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RAW SATIRE    
Bulldog's Employment Future is
Settled... in NIGHT COURT! 

June 14, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Last week: John Cena gives new meaning to the term "one-liner"; Eric Bischoff blows off Wade Keller and yours truly, the world-famous Canadian Bulldog, publicly fires Matt Hocking from writing this column. How will I be able to juggle the Raw Satire, my Inside The Ropes column and a promising rugby career.... TONIGHT!?!
 
 
Yeah, you read that right. In the grand tradition of EC F'N W, the nWo and Communist Russia, I staged myself a coup last week and got Hocking the F out of this column. Is he gone for good? As someone famous (not Edge) once said: "BANK ON IT!!!"

Last night, WWE resurrected ECW. Tonight, they resurrect Night Court, with Judge Harold T. Stone Cold presiding. 

 
Austin: Good evening, ladies and germs. Anyone wanna see some of mah magic tricks?
Court: WHAT?
Austin: I said, mah tricks.
Court: WHAT?
Austin: Illusions.
Court: WHAT?
Austin: I said… aw, screw it. Mac, whadda we got on the damn docket tonight?

Mac Robinson
: The people versus Mohammad Hassan, sir.

Austin: WHAT? has this mealy-mouthed, bug-eyed, towel-wearing, sweat-covered, no good, son of a bitch done to appear in my court?
Dan Fielding: That's very racist of you, sir. The people assert than Mr. Hassan has been given many chances to succeed on this show. In fact, the following video will prove that Mr. Hassan has received more of a rub from aging legends that Dustin Rhodes, Jeff Jarrett and Erik Watts combined.
Hassan: Sure, TNA can land Chris Rock for their show, yet the best celebrity we can get is John F'ng Laroquette
(A video is shown of Hassan sharing camera time with Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Sgt. Slaughter, Kane, Chris Jericho, Shelton Benjamin, Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Andre The Giant, The Legion of Doom and Bruno Sammartino.) 
Austin: And Miss Sullivan, WHAT? is Mr. Hassan's plea?

Christine Sullivan
: Your honor, all Mr. Hassan wants is an opportunity to wrestle for a WWE Championship.

Daivari begins shouting at the public defender.

Christine Sullivan: Oh, and I've just been informed that he would also like new entrance music. Possibly Tito Santana's "Matador Mambo" from Wrestling Album 4, if no one's using it right now.
Austin: The bottom line is this, son. Ya can have yer damn title shot tonight against Shelton Benjamin. Fifty dollars and time served! That's lunch, people.
Hassan: But… I just won the case!
Austin: WHAT?
Hassan: Never mind.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin vs. Muhammad Hassan
Stone Cold Steve Austin as Special Enforcer

Hassan takes the early lead here, only to get foiled by Benjamin. Or maybe it was the other way around. I have no idea. I was on the phone with the fine folks at Domino's Pizza, so as far as I know they could have already named the next draft pick, and I'd be none the wiser.

The finish comes when Hassan is about to win the Intercontinental Title (yeahrightsure) and Judge Austin declares a mistrial. And just like on how every episode of Night Court used to end, bailiff Bull Shannon tosses beers in the ring to Shelton Benjamin and his honor.

Benjamin: Did you ever stop to think you might have a serious drinking problem?
Austin: WHAT?
Benjamin: I said, your brain is being fried!
Austin: WHAT?
Benjamin: Ain't no stoppin' me… NAH!

(ads)

Backstage in the Bischoffice…

Coach: I can't believe what happened at that ECW One Nightstand PPV last night, which I really hate, but in case anyone missed it, there's going to be a replay tomorrow ni…
Bischoff
: Stop shilling, Coach! As far as I'm concerned, last night never happened!

Coach: Kind of like the hummer driver angle.
Bischoff: Exactly like the hummer driver angle. Now let's get back to what wrestling fans really want to see – backstage vignettes.

Coincidentally, Chris Jericho happens to walk in.

Jericho: Hey, I've been hearing rumors that Chris Tian is getting a shot at John Cena's title at Vengeance…
Bischoff: Where did you hear that?
Jericho: On the internet, on Hotdailywrestlingscoops.com – your best connection for breaking news from WWE and TNA, plus HOT~! pictures of Tammy Sytch crying at Chris Candido's funeral wearing a tight black thong.
Bischoff: Chris, that's just a cut-and-paste site. No one goes there for real news.
Coach: Yeah. Personally, I much prefer Inside Pulse.
Bischoff: I'm more of a 411Mania mark, but… THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT! Anyways, I thought you didn't care what went on here anymore.
Jericho: I… uh… don't. What – ever. No biggie.

