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Superstar Wars: A New Hope 

May 18, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


(Note: The following pay-per-view happened recently. Most of you just probably didn't see it because the event was exclusive to this particular region. With that in mind, what follows in an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED recap.)

The PPV starts with the WWE logo, followed by an introductory video: 

A Long, Long Time Ago
In A Galaxy Far, Far Away
The Rebellion Faced A New Challenge
Besides The Evil Empire

Thus The Galaxy Decided
To Settle Their Scores Once And For All

This Time Not With Each Other But 
With World Wrestling Entertainment

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "Welcome, everyone, to the sold-out Tattooine Clone War Veterans Coliseum! Bah gawd, this promises to be an historic event!"

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: "Woo hoo, JR! I can't wait to check out Queen Amidala's Puppies! But who's that clown next to you?"

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "I have no earthly idea; probably something Eric Bischov came up with. Let's go down to ringside for our first match!"

C-3PO and R2-D2 Vs. Mohachmed Hussein and Osama Arafat

The crowd chants "U-S-A! U-S-A!" for some reason. Hussein locks up with Threepio to start. Hussein and Arafat begin double-teaming, but each time Artoo tries to enter the ring, the referee walks over to admonish him. Finally, Artoo projects a video from his dome, distracting the heels, which allows Threepio to bust out a top-rope plancha.

Tag is made to Artoo, who whirrs and squeals with delight. After a brief comeback against Arafat, the droid is caught on the wrong side of town and gets constantly double-teamed by the Arab-Americans. He plays Artoo Morton for the next five minutes or so before finally making the hot tag to Threepio. Crowd goes nuts. Threepio nails Arafat with a sweet Protocol Droid Piledriver for the three-count.

Backstage, The Returning Leeta is having a lover's quarrel with her newest boyfriend, who then threatens to blast The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain if he tries anything funny…

Tritch Stratus walks to the ring and cuts a promo, swearing that her new charge will make everyone forget about what Visceria did to her at Backlash.

Jabba The Hutt Vs. Visceria

Big Vis is in the ring to start, but Jabba is too lazy to leave his throne. He instead grabs a chain, and ties Tritch to his side which gnawing on intergalactic reptiles. Visceria thinks this is a novel idea and does the same to Lillith Garcia and a plate of nachos.

No contest.

Backstage, John Ceno seeks out the advice of Yoda. "Want to be a main-eventer, you do, hmmm?" the ancient Jedi master asks. Ceno responds in rap form:

I'm down the Chain Gang
Twenty four/seven
You're just some green troll
Who's like two-foot-eleven

Yo, my belt ain't as nasty
As your long, pointy ear,
My time is now, because
The Champ… Is… Here!!!

"Rucking Fule, that did not," Yoda says, shaking his head.

Kur Tangle Invitational

The Olympic Gold Medalist is challenged by some hermit named Ben Kenobi who lives out in the desert. Tangle quickly traps the old man in his Ankle Lock, but Kenobi uses the force to will himself out of the move. Kenobi then draws his lightsaber, scaring off Tangle and causing him to flee from the ring. Kenobi wins by countout.

Mean Eugene Vs. Jar Jar Binks

Although Binks has the clear height advantage, Eugene actually carries the intellectual advantage. A lifetime of studying old Qui-Gon Jinn videotapes pays off, as Eugene uses some ancient Jedi fighting techniques to fend off his reptile-like foe.

Backstage, Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera is polishing his Low-Riser. "Yo, esse! Check out our ride for tonight's match, holmes!". Guerrera's partner says "Why would we use that when I already swiped the keys to the Millennium Falcon?"

Mixed Species Tag Match: Roy Mysterio/Wicket W. Warrick Vs. Eddie Guerrera/Lando Calrissian


Roy Roy and Wicket begin the match dazzling their opponents with fast, high-flying moves. Soon, however, Wicket becomes the Ewok-In-Peril due to sneaky double-teaming.

Towards the end of the bout, Lando tosses his blaster into the ring. As the referee admonishes the mayor of Cloud City, Guerrera grabs another blaster and shoots Wicket in the head, winning the match for the two scoundrels.

