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RAW SATIRE    
Matt Hardy Clubs Baby Seals...
And That's a SHOOT~! 

August 2, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

So by now, most of you out there know that I am currently on a North American publicity tour to promote my new book, "Thanks for the compliment!!! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!", which by no small coincidence, is available for sale right here.
 
Then last Friday, I got a call from my publicist, Murray, to go over our options. Next Tuesday, he says, I have the choice of doing Live! With Regis and Kelly, Late Night with David Letterman, or Matt Hocking's Raw Satire. As if I even had to think about it; guest-hosting the Satire was an easy decision. Also, I have "heat" with Paul Schaeffer (world's most dangerous band, my ass!). 

 
So another action-packed week of Satire it is. Sit back, relax, and count the numerous plugs I make for the book. After all, Murray keeps saying that's the key to these grueling book tours: promote, promote, promote!

We've got a great show for you tonight. Musical guest Coldplay is here. Stick around, we'll be right back. (Oops, wait. That's my script for this weekend's SNL. Sorry.)

Last week: John Cena and Chris Jericho are upstaged by… The Wyld Stallyns?; Lita takes an ambulance ride to hell courtesy of Stone Cold "Harmlet" Austin; and smark savant Eugene returns to win himself some gold medal. Find out how many Raw superstars have read the following book… TONIGHT!!!

We open… with Chris Jericho? Crap, looks like I didn't pick the most star-studded of weeks to substitute-teach for Mr. Hocking. Oh well, let's hear what the kid's got to say:

Jericho: A lot of have you been hearing the rumors that Y2J is going to tour the world with Fozzy and quit WWE as a result.

Crowd: Huh? "Rumors"? "Fozzy"?

Jericho: Well, I'm here to tell you… that's not true!

Crowd: Okay, fine.

Jericho:… not that I really need this gig. I could take it or leave it, to be honest. But you'll be glad to know that The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla is going to be around the WWE for a long time to come.

Crowd: Great. Can we move onto something else now, such as The Masterlock Challenge?

Even better, as John Cena interrupts the promo and attacks Jericho. This forces out Eric Bischoff, who was looking forward to a nice 2-hour nap tonight (you and me both, Bisch) but has to cut a promo instead.

Bischoff: Hold on a minute! Stop this nonsense at once. I have something important to say…

Jericho: Is this about the Tatanka appearance tonight?

Bischoff: No. But, uh… where did you hear that?

Jericho: At nativetatanka.com – the Internet's finest source for Tatanka-related news. Apparently he's supposed to be involved in the MasterLock challenge. Which gets me off the hook for another week at least.

Bischoff: Yeah, that oughta put butts in the seats. No, but it's not about Tatanka. I just wanted to say that I went to the video store tonight…

Jericho: Did you go to Blockbuster? They don't change for late fees anymore, you know.

Bischoff: Actually, I prefer Netflix because you can… look, that's not important! Anyways, I rented myself a copy of the video "Austin vs. McMahon", and it gave me an idea for tonight…

Jericho: You're bringing back Dude Love? Cool!

Bischoff: No, I…

Jericho: You're going to blur out all the old scratch logos?

Bischoff: No! Will you please shut the hell up?

Jericho: Hey, that's my line!

Bischoff: Look, let's just end this segment and move on. Austin, er, I mean, Cena, tonight… in this very ring, your WWF, I mean, WWE Championship will be on the line. And there's no chance in hell you're going to retain it, PAL. Now what do you have to say about that?

Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo…

Bischoff: Can we hurry this along?

Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo YO!

Bischoff: (sigh)

Cena: The champ… is… HERE!!!

Bischoff: Fine, whatever. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me. Probably reading the following book.

Jericho: The Canadian Bulldog one? I hear it's an excellent read. Let me borrow it when you're done…

Cena: Or if you want to read it sooner, you can order the book right here. For a very reasonable price.

(Ads)

Iron Chef Chris Masters and Abe Orton Vs. Shelton Benjamin and The Big Show

Despite consulting Matt's list of house-sitting instructions (a/k/a The Hockhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), I still don't get the Masters Iron Chef Challenge thing. You'll have to use your imagination here, folks.