Jericho goes to leave the room when he bumps into Triple H.

HHH: Jericho…
Jericho: Hunter…
Bischoff: Chris…
HHH: Jonathan…

Coach: Hunter…
Marge: Helen…
Helen: Marge…
Marge: Edna…
Edna: Marge…
Marge: Uh...  

Agnes: Oh, my name is Agnes and you know it's Agnes!  It
means lamb -- lamb of God.
HHH: So… uh… what’s this I've been hearing about on the Internet?
Bischoff: Is this about the Blue Meanie-JBL thing? Because pwinsider.com TOTALLY has it wrong…
HHH: No, it's about someone from SmackDown coming here tonight.
Bischoff: Oh, well that's completely true. It's part of the Draft Lottery. That's been all over the Net for, like, a week. Don't you read Online Onslaught?
HHH: Only for Canadian Bulldog's stuff. (Leaves room).
Bischoff: Finally – some peace and quiet.

All of a sudden, we are joined by Eric Bischoff of 1995, who confronts Eric Bischoff of 2005:

Bischoff95: My lord, what happened to you, man! I can't believe you let yourself get this old and fat after only 20 years.
Bischoff05: Actually, I'm you only 10 years later.
Bischoff95: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bischoff05: Look, don't worry about it. I'm doing just fine for myself, thank you very much. Lots of money, a great job...
Bischoff95: But you're working for the enemy! We said we'd NEVER work for the enemy! The folks at Turner will think you're a traitor. Don't you remember what you said on that Prodigy chat?
Bischoff05: I, uh… wouldn't worry about that. Look, what are you here to tell me?
Bischoff95: I came here from the past to warn you that your future is a terrible one. One day, you'll find yourself being beaten up by dozens of ex-ECW wrestlers.
Bischoff05: Uh… you're late by exactly one day.Bischoff95: Dammit! Please tell me you're at least using your backstage influence to get Hogan back in. That guy is money.
Bischoff05: Actually, I don't have any backstage influence anymore because...
Bischoff95: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters

I still refuse to figure out what "Iron Chef" is. Sorry.

Voice of the Undertaker: I sure hope you're not going to half-ass this segment.
Bulldog: You again?

Voice of the Undertaker: I'm always here, son.
Bulldog: The hell you are! Don't you remember? I'm running things around here. Who do you think signs your paycheck, pal?
Voice of the Undertaker: Vince?
Bulldog: Touché.
Voice of the Undertaker: Now don't make me come down there. You gonna call this next segment or what?

Fine, fine. The Iron Chef is offering $11,000 for anyone who wants to take the Masterlock Challenge. Who's to answer it but… legendary wrestling patriot Corporal Kirschener!

Masters: Aren't you in jail?
Kirschener: I'm out. But frankly, I could certainly use 11 grand right about now. Unless they're planning a "Legends of WrestleMania 2 One Night Stand" PPV anytime soon…
Masters: Are you ready to take on my prize-winning honey-glazed ham?
Kirschener: Probably not.

Masters wins in however this Iron Chef dealie is supposed to work out.

(ads)

Finally, what the world has been waiting for: A recap of the "Dave" Batista "Davidson" – Triple H feud! Last week, I joked that this was "in case you haven't watched the last six months of WWE programming". This week, let's just say they covered all the bases.

(ads)

John Cena and Chris Jericho Vs. Chris Tian and Tyson Tomko (w/ goatee)

Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Jericho: You do realize I'm coming after your belt, right?
Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Jericho: Sure, you say that now. But wait till I get through with you!

(ads)

The match continues, with Jericho refusing to tag in. Finally, he gives up caring about the match and allows Cena to perform his repertoire of Wrestling Moves Too Lame For Even Scotty Too Hotty™.

The faces win, and predictably, Jericho attacks him afterwards.

JR: Bah gawd! The dream team has been destroyed!
Howler Monkey: But you called Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels the "dream team" a few months back. You can't keep making everyone a dream team!
JR: Bah gawd!
Howler Monkey: Woo hoo! Puppies!

