Stu Stone

  • Gossip columnist for Inside The Ropes.
  • Leader of the infamous Stone Movement.
  • Starred in such films as JewHF, It Lived In The Basement and the Max Milhouse franchise.

(23) Simon Dean Douglas 

  • Fitness instructor/high school teacher.
  • Hates "Dick" Flair.
  • Developed the patented Simpson System.

(22) Outback Jerk

  • Claims to possess to strength of ten men.
  • Likes to tie his kangaroos down, sport.
  • Disappeared into the Australian outback, never to be seen again. Just like The Wiggles.

(21) Paul Burier

  • Often referred to as the brains behind the brawn.
  • Fat.
  • Life ended tragically last year when he was buried in a pit of cement.

(20) The Patriot 

  • A real American hero!
  • Or wait… was that G.I. Joe?
  • Never mind.

(19) Sexual Mark Chocolate

  • Dubbed "The World's Strongest Fat Man"
  • Much like a Snickers bar, he can go for hours and hours.
  • Once gave birth to a hand.

(18) Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey

  • Made of money!!!
  • Gave his ca$h to charity once he became "Born Again".
  • Now lives in poverty with his bodyguard Virgin.

 

(17) The Road Worriers

  • Have makeup and spikes fetish.
  • Accomplished very little of note.
  • Did you ever go on that roller coaster where it goes up really high and then comes soaring down at unbelievable speeds? That's so cool.

(16) Some Jerk

  • Probably quite sexy.
  • Much tougher than he looks.
  • Writes some sort of column somewhere.

(15) Mouth in the South Jim E. Hart

  • Often hogs the glory for himself.
  • Awesome singing voice.
  • Not to be taken lightly.

(14) WCW Superbrawl Opening Screen

  • "No second chance."
  • "Who wants Vader?"
  • "Wooooo!"
  • "I'm Badddddd!"
  • "It's not my fault!"
  • "Owwwwwww!"
  • "A thirst for high impact!"

(13) "Bam Bam" Bugaloo

  • BAM! BAM! BAM BAM BAM!

(12) Vince MacMahon

  • "Screw you, Austin! You're FIRRRRRREDDDDD!"
  • "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."
  • "Quite frankly, I would suggest that Bret screwed Bret."
  • "HOO-AH!"

(11 - 8) Chris Candida

  • Wrestled in WWF as Skipper of the Primadonnas.
  • Used to whine a lot.
  • Currently deceased.

(7) Hurricane Helmsley/Super Rosie (tie)

  • Actually possess super powers, such as super-jobbing and super-squash-matches.
  • A riot at parties.
  • Wait… THEY WON THE BELTS?!?

(Anime picture courtesy of Concrete TG.)

(6) Old-Time Wrestlers

  • Very cool.

(5) Hollywood Hal Kogan

  • Universally regarded as the best person in wrestling ever.
  • EVER!!!
  • So I'm not sure why he's not number one…

(4) Master Fuji

  • Master of the martial arts.
  • Likes to snort ceremonial salt.
  • Favorite saying: "INDEED!"

 

(3) E-C-Dub

  • Feared by many, respected by all.
  • Has plenty of money to go around.
  • Rated "E" for Everyone.

(2) Bret "Hateman" Hurt

  • Occasionally miffed about Montreal incident.
  • Youngster shows much promise.
  • Allegedly screwed himself somehow. And possibly Matt Hardee.

(1) ThEdge 

  • Stole you-know-who's you-know-what because he's a you-know-what.
  • Obviously you read this column, JERK, so how about instead of starting your theme song with "You think you know me?", switch it to "Don't Pretend Like You Don't Know Who I Am!!!"
  • Or you could just close next week's promo with "Thanks for the compliment!!!". I mean, would it KILL you to give props to me three times in a row? PLEASE???

 

And there you have it, folks, the first-ever semi-weekly ITR 50. If you have suggestions, additions, subtractions, multiplications or divisions to this list, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Edg… er, I mean… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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