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INSIDE THE ROPES    
DVD This! Plus PPV Preview and
Other EXCLUSIVE~! News... 

September 15, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Devon… get the article of furniture supported by one or more vertical legs containing a flat horizontal surface!" 
     -- The Artist Formerly Known as 
                Bubba Roy Dudley
, 2005.
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and MAGICALLY DELICIOUS edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm… well I used to be known as Canadian Bulldog, but now WWE is going to sue me if I use that name, so you'll just have to refer to me in the bootleg form of Canadog. We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll: 

 
Who else should NWA T&A steal from WWE?
(A) Triple HHH.
(B) Linda MacMahon.
(C) Ex-Pack.
(D) Road Warrior Hog.
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Updated about as frequently as the old nWowrestling.com"). And here are the results of our latest poll:

How would you improve today's WWE?
Make referees less flimsy - 0 %
Make everything identical to ROH - 28 %
Thirty Percent Fewer Guerreros - 14 %
Murder That Bastard Triple HHH - 39 %
Yes - 17 %

And now, onto the news…

Raw, Raw, Sis Boom Bah (and yes, that was the best I could come up with): As noted here previously, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited Incorporated is returning "Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw" back to the U-S-A! Yu-Yu-Yu-U-S-A! U-S-A! Hooooooooo! Network beginning October 32nd.

For the inaugural episode, WWE is going to pull out all the stops! Names expected for the first Raw include WWE Chief Financial Officer Vince MacMahon™, recovering alcoholic "Stoned Cold" Sheriff Austen™, octogenarian superstar Hollywood Hal Kogan™, popular champion Triple HHH™, big fat slug Visceria™, born-again crybaby Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels™, hardass legend Mick Farley™, spineless jellyfish Eric Bischov™, presently-deceased Andrew The French Giant™, former Redskins great Alonzo Flowers™, perennial third-party candidate Wilson DeFarge™, Senate page Brad Fletcher™, skincare consultant Rowena™, wealthy gadabout Chilton Gaines™, and many, many more!

And WWE's legal team has kidnapped the trademarks to all of their names! And they won't give them back unless they appear on the show! And all of them will probably get suckered into taking The Masterpiece Challenge! And no less of an authority than "TV Guide" promises that it will be the best episode of Raw ever!

EVER!!!

As you're no doubt aware unless you're dumb, WWE is just 624 days away from presenting its paper-view spectacular Nonforgiven. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you can expect:

Main Event
Rapmaster Jon Ceno
vs. Kur Tangle
Chicago Streetfight

The way I see it, either the champion will come out of this victorious, or he'll lose. No two ways about it. Of course, I've been known to be wrong in the past…

Main Event
Charlita Caribbean Cruel
vs. Nature Guy Ricky Flare
Loser-Grabs-The-Winner's-Testicles

According to the "storylines", Flare used to date Cruel's father, Mexican wrestling legend Carlos Cologne, and now Charlita is trying to work out the "issues" he has with his father's lifestyle. Also the hair. Will this be the coolest match on the show? BANK ON IT!!!

Main Event
Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For PowerMacs
vs. ThEdge (with The Returning Leeta)
Hell In The Cage

Hardy, obviously, is upset because his so-called best friend ThEdge started sleeping with Mexican wrestling legend Carlos Cologne behind his back. While Mike Hardy Will Not Die, Mike Hardy Will Likely Job.

Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels vs. Chris MasterPiece
Masterpiece Theater Match

On one hand, you've got the show-stopper, the main event, the icon. That's not to say that HKB is a slouch himself; far from it. Still, you know that Masterpiece could carry a broomstick to a **** match, so he should have no problems here.

Main Event
The Best Show
vs. SHNITSKY!!!
When Hosses Collide

Folks, it doesn't get any better than this.

Oh, no, wait, it does.

Main Event
Hurricane Katri Helmsley
and Super Rosie vs. Those Two Stereotypical Cowboy Fucks Who Aren't Remotely Over, Even Though You'd Think Wrestling Would Have Learned Its Lesson After The New Black Jacks, Smoking Guns, Tex & Shanghai, Etc.
Imaginary Tag Team Title Match

Look for the team of to come out on top.

The Apprentice Returns: Anyone out there remember my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR?

Me neither, but apparently he's back, in what I hope will be a regular contribution. I don't know where he dreamt up the concept of this, but it's pure GOLD, baby! Here, then, is the debut outing of something I like to call:


THE GOOD OL' J.(IT)R. REPORT

Greetings from under this pillowcase that Canadian Bulldog has wrapped around my head until I finish this crappy debut column! I’m quickly running out of oxygen (and control of my bodily functions), so straight to me making contradictory shit up to appease the Internet!

