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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The 90s... it's 10 Better Than the 80s! 

July 7, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Note to Webmaster Rick Scherer:

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) I regret to inform you that I am unable to write a new Inside The Ropes this week, as I am putting the "finishing touches" on my new book of letters.

That said, I am not going to "pull a PyroFalkon" on you and whine about everything -- I am just going to enclose one of my world-famous Retro ITR™ columns, and what a column it is!!! You may have seen the new WWE DVD release called "I love the 80's". Well, I, too, am going to revisit that magical era. Enjoy!!!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 
(originally published March 7, 1991)
Hal-Ko-Mania Isn't Dead; It Was Just Resting

"What I'd like to have right now, is for all you fat, ugly, out-of-shape sweathogs to keep the noise down, so that I can hear myself think!" 
         -- Rude Rick, recently.
 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE (but not yet JAM-PACKED at this point) edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, your host, and as always, (everything I do) I do it for you. We've got lots to get to this week, so let's hop right to it.

An open letter to new WFF World Champion, Drill Sergeant Slaughter:

 
Atten-HUT, maggot!!!

I'm sure that when you rejoined World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. last year, you thought it was all "fun and games" to make fun of America. I'm sure you thought it was a regular "laugh riot" when you claimed that this country was getting soft (you do have a point about Nickelay Volkov, though; what a pantywaist!).

But when you start supporting Saddam Hassan and his home country of Iran -- that was just too much.

Surely, you are aware that President Bush the First is fighting for the freedoms that we as Americans (and, to a lesser extent, Canadians) enjoy. So why do you choose to knock his efforts in Golf War I: Operation Dessert Storm by hooking up with your new manager, General Akbar?

I'm convinced now, more than ever, that someone needs to shut you up. No, not The Ultimate Puke; I'm sure one day, people aren't even going to be able to understand what buddy's rambling on about. I'm talking about a REAL American. Someone who fights for the rights of every man. A REAL American, who fights for your rights, fights for your life!

And that person? None other than The Bad Boss Man.

President Jake Tunneigh should book this match NOW for "WrestelMania VII: Smaller-Arena Showdown" before he comes up with (another) dumb idea for the main event.

And that's… an order!!!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

So, can anyone tell me why the price of Gasoline is so high lately?

He's The Man Once Again: An official ITR congratulations goes out to NWA/WCW World Champion "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare for silencing the critics with a convincing win over Korean legend Tatsumi Hakushi Suzuki Fujinami at this year's SuperbBrawl paper-view spectacular. Which hasn't, technically, taken place yet.

Now that he's holding The Ugly Gold Strap once again, will Flare's relationship with WCW Vice-President Jim Hard be as solid as ever? BANK ON IT!!!

Could we be seeing a match between former WFF World Champion Hal Kogan and midcard tag-team guy Sean McMichaels anytime soon? NO!!!

Although I wouldn't rule out McMichaels turning heel and embarking on a singles career within the next year or so, Kogan jumping to a rival promotion by about 1994, McMichaels winning the main title, Kogan turning heel, then face again, then returning to the WWF, which has changed its name, McMichaels finding religion and then turning on Kogan in a tag team match.

But that's just a stab in the dark…

When the definitive book on tag team wrestling is written (and no, this ain't it) expect the tandem of Paul Romeo and Heracles Hernandes to be right near the top of the list. They've got the glory for sure, but brother, they also have the power!!! Extra credit goes to their manager The Doctor of Style Silk, for hooking them up with those kick-ass sunglasses.

Who's the hottest newcomer in the business? If you answered WCW's Arachnidman, you aren't far off the mark. He's got the look, he's got the entrance and if he ever gets an offensive move in, he'll probably have the ability, too.

Other rookies to be on the lookout for: "Cactus" Jack Manson, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, Shawn "Ex-Pack" Whitman, "Stunning Cold" Steve Austen and Flying Bryan The Pill Man. I can't imagine guys like this anywhere but at the top of their wrestling promotions, say, 15 years from now.

