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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Catching Up Ain't Hard to Do 

July 28, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hey, Dominic -- do you want to know a secret? Do you  promise not to tell? (whoa oh oh). Closer, let me whisper in    your ear. Say the words you long to hear. I'm in love with you, holmes." 
    
-- Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera, 2003.
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY MISLEADING edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm bestselling author Canadian Bulldog, and we've got lots to get to this week, so let's hop right to it. But first, a quick poll:

What's the real deal with the Matt Hardey thing?

 
(A)         It's a worked shoot.
(B)         It's a shooting work.
(C)         It's a working shooting shwork.
(D)         Uh… SHNITSKY?
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: hey, at least we're not shilling some lame-ass book). And here are the results of our last poll:

Who is the greatest Canadian hero ever? (EVER!!!)

(A)         Ironman Mike Sharp – 25 %
(B)         Los Resistance – 12 %
(C)         Gretzky – 20 %
(D)         SHNITSKY!!! – 29 %
(E)         Yes – 12 %
 

And now, onto the news:

Even though I've been away from regular ITR duty for several weeks, hardly ANYTHING has been happening!

Well, unless you consider World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated Corporation firing the collective asses of over 30 people as "news".

For those of us who don't read lordsofpain.net as regularly as we should, here is a quick scorecard on who was shitcanned and why:


Name

Best Known For

Reason Fired

Akiro

Long, rambling 20-minute promos.

Charismatic, but the simple truth is he can't work a match to save his life.

Jim Coronet

Years of playing everyone's favorite lovable gay manager.

Kept hitting OVW students over the head with a loaded tennis racket.

Don Marie

Getting knocked up.

Getting knocked up.

The Dudley Brotherz (Baba Ray, D-Lo, Spike TV)

Inbreeding; tables.

UPN was concerned about their characters in light of the recent Dudleyville Bombings.

Gangrall

Drinking his own blood.

Caught moonlighting as Count Chocula.

Jackie Gay

Tuff Enuff slut.

Well, they've already canned all the GOOD female workers, so…

Joy Giovanntey

Parading around in a bikini and lookin' DAMN FINE.

That wore thin after about two seconds.

Charlie Horse

One half of The World's Best Goddam Tag Team Ever (EVER!!!)

May have killed his brother.

Lord Albert Hays

Helping to ensure that promotional consideration was paid for, by the following.

Unsure.

Earl Hefner

Referee that screwed Sean McMichaels out of the title during the Montreal Snowjob in '97.

Kept stealing T-Shirts from Vince MacMahon's bedroom, selling them on eBuy.

Dave Hefner

Nothing.

Wanted to star in a new sitcom about a wacky pair of referee twins who have to raise their teenaged referee daughter.

Hiroki

Gesundheit.

I got nothin' here.

Ivorey

Her big fucking mouth.

Couldn't take constant stalking of one Webmaster Rick Scherer.

Mary Janetty

Taught HKB how to be a sexy boy when they teamed up as The Rockstars.

In jail after he drunkenly fell through a barbershop window.

Mark Gingerale

Looking in the mirror a lot.

That shitty new SummerSlam theme? His idea.

Billy The Kid-Sized Man

Being a kid-sized man. Isn't that enough for you people?

Caught fooling around with Torrie Watson.

Marvin

Winning Tuff Enuff one, two and three and then UNIFYING THEM!!!

Too bald.

Sharon More

Wanted to do everything Mike Hardy Version 1 did.

… including his girlfriend.

Mordechai

The Ultimate Mordecai Collection

Didn't know his own strength.

Matt Morris

Stuttering.

Stuttering.

Kenzo Yamaha Mitsubishi Fuji Nintendo Samsung Coleco Suzuki

Favorite saying "In-DEED!"

Shitty worker (hey, some of these are legitimate reasons).

Dial M For Mohachmed: Apparently The WB has had enough of Mohachmed Hussein, simply because everyone's favorite Arabmerican may have been responsible for bombing a bunch of subway cars in London. In their exact words, they told WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon to take the character "the fuck off our fucking network, you stupid fuck!"

Showing the calm, reasonable demeanor that he's known for, Vinnie Max has decided to simply book Hussein on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw! And he will "borrow" Triple HHH's old WCW moniker and change his name to Terra Ristin! And if so-called "patriots" complain about the angle, he'll bomb them back to the stone age! Using pirotek pyarotek piyrotekk fireworks that he STOLE from The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain! And it will be the best terrorist-based angle ever!

EVER!!!

Everyone's favorite minor-league wrestling promotion NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) has landed a slot of network television, shifting their key demographic from Dumb Marks Watching On The Internet to Dumb Internet Marks Watching On TV.

According to a press release sent by Spike Dudley TV, "We are thrilled be showing T&A Impact on our network. Wait a second… wrestling? I thought it was porn. Dammit! Does that not sound like a porn name to anyone else? Do they at least have any big-name stars? Aw, crap…"

To help cross-promote the new show, Spike is planning on airing the episode of CSI: Memphis where the investigators attempt to figure out why Double Jeff Jarrod is still on top. As well, former XXX Division Champion B.J. Styles will implement a new finishing move that uses the trampoline from SlamBall. And former tag team partners Roaddog Jamie James and Big Ass Billy Gun will continue their non-feud during a very special edition of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Even creative mastermind Vince Rousseau will return to the fold, booking a SHOCKING SWERVE~! into a Three Stooges rerun (spoiler: Shemp turns on Moe after one too many wrenches to the nose).

Now that T&A has a (real) television show, is Vince MacMahon sitting at home in a panic that his empire is crumbling? BANK ON IT!!!

New product alert!!!

Recently, I traveled to Buffalo, New York (motto: "Have we ever mentioned that we like The Bills?") to watch The Great American Beach paper-view spectacular. And it was just like its WCW predecessor, as it featured:

  • Road Warrior Aminal going over in a pointless match.
  • Finishes so ridiculous and counterproductive that you'd think Dustey Roads was given the book.
  • A SHOCKING father-son angle (2005: Eddie Guerrera- Roy Mysterio; 1999: Matzoh Man Randy Sewage's old man-Rick Flare; 1988: Ivan-Nikita Volkoff; 1985: Dustey Roads-Baby Doll).
  • The heel winning in the main event, sending fans home unhappy.
  • HI-DAN-RIKE!

That said, the show was definitely fun. Got to meet with some Bulldog fans before the show, many of which were toting ridiculous signs:
 

What a strange bunch… although the last fellow there seemed very sexy, in a rugged kind of way.

Finally, I wanted to show you all something that you've been waiting a long time to see (besides the book, that is. Have you ordered it yet? Come on, people. It's a BARGAIN for everything you get in there? Don't delay - order today! BUY IT NOW!!!)

I'm of course talking about… the long-awaited return of collectable ITR Trading Cards!!! Here are five new ones for the masses to enjoy .

Well, that about does it for this week. I'll be back next week, suggesting all of you buy my new book. Until then, remember: if you booked it here book, it's book book book.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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