Chris Masters just might be the best natural pound-for-pound athlete in the WWE. His Masterlock is, as the kids put it, “so cool it blows my fucking mind, yo.” If he could only work on a body scissors or maybe a bearhug, I’d say he has a good chance of becoming the greatest WWE wrestler ever!

(ed. note: EVER!!!)

Word has it that former WWE Tough Enough winner Chris Nowinski (perhaps the best natural athlete in the WWE) regularly inserts his penis into the vagina of current RAW journalist Maria. For 2 minutes a day, Maria finally has a smart bone in her body!

Speaking of Road Warrior Hawk, where has he been lately? He just might be the best natural athlete in the WWE, and it be a shame if he gave up his future singles success. I see him as an Intercontinental Champion.

On the same note: Batista has been on a tear lately. The Animal, maybe the most gifted natural athlete in the company, not only defeated JBL in a ******* classic at the Great American Bash, but he’s also been traveling on a gigantic drop of moisture from that has been excreted from someone’s face.

Whatever happened to banana milkshakes?

I caught a glance at TNA’s PPV this weekend. I must say, AJ Styles (perhaps the most gifted Natural athlete not in the WWE, but if he were in the WWE, he’d be the most gifted natural athlete in the WWE) is probably better than anybody in the history of wrestling not named “Mongo,” who was undoubtedly the best natural athlete since the dawn of time.

Finally, some folks are up in arms over the WWE enforcing their copyrights on independent workers. You know what I say to them? Shut the fuck up.


Thanks (for the compliment), Johnny!!! Remember, folks, Mr. ITR has a new book out which can be ordered right here. Or at least someone has a new book out. I can't remember.

Straight to Video: With the expected success of their upcoming "Ultimate Worrier Is A Nutjob" and "Brett Screwed Brett" DVD's, WWE Home Video plans to follow-up with five new releases to be known as: THE FUCK YOU SERIES.

"For years, we here at World Wrestling Entertainment have asked the subjects of our DVD releases for their input to make sure the production was as fair and balanced as possible," WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon said in a press release I just made up right now. "Well, fuck that. It's time to show them what we really think!"

"Get the F out, indeed" will be the official series slogan.

The new DVD's are as follows:

Highlights include:

· Every single time he lost the world title to guys like Ricky Flare and Hal Kogan.

· His Intercontinental title loss to Ricky The Steamboat.

· Several embarrassing losses to Jerry "The King" Lawyer.

· His embarrassing admission that he took steroids.

· 4 hours of Vince MacMahon, Triple HHH and Jim Roth dissing him.

· EXCLUSIVE, never-before seen footage of him crying at Miss Elizabeth's funeral.

 

Highlights include:

· His SummerSlam title match with Yozokuna where he couldn't even PIN the fat fuck.

· All 28 televised matches where he got screwed by Flare.

· His loss to Jerry B. Badd, whom we also hate, just not nearly as much.

· Audio of his 911 phone call when Miss Elizabeth died.

· A dramatic recreation of him (possibly) killing Elizabeth, starring Chris MasterPiece and Stacey Keebler.

· Mug-shot photo gallery.

· EXCLUSIVE, never-before seen footage of him laughing at Randy Savage crying at Miss Elizabeth's funeral.

 

Highlights include:

· Hours and hours of black-and-white footage that shows off his shitty and over-rated moveset.

· A blooper reel where he butchers the English language on color commentary.

· A shoot interview with SHNITSKY!!! making fun of him for no apparent reason.

· The clip where Lenny Zybsko turned on him, shown over and over and over again.

· Footage from the old Apter mags of the old bastard ripping on Vince.

· Photo gallery showing off how old and pathetic the loser looks these days.

 

Highlights include:

· Highlights? This is fucking NAILZ we're talking about? What, exactly were you expecting here?

 

Highlights include:

· Thirteen hours of the dumbest mistakes he ever made when running WCW.

· A roundtable discussion featuring Mick Farley, Ricky Flare, Best Show, Steve Austen and others passing around a joint and re-telling their favorite "Eric Fucked Up" stories.

· Video of him sitting in a corner, crying, after finding out that Vince outbid him for WCW.

· Stoned Cold Steve Austen beating him up over and over and over again.

· Interviews featuring the entire WWE roster, dozens who were just fired and some sixty "legends" speculating on who might win in a no-holds-barred streetfight between him and Vince. (Hint: the result is unanimous)

· Hollywood Hal Kogan joking about the size of Bischov's manhood.

· Bonus Eric Bischov dartboard is included, a replica of the one the boss still has on his office door.

Wow, I can't wait for those to hit stores everywhere! And finally, here is a BRAND NEW set of collectable set of Inside The Ropes trading cards:

That about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any comments, questions or belated birthday wishes (It was September 12th; thanks for remembering, bastards!), be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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