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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Reunion-Mania Running Wild! 

June 16, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Oh… my… gosh!" 
       – Joe E. Styles, recently.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and BRIEFER-THAN-USUAL version of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and you as all know, "I'M HARD-CORE! I'M HARD-CORE!".
 

A very special thank you goes out to Raw Parody writer Matt Horking for running things here last week while I was busy ruining his damn column. The break gave me a chance to come even CLOSER to finishing the upcoming "Letters From A Nut" book, which I swear is still on its way. (By the way, if you come across any new wrestler 

e-mails in the next couple of weeks, please send them my way. I'm hoping to kick off the book's launch with some ~OMG NEW MATERIAL!)

Yet when the dust settled, Matt… which one of us took over the other's column for a second week, hmmm? Which one of us won the ratings war for 82 weeks in a row? You don't see ME attending YOUR pay-per-view, do ya? You're in MY house now, BITCH!  THE CHAMP… IS… HERE! Beat me if you can… survive if I let you! Survey says… one more for the good guys! It wasn't… my… fault! I'll show you – you'll see! What about me? What about Raven? I'll admit it: it was ME who drove the car! And I did it for The Rock. Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions! WHAT? I said, the questions! Helllllo, ladies! Bloody luvly, tell yer mother! Oooooooh yeahhhh – dig it! I'm the greatest Intercontinental Champion of ALL time! FIRE ME! I'M ALREADY FIRED! FIRE ME! I'M ALREADY FIRED!!

Um… er…

EVER!!!

And now, onto the news:

It's getting DRAFT-y in here (LOL!): With week one of the Lethal Draft Lottery now in the history books, and week two well underway, can we expect equally exciting draft picks from here on in? BANK ON IT!!!

Here's how I'm expecting the rest of the lottery to play out:
 

Week Eric Bischov/Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw T.D. Long/Smack! Down
One John Ceno Chris Benwah (and a third-round SHNITSKY!!! to be named later)
Two Chris Benwah Sika
Three Triple HHH N/A
Four Chris Candida Demolition Ax, Smash and Kona Crunch
Five Yes The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To
Six Shane O' Max Wait – I thought the draft only goes for five weeks?
Seven Oops, my bad. You're right. FIN

 
E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!
Just about everyone these days has caught ECW Fever and, unlike my recent bout with meningitis, it's not nearly as fatal!

Never before was this more evident than at the recent paper-view spectacular WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW's One More Night. The old Hammerhead Ballroom was packed to capacity with New York low-lifes screaming for their favorites like Shane Douglas, Louie Spuccoli and Terrible Terry Fuck. The show had a little bit of everything fans remembered about the hardcore promotion, from having actual sponsors to Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen drunkenly slurring his way through a promo.

But the highlight of the night had to have been when former ECW voiceover guy Paul Herman did a REAL SHOOT interview, right in front of his special invited guests from Raw and Smack! Down sitting in a luxury box upstairs. Here it is, verbatim:

"I'm not crying. The reason my eyes are red are because I was doing ILLEGAL DRUGS backstage. This is the most incredible night of my life, except for maybe the time when I managed HI-DAN-RIKE against Charlie Horse on Smack! Down. I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible. Those talented wrestlers in the back whom I probably still owe money to somehow. The piece-of-shit fans that paid, like, two zillion dollars for ringside seats. And most of all, I'd like to thank 1wrestling.com for lending me their webmaster and professional gadfly, Johnny Styles, so that he could shriek for two hours straight and make fun of people that are still collecting a paycheck. Thank you very much, and don't forget to read Canadian Bulldog's column on Oldline Onslut. Good night!"

Bradshaw Said Knock You Out: For some reason, wrestling dog Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld decided to punch out fat-ass The Blow Meanie towards the end of the paper-view spectacular. And he didn't even use one of those fake gloves to deliver it!!! JLB later defended his actions, explaining he was just delivering a message to Meanie from Smack! Down star Hardwood Holly.

According to reliable sources, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited is said to be *this close* (you have to see my hand to appreciate the "this close" gesture) to signing contracts with luchadore sensations SupercalifragilisticexpialPsychosis, Hoovantood Jooventood Guventuood Eddie Juvy Guerrera and See 'Em Punk. Former manager Paul Burier has also re-signed a contract with the company, but really, who the fuck cares?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the ocean: Former worthless TNA jobber Shark Guy, best known for accepting an invitation to attend the opening of my furniture store, is suing entertainment conglomerate Disney/Pixar for blatantly STEALING his name, likeness and workrate for the upcoming film

"The Adventures of Stretch Boy and Clobber Girl in 3-D". Although many dismiss the suit, there is precedence for his actions (see the cases of Runnels, Dustin v. The Producers of James Bond 007: Goldendust; Bundy, King Kong and Beaver, Little v. The Producers of Fat Man and Little Boy; and Orton, Randy v. Kucher, Ashton.)

