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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Greatest Moments in the
History of This Business

September 8, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Recently, the following heartfelt plea made its way into my inbox:

Dear Canadian Bulldog,

As you are no doubt aware, Hurricane Katrina has ripped apart thousands of lives and left thousands homeless. In response, the American Red Cross is launching the largest mobilization of resources for a single natural disaster involving thousands of trained disaster relief workers, tons of supplies and shoulders to lean on.

Donations from you and other generous supporters will ensure that we meet the demand. Please donate generously to the American Red Cross in this time of need.

Thank you.

Wow. This has, of course, prompted me to think about what's really important in life. That's when it hit me: It has been 10 years to the week since Eric Bischov first unleashed "Monday Night Ro" on the masses. What better time than now -- as a nation needs to be entertained again -- to look back at the 10 greatest moments in arguably, the greatest primetime wrestling 

show EVER on TNT that was cancelled in 2001?

To help me count down the highlights, I've invited former WCW commentator Tony Schiavauntey to provide insight into some of these memories.

Bulldog: Thanks for joining us today, Tony.

Schiavauntey: I wouldn't miss this for the world, Bulldog! You remembered to make the check out to "cash", right?

Bulldog: Thanks for the compliment!!! Shall we begin?

Schiavauntey: Whatever.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 10:
The Debut Episode

Bulldog: This was the one held in a shopping mall because all of WCW's fans were too poor back then to afford tickets! And Lex Lugar ran out during a match between Stinger and Nature Guy Ricky Flare! But it wasn't because he wanted to rejoin the company; it was because he was looking for the Orange Julius! And then Hal Kogan cut a promo about his PastaMania™ fast-food restaurant that sounded like: "Brother, all my Halkomaniacs are here to see PastaMania™, brother! PastaMania™ is in the air because of Halkomania, brother! PastaMania™! Halkomania! Halkomania! PastaMania™! And whatcha gonna do, Halkomania, when PastaMania™ runs wild on you? Brrrrother"! And it was the best hour of television ever! EVER!!!

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business. Actually, all I remember about this episode was that they obviously wanted it to SUCK, because instead inviting the T-Man out to do commentary, they had Eric Bischoff, Bobby Heenan and Steve Mongo McMichael.

Bulldog: Here's a little-known fact for you, Tommy...

Schiavauntey: That's Tony.

Bulldog: Hey, for my 35 bucks, I can call you Corporal Kirschener if I want. Moron. Anyways, the original color commentator wasn't supposed to be Steve "Mongoose" MacMichaels. It was Grimace from the popular McDonald's commercials.

Schiavauntey: I'm not so sure that's true…

Bulldog: Oh, yeah? I happen to have PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF!

Schiavauntey: Remind me why I gambled all my money away?

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 9:
Luchadores Invade the Monday Night Wars

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our bus… wait a second. I don't remember any of those guys on Nitro. What are you trying to pull here? Are you trying to make me look dumb?

Bulldog: Hey, Tommy, YOU'RE the one who agreed to participate in this phony column. Which of us is truly the dumb one?

Schiavauntey: Touché.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 8:
The NwO forms; hires virtually everyone

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business. Bulldog, you couldn't imagine the shock when, every single week, the nWo would add a new member, forcing WCW wrestlers to… wait, wait, wait - is that who I think it is in that picture?

Bulldog: Yep, it's Scott Norton Utilities.

Schiavauntey: I am so going to hell for this. Anyways… every week, another member would interfere until no other wrestlers were left on the roster. It was the strategy that made Nitro superior to that other wrestling company out there, week in and week out.

Bulldog: How are you able to look at yourself in the mirror?

Schiavauntey: Vodka helps.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 7:
The Many Colors of Stink

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business. Frustrated with the doings of the nWo (or possibly The Four Horsemen, I can't remember), The Stinger switched from the red facepaint to white, and vice versa to confuse his foes. Although, I don't remember him wearing any other colors than that…

Bulldog: Of course you don't, jackass! The green facepaint was from a special St. Patrick's Day Nitro (The Leprechaun was in the main event); the blue facepaint was from when WCW was cross-promoting its shows with The Smurfs; orange was from the Hallowe'en special "Good Grief, It's The Great Scorpion, Stinger"; the lame attempt at Road Warrior Hawk makeup was when he wanted to become the new KISS Demon; purple was for when he was protesting WCW's firing of Grimace; and the Warrior makeup was when he wished he had gone to the WWF when he had the chance.

Schiavauntey: And it was without a doubt, the greatest moment in the…

Bulldog: Fuck off.

Schiavauntey: Will you at least give me the opportunity to shill your new book?

Bulldog: (Sigh) Fine.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 6:
Bischov Offers Tickets To Homeless To Fill Seats

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business. When Raven first showed up with his Flock, it was a storyline that intrigued fans for weeks on end, until we couldn't figure out where to go next with it.

Bulldog: Hey, genius: one of your top talents is sitting ringside and FALLING ASLEEP!!! Didn't that give the powers-that-be the hint that maybe SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH THE PROGRAM?

Schiavauntey: I need more vodka.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 7:
The Hummer Angle

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business.

Bulldog: And remind me again, who drove the hummer?

Schiavauntey: I… uh, well… er. I think it was Big Bossman.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 4:
Bischov Fires Flare Via Fed-Ex

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business. Although… I'm a little skeptical of that photo. It looks like it was taken WELL AFTER Bischov, I mean, Bischoff, and The Nature Boy had their backstage differences.

Bulldog: Just shut up and commentate, okay?

Schiavauntey: Can you at least start spelling my last name right?

Bulldog: No dice.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 3:
Kogan, Stink, Goldenberg Vow to Make WCW Suck

Schiavauntey: Seeing as this clearly never happened, perhaps you can walk us through this one, Bulldog.

Bulldog: Thanks for the compliment!!! At the time, Kogan, The Stink and Goldenberg had enough with WCW's crappy finishes and backstage politics! Even though they were the ones who caused it! And so they decided to exercise their "creative control" clauses! Which screwed Brett "Hatman" Hurt for some reason! And it was the best Nitro ever!

Schiavauntey: EVER!!!

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 2:
Rousseau, Bischov Team Up To Make WCW Suck

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt…

Bulldog: Oh, will you just CAN IT ALREADY!?!?! I'll set the stage for you. At the time, Eric Bischov and creative mastermind Vince Rousseau decided that wrestling fans were sick and tired of the superstars of the 80's. So they brought in brand new names that wrestling fans were sick and tired of, such Ernest "The Cat In The Hat" Mueller, Mark Awesome, Jeff "Buffed" Bagwell and Grimace.

Schiavauntey: All I remember from this time period was "Somebody call my momma", but I'm not sure if that was said by The Cat or Bagwell.

Bulldog: Hey, I'll stick to making lame jokes; you stick to sucking.

Monday Night Ro Highlight # 1:
B-Movie Actor David Laroquette Snags Wrestling's Top Prize

Schiavauntey: That was, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our business.

Bulldog: Finally, something we can agree on.

Schiavauntey: BANK ON IT!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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