(ads)

Jericho confronts Bischoff backstage.

Bischoff: Now why did you go and do THAT? I thought you don't care about this "wrestling crap".
Jericho: I don't.
Bischoff: Then explain yourself.
Jericho: Look, I just want something to do at Vengeance. I don't want to have to job to Lance Storm again.

Chris Tian
: I thought he died.

Jericho: Which made last night all the more awkward. Talk about carrying dead weight…
Bischoff: Look, how about I give BOTH of you the title match at Vengeance?
Jericho: Sure. I guess. Doesn't really matter to me.

Cena attacks Jericho…

Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Jericho: Oh, it's on now, BITCH!

A brawl breaks out, near several boxes clearly marked "ECW". Be quiet, guys – Sandman is sleeping in one of those.

Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
Bischoff: Hey hey HEY! Watch your mouth – save that kind of language for the pay-per-view!

(ads)

What follows is a ten-minute recap of the Diva Search hopefuls, including a pep talk by last year's winner Lance Storm. Who, er.. is dead. Hey, Hocking! Give me something to work with here!

And what's with all this filler? Do they have a problem writing two hours of wrestling all of a sudden?

(ads)

After yet another ad break, we're joined by OMG The Rock~! Oh, no, wait – it's just Maven. Big deal…

Maven vs. Viscera

Lillian Garcia is also here, having survived a "Weekend At Big Vis's".

Tori: You think you had it bad? I once had to spend the holidays with X-Pac. Yeuggh!
Viscera
: Hey, baby. Tonight I'm going to wrestle my match exclusively for you. 

Tori: Me?
Viscera: Erm.. no. Every time I put this jabroni in a bearhug, I'll be thinking about you back to my love nest and cuddling with you.
Lillian: What about when you're dry humping Maven?
Viscera: Yeah, sure. That too. Hey, is that a hot dog in the front row?
Tori: I saw it first!

Viscera wins the bout after -- well, let's face it -- it was Maven in the ring. Who cares?

Triple H and Ric Flair are backstage.

HHH: Ric, can you believe that someone from SmackDown actually has the gall to be drafted tonight?
Flair: Sure. I read it was going to happen while I was going through Scott Keith's blog the other night.
HHH: We can't let this continue…
Flair: His blog?
HHH: Don't make me pedigree you…

(ads)

And now… this show Needs More Kane™!

Voice of the Undertaker: That's not your patented catchphrase. Don't try to trademark it.
Bulldog: Piss off.

Kane vs. Sylvain Grenier

Grenier: Vive La Resistance! But where is my partner?
Conway
: We fought last week on International Heat, remember?
Kane
: Dude, nobody watches that show. Even the people who watch Regular Heat don't care about International Heat.

Kane wins after three successive chokeslams. Or maybe it was four. I'm not sure -- the pizza (finally) arrived.

Instead of pyro, this show gets a Little More Lita™

Voice of the Undertaker: You're gettin' on my bad side now, son.
Lita
: Kane, I'm out here to tell you two things. First, let me bring out Abe Orton (or, as some prefer to call him, SHNITSKY!!!)

Voice of the Undertaker: Let's not go there…
Lita: Abe, I know that the whole killing-my-baby "thing" wasn't your fault.
Orton: Lady, I've been trying to say that for almost a year now. Finally, someone listens to me!
Lita: Wanna have sex?
Orton: As long as it isn't with that Lita slut… sure.
Lita: You just blew your chances. Hit the bricks, SHNITSKY.
Orton: But that wasn't… my… FAULT!
Lita: The second thing I wanted to say is that Edge and I are getting married next week, and you're all invited!
Kane: Is there anything I can get you two off your registry?
Lita: There are still some place settings left, or if you really want to be extravagant, you can buy us that stuffed Matt Hardy rug that we can put in front of the fire.
Edge: Hey, Paul Heyman. Guess what? The jerk store called -- and they're out of you! Hahahahahaha!
Lita: Don't you think it's a little too late for a comeback joke NOW?
Edge: Dammit! I knew the opening segment was the proper time for that. Anyways, after the wedding, Lita will meet my one-eyed monster!
Kane: You mean Mike Wazowski?

