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INSIDE THE ROPES    
A Shammiversary: Moon Landing Hoaxes, 
Cracking the Helmsley Code, and MORE!

August 19, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hal Kogan, everyone knows that you use backstage politicking with the MacMahons to get your way. But at SummerShow, I am going to use backstage politicking with the MacMahons to get MY way. And that's a shoot!"  
     - Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels, tomorrow. 
 
Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY CELEBRATORY edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and you read that last part right, jerky. This week, I am celebrating TWO YEARS corrupting the minds of minors here at Oldline Onslut.

Help celebrate this remarkable event (remarkable in that I 

havne't been kicked off the site yet) by picking up a copy of "Thanks For The Compliment!!! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!" right here.

(One plug down this week; six to go.)

Anyways, we've got a ton to get to this week, so let's hop right to it. But first, a quick poll:

What was your favorite ITR over the years?

(A) They were all equally funny.
(B) The one where you misspelled a name. Loser!
(C) The 63rd one. Duh!
(D) The "very special" episode in which we learn Jimmy Hart has cancer.
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Two more years in business and we won't need that bastard Rick Scherer anymore."). And here are the results of our most recent poll:

What's the real deal with the Matt Hardey situation?

It's a worked shoot - 8 %
It's a shooting work - 4 %
It's a working shooting shwork - 12 %
Uh… SHNITSKY? - 48 %
Yes - 28 %

And now, onto the news:

Don't listen to all the CRAP that wwe.com is feeding you: Brett "Hat Man" Heart isn't coming back just so he can do that "Brett Screwed Brett" DVD. And Dustey Roads didn't make a visit to WWE's Trojan Towers simply because he happened to be ”in the neighborhood." They're telling everyone that The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor is "this close" to signing a contract, and it's not true! Think Matt Stoker was really a high-school gym teacher? THINK AGAIN!!! And if you believe for a second that Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho actually signed a contract extension, boy, are you wrong!

The truth is, they've all been signed to big, FAT, Freddie Kazarian-style contracts! And they're all going to form a big stable! And their gimmick is going to be that they defend the honor of wwe.com! And possibly lordsofpain.net! And they'll mock Internet marks for ever believing in them! And it will be the best Internet-based angle ever!

EVER!!!

What's the deal with M&M's new manager Jillian Hart? Is it just me, or does she have a little something on her face?

It's so sweet that Road Worrier Aminal is taking time out of busy schedule these days to team with his grandson.

Is someone you've vaguely heard of before, (eventually) on his (or possibly her) way to the WWE? BANK ON IT!!!

Feel the heat: As you all know unless you're so dumb that you don't deserve to live, we are just FOURTEEN days away from the granddaddy of 'em all, SummerShow. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

Main Event
Ultimate X Match
Hollywood Hal Kogan vs. Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels

Sure, this match may not be a technical classic, but at least both of these beefcakes are easy on the eyes, if you catch my drift.

In fact, there's nothing I'd like to watch more than these heaving, sweating behemoths getting all…

Er… I mean… nothing…

Main Event
Battle of the Bands
Jon Ceno vs. Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho

What started off as an innocent knockoff of the Stoned Cold Steve Austen - Vince MacMahon angle has turned into… well, actually, no, it's pretty much still the same.

Main Event
Undisputed Other World Title Match
Deacon Bautista vs. Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld

Throughout history, how many matches between these two, at this pay-per-view, in this exact same town, have been as anticipated?

Exactly.

Main Event
Bra & Panties Match
The Old School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To vs. Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

This, of course, is a rematch from WrestelMania X, when Ordertaker took on Kimallah The Ugandan Headbanger, and Orton was just dumb fuck in the audience.

Any way you slice this, though, this bout has "technical give and take classic" written all over it.

Working Shoot Match
Mike Hardy Version 3.0 vs. "Mr. BANK ON IT!!!" ThEdge

I'm a little fuzzy on the backstory here, but apparently this is all happening because someone stole someone's something. Probably a catchphrase, because we all know how painful losing THAT can be.

Main Event
Washington Street Fight Rules
Mean Eugene vs. Kur Tangle

What's at stake here, beyond, of course, Kurt's gold medals that Eugene bought off of EBuy? How about a little something called pride? How about a little something called decency? How about the thrill of victory? How about the agony of defeat? How about a little something called sportsmanship, bah gawd!?!?

Uh… look for the team of to come out on top.

Main Event
Dominic-On-A-Pole Match
Roy Mystereo Junior vs. Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera

The history of this match is eerily similar to my own childhood. First, I was with one Latin-American family, then when I was eight and had a bad dye job, another Latin-American family claimed they were my real parents. How I turned out Jewish and in Canada, I'll never know.

Anyways, back to the match. Unlike the other 78 times these two have locked horns this year, this one promises to be special. To get to a winner, you have to factor in certain things, such as speed, stamina, agility and… DAMMIT, FATHER, WHY WAS I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHY WAS I THE ONE DROPPED OFF AT SOME JEFE'S DOOR? WAS IT BECAUSE I WROTE A BOOK AND YOU DIDN'T? WHY, FATHER, WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???

Moving right along…

This week, to commemorate two years of excellence greatness magnificence goodness satisfactory-level writing being on this site, I have compiled a special look at everyone's favorite wrestler, former World Champion Triple HHH.

And no, I'm not to going to show you how the guy buries the current roster by playing backstage politics and using nepotism to advance his own career. I'm going to show you how he's done that throughout history.

