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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Getting Set for Vengeance, and
OMG~! HUGE MOVIE NEWS~! 

June 23, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"All for one, and one for all!"
     -- The Four Horsemens, 1971  
 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and NOMOTHETIC (I've always wanted to use that word!) edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, known to some as The Canadian Bulldog, and yet others as That Jerk I've Pressed Charges Against. We've got a TON to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

Are you people even READING these things?  

(A)         Yes.
(B)         Yes
(C)         Yes.
(D)         SHNITSKY!!!
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the Inside The Ropes website. And here are the results of our previous poll:

Which ex-WCW star will make the biggest impact at WWE Presents WCW One Nightstand? 

SHNITSKY – 25 %
The Ghost of Big Dick Dudley – 15 %
That's So Raven – 25 %
Kevin Nash – 5 %
Tough Enough Jessie – 20 %
Yes. – 10 %

And now, onto the news…

Quoth The Raven, Never: A hearty "Mazel Tov" goes out to hardcore icon and fellow Jew That's So Raven for winning the prestigious NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) title at one of their crappy PPV's that probably sounds like a rejected Steven Segal movie title. On a related note, here are the next 6 months of T&A PPV's:

July – Total Justice (Main Event - That's So Raven jobs to Double Jeff Jarrod.)

August – Out For Revenge (In a one night tournament, Jarrod beats 16 international cruiserweights, and also Billy Gun.)

September – Ready To Sell (Jarrod beats up a bunch of Panda Bear Energy executives in a "King Of The Creditors" match)

October – Open To Offers (Jarrod defeats Alphabet Male Murphy Brown, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Simon Diamond Page, The Abyss, B.J. Styles and Native American Tatatatatanka).

November – Prepared To Liquidate (Jarrod vs. Vince Rousseau, inside of a nine-sided steel cage!)

December – Bankruptciversary (Nothing scheduled)

Who's that promising former ECW standout on the verge of signing a contract with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd.? I have no idea.

Just like WrestleMania, Only Less Important: As you all know by now unless you're daft, we are just SIXTEEN DAYS away from the WWE paper-view spectacular Revengeance. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you, Joe Wrestling Fan, can expect to see:

Main Event
Elimination Chamber Match
Deacon Bautista
Vs. Triple HHH

If this were a contest to see who could produce the most video packages, then The Criminal Assassin would be your winner hands-down. But the name on the marquee doesn't say "Video Package", it says "Wrestling". Unless you show up at the wrong arena, in which case it might say "Monster Truck Rally -- Tonite!". Or "Live In Concert – 'Sunglasses': A Corey Hart Tribute Band".

Main Event
Love Her or Leave Her Match
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
Vs. The Big Stupid Catchphrase Stealer, Mr. BANK ON IT!!! ThEdge (with The Returning Leeta in a neutral corner)

Who out there could have predicted that just one short month ago, Leeta would betray her man and side with ThEdge? No one, that's who!

After the match, look for Mr. Catchphrase-Stealer to take Leeta to the drive-through wedding place where Triple HHH drugged Stephoney and then married her! And then they'll have sex and mouth sex in his car! And then Mike Hardy Version O/S X will be watching at home and will shoot his TV out! And then he'll probably shoot his brother Jeff by accident! And his father will be sitting right beside him on the couch and will say "Good for you, boy. That drugged-up freak deserved it"! And it will be the best match ever!

EVER!!!

Main Event
ROH Pure Wrestling Title Match
Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels
Vs. Kur Tangle

The last time these two locked up, it was to settle a score. Same thing here. Can there really be a winner in a match of this magnitude? Yes, yes there can.

Main Event
Triple Threat Match
John Ceno
Vs. The Christian Vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Vs. Mohachmed Hussein Vs. Jonathan The Coach Man Vs. Sylvain Grenouille Vs. LOD 2000 Vs. Super Rosie Vs. Heart Throb Antonio Vs. Mean Eugene Vs. William Royal Vs. Takajiri Vs. Television Jobber Vs. John Ceno

Look for the team of to come out on top.

International Title Match
Sheldon Benjamin
Vs. Charlita Caribbean Cruel

I don't even CARE what happens in this shitty little match, so long as it somehow leads to the return of Jesus. (Yeah, that's right – I haven't given that up yet, BITCH!).

Chick Match

Kirstie Hemmey Vs. Queen Vicktoria

As a wise person once said: "I'm not a girl to mess with (woot) GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!"

(Have I filled up enough space yet? Nope, not quite…)

"GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!"

His Susic Mucks: WWE Undisputed Other World Champion John Ceno continues to stink up the Billboard Music Charts with his debut album "You Can't See Me Because You're Blind And I'm Making Fun Of Your Handicap". According to major industry insiders, Cena, if he keeps at it, has the talent to become the next Bo Brice in this business.

Could it be true that they're thinking of bringing back DeGenerated X for one more run? NO!!!

Let's check in with an old friend for a little thing I like to call:
 

 

 
Hollywood Stu's Gossip Corner  

 
Above: Stu Moving In On My Woman

Hey, Bulldog. My top contacts here in Studio City tell me that movie executives are tripping over themselves to produce the newest prequel. And here's a shocking coincidence: it has to do with professional wrestling!!!

Hold onto your seats, kids, as you will now see and hear about the soon-to-be-smash film:

Yeah, that's right. It's the story of a young Hulk Hogan that explains how he got caught up in this crazy wrestling business, and how he came to start wearing his fluorescent orange bodysuit (wait, that's his SKIN? What the hell?)

We first see Hogan as a child named Terry Bollea, who falls down a well one day and comes face-to-face with his biggest fear: anabolic steroids.

After learning to overcome his fear (and then some!), Terry returns home and consults with his faithful servant Genefred.

Together, they decide that Hulkamania can live forever through saying your prayers, takin' your vitamins and trainin' real hard, brother.

However, at the same time that Bollea stars his new persona, an old enemy has transformed himself into The Rowdy Joker.

Wow, imagine Roddy Piper playing someone who's not all there – it's the acting stretch of a lifetime! Several other villains follow in the series, including The Weasel, Two-Faced (none other than Vinnie Mac) and The Green Gagne.

Anyways, that's all I've heard about the film for now, but I'll be sure to keep you informed. Until next week, I remain… Hollywood Stu!
 

 

 
Thanks, Stu! And finally, what would this column be like without a BRAND NEW SET of ITR trading cards? If you answered "Mind-numbingly fucking boring", then thanks for the compliment!!! Here are five new cards to add your collection:

 

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or simply wish to drop all charges, email me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's.. Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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