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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Letters From a Nut VII:
The Book Shillening! 

July 21, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Note: Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Well, folks - the day has finally come.
 

"Thanks For The Compliment!!!: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!" my first self-published book (not to mention a future New York Times bestseller), is now available by ordering here.

Now… I'm about to go into full-out shill mode for a few paragraphs, but I just wanted to point out first that there are several BRAND NEW letters 

below this! So there's kind of a reward for reading through my sales pitch! Or…. uh, you can just skip down below now and read my pitch later! So long as you just order the damn thing, because it's the best book ever!

EVER!!!

So what, exactly, is "Thanks For The Compliment!!!", besides an obvious plea for help? I'm glad you asked!!! It's got:

  • All of the letters that have ever appeared on this very website, plus more than SIXTY that have never seen the light of day. These include e-mails to Brett "Hat Man" Heart, "Big Sex Killer" Kevin Nash, George "The Hammer" Valentine, Samoan Joe and many others!
  • A chance to relive famous exchanges with such stars as King King Bundy, Road Warrior Aminal, Bryan "Speedy" Kendricks, Jake The Snake Man, Bobby "The Brian" Heenen, Sensational Sherry, "New" Jack and numerous others.
  • E-mails to at least 10 WWE Hall of Famers, 19 current or former World Champions, 20 divas, and several wrestlers that are at present, unfortunately, dead.
  • Queries to some of the country's top wrestling schools.
  • A brand new, never-before-published feature, in which I attempt to book myself on various independent shows.
  • A series of MIND-BLOWING illustrations created especially for this publication.
  • The worst production values you've ever seen since the dying days of the AWA (er, maybe you should just ignore that part).
  • Over 120 pages of e-mails, each one nuttier than the next.

As if that wasn't enough… how about an ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS foreword by noted columnist and frequent Letters From A Nut target Jeb Tennyson Lund? Folks, the foreword alone is a literary masterpiece (not to be confused with that "Chris Masterpiece" guy), and may be worth the price of admission alone.

That all said, what in the blue hell are you waiting for? Order "Thanks For The Compliment!!!" here, here or here. Hell, even here. You will NOT be disappointed (unless you don't share my exact same sense of humor).

And now, onto LFAN VII. As always, note that these are actual e-mails sent to actual wrestlers, and in many cases, there are also actual responses. Enjoy!


Dear The Intelligent, Sensational, Amazing Destroyer,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at a legends show some time back.

My question: I am planning something of an independent supershow later this month in Los Angeles, California and wanted to know if you'd be part of the action.

This will be the first show (in America, at least) where every last competitor will have to be masked! We're tentatively calling it "MaskMania 05". No PPV or anything; this is just a show for the fans to enjoy.

I would be honored if you would work with me in the main event in a scaffold match. I would probably go over, but that part is negotiable. I'm still a pretty damn good worker, if I say so myself.

Anyways, please let me know ASAP. We would love to have the legendary Destroyer on our show.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
 

Dear Bulldog,

On a bad day you couldn't win, you can't afford to bring me out there - I might need help climbing the ladder but I can still whip your ass.

Do you know how old I am? Seriously at 74 I'm not ready to get back into the ring. You couldn't get me up on a ladder match for all the tea in China.

Thanks for thinking of me.

The Destroyer
 

Mr. Destroyer,

Whip my ass? Are you challenging me to a fight now?

As per your request, I don't know if we can get Teo and Chyna booked on the show, but I'll try.

We're so glad to have aboard for the show!

Cheers,
Bulldog

Awaiting reply…
 


Dear Matt Hardey,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You and Jeff once took a picture with me in the Newark airport.

As you are no doubt aware by now, that bastard Adam Copeland (a/k/a Edge) has stolen my patented catchphrase "BANK ON IT!!!". He didn't ask to use it or anything. After several failed rounds of correspondence with his "people", we've decided to take matters into our own hands.

This is what we're planning - a three-day protest this summer in

Charlotte, North Carolina (or wherever it is you reside these days) to show Mr. Copeland that we won't take this matter lying down. We are also mad at him for the whole Lita thing too.

My question: would you be willing to join our cause? Say a few words at our get-together, set a photo of Edge on fire, whatever. Your presence would be greatly appreciated.

Please let me know ASAP if you're able to attend. So many things to do still: round up the busfuls of protesters, design promotional posters, riot gear, etc. We want to make sure we have ALL our bases covered.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
 

Awaiting reply…

 


Dear Leapin' Lenny Poffo,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met in Rochester many, many years ago. I have all of your books.

My question: I am in the "promotional frisbee" game these days, and we have just won a substantial contract to supply discs to military supporters nationwide. Our only problem thus far is that we need a pitchman who knows frisbees. This is how we thought about YOU.