We'll start from (almost) the present day and work our way backwards historically. You might recognize some of the stories, while some you might not. However, they are all 100 percent true; after all, they were first reported by wwe.com:

Triple HHH Grows to Ten Times Normal Size to Win Battle Royal

March 3, 2003 -- It was a standard battle royal on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw to determine the number one contender at WrestelMania, when all of a sudden, Triple HHH emerged from under the ring.

However, this wasn't the typical ambush, as The Criminal Assassin somehow (*coughcoughsteroidscough*) expanded to ten times his normal size and handily eliminated the competition singlehandedly.

Triple HHH Accuses Kogan, Sewage of "Lusting" After Elizabeth

February 5, 1988 -- The MegaPowers exploded tonight after Triple HHH, the self-proclaimed leader of the group, accused his partners Hal Kogan and Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage, of "having lust in their eyes" for manager Mrs. Elizabeth.

In fact, the NBC primetime wrestling special "The Main Event" ended abruptly when HHHHHH, Kogan and Sewage left their match against Bad Boss Man, Akeeme and… I don't know, let's say Eugene, to battle each other while Elizabeth lay prone on a hospital gurney.

When he came to, Kogan was seen wandering through the halls, shoving various mid-carders and shouting: "Hunnnnnnterrrr! Hunnnnterrrrrr!"

Triple HHH To The Giant: "You're Jobbing To ME Tonight, Fat Man"

November 18, 1981 -- Andrew The Giant, known the world over as an undefeated sideshow attraction, was told that his winning streak was coming to an end at the expense of a young Triple HHH.

"So long as I get my forty-two cases of beer, which I can allegedly can drink in one sitting, who the hell cares?", The Giant said during an interview with wwe.com, which, technically, doesn't exist yet. "I just made Hunter promise that the office won't try to pass me off as a masked Japanese guy one day."

"No snakes, Bobby," The Giant then bellowed. "NO SNAKES!!!"

Bruno Shown Up By Younger, Sexier, Ruder Colleague

September 12, 1973 -- Despite being a hero to millions of ethnic stereotypes worldwide, WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF Champion Bruno Santamartina was outclassed at a television taping here by novice Triple HHH.

"You can't keep with me old man," The Criminal Assassin was heard saying in an interview. "I am that… damn… good."

"Doggone it, that was a nice clothesliner," Santamartina was heard retorting, before launching into an unrelated tirade about Vince MacMahon.

Armstrong 'Almost' Becomes First Man On The Moon

July 20, 1969 -- It was supposed to be "one small step for man… one giant leap for mankind, and by mankind, we don't mean the wrestler." However, that wasn't meant to be.

Mere milliseconds before astronaut Neil Armstrong (part of the famous Armstrong wrestling family) was set to land on the lunar surface, Triple HHH appeared out of nowhere and ambushed him with his sledgehammer.

"Dammit!" shouted announcer Good Ol' JR Ewing. "What in the hell is he doing here? Bah gawd!"

"Woo-hoo!" leered Jerry "The King" Lawyer. "Look at the size of those puppies on the moon!"

"Craters, King," said JR. "Those are craters. Bah gawd!"

Triple HHH Handily Defeats Nixon In Presidential Debates

September 26, 1960 -- Millions of Americans gathered around their television screens (which apparently looked like bitmapped JPEG documents; who knew?) tonight to watch the first debate between Triple HHH and a pre-Watergate Richard Nixon. A small sample of the event:

NIXON: I, of course, disagree with Senator Helmsley, insofar as his suggestions as to what should be done uh - with re- on the farm program. He has made the suggestion that what we need is to move in the direction of more government controls, a suggestion that would also mean raising prices uh - that the consumers pay for products and im- and imposing upon the farmers uh - controls on acreage even far more than they have today. I think this is the wrong direction. I don't think this has worked in the past; I do not think it will work in the future. The program that I have advocated is one which departs from the present program that we have in this respect. It recognizes that the government has a responsibility to get the farmer out of the trouble he presently is in because the government got him into it. And that's the fundamental reason why we can't let the farmer go by himself at the present time. The farmer produced these surpluses because the government asked him to through legislation during the war. Now that we have these surpluses, it's our responsibility to indemnify the farmer during that period that we get rid of the farmer uh - the surpluses. Until we get the surpluses off the farmer's back, however, we should have a program such as I announced, which will see that farm income holds up. But I would propose holding that income up not through a type of program that Senator Kennedy has suggested that would raise prices, but one that would indemnify the farmer, pay the farmer in kind uh - from the products which are in surplus.

Triple HHH: (Pedigrees Nixon) I-uh am-uh not-uh a-uh crook-uh!

Triple HHH Forms The Rat Pack

May 12, 1958 -- Tired of losing his championship and being snubbed by Hollywood's elite, Triple HHH decided to take matters into his own hands and form an elite organization known as The Rat Pack.

"We are here solely to protect The Game," second-in-charge Frank Sinatra stated in a recent press interview. "And I'm definitely not involved in the mafia, no matter what you may read about me in later years."

Rounding out the elite group are Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, Joey Bishop and for some reason, "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare.

Triple HHH, Others, Attend The Last Supper

A Thursday -- Uh… let's see. How much can I say here without getting into tons of trouble?

I agree. Let's just quit while we're ahead…

Triple HHH Kick-Starts Evolution (Literally)

12 B.C. -- Triple HHH successfully buried the last of the, uh, Cartoonasaurs today by pedigreeing the entire species into extinction.

Apparently they didn't deserve their "spot" because they couldn't hunt for prey "main event style". The Game has, however, recruited several of his Neanderthal friends to form something called "The Clique".

Well, that would explain his caveman forehead, anyways.

That about wraps it up for another week. Be sure to send me any feedback, compliments and congratulatory notes to bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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