Here's a random word that I have no idea the meaning of: SHNITSKY!!!

This week's television ratings are in:

WFF Superstars of Wrestling scored a 1.1, peaking during The Nasty Brothers vs. Omar Atlas and David Isley barnburner. The lowest-rated segment of the show was when Lord Albert Hayes said "Promotional consideration paid for by the following -- Stetson: Easy to wear, HARD TO RESIST!".

WFF Prime Time Wrestling scored a 1.3, peaking during the (clipped) "Sir Perfect" Kirk Henning vs. Dale Wolfe match from Hamilton's Copps Coliseum. Lowest-rated segment was when Gorilla Manson and Bobby "The Brian" Heenen argued over things he said about Bad Boss Man's mother.

WCW Worldwide didn't score anything because it's a piece of crap. The highest-rated segment was probably when Dustin Roads ran in for something-or-other.

You have to feel for Jake "The Snakeman" Robards. He was recently sprayed -- in the eyes!!! -- by Fashion Model Rick Mantel's new Attitude perfume. This caused doctors to prescribe Robards with a pair of contact lenses that makes him look he's missing his pupils. One can only hope that this doesn't lead to Robards to a life of bitterness, drugs, alcohol and a huge belly.

First, they're making a film based on the old Adams Family show, and then they're going to make one based on the Star Track TV series? Wow, I can only hope Hollywood continues to strive for this kind of innovation.

Is it just me, or does former World Champion The Allllllltimate Warrior have a "thing" for Sexual Queen Sherry? First, he attempts to beat her up at the Regal Rumble PPV, then he sends her flowers, saying her eyes are like "Supreme Destructicity In The Night". Can imagine what their children would look like? Probably something like this: 
 

Ahhhhhhhhh, what a rushed!: Recently I had the chance to speak with zero-time WWF Tag Team Champions Hog and Mammal, a/k/a The Road Worriers, a/k/a The Legion of Doom. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Is this The Legion of Doom?

LOD: This is Lex Luthor; I am the leader of the Legion of Doom.

CB: But… but… I thought that was what Paul Ellaring was there for. And aren't you busy teaming with, or feuding against, The Sting in WCW?

LOD: Don't make me sic Giganta on you!

CB: I liked him better when he was Giant Gonzalez anyways. Question number two: What are your plans for dominating the World Wrest…

LOD: We have many plans to dominate the world! First, we're going to get Brainiac to formulate a scheme to surprise The Superfriends.

CB: You leave Bobby Heenen out of your evil plot! He'd probably just call everyone "humanoids" anyways.

LOD: …And then Captain Cold will use his freeze ray to catch everyone.

CB: But won't that upset his millions of Peeps? Or is that just how he rolls?

LOD: Okay, you're starting to get a tad unrealistic here! That catchphrase doesn't become popular for another fourteen years.

CB: I'M being unrealistic?!? You've dedicated yourself to a life of crime just because Superman accidentally burned off your hair when he was trying to save your life?

LOD: Well, you have a point, but… wait, I thought that was Clark Kent? You mean to tell me they're actually the same pe…

CB: This interview… is OVER!!! (hangs up)

LOD: Argh! Someone tell Riddler to install Caller ID on this thing!

Finally, let's open up things to a little Q & A, shall we?

Q: What are the chances that Bret Hart will eventually go it alone and become a major superstar in the WWF?
A: About the same as another Von Erich kid dying prematurely.

Q: What can you tell me about my favorite wrestler, Virgil?
A: I can tell you that you should probably choose a new favorite wrestler.

Q: What is going to happen to the AWA now that World Champion Larry Zybsko has left?
A: He'll be back.

Q: Who will retire at WrestleMania VII -- Randy Savage or The Ultimate Warrior?
A: Thanks for the compliment!!!

That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or concerns about historical accuracy, be sure to drop me a line (once the Internet is invented by Al Gore) at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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