Essentially, we would want to take your photograph and use it in advertisements that we place in publications including, but not limited to, Soldier of Fortune magazine. The discs are green, orange and blue in color and have such cute sayings as "Make War Not Love", "Keep Up The Good Fight Until Someone Dies", "Don't Tread On Me", "Over Osama's Dead Body", etc. Ideally, you would have a scowl on your face and your hand curled into a fist, but everything is negotiable.

Anyways, please let me know ASAP, before our financial backers decide to go in another direction and buy the rights to the janitor in "Cracked" Magazine (Sylvester?). I'd much rather we go with a more proven commodity.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

Dear Canadian Bulldog.

It sounds great! See what they're offering.

Lanny

 

Dear Mr. Poffol,

Thanks for the compliment. I have heard back from the military groups, and they have added one aspect to the project.

They now want you (as well as Virgil; don't ask) to fly to a military base in Afghanistan to film the promotional commercials. I didn't realize that's how they wanted to do this when we first started out, but you know what they say about the "customer always being right".

Anyways, let me know if this is still acceptable and I will contact General Tennyson Lund.

Cheers,
Canadian Bulldog

 

Do you know what they are offering?

Lanny

 

Hello there. As I understand it, they are offering overnight accommodations in one of Saddam's old palaces and several "irregular" frisbees of your choice.

I also hear that Virgil is quite excited to be involved. He's been in a funk since you-know-who stole my "BANK ON IT!!!" catchphrase.

Anyways, I will provide more details once they are in...

Bulldog

 

Okay. Just let me know.

Lanny

 

Dear Lenny,

Here is the deal:

My contacts on the site say that, because of a recent military revolt, it is nearly impossible to (safely) transport people into the camp where they are doing their frisbee promotion. I asked them when they would be ready to do this, and I was told once a stable government is restored again.

They did add, however, that they want to get this completed quickly (personally, I'd focus on restoring order, but I guess that's why I'm in marketing and not a lieutenant). They are asking if you mind jumping from a parachute into the military base? You would, of course, be escorted by a trained professional.

Anyways, let me know ASAP,
Canadian Bulldog

 

I'm afraid I'll have to "pussy out" on the jump. I'm 50 and I was hoping for at least 30 more years.

Thanks,
Lanny

 

Lenny,

No worries; I understand. Besides, Koko (B. Ware) always did kind of call you a "pantywaist"…

Hopefully, we can work together on future, non-military-related, projects.

Peace, out,
Bulldog

 

You can have guts or brains but not both!

Lanny

 

True enough (LOL)!!! I guess that's why you're The Genius and I'm some shmuck slinging together shit for Rick Scherer's Oldline Onslut. I wish you all the best,

Bulldog
 


Dear Ed Frerrara,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) Met you on one of the So-Cal indy shows; you told me I needed to lose some weight before I got serious about getting in the ring.... So I have put my wrestling aspirations to the sidelines these days and am concentrating on the old homefront. That's where I thought your expertise may come in handy.

My question: I'm wondering if you would be interested in helping me book an event for me on Saturday, September 17th. No, it's not a wrestling event; it's a bar mitzvah for my son!

The reasons for why we'd need someone to book this are plentiful. We want to have lots of swerves during the ceremony and cut worked shoot promos during the candle-lighting portion. My son is a huge wrestling fan, and he would just eat it up!

Anyways, please let me know soonest if you are able to do this for me. I'd much rather have you help book my son's bar than (ugh) Dutch Mantel.

Peace, out,

Canadian Bulldog

 

Yo CB:

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner -- been busier than a high-priced hooker at an electronics convention.

Gotta ask -- no disrespect intended... are you serious about this?! ;-)

Give me a holla back.

Later!

--Ed
 

Dear Ed,

"Hooker at an electronics convention" -- that's the kind of dry wit my family's religious events have been sorely lacking all along!

But to answer your question -- we're talking about the sacred ceremony in which my son because a man. OF COURSE I am serious about booking false finishes and swerves into it! I don't know if he'll "wimp out" on the blading thing, but it's all part of becoming an adult, I say.

For example, as my son's zaidy is set to recite the hamotzi -- a prayer one says before slicing the bread -- we plan to have "Hollywood" Stu Stone (of "The Boys Club" and "That Bob Saget Song" fame) do a run-in and interrupt the proceedings. But I'm not sure what he should say, how he should say it, and what the payoff might be. Any suggestions?

Anyways, we go LIVE on September 17th and would love your input. You could even mock JR if you want (don't worry; he won't be there) or cut a promo on how standards and practices ruined WCW.

"Holla back" - I love it!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
 

He's pissed-off that HE should have been the one to recite the hamotzi, and cuts a scathing promo on whoever it was that chose your son's zaidy to do it. This, of course would lead to a "Hora in the Cell" challenge for later in the evening.
 