Next, let's visit on an old friend as we take a trip to:

   

Hollywood Stu's Gossip Corner
 
Above: The Big Show meets The Little Show

Hey, Bulldog. Sure, everyone this past week was talking about the big ECW reunion pay-per-view (and, to a lesser extent, the Shane Douglas Hardcore Homecoming), but did you know that there was a THIRD tribute card this past weekend?

Fortunately, it happened it my adopted hometown of La-La Land, so Hollywood Stu has got you covered. Sure, the $600/seat price tag on ringside seats was a little hefty, but seeing as I was only going to see these guys one more time, why not live a little?

  • Instead of making it a big corporate-type event, they dimmed down the lights and cut back on fancy entrances and pyro. Old school all the way, BABY!
  • To kick off the event, they brought back the old announcer – that's right, Larry Nelson, to call the action! Nelson explained that, while Vince McMahon may own the name to their company, the spirit of their promotion lives on, and that you can't fool the fans!
  • First match was a tag team affair, with The Trooper and D.J. Peterson against Pat Tanaka and Paul "Hardrock" Diamond, the original Bad Company!!! Obviously Diamond Dallas Page wasn't in Bad Company's corner (now THERE'S someone who's forgotten his roots), but it didn't matter. Tanaka and Diamond looked so crisp in there, it was like 1988 all over again.
  • This was followed up the big return of Ken Patera! Big Kenny wasn't out there to fight, he was there to pay tribute to all of the names that have passed away since the company folded. Seventy-five minutes later, we were back to mat action again.
  • The next bout was an old-fashioned battle royal that had many of the classic names we all grew up with: Steve "O" Olsonowski, The Tokyo Bullets, Tom "Rocky" Stone, The Texas Hangmen, "Playboy" Buddy Rose, Jake "The Milkman" Milliken, Derrick Dukes, "Sodbuster" Kenny Jay, The Long Riders and others. Colonel De Beers went over, obviously.
  • A special video tribute was shown next to the tune of "WrestleRock Rumble", as the promotion's way of thanking Hulk Hogan, Sgt. Slaughter, Rick Martel, Bobby Heenan, Gene Okerlund, Jesse Ventura, Jimmy Snuka, Tito Santana and numerous others who didn't even bother returning their phone calls.
  • Following that match was the grand return of Tom Zenk, who complained for almost half an hour about the biggest problems in the business, including steroids, painkillers, Johnny Ace, Triple H and Kevin Nash. Then a ring attendant came up to him and said: "Mr. Zenk, your time is up, sir. We have other things to get to on this show." And then Zenk said: "Show?".
  • Next up was none other than "The Living Legend" Larry Zybsko, who asserted that HE was the one who boosted TV ratings, packed house shows and kept interest strong during the company's "lean years" of 1958-1991. About forty-two minutes into his diatribe, the house lights went out (apparently, the building forgot to pay its electric bills). Once someone got flashlights going, they could see that in the ring was none other than… Nick Bockwinkel! The impromptu match ended when both competitors, unfortunately, died.
  • This brought in the mastermind, the man behind the scenes, none other than Verne Gagne, who got a rousing ovation from the 19 of us in attendance. He wanted to thank the fans who continued to support his company, until he was informed that he no longer has a company. This gave Gagne a heart attack, and he collapsed on the ground; right beside Bockwinkel.
  • Finally, it was main event time, as The Destruction Crew ("Mean" Mike Enos and Wayne "The Train" Bloom, accompanied by their manager… their manager from the Wal-Mart they work at, that is) against The High Flyers (Jim Brunzell and Greg Gagne). The finish came after referee Gary DeRusha was knocked out, then was revived and counted a pinfall by Gagne. Unfortunately, president Stanley Blackburn would go on to overturn the decision three weeks later.

This was an AWESOME show, Bulldog, booked almost exclusively for the Net crowd. I came home with a Baron Von Raschke foam claw and a "Buck Fockwinkel" T-Shirt.

 

Wow, thanks for that KICK-BUTT update, Stu! Now, two weeks ago, I provided you all with the first EXCLUSIVE set of ITR Trading Cards to collect amongst your friends. Well this week, I've got five more to add to your collection, hotshot:

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any comments, questions or unwarranted criticism, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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