Hey, I thought Tatanka was supposed to be in this segment. Dammit – nativetatanka.com LIED TO ME!

The first segment of this match features the man some call Abe Orton (and yet others call SHNITSKY; just don't call him at fault) tangling with Show and Benjamin, and everyone's favorite Iron Chef avoiding contact with Show. Hey, Shelton has only slipped once so far tonight!

(Ads)

Lord, is this match STILL on? Masters and TAFKAS (The Artist Formerly Known As SHNITSKY!!!) work over Benjamin forever with double-teaming and more restholds than an entire episode of WCW Saturday Night.

Show tags in makes short work of Abe for the pin. Be sure to watch the thrilling conclusion to this little feud next week. And the week after! And the week after that! And…

WWE Rewind is presented by Rob Schneider. Pretty classy, you would never see, say, Mountain Dew introducing its own sponsored segments. But still, I can't stand people who will use any old opportunity to plug a project they're working on.

(Ads)

Eugene Gold Medal Invitational

Christy Hemme: And now, the man who won Kurt Angle's gold medals last week, and is definitely NOT my boyfriend… Eugene!

Eugene: Christy, can I play with your pom-poms?

Christy Hemme: Oh, how cute. You want to pretend to be a cheerleader?

Eugene: Nope.

Christy Hemme: Ewwwww.

Eugene: Anyways… I'm here tonight to show the boys in the back how a true technical wrestling classic is supposed to be done!

(Kurt Angle comes to ringside)

Kurt Angle: Eugene, I'm not a hometown hero. Hell, I don't even care if I get my medals back now that they've been on… (shudders)… Christy…

Christy Hemme: I can hear what you're saying, you know!

Kurt Angle: Eugene, all I want you to do is stop talking about the amateur wrestling and such. That's MY gimmick!

Eugene: Dude, you try playing Rain Man for a year and see if the novelty doesn't start to wear off. Now let's get to the Hometown Hero challenge so I can bust out some rolling Germans.

Hey -- it really IS Tatanka! Wow, Tatanka Vs. Eugene; this is what happens… When Stereotypes Collide!

Eugene: Now, Tatanka, before we start here, I have to ask you one thing: are you really going to sell out to The Million Dollar Corporation?

Tatanka: Uh… er… didn't you see SummerSlam '93?

Eugene: I keep trying to rent the video of it, but my Uncle Eric hasn't returned it to Blockbuster yet.

For the next three minutes, we see the kind of technical excellence you'd expect from, you know, TA-FUCKING-TANKA AND EU-FUCKING-GENE until, thankfully, Kurt Angle breaks it up. Do I smell a Triple Threat match at SummerSlam?

Before we go to commercial break, a clip of Hulk Hogan on Larry King was cut short by the infamous Canadian censors you've no doubt heard of before. Hey, Hulk didn't slap a woman or something during the clip, did he?

(Ads)

By the way, my beverage of choice for this evening is Mike's Hard Lemonade, a vodka-lemonade combination that's just perfect for tonight's sticky, humid weather, but probably isn't on The Rick's approved list of alcoholic beverages. Hey, Rick, I likes me the occasional Corona with lime in it as well. Deal with it!

Backstage, Todd Grisham interviews Kurt Angle.

Todd Grisham: Oh, great. Now I get to interview a guy who has jobbed to Eugene. Just perfect. Kurt, you don't care if I off myself while you stand here, do you?

Kurt Angle: (Ignoring Todd) Next week, Raw is going to be live in Pittsburgh. So that either means I'm going to be the Hometown Hero, or Shane Douglas is. And hell, even in storyline terms, I whine a whole lot less than he does.

Clips of Kane-Lita. I don't recap recaps. Ha! I've always wanted to say that!

Meanwhile, backstage in the Bischoffice, Chris Jericho and Triple C have been instructed to watch Uncle Eric's extensive WWE Home Video collection until they can figure out a sound strategy for tonight.

Triple C: You know what's not cool? That "Don't Try This At Home" commercial they have at the start of every freaking DVD. I mean, you can't even fast-forward past it.

Bischoff: Gentlemen, I want you to watch this whole "Austin Vs. McMahon" video, and you can't leave the room until you're finished.

