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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Retro ITR: That 70s Column 

September 22, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

NOTE TO WEBMASTER RICK SCHERER:

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). As you've no doubt heard by now, I am currently touring North America to promote my new book, which the New York Times is calling "a book that no one apparently wants to buy." Seriously. What are you waiting for, people? Christmas? By the way, it makes an excellent Christmas gift.

So because of the tour, I am unable to write a column for you this week. But fear not - I am not going to just leave you in a lurch like some other Pyrofalkon columnists I could mention. Nope, I've got a classic Inside The Ropes from waaaaaay the hell back in August 1977.

Now. you may be asking yourself: How could I have written ITR in 1977 when I've said before the first column I wrote was in 1985? The answer is - I DIDN'T write it! This was done by my father!!!

So enjoy this ITR prequel starring my old man, and be sure to stop by and say hello if you see me signing my book at your local Barnes & Jamie Noble.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

  
Originally published September 22, 1977
Inside The Ropes, Baby!

"I probably don't have a catchphrase because I'm so old-fashioned and lame."
     -- Nick Bockelwinkel, September 12, 1973.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and FAR OUT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog Senior, and we've got lots of groovy gossip to get to, so let's boogie on down to it!!!

Scandal in the NWA (and not that T&A crap, either): Recently, we saw "Handsome" Harvey Race upset "Terrible" Terry Fuck to win the NWA World Title right here in Toronto.

What is going on here? I mean, Terry only held the belt for 14 months - I had no idea the promoters only wanted him to be such a short-term, 

transitional champion. Have we heard the last of the bad boy from The Double-Cross Farm in Amarillo, Texas? BET ON IT!!!

Our sympathies go out to the wrestlers who are either dead or injured (not sure which, as my edition of The Wrestler hasn't arrived in the mail yet) at the hands of a plane crash in the Mid-Atlantic Southern North Western East territory recently. Apparently, among the victims were Nature Guy Ricky Flare, Greg Valentine's Old Man, Bob Boogers, Mr. Wrestling III, The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens. Bummer.

Pound-for-pound, I'd have to say that Tony "Sir U.S.A." Atlas is the best Negro in professional wrestling today. With his skill, strength and talent, there's no denying that he has what it takes to become big in this business - and I'm talking Spiros Arion big!!! Can you dig it?

Suckaaaaa!

Caught some action recently in the neato Florida Championship Wrestling area, and what a trip it was. In the main event, "Mr. American Dream" Dustey Roads lost to Ollie Anderson! And he had to leave town FOREVER, according to the pre-match stipulation! So he can't even visit his family anymore! And then The Midnight Raider came out and said "I didn'a lose no match to some jive turkey like you, Ollie Anderson, if you weeel!"! So then he challenged Anderson to a loser-must-unmask match! And he lost - so he had to unmask and he turned out to be… DUSTEY ROADS! But the fans didn't notice, because all fans from Florida are stupid! Except for my good friend Jeb Lund Senior! And anyways, it was the best angle ever!

EVER!!!

For those of you in the keen Texas area, the children of suspected nazi Fritz Van Erich should start their wrestling careers any time now - Kevin, Kerry, Mike, David, Bret, Owen and Stu. Here's wishing they all have a long, healthy and prosperous livelihood!

What?

House show report: Recently, there was a big wrestling show (and it doesn't matter for which league; the wrestlers all still work for the same promoters anyways). I received an EXCLUSIVE report on the card from Jerry ITR, whose kid is good friends my son, Junior. Gimme some skin, Jerry:


Thanks, boss. There was a great crowd here at the Local Arena. I stopped by the merchandise stand before the show, only to find that they weren't selling any wrestling merchandise. Or any other sort of merchandise, for that matter.

· The first match featured Latino stereotype Manuel Soto losing to Native American stereotype Chief Jay Strongbow. The chief won with his patented Tomahawk Chop.

· Next up was Samoan sterotypes Afa and Sika against French-Canadian stereotypes Butcher Vachon and Frenchy Deslongchamps. The francophones won with their patented "Separation" submission hold.

· From there, we saw hefty hillbilly stereotype Haystacks Calhoun against evil Russian stereotype Boris Barylnkov. A 30-minute draw. The horseshoes and Russian chains were flying with unprecedented fury!

· Next up was MIDGET MADNESS, featuring the wild and unpredictable actions of Lord Littleton and Teeny McShort. I saw the same match four years ago, and they've incorporated two new moves! Such as the spot where they take turns biting the referee on the ass!

· After the intermission, there was a six-man tag team match featuring cowboy stereotype Tex "Tex" Texican, Scottish stereotype Scotty McScot and gay stereotype Pat Patterson defeating Japanese stereotypes Mr. Fuji, Mr. Hiroshima and Mr. Yakanasha-San. Friends, the sky was grey with ceremonial salt after this one.

· Finally, it was time for the main event: Bruno Sammartino and Dominic DeNucci in an Italian Pasta Death Match. And even though all of us here have seen the exact same match 30 times, we were still surprised when Sammartino was victorious, to the delight of stereotypical fans everywhere!

Biggest pops
1) Sammartino
2) DeNucci
3) Pedro Morales

Most heat
1) Afa
2) Sika
3) JBL


Thanks for that report, Jerry ITR! Later, skater.

Recently, I had the chance to interview current WWWWWF Champion "Superstar" Barry Graham. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript.

Unfortunately, my telephone isn't working right now (I blame my kid), so I had to resort to other measures to get the champ on the line:

CB: Is this Superstar Barry Graham?
SBG: Copy, good buddy. This is Superstar. Over.
CB: Question number one: You recently won the championship this year; which stereotypes do you planning on defending it against?
SBG: Back down, rocking chair. We have a Smokey coming up to our back door. Over.
CB: Thanks for the tribute!!! Question number two: Do you think your excessive steroid abuse might come back to haunt you some day?
SBG: That's a negative copy. Over.
CB: Question number three: How does it feel to be the role model for future egomaniacs everywhere, such as Jerry "The Body" Ventura and Hal Kogan?
SBG: Breaker, what's your twenty? Over.
CB: ALL RIGHT! WE GET THAT YOUR CHARACTER IS "OVER"! BIG FREAKING DEAL!!!
SBG: Walking tall, good buddy. Over.
CB: (Sigh). Is there anything else you can tell me here, or should I just unplug this… this, uh, what's it called again?
SBG: CB?
CB: Yes?
SBG: No… it's called a CB. CB Radio. Over.
CB: I have my own radio station? Just like WKRP? Heavy!
SBG: Can you just get the fuck off this channel? Over.
CB: Well, kiss my grits! I'd expect that language from Ken Paterna, but not from a WWWWWWF champion like you!
SBG: Good buddy, I don't know what that means, but I'm guessing you've got the wrong channel. Again. For the third time this week. Over.
CB: You wanna know what else is over, good buddy? THIS INTERVIEW!!! (Turns off radio).
SBG: Keep on truckin'.

Finally, I've decided this week to add a brand-new feature: ITR trading cards!!! The way I see it, this ought to give my punk-ass kid something to look at while I'm busy watching the latest episode of "Good Times". Who knows, the little guy may even take over my column one day? Anyways, here are this week's cards. Enjoy!

Well, that about does it for this week; hell, even this decade. Be sure to somehow drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com, and remember… be there or be square! Outta sight!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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