Next up is the $250,000 Intergalactic Diva Search, which Princess Leia wins handily.

That demeaning little contest is followed by…

Han Solo Vs. Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld

The legendary space pirate brings Chewie to ringside to combat the interference of JLB's Cabinet. Despite being able to match the rich Texan punch for punch, Solo, who once managed to navigate around a field of asteroids, can't find a way to defeat the self-proclaimed "Wrestling Dog".

In the end, Breadshaw and his associates freeze Solo in a brick of carbonite for the hard-fought victory.

The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Vs. Darth Maul

Are you kidding? As if Taker's would even SELL for Darth Friggin' Maul!!!

This is followed by a new talk-show segment known as:

Carlita Caribbean Cruel: "This cantina… is not cool!"

Bar Patron: "My friend doesn't like you."

Carlita Caribbean Cruel: "That's definitely not cool."

Bar Patron: "I don't like you either."

Carlita Caribbean Cruel: "Maybe you'll like it when I take this apple and…" (chews apple up, spits it in Hammerhead's face, storms out.)

Next, it's time for our special co-main event:

Luke Skywalker Vs. Triple HHH

Luke Skywalker: "Triple HHH, you will start putting younger talent over…"

Triple HHH: "Your jedi mind tricks won't work on me, boy. They only work on the weak-minded."

ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!: "I… will… start… putting… younger… talent… over…"

Triple HHH: "Randy – not now!"

Luke gets all of his signature spots in during the course of the match, such as forcing The Criminal Assassin up in the air at will. That still ends up being no match for the pedigree, however. Luke is about to go down for the count: one, two…

A voice appears: "Luke. Use the force…"

Luke Skywalker: "Obi-Wan, is that you?"

Bautista: "No it's me, man. Just get up and finish off Triple HHH already!"

Luke Skywalker: "But why? Why are you supporting me? Did you realize there's no future for you on The Dark Side?"

Bautista: "Whatever, man. I just wanted to be on the show somewhere."

Finally, Luke gets a win over the mighty Triple HHH, shattering the Glass Death Star once and for all… even if it is just a DQ win.

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "Before we get to the main event, let's take a look at what happened during a tag team match last week on Raw, bah gawd!"

And finally, here's what led to tonight's Big Main Event:

(A super-special thanks to Ziggy "Operation Retard" Blumenthal for creating this AWESOME video package. To see more of his work, visit: here.)

Darth Vader Vs. Hollywood Hal Kogan

Lord Vader comes down to the ring first, accompanied by the Empire death march theme. Next comes Kogan to "Real American".

Jerry The King Lawyer: "Anakin has become so much more powerful ever since he hooked up with the Empire, JR!"

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "But at what price, bah gawd?"

The two competitors engage in a test of strength, which Vader shockingly wins.

"Submit to your feeling of anger!" Vader warns.

"Never, brother!!! Whatcha gonna do… when the greatest Jedi in the world runs wild on youuuuuuuuuuuuu?"

"Then you shall feel the power of the Dark Side," Vader says, striking Kogan down with his lightsaber. "Brother."

Kogan is down but kicks out at the count of two and begins Halking Up. Lord Vader tries to smash him with his saber again, but to no avail. Finally, Kogan springs to life and begins pointing his finger in defiance.

After several punches to the face, The Hulkstor bounces off the ropes and picks up Vader for a powerful bodyslam. Big boot, legdrop, one, two…

The Emperor arrives at ringside, and begins zapping Hal with blue sparks. Kogan eventually falls to the ground, passing out. 

EMT's load the former 6-time WWE World Champion onto a stretcher to the gasps of the crowd. Not as surprising: Kogan figures out a way around jobbing.

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "Why in the hell does HE have to be here? Bah gawd!" 

Jerry The King Lawyer: "He's the Emperor, JR. He can do whatever he wants!"

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "Damn him to hell!"

With Kogan out of the ring, The Emperor removes the hood of his hood and shows the world who he really is:

Good Ol' JR Ewing: "I can't believe it! I can't believe it!!! We'll see you tomorrow night on Raw, and bah gawd, may the force be with you!!!"


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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