Jericho: Can we skip past the whole part where Stone Cold attacks Vince in the emergency room with a bedpan? I mean, talk about suspension of disbelief…

Bischoff: Fine! Just come up with a plan of how you're going to work together to bend the rules and screw Austin… I mean, Cena out of the title.

Jericho: Well, we could always work together to bend the rules.

Bischoff: Perfect!

Triple C: Except that that strategy rarely worked for McMahon…

Elsewhere backstage, a limo pulls up and holy crap, it's The Ghost of Vince McMahon! How'd he get his toupee to look that grey? Methinks "The Genetic Jackhammer" is a much more intimidating nickname than his newest one, "The Silver-Haired Fox". Still, Vinnie Mac is in the house. Way to pick a week for your vacation, Hocking.

(Ads)

As "No Chance In Hell" plays, McMahon struts to the ring, and unlike Shelton Benjamin, doesn't slip this time.

Vince McMahon: As you all know, this is the historic 636th episode of Monday Night Raw. That means we've outlasted Gunsmoke… Lassie… Seinfeld… The Simpsons… Perfect Strangers… Growing Pains… Alf… The Bob Newhart Show… The Other Bob Newhart Show… The Third Bob Newhart Show… A Different World… Wings… even WCW Nitro. You can all thank me for that.

Crowd: Great. What would you like, a medal?

Eugene: Oh no. He's not getting mine…

Vince McMahon: Over the years, I have done a lot of things that, despite the fact that I don't like, are good for business. Bringing back Eric Bischoff, for example, or resurrecting the ECW brand. Also, making Triple H the world champion numerous times. The team of Heidenreich and Animal, that's good for business too. Katie Vick, the Billy and Chuck wedding… hell, pretty much everything Scott Keith complained about in the 11th chapter of his "One Ring Circus" book, all good for business. Botching the InVasion angle? Great for business! So here's one more thing I don't like doing – rehiring Max Hearty.

(Hey, wait… "Max Hearty"? That's a Canadian Bulldog-style line if I ever heard one. Gimmick infringement!)

Matt Hardy: It's great to be back!

(Huge crowd pop)

Matt Hardy: But the first thing I want to say is, Vince McMahon didn't bring me back… you people brought me back!

(Even bigger crowd pop)

WWE.com: World Wrestling Entertainment has agreed to part ways with Matt Hardy. We wish him the best in future endeavors. 

Matt Hardy: But I didn't come here to get fired again… I didn't even come to give a shout out to Big Pimpin' Alex. I came here to tell you all a little story.

(Another big crowd pop)

Matt Hardy: You see, in real life, I was involved with "Lita", whose real name is "Amy Dumas". But then while she was "married" to "Kane" in the "storylines", she would "come" home to me because I was "injured".

(Crowd still into this)

Matt Hardy: But then "Amy" got involved with "Edge", who is also known as "Adam Copeland". So then the "shoot" became a "work" to fool all the "dirtsheets" for "smart marks" and "the boys in the back". Uh… "gig hardway". "Do A Broadway". "Kayfabe".

(Crowd getting confused)

Matt Hardy: And now… I hope that Edge gets hit by a car. And dies.

(A few scattered cheers.)

Matt Hardy: And I also hope he comes down with a terminal disease and dies, as does his mother. And I hope Johnny Ace has a heart attack. Oh, and I want Ring of Honor to go bankrupt! And I love clubbing baby seals and selling their pelts on eBay! And every race is inferior expect for mine!

(Silence.)

Matt Hardy: In conclusion, be sure to kill everyone who may be a homosexual! And don't forget to buy Canadian Bulldog's new book!

(Deafening boos.)

Talk about bad publicity. Thanks for nothing, Matt!

 (ads)

Hey wait, this show really does need more Kane. Who'da thunk it?

Backstage Vince McMahon approaches Kerwin White.

Vince McMahon: So, uh, "Kerwin"… how is this whole ignoring your heritage thing working out for you?

Kerwin White: Terrific, Mr. McMahon. Except that my family has disowned me.

Vince McMahon: Fantastic. The reason I'm asking is because I think we may be adding two new family members to your new character.

Kerwin White: Oh, wow. Eddie and my father?

Vince McMahon: Not exactly. How does this grab you: Muhammad and Daivari White?

