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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Stand Back:
There's a Bulldog Coming Through 

September 1, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hollaback, girl, if ya hear me!"
               -- Scotty Too Steiner, 2001
 
Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and OVERLY DISORGANIZED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm best-selling author and IWC scourge Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week, so let's hop right to it. But first, a quick poll:

How would YOU improve today's WWE?

 
(A) Tell referees not to be so flimsy.
(B) Make everything identical to ROH.
(C) 30 % Fewer Guerreros.
(D) Murder that bastard Triple HHH.
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: Every piece of relevant information you ever wanted in one place). And here are the results of our previous poll:

What was your favorite ITR over the years?

They were all equally funny - 0 %  
The one with the typo. Loser! - 36 %  
The 63rd one. Duh! - 18 %  
The "very special episode" where Jimmy Hart has cancer - 27 %  
Yes - 18 %

And now, onto the news:

Payback's A B***h: Piratefalkon, a fellow OO writer and recapper for WWE's "Bite Me" Internet show, made the following wisecrack about me in his column last week:

The divas are like Canadian Bulldog’s book: great in theory and maybe they pragmatically fill an empty space in some corner, but not very entertaining to pay attention to for more than two seconds. Letters From A Nut, Ranting From A Bitch, same thing.

Well, Foley Falkon, you took a shot at me in your book column, and now here's my receipt. Woooo! Mr. Falkon, I'm sure that probably half your readers feel the same way you do. But the other three know who the real deal is around here. I am real! This is a shoot! Canadian Bulldog WILL NOT DIE!!!

(Aw, great. Now I'm going to be jobbed out…)

If you haven't watched Smack! Down recently (well, first of all, you're not exactly in the minority), the show has been undergoing some serious changes.

Starting on December 31st, the show's name will change to

"Fri! Day Night Smack! Down!" as part of The WB's TGIF lineup! And it will be run by a bunch of Network Executives that don't know any better because they're just Punk Kids! And they will want to sink the show for some reason! Probably because of that bastard Triple HHH! And so every week, Hardwood Holly will stiff someone in the main event! And it will be the best worked-shoot television-based storyline ever!

EVER!!!

Y2J to T and A?: According to always-trustworthy Internet rumors, Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho is definitely headed to NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass). I mean, what's not to believe: his website even suggested it, for pete's sake!

 

Insider sources suggest the current booking plans call him for him to face off against, then team with, TNA superstar Double Jeff Jarrod. After being dumped by Jarrod following TNA's "Holy Communion" PPV, he will then jump ship to the Ring of Horror promotion, judging by the following graphic:

In ROH, Jericho will test his mettle against the likes of Low Key, The Incredible Red, Samoan John, Steve Austin Aries and a Bunch Of Other Shlubs That No One Has Ever Heard Of.

Once Jericho breaks the sacred code of honor, though, he will be forced to work in a new promotion:

While in Juggalo Championshit Wrestling (which is funny enough without changing it to something else!), Jericho will be re-named Dick Jeriwizzle and will lose a high-profile match to Shaggy Too Dope during the ICP's "CocksuckerMania II" pay-per-view.

This will backfire, though, when Jericho loses a Dildo-On-A-Pole match at their next show in front of more than 1,000 screaming fans. From there, the following graphic will begin showing up on Jericho's website:

This will clearly signal that Jericho is headed to classmates.com, priceline.com and The Site Where You Have To Shoot A Moving Target To Win A Free MP3 Player.

So, in short, is Jericho completely done with World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated Incorporated? BANK ON IT!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the phone with former (or maybe current?) WWE Raw Tag Team Champion Hurricane Helmsley. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

H: National Hurricane Center, how can I help you?
CB: Can I speak to Hurricane directly, or do I have to go through his "people" now?
H: I'm sorry?
CB: Oh, don't be. It's hardly your fault. Just put me on to him.
H: Who?
CB: No, not Jim Nighthart In A Mask. I want to speak to The Hurricane!
H: Er… you want to speak to Katrina?
CB: Is that what they're calling her these days? I thought she was just Super Stacey, but maybe after she got traded…
H: You see, they name hurricanes in alphabetical order. So Tropical Storm Stacey won't hit until October at the earliest…
CB: SHUT UP! Just put me on The Hurricane, dammit!
H: Um, are you serious? Is there something wrong with you?
CB: Thanks for the compliment!!!
H: Look, we're really busy here. Thousands of people are being held under the water…
CB: Probably because of that bastard Triple HHH.
H: Uh… yeahhhh… anyways, we have to leave these lines open for victims of natural disasters.
CB: Are you kidding? They haven't teamed in years!
H: Who?
CB: NO, NOT WHO! OPEN YOUR FUCKING EARS, JACKASS! I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO WHO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO TYPHOON! I MAY WANT TO SPEAK TO FREDDIE JOE FLOYD IF YOU HAVE HIM HANDY!
H: Freddie Joe? I think he's in our dispatch department, but…
CB: Forget it. This interview… is over!!! (Hangs up phone)
H: Wazzupwidat?

Remember, if there's somebody you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.

A friendly housekeeping reminder: If you're in a position to do so, please donate to Webmaster Rick Scherer's Annual Pledge Drive/Whiskey Fund if you haven't already. It's a necessary evil if you want to keep quality programming like this column; Matt Horking's Raw Parody; Jab Tennessee Lund's Biyearly Obese Angle; Piratefalkon's Shitty Little Column; Enforcer Erin Anderson's The Broad; The Chicago Cubs Fan's Whatever Column He Writes and Adam Gesundheit's Ooold Tiiime Rasslin' Revue on the air.

And if you don't want to place your hard-earned money there, then kindly buy my FUCKING BOOK ALREADY SO I CAN RETIRE!!! Either way, someone's getting paid tonight!

And finally, let's bring an old tradition just in time for Labor Day -- the return of collectable ITR trading cards (series one)! Be sure to cut them out and trade them with your friends! Enjoy!!!

That about does it for this week. If you have any comments, questions, news, rumors or ill-advised praise for me, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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