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INSIDE THE ROPES    
O Canada! 

June 30, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Enough is enough, and would you happen to have some      change?"
      
-- 'Rocket King' Oren Hart, 2000 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and FIERCELY PATRIOTIC edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the youngest man to never have any shot of winning a WWE title. We've got lots to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

Who is the greatest Canadian hero ever? (EVER!!!)

 
(A) "Ironman" Mike Sharp.
(B) Los Resistance.
(C) Gretzky (they're not all wrestling-related, you know)
(D) SHNITSKY!!!
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. And here's how you jerks voted last time, with an incredible 217 ballots cast:

Are you people even reading these things?

(A) Yes - 21 %
(B) Yes - 38 %
(C) Yes - 24 %
(D) SHNITSKY!!! - 14 %
(E) Yes - 22 %

 

Now, many of you may not know this, but I am actually a Canadian. And unless you are dumb or just stupid, you know that we are only three days away from Canadia Day, a holiday in which the entire island of Canada celebrates our freedom from the British and Germans.

We Canucks are quite fanatic about our wrestling. When you're a kid, you get handed -- almost as a rite of passage -- a hockey stick and a "Ruck Fules" T-shirt. Children are taught workrate in school, and in geography classes, they learn about the different U.S. cities they can change their hometowns to once they get "over".

Up until recently (when they converted to using exceedingly-heavy coins for currency), we had a picture of The Marvelous Rougeaux Brothers on our $2 bills. And in a recent poll, 7 out of 10 Canadians felt that the biggest political issue of our time was how "Bret screwed Bret".

With that in mind, I thought I'd take some time to celebrate my heritage with a special look at the Ten Greatest Canadian Heroes. Wow -- a list of ten top items; I must be becoming a pro at this!

And of course, I have included a special sub-series of ITR Trading Cards to commemorate this historic ranking. Here we go, in no particular order:

From: Canada
Best Known For: Screwing over Vince MacMahon
Finishing Maneuver: Scrapshooter
Memorable Quote: "America - fuck yeah!"

Born to the famous Von Eric wrestling family in the 1950's, Heart knew that he was destined to become a world-class wrestler, make bad decisions, fade out in obscurity and return to the limelight years later wearing effeminate costumes.

He will be truly missed, assuming he's deceased.

From: Canada
Best Known For: His "Aggression" perfume line
Finishing Maneuver: "Modified" Boston Crab that looked like a regular old Boston Crab to me.
Memorable Quote: "I'm so pretty, I should have been born a little girl! I'm a Badd man -- a badd man!"

From headlining in the AWA when no one was watching the promotion anymore, to being a fixture in the old World Wrestling Federation for years despite not being over, to becoming a third-string player during WCW's one dominant period in history, "The Fashion Model" has done it all. Except for jobbing to Double Jeff Jarrod in NWA T&A, that is.

From: Canada
Best Known For: Stealing my catchphrase!!!
Finishing Maneuver: The Sphere
Memorable Quote: "BANK ON…" nope, not gonna go there…

We decided not to be all "political" here and bar him from the ranking of Canadian Legends, just because he stole my patented catchphrase. And yes, it's true that he slept with The Returning Leeta just HOURS before Mike Hardy Version 3.1 was about to propose to her, but we can't come down on him for everything. And hey, who cares if he's never won a World Title?

On second thought, maybe he doesn't belong on this list after all. Someone cue up a trading card for Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, stat!

From: Non-Canada
Best Known For: Getting rich off of oil trades in the early-80's.
Finishing Maneuver: Clothesline of Doom
Memorable Quote: "I am a racist pig!"

While no one is denying JLB's gimmick, workrate, look, attitude or nationality, an argument can still be made for his making this list.

I just don't know what, exactly, that argument is.

From: Canada, Georgia, USA
Best Known For: Once dated WCW valet "Woman"
Finishing Maneuver: Unsure
Memorable Quote: "Who's that jumpin' out of the sky? R-E-Y, Mysterio, here we go…"

 

Benwah began his illustrious career last summer, when he lost the Raw World Championship to Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! His career pretty much took a tailspin from there once he was traded to The Show That Isn't Raw, Velocity, Heat or WWE Experience. He will probably end up teaming up Hardwood Holly and jobbing to M&M.

From: French Canada
Best Known For: Stealing Bret Heart's jacket
Finishing Maneuver: C'est Incroyable
Memorable Quote: "I'm not The Mountie. No, seriously, I'm not."

Jean Pierre-Lafitte (English translation: John Peter… uh, Jones) created waves in the WWF from 1994 until mid-1994 and was dubbed by no less an authority than Pro Wrestling Illustrated, May issue (cover story: "Revealed! Hulk Hogan's secret meetings with Ted Turner!") as "the most exciting newcomer to hit the scene since The Stalker."

From: CH-CH Television Studios
Best Known For: Brute strength
Finishing Maneuver: Moonsault
Memorable Quote: (DUH!) "Don'cha dare miss it!"

To an entire generation of regional fans, Billy was OUR voice, the person telling us that promoter Jake Tunney was presenting "another power-packed card." He was the one who would graciously inform us when bell time was, and would get yelled at by Bobby "The Brian" Heenen, among others.

And although I can't confirm this at press time, Lyons was probably the driving force behind the historic "Maple Leaf Gardens Feature Match" that clipped a 20-minute classic between Sivi Afi and Ironman Mike Sharp into a much more watchable two.

And speaking of which…

From: Who the hell cares? He's dead now.
Best Known For: Strength, steroids
Finishing Maneuver: Side Russian Bottom-Rope Planchadriver
Memorable Quote: "I'm not The Mountie, either."

Brava wasn't ALWAYS a world-class weightlifter who beat out the previous phony WWE record set by Ted Arseedy and, before him, Pedro Moreales. He wasn't ALWAYS an anti-American crusader with manager French E. Martin, proclaiming that "USA Isn't Always Okay".

He also died.

From: Canada
Best Known For: Constantly whining, dying
Finishing Maneuver: Bearhug
Memorable Quote: "We can barely sit still for a family photo together. How are we going to come up with a memorable quote?"

Integrity. Intensity. Intelligence.

These three words don't really apply here, but they sure do fit Kur Tangle to a T.

From: My dreams! (Also, Canada)
Best Known For: Stealing my heart
Finishing Maneuver: Who cares? She's just a girl!
Memorable Quote: "I (HEART) Canadian Bulldog"

I knew we were destined to be together from the days I saw you frequent the old Videoflicks in Richmond Hill to your recent visit to New York's Central Park last weekend (look it up people, it's a fact!).

Anyways, my point here isn't to document how I've been stalking you (I'm sure the RCMP has adequate documentation on that), it’s to demonstrate that YOU are what Canada is all about. You, and you alone, are what make this country great. Not Paul Martin!!! Not Jack Layton!!! Not that Creep With The Freaky Hair!!!

Despite a minority government, controversial stances on marijuana possession, same-sex marriage and free health care, you triumphantly carry on, Tritch (as does Canada). And we salute you for it. I'm saluting right now. And no, that hasn't been "surgically enhanced." But thanks for the compliment!!!

Anyways, that's it for this week. If you (you meaning Tritch) have any comments or feedback for me, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

Happy Canadia Day, everyone!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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