Kerwin White: It sounds about as good as "Kerwin White" Does.

Vince McMahon: Excellent.

Sean Cold Val Venis vs. Rob Conway

Uh… Sunday Night Heat called, they want their match back.

Also, Buff Bagwell called, he wants his look back. And Randy Newman called, he wants his song back.

Oh, also – TNA called. They want their future main-eventers back. No, seriously, they do.

There – I think I've recapped this segment quite nicely.

Line of the night: "A loss to Val Venis is certainly not something that Rob Conway needs tonight." – Jonathan Coachman. And the understatement of the year goes to…

(Ads)

Up next on Larry King Live, it's… The Huckster from WrestleMania X!!! I guess Vince wasn't kidding when he was talking about bringing back old acts.

Larry King: Huckster, how have you been?

Huckster: Well, you know somethin', brother. I've been brothering up the brother, brother. And whatcha gonna brother, when the brother brother brother. Brrrother!

Larry King: And when can we look forward to the returns of Scheme Gene, Nacho Man and Billionaire Ted?

Huckster: Well, brother. Brother brother brother, brother brother!

Goldberg: Your ass is assed, ass!

Larry King: Battle Creek, Michigan, you're on the air.

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I just wanted to know if you're like, any relation to Hulkster?

Huckster: Close enough, brother. Brother!

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!!

Larry King: This is staring to turn into a bad SNL skit. All it needs now is Rob Schneider.

Shawn Michaels: Wait about ten minutes.

(Ads)

We're onto the 2005 Raw Diva Search, and I return to my television to learn the news. Summer has been cut. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Oh, wait, they're referring to the diva Summer, not the actual season. Phew!

And the special guest for tonight's competition is, in fact, Rob Schneider. I thought this was supposed to be a "big movie star" – dammit, the Lordsofpain.net newsboard lied to me!!! Still, could you imagine Schneider and Chris Farley doing the Hulk Hogan sketch from a few minutes earlier – that would have been COMEDY GOLD!

This is a Queen of the Mountain competition, which goes fine until Jeff Jarrett runs in and beats them all up.

Jeff Jarrett: Ain't I great?

Vince McMahon: Uh, Jeff, when I ran through that list earlier of old acts I was bringing back to help the business… yours wasn't one of them.

Jeff Jarrett: Afraid of a little competition, Vince? Worried that TNA will sink your company?

Vince McMahon: What the hell is "TNA"?

Jeff Jarrett: Can it, Slapnuts!

Elizabeth (Dean Malenko in drag) is your winner in a thrilling contest after mastering 957 of his 1,001 holds. The sad thing in all of this? Rob Schneider is better at cutting a shoot promo than Matt Hardy.

(Ads)

Carlito vs. John Cena (with Chris Jericho as referee and Eric Bischoff at ringside)

Special Austin-McMahon Reenactment Match

What an angle ripoff! Why don't they just get Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco to reprise The Stooges while we're at it? Nonetheless, things are looking pretty grim for the champ… unless you've ever watched even one minute of wrestling ever.

Things start out early with Chris "Dude Love" Jericho getting an unfair advantage over "Stone Cold" John Cena early on, and Eric "Vince" Bischoff allowing it all to continue unchecked.

(Ads)

JR: If Gorilla Monsoon were here today, he'd call this a miscarriage of justice. In fact, let's take things down to ringside with Gorilla and The Brain…

Gorilla Monsoon: Can you believe this, Brain? Fans are literally hanging from the rafters here!

Bobby Heenan: Oh, I believe it. They're all here to see me.

Gorilla Monsoon: Will you stop? Everyone knows you take 50 percent off the top of the people in your stable anyways.

Bobby Heenan: You know what I always say: win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.

Amazingly, Cena finds a way to overcome adversity and pins Carlito. The glass shatters, and cena celebrates in the ring while the crew tosses him a few Johnweisers… oh, wait, replace the word "celebrates" with "gets attacked by Jericho" and "Johnweisers" with "blood" and you have a better idea of what went down.

Next week: Matt Hocking returns, furious that I didn't include his group of OMEGA outcasts anywhere, but still finds it in his heart to plug my new book.

And now, on to Chicago to film a very special episode of Oprah's Book Club…

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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