Back in Cameron, North Carolina…

The house where Matt and Jeff Hardy, Molly Holly, and Rhyno live has been BURNED TO THE GROUND. Yeah, that's right -- I've killed off the characters. Deal with that, Hocking!

Voice of the Undertaker: Okay, this has gone far enough. Unless you're really Triple H in disguise, this little power trip of yours is over!
Bulldog: I don't think so! Voice of the Undertaker, you're FIRRREDDDDDDDDD! In fact, you're ALL fired!!!
Triple H: But don't you need us for the closing segment?
Bulldog: True dat. Okay, main eventers, you can stick around. You're on NEXT!

(ads)

Triple H and Ric Flair come to the ring.

HHH: Damn, it's getting hot in here…
Flair: (So hot) So take off all your clothes…
HHH: Ric, please! Not now! As I was trying to say, The Game is on fire…
Flair: The Game - The Game - The Game is on fire…
HHH: RIC!!! My point being, I am going to be an 11-time World Champion and I've been hearing that some punk from SmackDown is going to try to take away my spotlight. Show yourself, draft pick!

Holy crap! Kurt Angle's music is playing. Remember how last week I said that SmackDown is deader than TNA? Now it's trying to play catch-up to Ohio Valley…

HHH: Well, well, well…
Joel Gertner
: Hey, stop stealing my lines!

HHH: I figure if Edge can steal Bulldog's catchphrase, yours is fair game too, fat man!
Angle: How about this for stealing catchphrases? Woooo!
Flair: Wooooo!
Angle: Wooooo!
Flair: Wooooo!
Austin: WHAT?

Sean Cold Val Venis
: WHAT?

Cena: The champ… is… HERE!
HHH: ENOUGH! So I heard the rumors that you're going to challenge Dave for my championship.
Angle: Where'd you hear that?

HHH:
http://inside_the_ropes.tripod.com

Angle: Wow - that's a pretty good website. Anyways, I made out with your ex-wife behind your back.
Flair: And I took your old lady for a ride on space mountain, fat boy! Woooo!
HHH: Ric - you're REALLY not helping. Kurt, why don't you just call out Dave already?

The music of "Dave" Batista "Davidson" begins playing.

Batista: Kurt… welcome to SMACKDOWN!
Angle: Thanks. I look forward to beating your ass.
Batista: That's not LIKELY. Especially given that I am Hunter's friend in real LIFE.
HHH: He's got a point. Why don't you two just have your little match next week, and get it over with?
Batista: That's not a bad IDEA. It will help to draw RATINGS!

Shawn Michaels's music begins playing.

Michaels: Hey, it looks like Bulldog hasn't fired me yet, either. How about a match with me at Vengeance, Kurt?
Angle: Sure, as long as you don't tell Hunter that I'm still doing Stephanie.

World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. and Kurt Angle have agreed to part ways. We wish him success in future endeavors.

A big brawl erupts, ending the show. Fin.

Next week: I run things once again. Deal with it!!!

Entrance music of Vince McMahon begins playing. The boss is here!

McMahon: Quite frankly, I've been watching this CRAP backstage and I've had just about enough of it.
Bulldog: But... I thought you don't read the Internet?
McMahon: Well, you have to stay on top of Meltzer's site. And occasionally I wander over to Lords of Pain, but... that's not important! Quite frankly, Canadian Bulldog, your actions have been nothing short of repugnant.
Bulldog: Thanks for the compliment!!!
McMahon: Quite frankly, I'm thinking that we need a change of pace around here.
Bulldog: Let me guess -- you want me to join the writing team and sleep with your ~OMG HOT! daughter?
McMahon: Not exactly...
Bulldog: Your WIFE?
McMahon: Look, PAL! We can do this the easy way... or we can do this the hard way. Quite frankly, the choice is yours.
Bulldog: (consults with friends and loved ones, and possibly Jeb Tennyson Lund) We're going to go with "hard way".
McMahon: Very well. Canadian Bulldog: YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
Bulldog: Okay.
McMahon: Fired from writing this column, that is. And as of this moment, I am returning power of the Raw Satire to Matt Hocking. You will continue to write your Inside The Ropes shit.
Bulldog: So, wait. We're going to pretend like nothing ever happened? Just like the ECW PPV?
McMahon: BANK ON IT!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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