Dear Mr. Frerera,

"Hora In The Cell"?

Do you not think that's just a tad disrespectful to our religious event?

I don't even know what to say… other than thank you for your time. I guess we have to go back to Vince Rousseau now.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
 


Dear Mallia Hosaka,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was backstage at one of the LPWA shows back in the day until someone told me to "get lost". I don't think it was you, though. Probably Susan Sexton.

My question: I represent a group of promoters looking to present the first wrestling pay-per-view... from outer space! As farfetched as this sounds, our backers have told us this could very much be a reality by early next year, what with space travel becoming more commonplace.

So the plan is to bring a group of 22 wrestlers aboard a custom-built shuttle for matches to be filmed aboard the lunar base.

While a final card has yet to be determined, we are thinking of inviting wrestlers as diverse as Greg Valentine, The Nasty Boys,

Hacksaw Duggan, Curt Hennig, Johnny B. Badd, Jimmy Hart and South African superstar Jeb Tennyson Lund. If we get Mick Foley to join in, our slogan is going to be "One Giant Leap For Mankind" (Get it?). You could compete for our intergalactic women's championship!

Anyways, please let us know ASAP, as there are a TON of preparations to be made (booking the shuttle, clearing this w/ Nasa, studying the effects of weightlessness on highspots, etc.). We hope to include you at MoonSlam '06!!!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
 

WOW!

Just when I thought there was nothing new to hear in wrestling!

If this actually get pulled off then of course I am in.

Best of luck with you venture.

Malia
 

Dear Ms. Hosoka,

Thanks for the compliment! We are very excited about Moonslam. Some questions for you as we start preparations.

(1) Do you have any zero-gravity wrestling boots?

(2) Any flying/piloting experience (just in case)?

(3) How is your moonsault (we feel this may be a recurring
theme on the show, and we want to make sure only the best
ones are being used)?

(4) Have you ever been involved in an "Inferno Match"? We're
not talking about staging one for our event, it's just
related to the possibility of burning up on re-entry.

(5) Do you have Percy Saturn's email address by chance (we've
got a great idea for him on the show!)?

Thanks in advance.

Canadian Bulldog
CEO, Astrotainment Inc.
 

1) no

2) no

3) don't do one

4) no

5) no

 

Dear Mallia,

1) No problem.

2) No problem.

3) That's good.

4) We can improvise.

5) Darn.

We'll get back to you after we hear from the boys in the lab.

Bulldog
 


Dear Eddy Gilbert,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We partied in Puerto Rico one night in the early-90's.

My question: I understand that you were tied in to the early days of ECW and as such, we would like to invite you to appear on our "Extreme Memories" reunion show August 15th. Are you able to attend?

In the true spirit of what ECW stood for, we promise to have a bloody, wild and action-packed evening that will take fans "back" to the days of hardcore. Our main event is a triple threat match featuring "Wildfire" Tommy Rich, Hack Myers and Koko B. Ware. We could always make it a four-way main event, if you're feeling up to it....

Anyways, please let me know ASAP if you're able to attend "Extreme Memories". Without you, there wouldn't have been an ECW!!!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
 

(From his webmaster):

Are you serious? You don't know that Eddie has been dead for over 10 years now? He died in Puerto Rico on February 18, 1995. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Dead? For 10 years? You're sure about this?

Forgive me, but I'm just a little shocked by it all -- I truly had no idea. Especially because your email address is so similar to his. In any event, please pass along my condolences to his family.

Cheers,
Canadian Bulldog

P.S. Would you happen to have an email address for Louie Spiccolley?
 

Unfortunately, Louie Spicolli has also passed away. He died on February 15, 1998.
 

Are you serious? ARGH!

This is NOT working out as I had envisioned (just found out about Chris Candida last week too). Talk about bad luck - how can I run a reunion show if practically everyone is gone?

And what about you -- your name sounds vaguely familiar - were you ever a part of EC F'N W?

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

Awaiting reply…

 


… and on that uplifting note, that's all I have for this time. If you liked what you've just read (or even if you don't and you just want to spite your husband/wife/life partner), might I suggest BUYING MY DAMN BOOK?

Seriously, folks, how can you go wrong? It makes the perfect gift for any birthday, graduation, bridal shower, wake and yes, even a barmitzvah (Ed Frerrara-booked or otherwise). BUY IT NOW!!!

And, heck, don't do it for me - do it for those starving kids in Africa who may (but won't likely) benefit from sales of this book. You'll never know for sure unless you buy the book. Right fucking now!!!

I'm serious. Don't make me plug this thing week in and out until everyone's bought a copy. Everyone will be much happier if we just all buy my book right now.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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